EPA REPORTS DANGEROUS CHEMICAL IN PC WATER SUPPLY!!

PORT CHARLES, NEW YORK: The Environmental Protection Agency reported today that toxic levels of the agent RU12, also known as the "Dumshitz" Drug after Ima Dumshitz, the German scientist who first isolated the chemical in 1963. Side effects of RU12 are varied, but carry with them the common thread of the use of actions or words that would be considered by the mainstream intelligent public to be pure and utter idiocy.

Several incidences of behavior directly related to RU12 have been documented on video surveillance during the past week. A common example is the continuous repeating of comments, questions or suggestions that have already been addressed and vetoed. Samples of conversations with those affected might proceed as follows:

Bobbie Spencer: "Well, I have plenty of rooms open at the brownstone. Why don't you live there?" Roy DiLucca: "I just want some privacy, you know, a place of my own." Bobbie Spencer: "But you could always live at the brownstone." Roy DiLucca: "I just want more privacy than living at the brownstone would afford." Bobbie Spencer: "I know! You could live at the brownstone!" Roy DiLucca: "I just want some time on my own. I was just in prison. I'm not used to people, much less people breathing my every breath with me. I want my own place." Bobbie Spencer: "I was thinking about where you should live and there's plenty of room at…" Roy DiLucca: "I don't want to live at the F$@&ING BROWNSTONE!!!"

Jax: "I got the drugs. I can help my Chloe at last!" Tony Jones: "And I don't want to know what you had to do to get them." Jax: "I also got the pharmaceutical company that makes the drugs." Tony Jones: "I don't want to know what you had to do to get THAT." Chloe Morgan: "Yippee! Hurray! The drugs are working! Now you can dig into me with the gamma knife radiation and the last of my tumor will be gone! Thank you, Tony!" Tony Jones: "Don't thank me, thank Jax who got the drug. And I don't want to know what he had to do to get it."

Taggert: "I think you might be taking this case a little too personally, boss. I think you should look into Helena Cassadine's alibi or lack thereof." Mac Scorpio: "Why? Luke Spencer did it." Nikolas Cassadine: "I'm pretty sure my grandmother killed my uncle. She had motive, means and opportunity." Mac Scorpio: "Luke Spencer did it." Lucky Spencer: "Is my father still the prime suspect." Mac Scorpio: "Yup. Luke Spencer did it." Bobbie Spencer: "Any chance you're trying to nail Luke because he, heh heh, nailed your wife?" Mac Scorpio: "Nope. Luke Spencer did it." Dara Janson: "No case, Mac. You have only one piece of circumstantial evidence and a date book entry that could easily have been faked. You don't even have a dead person, just a missing one. I'm not going to go to Justus, the missing in action district attorney and give him this flimsy-butt case." Mac Scorpio: "Luke Spencer did it." Chloe Morgan: "Look, I saw Helena do it with my own eyes, I mean her own eyes, in my head, in my dream. I recognized a room I'd never been in and found a music box I'd never seen. Helena did it." Mac Scorpio: "Dreams. You people are nuts. Everyone knows Luke Spencer did it." Stefan Cassadine: "I'm here, little policeman. I'm tanned, studly, a master swordsman (just ask this blonde French lass) and I'm more alive than I've been since I joined the cast." Mac Scorpio: "Luke still did it."

AJ Quartermaine: "Hannah, you got the body I'm dreamin' of and we need to do some damage to the uptown club circuit. You like me and I want you for my woman." Hannah Scott: "AJ, you're a nice guy and I like you OK, but I'm dating Taggert and you're way too drunk for me." AJ Quartermaine: "You like me and I want you for my woman." Hannah Scott: "AJ, I'm really into Taggert and I don't mind being your friend and driving you home, but hey, I'm just not into a deeper relationship with you." AJ Quartermaine: "You like me and I want you for my woman." Hannah Scott: "Go to hell, AJ."

Emily Quartermaine: "Oh, Jeez, like, I'm really sorry to have dragged all of you into this." Elizabeth Webber: "It's OK, Em. We love you and we're in this together." Emily Quartermaine: "Oh, Jeez, like, I'm really sorry to have dragged all of you into this." Lucky Spencer: "Hey, Em, it's what we do, OK? We save you and you love us forever. Don't you worry." Emily Quartermaine: "Oh, Jeez, like, I'm really sorry to have dragged all of you into this." Lucky Spencer and Elizabeth Webber in unison: "Shut up, Em."

Another common side effect involves people acting and speaking in such a way that makes it apparent that they are confused or unclear about their social position in regard to societal class structure.

