November 1, 2005


Some people just know the way to push a personís buttons.  A simple statement can turn you into a tailspin without them even trying.  Today I was told I need to move out of my parentsí house in order to ďgrow upĒ.  Apparently this individual is under the belief you are not a grown up unless you live on your own.  For reasons, which I probably know and will get to this really, bothered me.  I have always considered myself a very mature and grown up person.  I have worked since I was old enough to hold a job.  Granted I am a spoiled little Daddyís girl, no doubt and I love it and freely admit it, but as soon as I was able to help support me, I did.  I worked for everything I have and have always been rewarded for working.  Now at 30, living at home I am still spoiled but now I get to spoil my parents right back.  We are a close-knit unit and we always think of one another first and foremost.  They are the two most important people in my life and I see no reason to leave my little nest.  We all have our own space and own lives and honestly I think they still like having me there.  If they donít Ė well they havenít told me yet!


I live in NY, which everyone knows is extremely expensive.  I cannot justify stepping out there on my own to rent a too small apartment that costs way too much when the reality is, I donít have to.  I donít see why I have to struggle in ordered to be portrayed as a grown up.  There are enough things in life that are and will be a struggle why should I take on more than I need to?


Iíve never been one to move in with the first boyfriend I had, mostly because I still hold onto some old fashioned values and believe I will only move once.  I donít want to do as some of my friends have and bounce from place to place with one new man (or friend) after another just because I have nowhere else to go.


When I do get my own place I want to be able to buy something that will be a future investment and not just shell out money month to month for something that will never be mine.  It is a waste of money and I know this because I am the Queen of wasting money. 


Yeah I still have to learn some serious financial and budgeting skills and yes I do still have some growing up to do because I believe it takes your whole life to grow and learn and is just an ongoing process, but I donít need an insignificant person in my life passing judgments on me.


I suppose what really sparked it is lately I keep meeting people who question me about the way I live my life and the decisions I make.  In some ways the last 30 years have been hard and long and in others the years have passed too quickly.  I often find myself fluctuating between a great desire to move forward and be a wife and mother and at the same time wishing I could still be 18.


I have made some really bad choices, some really good choices and some just in between.  Each choice defines me and I can only hope that I learn from each choice whether they are good or bad.  Still, I am finding myself struggling to find exactly what my place is in this world.  What will I contribute? 


One of the worst decisions I ever made was not going to college and this is something I know I need to rectify.   

For anyone out there who has ever felt lost of confused or had someone judge you, just know it happens to all of us.  We all have days like that and we all face out inner demons on a daily basis.  We are hard enough on ourselves we donít need to succumb to the opinions of others.  Trust your instincts, they generally will guide you to the right path.  

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