Welcome, welcome all to my little "alternate sense of reality".  For a few hours each week I live in Port Charles, Pine Valley and Salem, with the occasional road trip to Genoa City and more recently into Llanview, but I truly could have taken up residence in Santa Barbara.  I realize this seems like quite a lot of television, but in reality, I can watch my regular three hours of soaps in one hour and five minutes most days.  May the Soap God bless whomever invented the fast forward button.  There are so few other TV shows that require my attention that I am able to devote my time to my one true television love . . . the soap opera.  The first thing you should know about my writing is that I'm a "stream of consciousness" writer.  When it appears in my head, my fingers type it.  No particular order or rhyme to the reason.  As for GH, I'm wholeheartedly devoted to the coupling of Luke and Laura; Ned and Alexis are an obsession; I hate, loathe and despise Carly and her relationship with Sonny; and, I believe Chloe at outlived her days on Planet Earth.

This is my first column; therefore, it meanders through some stuff.  By next week, I'll have some sort of formula to go by.  Please enjoy this brief visit into my alternate sense of reality.  I am spoiler free, so if you should choose to email me, please refrain from mentioning any spoilers. 

Jax and Chloe bore me to tears . . . the only hope I hold out for this story is for Helena to really and truly get her freak on with Jax and TPTB pretty much put a stop to that already.  So now I'm back to wishing that Helena will finish the job she started with the car and actually kill Chloe.  I maintain that Helena should have backed up and finished the job the first time, thereby sparing me from any of this torture over the last few months.  Chloe also gets the first :::rolling eyes::: scene of the week with the line: "Helena is not the easiest person to read".  No kidding Chloe.  That's why she's more fun than YOU.  She wore the ugly backless shirt when she went to see Alexis.  Really, I don't know how much more ugly clothing I can take from her.  Then on Friday, she wore this yellow dress and I've been stressing all weekend about where I'd seen it before and it finally came to me:  Greenlee wore that same dress to Hayley and Mateo's most recent wedding on AMC and I must say that Greenlee looked far better in it.

The Scooby Doo Gang aka the teens (or the bad hair brigade) are constantly leaving ruts in my last nerve with the Mystery Machine.  This week Shaggy and Fred, oopps I mean NuLucky and NuNik accost Gia the blackmailer in the alley and she's way too calm about two young guys jumping all over her. Let's not even delve into the fact that every conversation held between Velma and Daphne, er I mean Liz and Emily was totally fastforwardable.  I am loving Liz's new hair this week, now that it's not ten inches tall.  The last time hair that big was acceptable, The King was still doing concerts in the white jumpsuit.

I really care not one thing about Emily and Juan.  Boofriggin'hoo!  You are only teenagers and I'm not invested.  Move on! Shaggy has no business asking Velma if she slept with Quarterbrain.  If he doesn't want her, then it's none of his business even if she opens up shop on Cortland Street.  I'm reminded of the FRIENDS episode when Ross shouted to Rachel "WE WERE ON A BREAK!".  You don't get a vote Shaggy, if all you want to is to be best buds. Then the gang decides that Liz should pose as a census taker to obtain information about the blackmailer and they disguise her by :::gasp::: putting glasses on her.  I know I didn't recognize her, how in the world did anyone else?  :::rolling eyes::: All of that being said, Get Shaggy a Scooby Snack just for looking so ultrafine in his Levis!  

The highlight of the week was Nexis (Ned and Alexis).  My sweet, lovable, extremely neurotic Nexis, who have been lingering in backburner hell for the last two years, which is completely unacceptable.  First, in Luke's club I loved that AJ partially listed reasons not to be involved with a Q man and Alexis didn't even flinch.  AJ is a riot these days.  He can't lose for winning.  I love the irony.  I smiled through the entire exchange between Alexis and AJ.  "You don't count, you're a natural pessimist."  True Alexis.  I believe he underestimated my girl Alexis, though.  He failed to take into account the fact that she's a Cassadine.  That family is equally screwed up.   The first "aawwww" moment of the week is given to Alexis for her line to Ned "you had to do something to pass the time while you were waiting for me".  They are too adorable.  What happened to the spontaneity?  They left the club, then nothing.  Shallow note: Adored her outfit!  Next day:  Sonny and Alexis:  First, methinks it's ironic that Sonny is a member of the neighborhood watch.  Now, a few rhetorical questions from this member of the peanut gallery.  Why didn't Alexis just move into Wyndamere?  Nobody else is living there since Stefan "died", except deadTed and he doesn't count.  She'd have all the room she needed and Mrs. Landsbury would cook all the popcorn she wanted.  It would be easier to conduct the estate business from there, no?

