I’VE CRACKED IT 

As I was writing to one of my net-pals this week, I happened upon a very real truism about GH and how the female characters are developed.  I can’t say that this has always been the case, but at this point in GH history, the female characters are all catering to the variety of male fantasies on the market.  We can work with every fantasy archetype a man ever had.  Check it out. 

CHICK IN THE BASEMENT:  What man hasn’t thought of having a shapely, gorgeous blonde with a Betty Boop voice and crinkly nose tied up in the basement, decked out in flimsy, white gossamer stuff, restrained with Fredrick’s of Hollywood furry hand cuffs?  She writhes and wiggles against the restraints and says dorky lines like, “You may have my body (!? I can ?!) but you’ll never have my heart or my soul!”  Like you are interested in the heart or soul of the chick in the basement.  Her make-up is permanently in place and her hair always looks good, even after a kidnapping.  Even when she does manage to break free and secure an evil looking weapon, her heart of gold won’t allow her to cut your nasty throat, so you are easily able to wrangle her back into the fuzzicuffs.  When she isn’t being held captive, she is the dedicated and loving wife, doting on your every move, until, of course, the other male fantasy comes into play: taking away someone else’s dedicated and loving wife.  What man doesn’t want to believe that he can lure away even the most committed of beautiful wives from their handsome husband? (Felicia)

NURSE GOODLOVE:  When men are sick, they want a woman with big eyes, big boobs, fantasy lips and short skirts to take care of them.  They want her to always dress like a total tramp, to know that she will forgive any transgression and be ready to, with great abandon, knock it out with them anywhere, from the board room table to the diner floor.  It helps if she used to be a hooker because she’s probably pretty good at it and know a trick or two if she used to make good money doing it.  Her kid never ages enough to be a threat and he’s totally receptive to any step-daddy she happens to drag home.  Her daughter is also a beautiful spitfire, so you can score two for one.  (Bobbie)

MS PERSISTS:  I love you and I will go to any nutty lengths necessary to convince you that I love you.  I will marry your despicable brother just to ensure he can never bother us again.  I will give you a baby.  I will throw myself at you every chance I get.  I will fight any woman for you.    (Carly)

Along the same lines:  THE CLONE:  All of the attributes of Ms Persists, but instead of brotherly matrimony, will forsake her beloved career, protect you at all costs and look exactly like your beautiful dead wife and lover.  Bonus!  (Hannah)

SMART WIFE/CUTE WIFE:  What more could you ask for but to have two wives? One is blonde, beautiful, sophisticated, creative, has stars in her eyes, is infinitely patient and a wealthy fashion designer.  The other is brunette, beautiful, shrewd, clever, witty, extremely accommodating, comes from an incredibly wealthy family and gives free legal services.  Both love you to distraction, think the other is fab and will do anything to protect this “arrangement”.   (Alexis and Chloe)

DINER WOMAN:  C’mon in, have a cuppa joe, no, your money’s no good here, yes, I’m beautiful and I’m an ex-hooker with a heart of gold.  I dole out good advice with a hot slice of apple pie and a big slab of vanilla ice cream.  I’ll nurture you and understand you at the same time.  I gave up making bank on my back to work for minimum wage and have a room that’s still at work.  I might look like working class, but watch how good I clean up for the Nurse’s Ball.  Everybody gets a fair shake with me unless it’s some bitch who has wronged you and then I’m not giving an inch until I have to.  (Tammy) 

WORKAHOLIC WOMAN:  I’m harried out of my mind.  I keep our apecrap, dysfunctional family corralled, hold down my own cardiac surgery practice while I also run the hospital for you.  Lord knows you deserve to come back to your prestigious job once you’ve kicked that nasty drug habit.  I’ll cheat on you just enough to pique your passion and scold you because you like it.  I don’t even care that you’ve gained 100 pounds since I married you, you’re my handsome cuddle bear and I’m crazy about you.  (Monica)

