Katrina's Fatastic Journal
July 16, 2002
time no weight loss! At
least on this end (ha ha, this fairly large end) anyway.
Iíve been batting around the inner workings, trying to find
the key, looking for the reason why Iím holding on to the weight
when it really does mean a lot to me to be a nice size 14 or 12.
Every time I start to lose weight, I panic and start eating or
stop exercising. I
donít know if itís specifically holding onto the weight of if
itís having a set point on how long I am willing to go without
medicating myself with food or what.
I know the food provides instant relief to me when Iím
frustrated or sad or angry or feeling un-nurtured (it also helps when
Iím hungry, as best as I recall).
Nothing else seems to do anything to help. OK, shopping does, but in our current financial state,
thatís not really an option. Being
that those two things are the only things that make me feel better, I
am leaning toward the fact that they are directly doing something for
me and it is therefore, a nurturing issue.
I do definitely eat more when Iím feeling low, when Eric is
emotionally or physically unavailable or when Iím challenged in some
way. I think it really is
all about that ďI want my mamaĒ post I did at some point in the
almost recent past.
book Iíve ever read about successful weight loss has insisted that
there is a ďclickĒ you feel and a zone you get into where it just
happens and youíre rolling with the flow and you get into the groove
of doing all the things to help the weight loss along.
Iím not there and Iíve never been there for long, only
visited a time or two or ten. For
some reason, my visa is never approved for a longer trip.
if I am going to sit around and wait for the ďclick,Ē Iím
possibly going to be fat forever.
Goddess knows Iíve burned off another year, gaining and
losing the same 5-10 pounds over and over.
So what Iím doing now is ignoring the click and the idea that
ďitís time,Ē so Iím just going through the exercise motions.
Beginning this week, Iím walking a mile or so every day,
listening to Phil (my best walking partner) and doing my Body Flexing
twice a day. I took my
measurements on Monday and then took them again because I was getting
a nosebleed from how high the numbers were.
Nope, they were right. Shit.
How does someoneís ass get so much further across the horizon
without them turning around and noticing it??
How did I not have the distinct impression that someone was
following, only to turn around and find out it was MY ASS? Why hasnít someone lovingly asked me when the baby is due
with my belly so big? Donít
they CARE when my baby is due??
that told me to get busy, hence, the body flexing twice a day.
I can at LEAST do that! It
only takes 10 minutes per time and it works up a good sweat and I KNOW
it works (when I first tried it a year ago, I lost 10 inches off my
butt in the first 10 days!!), so why donít I do it?
How lazy can I get? I
am GOING to do that part, at least give the 20 minutes a day, take a
swipe at the WW points system (again) and do my very best to make the
walking happen as well. Since
my year of emphasis on the food intake has been ineffective (I can
hear Phil say, ďSo howís that workiní for you?Ē), Iím going
with the exercise. I need
it on so many levels, deeply beyond the weight loss and I shouldnít
have any feelings of deprivation as a result.
I just need to do it, whether Iím feeling ďthe clickĒ or
Last week, I lost 4 pounds just by cutting back on the diet drinks and upping the water intake. Iíd gone back to drinking exactly NO water in a day. Iíve got to take better care of myself.
pounds took me BACK DOWN to my setpoint of 226, so Iím starting from
my usual point again. Iíll
see where I am on the measurements in a week.
That is going to be my emphasis rather than the weight because
I know Iím going to be building muscle while Iím losing fat,
although Iím fairly sure that most people who have good muscle are
not 5í5Ē weighing 226, so the weight will have to drop at some
Thatís where I am! Iíll check in next week.
rebelling. Iíve been
trying to figure out why, but as soon as the WW Points started to work
for me, I started perfecting the fine art of potato skin making, with
Sageís assistance. Iíve
considered all of the angles.
I like food very much. Itís
a very sensual experience for me to eat.
I enjoy sensation through all five sense and taste is one of
them, so I relish it. I just love to eat. I
love the feeling of being full. I
love the variety of tastes and textures.
Iím just an oral kind of person.
I love the feeling of being nurtured, so I especially love food
that someone else prepared for me, even if itís some
nameless, faceless chef in a restaurant.
Iíve spent 30 years taking care of other people and I love it
when someone take care of me for a while.
