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October 12, 2004
Hey there party people! I just want you to know how truly guilty I feel about not writing a column in eighty-four thousand years. Mea culpa and all that schmooey. But I’m ba-a-a-ck and with my own spot too!! I still think I really caught Katrina on a faboo day for her to pony up some regular space, now I just need to figure out what the hell I’m gonna do with it. For sure I plan on paying homage to General Hospital, past and present – plus I’ll probably throw in a little suggestion box for the writers and maybe even address the burning questions on everyone’s lips like: who replaces all the crystal glasses that Sonny smashes and what ever happened to Penny the waitress? Read on babycakes!
Pardon My Schizophrenia: “Easy Mabel, you’re as jumpy as a cat on stilts” – what the hell is that supposed to mean?? Hey Luke - did a little vacay in the loony bin affect your ability to ad lib? Steven’s allowed to discuss Emily’s health with Elizabeth? Oh, and Kristina’s diagnosis with Ric. I guess it makes sense, I mean no one else seems to give a rat’s ass about patient confidentiality. Then again, Nik about snuffed out psycho Granny in full view of the D.A. and half the PCPD and no one batted an eyelash. It’s a parallel universe these folks are a livin’ in. Hey ~ on his two-week/3 month paternity-leave-vacation maybe Sonny can get some “rest and relaxation a`la Jackie Zeman. Clearly Sonny needs some botox and a trip to the Hair club for men – maybe Tyler Christopher can bring him in as a referral and get a discount or something. I checked it out – it does take 20 minutes to bake gingersnaps. Jason and Sam are yummy. I’m liking them together, especially the way they really have become both sensitive and protective of each other. Happy Dance for Jason fibbing to the uptight old lady about them being legally wed! Plus the way little Miss Thang tore into Sonny yesterday was priceless. She let him know that if anything happened to Jason or Carly and his family(ies) – it was his fault! You go girl! Thank God for bat guano – Dillon’s hair!!! Oh My God… I know I shouldn’t judge a character’s humpability and believability by their hair, but DA-AMN – with hair that could put an eye out he was charmingly geeky and strangely hot. As a slicked back Bogey-Boy, ick. Please, please, did we not suffer enough when Coleman decided to go au naturel? Skye’s raggedy Ann look – I have a feeling it’s going to give Deputy Dayna the dry heaves. Diego’s such a horn dog it’s not even remotely amusing. And who died and made him Mr. Blackwell? Giving fashion advice to Courtney and then Brook Lynn? I’m thinking he’s definitely got the Madonna/ Whore thing going. And was it my imagination, or did Lois check out the child’s ass as he walked out the door?? Why is it I never see that hair on my chin until it’s 2 freakin’ inches long?? Does it grow inside and then pop out when it reaches full maturity or what. One of life’s unanswered questions. What is the name of Courtney’s “Foundation”? The realness of it ranks right up there with Sonny’s “coffee bid’ness”. I think we should include it in that realm where we all suspend reality and pretend that Emily really is a med student, Carly still owns a club and that we might one day again see Steve Burton’s nips. Jax was totally sweet today – I know people are complaining that Malibu Ken and Barbie haven’t knocked boots yet, as if this was real life, but let’s not forget what happens when soap couples do get laid. They either get broken up, lose their memory or die in a fire. Enjoy the sexual tension because once they do the deed, the clock’ll be ticking. I think I know where TIIC stashed Robin Richards… In the Q Attic!!! Why pay an extra to just sit there? Serves that girly-girl right, who did she think she was going off to audition for another sudser, one that might actually use her?! I like NuNuNuLucas, especially with Brook Lynn. He fights like a girl though. Why did kamikaze pilots wear helmets? Things I miss: the Nurse’s Ball, Reginald, Jerry Jax (melts in your mouth, not in your hand!) and Luke with teeth. New guilty pleasure: Desperate Housewives – Jackie Collins meets Twin Peaks – thank God it’s not on opposite Seth Cohen! Classic chick empowerment move: Last week’s eppy of Las Vegas when Sam (Vanessa Marcil) hooked up with the “perfect one night stand” - when asked if she wanted to cuddle afterwards, she replied by grabbing her own crotch, telling him not to “ruin the moment” and walking away. And that kiddies – is Kelly’s Diner. Ya’ll come back now, y’here?
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