Benny: "Mr Corinthos, you need to get back to Port Charles now. You don't have any luck mixing business and women and I'm telling you to go home now or all hell's going to break loose." APPROPRIATE RESPONSE: "Benny, c'mere a minute. Benny, how long you worked for me now? I see. Now how long do you expect to keep workin' for me when you can't tell who's in charge here and who decides where I go, when I go and why I go? Are we understanding one another or do I need to get personal with this, y'know what I'm saying?" DOCUMENTED RESPONSE: Sonny Corinthos: "Ah, gee, Benny, I don' know, y'know Jason's depending on me to watch Carly and she needs me here and the kid needs me and doggone it, I want to do what you're saying, but you know, I see what you're saying and all, but I really think, oh jeez, I dunno…"

Leticia: "Why don't we just move back to the penthouse, dammit. Mr. Corinthos would never let this happen. I'd never tell him half the crap you pull, Carly. Just take us back to the nice penthouse instead of this skanky brownstone with the leaky washer and anyway, when are you going to enroll this kid in preschool so I can have some time off to be with Reginald?" APPROPRIATE RESPONSE: "ExCUSE me, Leticia, have you finished filling out your application for unemployment yet? Can you say GREEN CARD? Mr. Corinthos might be your boss, but I'm sure as hell your manager and if you don't like the terms of your employment, there's the DOOR." DOCUMENTED RESPONSE: Carly Benson: "Be my friend. Please."

Helena Cassadine: "AndreAS, I am ready for my massage now. Please use the lavender scented oil, warm it to 112 degrees Fahrenheit, not a degree more or less and please use the pumice to buff your hands before you touch my skin this time." APPROPRIATE RESPONSE: "You evil, wretched, venomous BITCH!! You stabbed my beloved wombmate with an icepick and have kept me in indentured servitude for months and months now and I'll see your next massage performed with sulfuric acid by Beelzebub himself! Take that, and that, and that, and that your heartless, malignant wretch!" DOCUMENTED RESPONSE: "Would Madam like to listen to the Mahler or the John Tesh during her massage?"

Emily Quartermaine: "Juan, I don't want to see you again. You hurt me desperately when you were making out with Allyson, then just when I was ready to forgive your moment of insanity, I walked in on you with that undressed Sherry chick wearing you like a coat of cheap paint. I never want to see you again." APPROPRIATE RESPONSE: "*sniff* OK, you're right. I suck. I'm dog doo. I am going to forever prove myself to you and be your lap dog until one of us dies." DOCUMENTED RESPONSE: "EM!!! But you're my GIRLFRIEND!! I only had her blouse off! I didn't have her BRA off and I only put my tongue in her mouth a few inches!!! How can you be so MEAN to me?? I didn't MEAN to jump on her on the L&B couch! I wasn't fumbling with my pants! I was tightening my belt so she couldn't get to my special purpose! I didn't mean to develop eight hands and put them all on her…why are you so unreasonable??"

Nonsensical ramblings are also common. Alexis Davis: "That's right, Helena, I just met with Nikolas and his attorneys and I am now trustee of the Cassadine estate." APPROPRIATE RESPONSE: "Well, Natasha, it seems you have bested me this time. Andreas, (cough, splutter) bring Ms Davis' (wink, wink) car around, please." DOCUMENTED RESPONSE: Helena Cassadine: "I assure you, everyone, blah, blah, blah, control is essential, Natasha, yammer, yammer, yammer, must make appointment with Alan to look over the budget for the hospital, blah, blah, blah."

Carly Benson: "Mom, I found out that Sonny is only being nice to me because he feels an obligation to Jason to take care of me and Michael. There is no longer a baby to tie us together and I don't feel right living with him and taking his charity any more. We had a great time together, but I don't believe he feels for me what I thought he did. I was deeply hurt when, only about ten minutes after I moved out, I found Elizabeth Webber wrapped all over Sonny, yet another one of my men. Rather than act out rashly and sleep with someone Sonny knew, loved and trusted, I instead came home to the brownstone, thought out my options and decided I should stay here for a while and let Sonny have his space. I really need your help because I have nowhere else to go." APPROPRIATE RESPONSE: "Honey, I'm just glad you aren't wanting to take advantage of anyone who isn't family and I was just telling Roy that there's plenty of room here. Why don't you stay here as long as you need to? I'll be happy to help you get your physical therapist job back at GH and I'll bet we can get Sonny to keep Leticia on board to take care of Michael until you're on your feet taking care of yourself again. Don't worry baby. For the first time in your life, Mama's here." DOCUMENTED RESPONSE: Bobbie Spencer: "You are NOT going to stay at the brownstone, yadda yadda yadda, emotional blackmail, yammer yammer yammer, SONNY!!! WHERE ARE WE GOING TO PUT CARLY?? blah blah blah you can't stay HERE, whah whah whah and if you were REALLY in trouble, I'd help you in a second, yack yack yack I JUST WANT MY LIFE BACK IT'S BEEN ALMOST 24 HOURS SINCE ROY AND I DID IT, GET OUT OF HERE AND TAKE YOUR KID WITH YOU!!!"

