August 25, 2004
WARNING: Rampant negativity follows. If you are looking for sweetness and light and an inspirational missive on why you should be enjoying ABC soaps, probably ought to just slip quietly away to find another writer. We have several here at Eye on Soaps and they embrace all levels of appreciation or lack thereof for our shows.
Lord knows I've tried to be good. I love ABC soaps and intended to always be a light in the window for those poor souls who wandered off the path of ABC appreciation. For the time being, I am extinguishing my flame and allowing myself to indulge in a full on bitchfest. After the week I've been watching, I think I've earned it.
Thusly began my earlier rant on "Wide World of Soaps." I think it will become my mantra. Those of you who have followed my writings for a while know that I am a life long (their lives, not mine) fan of GH and OLTL. I have literally watched them since they came on the air. I have a vast appreciation for the shows and now include AMC in my line up, having watched for about 2 years now. I also have a deep and abiding love for the shows. It's like reading a book that never ends.
Because I love the shows so much and have been there through thick and very thin (although not quite this thin, I can safely say), I feel I have earned the right to bitch and bitch I shall. Why, you may ask, do I continue to watch them if I'm unhappy with all 3 shows at the moment? Simple. Because they owe me. I've been here for 40+ years and that's quite an investment of time and energy. It takes a lot to walk away from a relationship like that and I'm just not at that point yet. I'm at the "you owe me and I'm not leaving that easily, so you'd better start putting out" point. Meanwhile, I bitch.
Didn't like him as Lucky on GH and can't stand him as JR on AMC. Jacob Young ranting and snorting and huffing and yelling does not a good actor make. Krystal is absolutely everything a Southern woman despises seeing a Southern woman portrayed to be and dear lord, that voice, someone PLEASE make it stop? Tad has been reduced to standing around looking bewildered, Maria is mentally cheating on Edmund, having gone from devoted, pious wife to mind-humping Zach every other scene. Edmund is going to seriously regret his little "not putting out" self-pitying tantrum, me thinks. Kendall is a raving, crazing shrew and Bobby is a wide-eyed, eternal victim. Ah. These are the Days of Our... nevermind... wrong network. These are "All My Children." Silly little scamps that they are. If these are my children, some are up for an ass-beating, I can tell you now.
The only time I paused to watch with any degree of interest this week was when Zach Slater was talking to Bianca. That whole interchange carried with it this weird ominous sense of something about to happen. Mind you, this is coming from a person who doesn't even LIKE Bianca. Mama just can't do the good girls, nuh uh. The scene was strong and filled with portent for reasons I can't even explain.
OK, I confess. I also was fairly riveted during the scene of Bianca and Babe in bed, busting JR's chops. JR, however, even though he KNEW he was busted just kept babbling on and on, forgetting the #1 rule of villaindom: Don't EVER babble out your plan, especially in front of witnesses.
My brain seizes up whenever Kendall comes onscreen and I have always liked Kendall.
Between my Kendall hate and liking two scene that featured Bianca, it's bizarro world in Pine Valley for Katrina.
I like David Hayward for the first time. I can't stand Tad for the first time. Go figure. I could start to dislike David Hayward again quite soon and I think we have located a common denominator here: Krystal evidently makes me despise any man associated with her.
The only constant is that I always love Reggie. Everyone else is quite negotiable to my affections.
What is with Jonathan's voice? I've tried to research the actor to learn if he is Scottish or Irish or British or Australian or WHAT, because whenever he speaks it sounds like he's working like mad to cover a very heavy accent.
Speaking of accents, if we're going to have Laveries on this show with accents, why oh why can't we have Duke Lavery show up, which would make the whole accent having issue make absolute sense?
This show is so boring right now, I just can't even find enough to complain about.
One Life of One Liners:
Antonio: I am INTENSE.
John: I am BROODING.
Tico: I am SO SESSY.
Sonia: I am NOT WHAT I SEEM.
Angelina: (Who I thought forever was "Aunt Helina") I am INTIMIDATED and A LITTLE CRAZY.
Carlotta: I have SECRETS.
Kelly: I am CRAZY and ADDICTED!
Duke: I am so CHARMING and NICE!
Adriana: I am INNOCENT AND NAIVE.
Kevin: I'm just a DICK, aren't I?
Viki: I am WISE!
Paul: I am an IDIOT.
Rex: I am a SLEAZE.
RJ: I am a FELON.
Natalie: I am SO MUCH OF A DUMBASS THAT I DEFY GOOD GENETICS.
Jessica: I am so VAPID I CAN BARELY SEE.
Roxy: I am ONLY COMIC RELIEF, NO STORY IN SIGHT.
Marcie: I am A CAUSE!
Michael: I am NOT AL.
Asa: I am SENILE.
Todd: I am HEALED OF MY PSYCHOSES!
Blair: I am A LOOSE CANNON.
Nora: I am BIDING MY TIME UNTIL BO COMES AROUND.