My hubby is a wonderful, loving man with countless positive
traits, but nurturing definitely is not one of them.
He doesnít have a nurturing bone in his body.
He loves his kids and is one of the best dads Iíve ever seen.
He loves me and is a great husband overall, but nurture he
doesnít do. I miss
nurture. I get lots of nurture from online friends, but it doesnít
work for me in the same way that in person nurture does and doesnít
really fill that gap. Itís
great, donít get me wrong and Iíd probably die without it, but I
need the in person stuff. On
the other hand, my hubby is someone who requires huge amounts of
nurturing, plus there are the three little kids and three big kids
(who donít require much nurturing, but the Mom thing is still
there). My best in-person
friend is working very hard this year to NOT be nurturing, which is a
very, very good thing for her and will definitely be best in the long
run (and in the short run), so thatís totally cool.
I know about myself that in absence of external emotional
nurturing, I eat. I wish
I could get it all from myself or do it for myself.
One of the ways that I do is by shopping at thrift shop.
Getting ďstuffĒ helps me, but with Eric laid off, weíve
been cutting back, so that had to go.
Iím not a prissy person, so manicures and such donít feed
me in any particular way. I
keep trying to find nonfood emotional nourishment, but nothing seems
to compete. I have a very
rich and wonderful spiritual life, but that doesnít carry me through
either. I need to want
this more, to the point that it overrides the need for nurturing.
Iím not exercising. Iím
not drinking the water. Iím
not taking the ThermaPro and Iím eating like a pig.
hit the reset button, Iím fasting for today and however far I can
go, probably until lunch or dinner tomorrow, longer if I can.
I took the ThermaPro (and weirdly, Iím not buzzing from it)
and a multivitamin. Iím
drinking juice and water and I have strawberries (a great antioxidant)
if I get really, really hungry. I
have new Dr Phil tapes (ďGet RealĒ workshop Ė E-bay!!) and
Iíll start walking again today.
I know Iím in bad shape when I have new Dr Phil tapes for a
couple of weeks and Iím not out there walking.
I donít want to do it, but I know I need to, so Iím doing
think what I need is a mommy. My mom was in and out of surgery for most of the time I was
growing up, from about 10 on, and I had to take care of my dad and
brothers for the next 6 years until I left home and started taking
care of my (then) husband and little boy.
Since then, thereís never been a time (day) that I wasnít
taking care of someone. I
feel like *I* want to be taken care of for a while.
I want days where people dote on me and let me sleep until
Iím ready to get up and let me write when I want to write and let me
eat when and what I want to eat and read when I want to read and take
a bath in a tub that doesnít have a straight back, drippy faucet,
shower door and ugly bright blue paint everywhere. I need a mommy to give me hugs and rub my hair and make food
for me and do my laundry and watch my kids and buy me stuff and call
me ďBabyĒ and ďSweetieĒ and love me unconditionally.
God, I just described Sage.
I wish he wasnít so far away and few and far between. Sometimes, Sage is the most ďrealĒ person I know.
Those of you who know him can vouch for this.
Heís so kind and loving and unselfish and giving and if my,
he werenít so unavailable, my hubby might have something to worry
But everyone involved knows that he doesnít.
read so many books on weight loss and dieting and lifestyle change and
healing from the inside out and taking responsibility for your actions
and choices and forgiving and forgetting and healing your past and
creating your own reality and fakiní it until youíre makiní it
and loving yourself first and that itís not what youíre eating,
but whatís eating you and the quest for inner peace and the
development of the soul and getting right with yourself and deciding
whether your inner child needs a hug or a spanking.
I get it intellectually, but some integral cylinder at my core
just isnít firing. Yeah, Iíll keep on keeping on.
Iíll drink the water and do the exercise and take the pills
and count the points and all that, but damn, Iíve got to figure this
Sarrandon is on The View right now.
WHAT a bitch and a killjoy!
God forbid we have any fun and not be crying about the
atrocities happening in Burma and the rest of the world!
I *love* activists and their passion and dedication, but I
*hate* when they get all huffy and pissy and indignant when you
donít cream all over their causes or worse, donít particularly
give a shit about their cause.
Pffft. Fuck you,
Thelma or Louise or whichever one you are.