Why is she asking Sonny about Realtors?  Ned didn't know any?  Why doesn't Ned just move her into the Gatehouse with him?  They ARE engaged AND, if Ned would just marry Alexis already(!) he would have some say in where she lived!  I'm not pulling for them to get married. IMO, marriage is not the be-all-end-all-thrill-of-all-time, but I know that it would solve his dilemma about her living arrangements.  The Nexis fight, while far more comical than I'd hoped for, was enjoyable television.  The way they were shouting over each other, Alexis was defending herself while looking for her phone, Ned was questioning her lingerie, so real.  The only drawback was Ned had this weird sprig of hair sticking out from the right side of his head and it was distracting, even more so than the caterpillar that has taken up residence below his bottom lip. Why doesn't she have a hard-line phone in the apartment?  I know Jason had one when he lived there.

Back to the fight:  Why didn't Alexis point out to Ned that she's safer living in the same building with all of Sonny's guards, since Helena is challenging her on the Trusteeship of the Cassadine estate and we all know how Helena deals with obstacles?  Why didn't Ned suggest that he move in too, or suggest that she move into the gatehouse if she wanted more room? In the end, the simultaneous "FINE!!" was just like them.  They are so in sync.  Loved the parting comments "rockstar" and "mouthpiece".  They're adorable even when they fight.  Nothing too harsh was said, nor should it have been considering the fight was simply over an address. The actual comical line of the week for me was Alexis' drunken statement to Sonny after her fight with Ned: "Not so fast, Mr. Smileyface." That was too funny. 

The prelude to the Nexis make-up:  Ned was at first spouting untruths, for example he said that Alexis has a tendency to do whatever she pleases and to hell with everybody else.  How is that in keeping with her Gatekeeper personality?  It's not and that's my point.  Alexis is all about taking care of everybody else before herself.  It just goes to show how Ned was not thinking when he was upset about Alexis moving next door to Sonny.  Next, Ned's monologue to Chloe regarding the small things he loves about Alexis was, by far, the most endearing scene of the week.  The silk pajamas, warm feet, buying her 13 pairs of glasses, the way she walks across the room, and she hates it when I watch her.  ::::::swoon::::::: I so adore him.  Plus, he actually mentioned, not once but twice, this week the fact that she's his fiancée and receives bonus points for saying something to the effect of "the woman I intend to marry".  I also note how his voice dropped by decibels the more he thought about  the fight.  By the time he got around to "I shouldn't have yelled at her",  you could hear the regret in the soft tone of his voice.   Alexis being drunk, slurring her words, not making any sense, then passing out in the suitcases was hysterical.  Haven't we all had fights like that with the one we love?    Jax covering her and kissing her on the forehead before he left was sweet.  I like them as friends. 

The Nexis make-up, came about too fast.  They did not resolve anything, hell they barely even spoke before the clothes were a'flyin' and it's not that I object a little make-up sex, but there are issues there that need to be resolved. 

Now just a thought:  Alexis does, let me repeat - DOES have an office at L&B.  After Ned leased the place, there was a scene wherein Ned and Alexis were discussing the fact that Chloe decorated the reception area, the word Ned used was "funky".  Alexis replied that she needed to decorate her own office, because she "can't think in a funky room."  PAY ATTENTION WRITERS!  If you want to move Alexis, then do it for some other reason than she needs an office because she's friggin' got one!  I know this is all about Sonny and Carly.  We really can't have any story other than Sonny and Carly. UGH!  We wouldn't want to divide the attention of the writers, much less the viewers, now would we?  (Can you feel my sarcasm?) 

I loved the Nexis commentary during Sonny and Carly's fight.  "Do you hear the violins?" LMAO!  Alexis is too funny.  I do strenuously object to Nexis becoming secondary to and providing a commentary on Sonny and Carly on a regular basis ala the Mixed Marriage fiasco.  I'm far more interested and invested in my Nexis.  Plus Carly should be shot for interrupting my scene with a 1/2 NekkidNed.  Anytime one of my guys removes a shirt, everyone should step back and admire the beauty for at least two full minutes.  Carly, Roy and Sonny:  Sonny apologized to quickly to Carly and she accepted far too quickly.  Both are out of character.  Their little flirtation at the Brownstone afterwards was gag-inducing, most especially Carly's comment about Bobbie wanting them out so she could do the "horizontal boogie at will" with Roy.  Let ye who is without sin, cast the first stone, CARLY! Carly's attempt at sucking up to Bobbie via the Birthday party was completely lame; however, it threw Bobbie and Tony together which is infinitely more watchable than anything we've seen with Bobbie and Roy since the kick-the-bedroom-door open sex. Later, after Carly broke up my Nexis gettin' their groove on and Sonny showed up, Carly so, soooo had his number about taking away all of her options to make sure she'd have to move in with him.  I must give her credit for that. Carly flirting with Roy was terribly disgusting, but Roy fixed her little red wagon when he flirted back and scarred the living daylights out of her.  I hope he continues to mess with her mind.  He had her number.  Go Roy! 

