It seems like every time I pick up a women’s magazine, there’s an article about how dogs are better than men. And more often than not, the article’s correct! We women have a lot to deal with in life and it’s true that dogs are more, shall we say, in tune to what a woman needs. For example, my guy doesn’t jump up and lick my face every time he sees me, even if I just went to take out the trash.  My guy doesn’t lay on the floor next to the couch and look up at me with loving eyes while I watch my video of that days General Hospital episode…heck, he’s not even in the room!  And my guy certainly doesn’t jump around the house in sheer excitement when I serve him that night’s gourmet meal. As a matter of fact, he always suggests we go out! (Note to self: look into cooking classes online.)   

My pup is better than my guy because he doesn’t leave his clothes thrown all over the floor where he takes them off (which with most guys is usually in front of the toilet!) My dog prefers the hairy, buff look. I have to admit, my guy has a gorgeous birthday suit but the hairy back factor is much cuter on my mutt. My pooch doesn’t leave his used dishes on his nightstand. His actually are on the kitchen floor pushed under the table or in a corner providing tongue-slopping mobility. And it would appear my puppy actually cleans his dishes. My guy? Come on, what do you think? I’m not even sure he knows where the kitchen sink is!!  The dog’s toenails? Not behind MY couch! (Note to self: seek therapy as to why I would ever stay with a guy who threw his toenails behind my couch!) And most importantly, my dog gives me gifts constantly. Okay, so it’s usually a steaming pile of poochie poops or a spit ridden rope bone but hey, it’s special to him! And yes, I do thank my significant other for not leaving me any form of poops any place but in the toilet (I won’t even go into the lack of flushing factor!) But come on, let’s face the facts here for a minute. If dogs really were better than men, wouldn’t God have shuffled the deck differently? Perhaps I’d be a white, fluffy French Poodle named Fifi with perfectly manicured nails instead of a stay at home mother living life on the wild side. (Note to self: look up wild side on internet and see if I am actually living it.)

Yes, my dog is cute, snuggly, affectionate, loving, supportive and many other things but there is an abundance of things my guy does that surpass the loving efforts of my dog. So, in defense of men (did I just write that?!), I think it’s important we give them the credit they deserve. (Insert long pause here while I try to figure out what credit is due!) 

Oh, okay, first of all there’s the obvious, but I really don’t think it’s appropriate to get into THAT right now. (Hi Dad!) So, I’ll move on… 

List of things my guy does better than my dog:

1. Assembly of furniture and electronics: A clear point for the guy! I know my pup would love to spend his afternoon putting together may wall unit, but it’s the paw thing. Poor dog, he can’t even scratch his own back let alone screw in a bolt. And what about the wall unit instructions? Even though most guys don’t actually read them, they could if they wanted to! Bonus points for the guys. A man that reads directions is a plus.
2. Romance: My dog can’t take me to the park for a quiet, romantic afternoon, read me love poems and feed me grapes while I sip white wine.  Okay, so my guy doesn’t do that either, but again, he could if he wanted to! (Note to self: buy guy grapes and love poem book and place inconspicuously under his golf bag.)
3. Landscaping: The yard. Men love a good yard. Especially one they’ve sweat over for hours and hours. I do not know one guy who doesn’t take pride in a good yard. Must be the resemblance to a golf course or something. I’m not quite sure. Mowing, trimming, watering. It’s a total guy thing. And when he’s finished, he’ll gladly pop open a beer, sit on the deck (which if you’re really lucky like me, he built to your specifications) and admire his accomplishment. All day long. This, dependent upon your kid factor, can be great for those who want to sneak out for a one day sale at the mall. My poor pooch on the other hand, lacks creativity in the landscaping department. Really, all he can do is fertilize a few spots. Unfortunately, when he’s done that he has to kick up the sod or pine straw my guy just put down to cover his “plant”. And let me tell you, this doesn’t reach high on the happiness scale for my significant other!
4. Grilling: If I am able to get my guy off of the lounge chair once the yard is complete, he can BBQ a mean chicken (nice ones too but that’s kind of cruel, don’t you think?) Yum. He can marinade chicken like no other. My dog simply can’t. As a matter of fact, given the chance to be close to the chicken, my pup would scarf it down without a second thought about my needs. Aside from his bit of drool mysteriously appearing on the marinade plate while my guy gets another beer, his efforts are in vain. And the drool, well that’s just plain gross. I am talking about the dog drool here, not my honey’s!
5. Car Cleaning: There is no better way to prove a man loves a woman than to wash her car. Inside and out. And let’s face it, men have this in the bag. Seems this is my guy’s favorite way to show his love. If you have a husband, boyfriend, good guy friend you’re extremely attracted to but haven’t told him yet and he washes your tires with tire cleaner, you’re in like Flynn! Tires and guys have this strange connection, almost sexual and if yours are polished clean I suggest you strap that ball and chain around your guy and keep him forever because he’s hooked! I don’t mind the car washing, saves me $30. Though I have to admit, sometimes a nice, small, expensive piece of jewelry would do the trick… but we take what we can. I have never seen cleaner tire rims on any of my single friend’s cars. My dog? Well let’s just say he’d rather stick his head out the window of my car then clean it.

There are a lot of other things my guy can do that my dog, God love him, just can’t…light a fire, program the VCR (how else do you think I get General Hospital taped everyday?), scrape the ice off of my car windows in below zero temperatures, fill my gas tank (and pay for it too!). So I guess, all that being said, it’s an even trade. Sure, I may get more emotional affection from my dog from time to time but men simply show their love in different ways. They do “man things”. And we need to accept the facts and learn to understand them. (Note to self: reread “Men are from Mars book.)  Of course, it wouldn’t hurt if they took a few lessons from our puppies every now and then. If they learned something, maybe we’d stop hearing “you love your dog more than you love me”.