August 25, 2004

WARNING:  Rampant negativity follows.  If you are looking for sweetness and light and an inspirational missive on why you should be enjoying ABC soaps, probably ought to just slip quietly away to find another writer.  We have several here at Eye on Soaps and they embrace all levels of appreciation or lack thereof for our shows. 

Lord knows I've tried to be good.  I love ABC soaps and intended to always be a light in the window for those poor souls who wandered off the path of ABC appreciation.  For the time being, I am extinguishing my flame and allowing myself to indulge in a full on bitchfest.  After the week I've been watching, I think I've earned it.

My first slip down the muddy, treacherous incline into the pits of abject mockery and at times, hatred of ABC soaps started with Bob Guiney, as in "pig," as in guinea pig, as in an experiment that didn't work. 

OK, who is this guy again?  He was (one of) the one(s) who LOST on "The Bachelorette?"  Trista chose someone else and Bob gets to marry Rebecca Budig, be famous and screw up my soaps through the commercial breaks?  Did you know he has an album coming out in November called "3 sides"  with his band from college, "Fat Amy?"  Did you also know that he is completely up my butt and twisting in a most irritating and painful way?  Scott Clifton smile or not, I've had it wit' dis guy.

Initially, I had nothing against the fella and only vaguely knew who "Bachelor Bob" was.  I don't get much out of reality shows overall (beyond a guilty peek at Joe Schmo and Surreal Life from time to time) and largely depend on my friend Sherry to be good enough to balance me out by picking up my slack in that department.    In this particular case (since, hey, I don't know the guy), I came in with the approach of an objective, willing spirit.  I'll confess that didn't care for the "Wide World of Soaps" idea because I'm just simply NOT a sports person and the idea of integrating sports talk into my soap time gave me a good eye roll and groan. 

I feel the same way about kids on soaps.  As far as I'm concerned, soap kids should be off screen at all times, going to diabetic camp, hiding in the attic or off at the park with Leticia or Mary Ann.  They can show up for the required bout of aplastic anemia or  to submit DNA samples for the paternity tests and they'd damned well better be quiet for that process.  I watch soaps to escape from children and other obligations in my day to day life, not be surrounded by them and certainly not to have them bossing their badass little selves around as though they not only have a vote, but somehow slipped into running the show (yes, I'm talking to you, Michael Corinthos, you little red-headed demon spawn). 

Cold-hearted?  Baby, it's freezin over today.

So yes, I moved into "Wide World of Soaps" with an open mind, but it managed to offend me almost immediately with its smack on the head of Days of Our Lives.  Mind you, I have no interest in DOOL and have never seen an episode, much less making myself its self-appointed champion, but THAT was a low blow for ABC to start bashing on a respected, veteran show on another network. 

"Wide, Wide World of Soaps"  then went on to selectively choose my least favorite characters and show them in their worst possible light.  We had Brook Lyn and Tits sniping at each other in a volume and pitch rising to a point intolerable just before reaching the supersonic level that only dogs can hear, bringing us blessed relief, but causing canines across the country to fall to the ground, howling loudly and pawing at their bleeding ears.  We had Krystal Carey talking about short skirts and big hair and you'd better leave my beh-beh out of this.  We had Nikolas and Emily, long limbs intertwined like ivy vines to the point that it was impossible to know where one beautiful person ended and one began.  Antonio Vega sorrowfully attempted the Jason Morgan hard ass stare and slammed fire arms around.  Speaking of Jason Morgan, he couldn't even be bothered to show up (smart guy) and had to be addressed via stock footage.  It didn't take long before we were forced to watch reruns of these horrible little interstitials, as if the first times were not enough.  Did they only tape 8-9 of these things and call it a day?  There are nearly 100 characters to choose from between the three soaps!  Surely they can manage to choose at least a couple of characters that don't make my spine feel like I'm getting acupuncture performed with rusty razor blades.

ABC has gone through some real stinkers in the publicity department and we've weathered through them.  Shop the Soaps (You TOO can buy totally worthless crap at amazingly inflated prices!!), Sexiest Man in the... was it US?  In America?  Somewhere.  Can anyone name him?  Didn't think so.  Daytime Dilemma ("Sonny is angry, will he:  Call a therapist?  Go for a run?  Break glassware?  TEST YOUR DAYTIME SAVVY!!  )   Suddenly, they're working to SELL the soaps to us.  Huh?  How about if instead of investing so much energy and money into bad marketing, they think about actually writing some good stories and begging back the good actors they've sent packing?  Aren't they letting the tail wag the dog here?

I want to know what pencil necked, upwardly mobile wannabe sits in an ABC boardroom think tank and pushes these crappy ideas, then waits, bright-eyed and expectant.   More frighteningly, what bearded, heavy-lidded, cigar chomping fat cat at ABC said, "Yeah, man, I'm hip, I'm hip!" and gave this idea legs? 

I'm not saying they're crackheads, but they're crackish.  Wide World of Soaps reminded me of all of the things that piss me off about ABC soaps.  Thanks a lot, guys.


Coming soon:  More ranting on individual soaps