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Love Men: you can have whatever woman you want, as long as you remember that all women are evil users who are to blame for all your problems; unless they have an ex-husband/former lover, especially one with mob ties; in that case, they are to blame, not your woman. Women: the man you love will be in and out of your life several times. You will both marry/sleep with/live with other people, then, when you are together again you will ignore the fact that there were times you weren’t together! You will instantaneously be blinded to all he ever did to hurt you! Isn’t love grand? When you have more than two men in love with you, and you will, at least once, be sure to confuse them both and lead them both on. What the hell, huh? You live once. Beauty Remember, you will no longer have to spend time on your appearance! Men, you can spend more precious time reviewing your illegal activities or scheming against your rivals. You are not ugly because you’re a soap character, and there are no ugly people in soaps (usually). Remember: Ugly people are not to be trusted and are to be used as scapegoats in all circumstances (unless there is a woman to be used as a scapegoat). And women – you will never wake up without full make-up. And you hair will NEVER be messy again! Bedhead? What’s bedhead? Also, always make sure to wear tight, tight clothes and be extra-special skinny, even when pregnant. Bony is the look we’re going for here. You can eat as much as you want – you’ll just keep getting thinner! Friendships (for lack of a better word) Ladies, a pretty woman can not be your friend unless she is related to you (and not always! Check the rule book for special cases). A woman is always your rival, unless one of you has a scheme that only the other can help you with. Then you will be friends until a man comes between you. You will possibly have lots of catfights. Men, if you see another man, and he is not your friend, you simply must hit him for no reason. If you don’t hit him, offer him lame sympathies for his crisis du jour, such as “Tough break, man…” or make a play for his woman. If he has mob ties, blame him for all your troubles, than stand still while he hits you, or has one of his minions hits you. Men and women cannot be friends unless they are related, as per the When Harry Met Sally Act of 1989. Work Work? It is to laugh! You don’t have to work at anything other than looking good – and you don’t even have to work at that! There may be times where your character is demeaned into getting a “real job” (The shame! The shame!), but don’t worry. You can quite easily pull the Patented Webber Matthews Maneuver and ask someone to take your shift! Then you can go racing after your man/woman, or go back to your apartment and whine about your problems. Who could ask for anything more? Ethics are a thing of the past. Lying, cheating, and stealing is A-OK, in fact, it’s encouraged! How else are you going to win? This is the soaps, not real life – winning is everything. Growing Pains Hi kids! If you live with your parents, they are probably not your real parents, and will teach you to ignore your biological parents, who live across the street. Don’t worry, because whether or not you live with your real parents, you probably won’t see much of them anyway. Sorry to tell you this, but your childhood will likely be very short. You’ll wake up some days with a different face, and will probably be several years older than you were when you went to bed. It will get to the point where “Mommy” is only ten years older than you. Get used to it: It continues when you’re an adult! Someday, you might even be older than your parents! Aim high. Note to Parents: Never, ever listen to your children. They know what they are talking about and we can’t have you with a foot in reality, now can we? They are but props to parade around for your convenience, not to be loved. Don’t get too attached (see above growing pains explanation). Also, make sure to have lots of unpleasant confrontations in front of your kids. It builds their character! How to Keep Secrets Always talk about private things in the open, where anyone could walk by and hear you reveal you slept with your cousin’s tutor’s shoe repair empire heir and are pregnant with his alien baby. Ladies, when you take a big purse, make sure that there is only one thing in it, preferably something incriminating: for example, a pregnancy test (gasp!), a gun, a sought after tape recording, a stolen bank book, or a picture of someone’s long lost sister/mother/friend/nanny/lover/chef. Men and women: never tell anybody anything. Wait for them to discover it so you can have a big blow up. When you discover a secret, don’t tell someone that you know the secret! Silly thing, this now gives you a secret! Honesty: bad! Lies: good! Secrets create more secrets and that creates more agonizing days! It’s what you live for. Life, Aging and Death Been told you can’t have children? Oh P’shah! Of course you can have children. Anyone in soapland can get pregnant, it’s carrying the pregnancy to term that’s the tricky part. Your pregnancy will happen at the most inopportune time possible for your character; more than likely after you’ve slept with more than one man (naughty girl!). Warning: If you do get pregnant and you really want the child, leave town immediately. Mule or horseback would be your safest bet. Your favorite person in the world has passed away? It’s OK, this isn’t real life! Do not worry – the love of your life will be back, probably before you are about to marry or are sleeping with somebody else. And if they don’t find a body, they are not dead. Nobody ever dies (for long) in soapland! The worst news I have is for women who are, well, over 35! You are considered old and decrepit. You will be relegated to what we call in soapland “Backburner.” That means you will always be at the bank, out of town, in the kitchen, wherever, just not where the action is. Men – you have it slightly better. For now. Let’s be careful out there. Be loud and mighty, for tomorrow you may be cut!
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