Where does Mike get off asking Roy for dough?  Hello Mike, he's been in prison or working for the feds for the last 20 years, I don't think he's got a savings account!  And, AND, Mike doesn't know him from Adam, why in the world would he give Mike the money?  

Alan and Tony were ultra-enjoyable this week.  The residents of PC need to interact with friends more often.  Tony also had a line contending for most endearing line of the week with "Because she loves you and you love her."  Alan and Monica are another couple that are languishing in backburner hell for reasons unknown to me.  They're talented, funny, romantic, sweet.  I just don't get it.  AJ's line to Alan "Two words: seek counseling.  Dad, procreation in this family, just doesn't work out" was a contender for line of the week.  I literally laughed out loud.   The second most endearing line of the week was Alan to Monica: "I just don't want to lose you."  There was such sadness in his voice.  On the surface, it may just be his concern for the perceived threat of an affair, but in reality I believe that he's  concerned for her health and really losing her after his conversation with AJ. 

Dara needs to retract her claws when it comes to Hannah. MEOW!  I believe Dara is the one who couldn't make up her mind between Tags and Justus.  He wasn't going to wait forever.  Give it up, hon... you missed out on that action.  That line to Hannah  "I'd hate for your personal life to interfere with your job."  Um, whatever.  You are the one being nasty. 

My favorite scene of the week: 

Hannah:  "I keep my personal life separate from my business."
Mac: "Since when, Sonny Corinthos?"
Tracey: ROFL!  You go Mac!

Mac to Hannah: "People are way to quick to say our personal lives effect our work.  Don't make it any easier for them."

Tracey:  "Hello pot, meet kettle."  Mac should have removed himself from Stefan's case long before now.  I applaud Taggert for pointing it out to him. It'll just get Mac into trouble later.

Speaking of Taggert, he is way out of line telling Liz to give Juan a break.  Since when does he get to tell the Scooby Doo gang who their friends are? Also, why is a Lieutenant investing a disturbance call?  That kind of thing is usually left to the foot patrols or rookies.  It's not for the detectives. 

Lowlight of the week:  We have two possibilities.  Juan singing and the Em  montage. *yawn* Hello again, Mr. Fastforward. 

OR

Taggert/Hannah sex with Juan catching Hannah in Taggert's shirt.  I guess teenagers in PC aren't supposed to know that adults have sex. 

Miscellaneous thoughts that really didn't fit anywhere:

Is it any wonder that Bobbie wants Carly to move out?  The Brownstone is a
mess!  (I agree that it's out of character for Bobbie to throw Carly out, but
that's a different commentary.) Does anyone find it odd that Alexis carried on conversations with everyone through the door of her new place, but she and Ned didn't hear Carly talking to Leticia in the hallway before she rudely interrupted the christening of the new apartment?

NuTammy is excessively and unnecessarily bitchy.

Bobbie needs to lay off of AJ, she's not in a position to judge anyone.  So
he puts vodka in his coffee . . . don't knock it until you try it.  I should
have a degree from Miller Brewing Company rather than the fully accredited
way too expensive private college I graduated from because my roommate and I
invented so many new drinks during our 4 year incarceration that it's not
even laughable.  Hell, we started our day at 7 a.m. with Kahlua in chocolate
milk or Peppermint Schnapps in hot chocolate.  I hate coffee, even the smell
of it makes me ill, but maybe enough vodka in it would cure that for me.

AJ should stage a hostile takeover of ELQ with all his new found wealth. That
would shut Edward up.

Stefan managed to get the pills from the pharmaceutical company, but Jax
couldn't?

Reginald called Emily (a Q!!!) at Kelly's . . . She doesn't have a cell
phone? 

Poor, poor Andreas, looks like he'll be seeing Ari pretty soon.

Sonny should refrain from wearing hot pink dress shirts.  He looked like he
was the local salsa dance teacher.

I love a 1/2 nekkidStefan, especially now that the FrencHO has been removed.

Note to TPTB:  Look into turning the A/C up, because your cast is sporting
way too much T.H.O. and I find it distracting.

Continuity people, I need continuity.

That's my take on GH this week.