Other unreasonable behaviors noted: One citizen, Roy DiLucca, calls his girlfriend and daughter, "Baby" so frequently he sounds like a bad Kojak episode. Another denizen, who would require a full report of his own to document bizarre behavior, whips out martial arts moves at the slightest provocation to the point that he is now secretly called "Lucky Chan."

The most ironic observation noted is that the chemical had a reverse effect on at least one subject observed. It appears that if a person was previously stupid, they may actually be rendered an intelligent thought when subjected to RU12.

Taggert: "Man, that Commissioner Scorpio is waaay off base honing his vendetta against Spencer by using his badge to railroad him into a murder one charge. I'm just not down with that." APPROPRIATE RESPONSE: "Isn't that AJ in the gutter over there? I feel so bad for him, y'know?" DOCUMENTED RESPONSE: Hannah Scott: "Listen, Taggert, it sounds to me as if the Commissioner is way out of line on the prosecution of Spencer in the Cassadine murder case and intends to take you under with him. To protect yourself, I'd suggest that you document your encounters with him and make particular written note of your stated objections to the way he is handling the case. By maintaining a series of memos for record, you will be able to substantiate in court, if necessary, your concerns that Commissioner Scorpio is acting out a personal grievance that is interfering with the spearheading of a quality investigation. Should the worse then come to the worst, you would be covered as far as Internal Affairs was concerned and not suffer the potential loss of your position and status in the wake of a detailed investigation into possible misuse of power. Since you have been frequently accused of pushing the envelope where that issue is concerned, it is my opinion that such precautionary measures would go a long way in preserving your honor within the PCPD and provide considerable protection against a potentially volatile situation."

The EPA has an addition concern about warning Port Charles residents against the threat since none of the citizens have been observed watching a television, reading a newspaper or listening to a radio. The only means of mass communication, a nurse by the name of Amy Vining, has been out of commission for many years and is no longer considered to be a viable source of information distribution. To spread the word, the agency has posted a number of flyers with the appropriate warnings in a part of town known as "The Docks" as it seems that most of the people in town frequent the area. Anyone making contact with Port Charles residents are asked to note any peculiar behavior and, for Godsake, don't drink the water.

Katrina's notes: How can you not love GH right now? Sure, the stories are like watching paint dry and seem to get derailed and go off into nowhere for a while, but at least we are being wonderfully entertained in the meantime. Coltin Scott and Jacob Young must be hitting the clubs together in their off time now because their dynamics are really meshing well. I was cracking up at a number of their scenes, such as when they discovered that the freezer was missing, not to mention when they opened it together to see if Dead Ted was still "on ice."

It was funny when Emily, with a straight face, said in Nikolas' presence in Kelly's, "We've already lost five grand." "We?"??? Would that be as in she and the mouse in her pocket? I was fairly certain that it was NIKOLAS who was out 5 grand.

I loved the faraway look Sonny got when he was talking about Brenda and their destructive love. You could feel his pain when he told Elizabeth about how he had to give it up before it destroyed them both and that he never stopped loving her, just had to let it go. What a fantastic turn on the usual soap pablum of how love is always enough and conquers all demons.

Bobbie is becoming more like Tigger every day. Whenever Roy comes into the room she bounces over to him, *boing, boing, boing* and wraps herself around him like a wetsuit. I have recently seen several photos of Jacklyn Zeman in her non-GH time and I think I'm safe in saying that she most likely chooses Bobbie's wardrobe, just to settle a question that has hit my mailbox more than twice.

See you next week!

LINES OF THE WEEK

HELENA: "I think I must've been a ship's captain in my former life."
JAX: "Or a pirate."

CARLY [to Bobbie]: "Thank you very much for your completely useless words of wisdom."

EDWARD [to Emily]: "You're obedient, and you've been sticking very close to home, and you haven't picked a fight with anyone in quite a while…are you taking drugs again?"

LUCKY [after Nikolas chewed out Ms Lansbury]: "I forgot how obnoxious and overbearing you could be when you wear your Cassadine hat."
NIKOLAS: "Yeah, well, I haven't put it on in a while."
LUCKY: "It still fits."

EDWARD: "That Juan comes nowhere near close to deserving our granddaughter."
LILA: "Isn't it comforting to know a man doesn't have to deserve you in order for you to love him?"