This pretty well sums up why I completely hate OLTL right now. Every one is drawn in such one-dimensional terms that they should be walking around Llanview wearing signs over their chests identifying their little pigeonhole.
The only characters who are complex enough to interest me at all are David and Dorian, who I feel are the best couple on ABC Daytime. They certainly are the happiest.
There are so many things that just don't make any sense at all. For instance, where is Nigel? Why is it that after years and years and years of complete sexual breakdowns, Todd is now suddenly a horndog? Can you imagine Roger Howarth kissing Crazy Margaret just to get information on Kevin (without at least spitting and wiping his mouth afterwards?)
Why doesn't Jessica tell Antonio to go screw himself into the ground? Suddenly he follows Sonny Corinthos' Rules for Woman Conduct and gets Jessica up out of bed to leave the room so he can talk to John? Screw you, Gypsy Rose Salsa, get an office already. And why does Antonio have to fondle Sonia's head in every scene? That would be a deal breaker for me.
In viewing Kelly's baby and remembering Liz's baby, Cameron, on GH, I have to wonder if ABC found a discount on big headed babies. Speaking of Kelly, she dry swallows her Bad Pills? Now there's an addict for you. Get the girl her sign to wear.
Enough of this show...
A week of murder mystery ends with us seeing that it's Mary behind the mask? Did she go out and buy that outfit at a "Killers R Us" store? Good writing would be that Emily rips off the mask, gasps and says, "YOU!!" and we don't see who the killer is until Monday, but then, that's a CLIFFHANGER and we don't have those any more. OK, OK, you got me. The patio door blowing open and the kids screaming, then clap to black was pretty good. Bill Ludel must have been directing that day.
Although I actually enjoyed a week free of Sonny, Carly, Jason, Sam, Courtney, Jax, etc, I did think that overall, the murder mystery was quite poorly done. There were some good things:
LOTS of The Kids Without Lois. Having Lois in the middle of this week would have made it even more unbearable. Her screeching voice seems to wax over into Jerry Lewis as the Nutty Professor a little too often for my taste. Yeeks.
LOTS of Big Alice (my favorite GH character next to Coleman), Mac, Felicia, Allan, Monica and Tracy. That's a good thing.
An excellent line from Dillon (paraphrased): "If I had a can of hairspray or a match, I could make a blow torch. A lifetime of hair vanity and I find myself without product."
Then there were really dumb and goofy things:
The kids left Trent alone, so we knew he was a goner. "There's a killer in the house! Let's split up!" >:< As soon as that happened, it was clear that Trent was the "yellow shirt guy" on the Star Trek Away Team who was going to be eaten by the slime monster. Little did we know he'd be killed by a fork sticking 2 inches into his back. I guess he was just a thin skinned kinda guy. As my beloved Sherry Mercurio said to me in an IM regarding that murder, "the only way you could kill someone with that fork is to shred them with it." I wuv her.
I had a big laugh when someone (was it Felicia?) came in with Mac's badge held in reverence. I thought, "Oh God! They've killed Mac's badge! I expected to see a tiny gardening fork sticking out of it.
I must have this "channeling board." I simply must. It's the coolest one I've ever seen and that says a LOT coming from a Witchy person like myself. If anyone out there works in the GH props department, I'll love you forever (and quite well) if you'll swipe this thing for me. I was thinking of what an amazingly funny running joke it would have been if they could have hired Stephen Nichols for one day to pop his head in every time they said, "channeling board" and chime in, "It's pronounced 'weeee-zjaahh.'" ("Witchboard," B movie circa 1985 starring Stephen Nichols) Of course, current copyright laws preclude use of the actual word, "Ouija" lest Parker Brothers get their thongs all bunched up their cracks. (Did I mention I want that board?)
I found it interesting that he's up to his eyes in every other crime that occurs in Port Charles, but Ric was nowhere to be found in all of this. I guess since Sonny had nothing to do with the Q murder, he couldn't be bothered. Having a Mac smorgasbord is not ever something I will complain about, however. That's one buffet to which I'd happily belly up and not leave until told, "I'm sorry, Mrs Rasbold, that's all you CAN eat for $5.99."
Not so the "Heather channeling Lila" moments, which were akin to a particularly large and hackworthy hairball. I was dismayed to find Alice, albeit for a good cause, she presumed, working in cahoots with Heather. Of course, that too, became all about Emily soon enough. If Heather ever picks up a candle again, I'm going to take a pee break rather than hearing poor Anna Lee spinning in her grave again.
All in all, it was great to go off the beaten path and have a focus on an entirely different part of the cast, but if nothing else, this week served to prove that the writing staff for GH is absolutely caught in the deadlights, stunned and useless, unless a Corinthos or Morgan is somewhere in the script. (O Sweet Spirit Who Gave Us the Dillon "Hairspray" Line, Please Come Forth!!) Given the choice, I would much prefer to have a week of these characters with bad writing than a lifetime of better writing with the predictable sixables.
Screen cap courtesy of GH World 5