Okay, I’m a red-blooded, African-American female, and I’ve been watching the soaps for a LONG time now, so I feel I am pretty justified when I say that I am pretty much an expert on all things soap--especially the ABC soaps, and of them, mainly General Hospital.  So for all my know how, patience, and ability to assess and anticipate certain tried and true soap plots, I cannot for the life of me imagine why they are taking the men of my favorite shows and ruining them!  And if there is anyone in the whole of the United States who has an answer--please, puh-leeze, email me back and let me know.  I used to have a column on EOS, called “Leigh’s Ledger,” but since I became a college student at Pepperdine, I haven’t had the same amount of time to write--well this is the last straw, and I have come out of “retirement,” if you will, to vent about the men of daytime that have been ruined by pathetic storylines that are not worth our time of day.  But before I do that, let me give you a list of those guys who get honorable mention on the “Workin’ My Nerves” List: 

Leo DuPres {AMC}  Look an inch past your nose and see that you’re about to lose your girlfriend and your mama ain’t gonna keep you warm at night. 

Al Buchanan {OLTL}  Somebody please get that boy a hot to trot physical therapist to get up close and personal with. 

Sam Rappaport {OLTL} If your wife is spending more time with a hottie like Troy, than she is with your son, somethin’s wrong! 

Jake Martin {AMC} Stop being such a martyr, before someone shoots you again! If you want Greenlee, go get her.

Zander Smith {GH} You’ve got a major Jones for the boss’s wife.  Two words: “Boss’s W-I-F-E”  You better take that 5 million and roll. 

Let’s begin with one of, if not the biggest piece of eye candy to hit the tube since Playgirl (and he’s been on the cover!)  

Ingo Rademacher’s “Jasper ‘Jax’ Jacks”

            When my favorite corporate honey first hit the Port Charles scene, he had to beat the women off with a stick--literally.  Brenda Barrett and Lois Ashton were among the first dark-haired beauties to catch his eye, but unlike most men who would run over each other to get to these women, Jax just sat back, and let them come to him.  The whole war between Jax and his equally handsome nemesis, Sonny Corinthos will go down in the history of the show.  Jax is known for being ruthless, he practically stole ELQ out from under Edward time and time again.  He swindled his way onto the board, and can with one phone call, ruin almost anyone who gets in his way.  Most recently, the Jax of today took a page from his old book and shut down Sonny’s warehouse, albeit temporarily, just so he could be Skye’s white knight.  So where is my complaint?  I just typed it, and her name has four letters--S--K--Y--E.  Say it with me now, so no one is confused, “I Like the idea of Jax and Skye together, as long as she is willing to play it straight.”  Now anyone who knows me, knows I am the biggest Jax and Brenda fan, but I am more than willing to make an exception in this case.  Jax cannot be devoted to Brenda for the rest of his life and remain celibate.  But this does not mean, oh writers of GH, that you have to cut off all the blood flow to his brain, in favor of his groin!  JAX USED TO BE AN INTELLIGENT MAN!  But today, I had to turn off my tv, and write this column instead.

            Jax is letting Skye play him for a complete and total fool.  He does not really care so much about what Sonny is doing to her, as much as it gives him a reasonable excuse for going after Sonny.  It is what it has always and will always be about between these two men--Brenda.  Sonny calls it right, every time he sees Jax, “you couldn’t save Brenda, so you’re going to keep on trying.”  Jax would be going after Sonny no matter what--Skye just gives him a very colorful out. That’s what I used to think, anyway--but today, my jaw hit the floor as I watched Jax blatantly offer Zander a bribe to bring down Sonny.  There are so many things wrong with this scenario.  First of all, why would Jax use Carly’s office to make him the offer?  Why would Zander TAKE the offer?  You can’t bribe Sonny Corinthos’ mailman with $5 million dollars, and you certainly are not going to be able to bribe his right hand man.  My immediate thought was, “Wait a second--Jax knows that Zander is going to tell Sonny--he’s at least got to anticipate that Zander MIGHT tell Sonny--so why did he do it?  And of course, as soon as he left, Carly barged in, but Zander made it clear, he was going to tell Sonny about all of it.  Jax’s plan up in smoke before he can even make it to the parking lot.  Unless of course, it’s all part of the “big plan.”  Well, I highly doubt that.  Even Ned is aware of Skye playing Jax like a fiddle, and threatened to end her scheme if she didn’t make Edward CEO.  Hello, this is Skye we’re talking about--ELQ is all she has left.  Of course she’s not going to just hand it back over to Edward, no matter what.  But it looks like Ned has something more up his sleeve, so for now, I’ll let him off the hook.