HESTA, GODDESS OF THE HOME AND HEARTH:  She’s beautiful, she’s blonde, she is a full bodied, non-anorexic, real woman.  She’s nurturing, she’s loving, she’s forgiving.  She’ll slip off to the Carolinas or Switzerland when you need her to and she’ll even try to forsake her firstborn because he offends you (but she can’t, because she’s nurturing, just like you want her to be).  Leave her and she’ll keep the home fires burning.  She’ll take your enemy to be her consort so you don’t have to hate a friend.  She’ll cast longing eyes at you whenever she sees you and will be grateful for any loving crumb you throw her.  The other side of Hesta is that your one true love, the woman you obsess over for years and then punish mercilessly, both directly and via her family, for leaving you will forgive you and love you.  Keep my mom comatose and not tell me for 15 years that she’s alive?  No problem, I forgive you.  Put my son in danger through some stupid computer game?  Hmmm, that one is borderline, but OK, I forgive you.  You were just trying to get my attention, after all.  Dress some broad up like me and decide to marry her?  Hey, I’m flexible and that sounds reasonable to me.  Poison your mom?  I’m sure we can work past that as well.  (Laura)

ANGEL CHICK:  She knows what everyone should do at any time and seldom makes mistakes herself.  She is usually of college age and loves unconditionally until you need her to step aside.  She will then do something so unforgivable that you won’t have to work on missing her.  She has big batting eyes and long flowing hair, until she’s about to beat a retreat (for your own good), at which time she will cut it off and look goofy, again, so you don’t miss her as much.  She does have fire in her though, and will pull it up in trumps whenever you need to be defended.  Stands her ground with authority figures, but in the very nicest and fairest of ways, always demonstrating how unreasonable the parental figure is in wanting her to comply with their wishes.  Usually has very little or no contact with her parents, so authority encumbrances are once removed.   (Robin)

LONG ARM OF THE LAW:  If you’ve got to get the book thrown your way, let it be by a beautiful ADA who spills oh-so-attractively over the top of her shirt, pretending to be curt and snotty, but she’s really just pert and playing hard to get.   (Dara)

LONGSUFFERING AND FORGIVING:  Even our grandmotherly archetype in the wheel chair projects strength only when it is appropriate and has forgiven more sins in the name of love than Father Flannigan.  She’s bright, loving, chipper and understanding, everything the Edwardian types would want in a partner.  (Lila)

We women are much simpler.  Cute and rich, bad guy with a heart of gold or dedicated doctor.  All of the male characters can be tucked away into these neat little pigeon-holes in one way or another.  The good news is that by playing to the fantasy archetypes, there’s something for everyone.  All those who are not aesthetically pleasing are tucked away, seldom to surface in the average week or are bit players in a temporary role.  It’s fantasy, it’s what we like and we learned a lot time ago that it’s not going to go like real life would go.  That’s what’s so great about the soaps. 

ADVICE TO SOME OF THE CITIZENS OF PORT CHARLES: 

Mac:  Keep up the good work.  If we had known all you needed was a flame under your butt to rile you into action and give us the old Mac, we would have flared up the Bic long ago.  Watch “NYPD Blue” and take notes.   

Alexis:  Watch “Paint Your Wagon” and take notes.  Forget the ending.  Elizabeth really ends up with both Ben and Pardner. 

Chloe:  Get your depo shot.  Read Vogue and draw pictures. 

Carly:  Remember your primary objective and find a way to get AJ back on the damned sauce.  That gives you your grounds for divorce and solves your custody problems.  Slip a little tasteless, odorless into his club soda.  Get reeeally nice, pretend to go back to super wife and the pull the rug out from under him by turning him into a drunk like you originally intended.  Jeez, do I have to think of everything?  (Side note.  Saw the preview, saw her swoon and I’m telling you, folks, the baby fairy IS going to land)  Watch the movie “Gaslight” and take notes. 

Sonny:  Watch “Analyze This” and take notes.  Also, get friendly with Carly fast if you want to see Baby Corinthos.  Since you have a lot of time on your hands right now with Hannah pried off your couch, also watch “Donnie Brasco,” “The Godfather 1-4,” “Carlito’s Way” and “Goodfellas.” 

Nikolas:  Watch old episodes of GH with Tyler Christopher in your role and take notes. 

Stefan:  Dig out your script from “Lion In Winter” and reread it, taking notes. 

Helena:  Watch “Dead Man Walking” and take notes. 

Alan and Monica:  Watch “Indecent Proposal” and take notes. 

Emily and Juan.  Romeo.  Juliet.  Notes. 

Hannah:  Watch the Lifetime channel and take notes.  You could also sit with Mac while he watches “NYPD Blue.”  It could be a sort of in-service.   

Laura and Luke:  Read any Sherlock Holmes book you can find and sharpen your detective skills.  You’re gonna need them. 

Felicia:  Watch “Liar, Liar” and take notes. 

Hope everyone had a great New Year’s celebration and are ready to rock for the coming GH year.  It’s going to be interesting! 

See You Next Week!