            It is really starting to get on my nerves, that Jax cannot or is choosing not to see Skye for the manipulator that she is, and it is also getting on my nerves that he is making a lot of stupid and public moves.  When he tried to take over ELQ before, no one knew he was working with Tracey until it came down to the very last vote.  But now, the little girl at the hotdog stand on the docks will probably reveal all to Sonny for a dollar.  Open up your eyes, Jax, PLEASE, before it’s too late.   

Moving on to another ruined man...

Cameron Mathison’s “Ryan Lavery”

            Again, need I say more than Kendall’s loving nickname, “sixpack”??  There is no reason at all for this man to be walking around in the same tired outfit, with the same tired jacket, for the past three months.  As Hayley asked the other day, “didn’t he used to have a yacht?” Now he’s living it up in the Pine Cone motel.  I have to say, no one has done a better job of playing a man just completely ruined by losing the love of his life.  Hey, whether you loved them together, or hated them together, Ryan was absolutely devastated by Gillian’s death, (a pointless plot twist in and of itself) and this event snowballed into the avalanche that is now Ryan Lavery’s life.  He is so filled with anger that he slept with Liza, got her pregnant, and then lost his baby practically within the same month.  Then he slept with her sister, Mia and threw her away without a backward’s glance, and is about two seconds away from doing the horizontal mambo with Kendall.  Once upon a time, Ryan Lavery had the best manners in Pine Valley, and because of his “Princess,” he knew how to treat a woman.  That’s not the case anymore.  He is never without a piece of pizza or beer more than three feet away from his hand, and he’s got a piece of machinery between his legs that could do a lot of damage. (Get your minds out of the gutters, people, I’m talking about the motorcycle. )

            I ask you, would it not have made more sense for Ryan to be bent on revenge for Adam Chandler, and get him back at his own game?  Ryan let his company, Incredible Dreams.com, go down the drain, when it was the last thing that could have kept him afloat.  He would be a thousand times more entertaining, in a suit and tie, and with a SHAVE, ladies and gentlemen.  Ryan wielding all that corporate power could have done wonders to make this Proteus snore of a storyline, more interesting.  Instead, we’ve got Ryan yelling at Chris every five minutes about the same thing, and walking around all of Pine Valley with a doll in his hands.  Granted the disk could help save Mateo, but couldn’t Ryan play a bigger more important role than gopher?  If Gillian were in his life, if Brenda were in Jax’s life, both these men would have romantic storylines worth their weight in gold, and that’s just the way we like to see them.  They both look so much better with a glass of champagne in their hands, rather than a bottle of beer. 

            To make up for my profound lack of satisfaction with these men and their storylines, I’ll leave you with honorable mention of some good men in daytime who in the past few weeks, have earned about a 1,000 brownie points for men everywhere: 

Christian Vega (OLTL): He almost made my other list, but to see him plant one on Natalie, his ex-love’s nemesis and “sister,” put him back in my good graces.  He’s a Latin hottie, and they can never go too wrong, for too long. 

Rafe the Angel (PC): For those of you who do not get Soap Net or Port Charles, you missed a roll in the hay that was classic soap style.  Not many of us ever have a fantasy of doing the hokey-pokey with an Angel, but Rafe certainly makes me reconsider.  Their love scenes were just beautiful. 

Troy MacIver (OLTL):  I never get tired of looking at this man’s chiseled good looks, and it is so much fun to see him weave this web of deceit all around Lindsay.  The scenes when he confronted her are SO explosive! (The line of the week goes to him too, when he tells Lindsay to “be the loving and sweet mother we both know you’re not!”) 

Chris Stamp (AMC):  Even though he’s workin’ my nerves with this Ryan Lavery storyline, you gotta love a man who is over 40, and can be a lawyer, an FBI agent and a janitor all at the same time. Plus he is still workin’ it with La Lucci, and he’s got the daytime diva herself coming to him! 

Nikolas Cassadine (GH):  Nikolas earned at least 500 of those brownie points all by himself last week, protecting Gia from her part in the car accident.  This is no time to be a DMV advocate, it’s a soap, drama’s allowed, and just the thought of Nikolas Cassadine playing with the big boys and going up against Sonny Corinthos--’nuff said!