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I love Vegas – the excitement, the crowds, the colors. Everything is just MORE in Vegas. Over the top in every way. Ultra glam, ultra tacky and just plain sparkly. I don’t know what that says about me personally, the fact that I just dig it so much. I love the slots, video poker and blackjack. I like to gamble, but I hate to lose. I don’t have a “system” - I choose horses based on their color or in the case of Smarty Jones, their name. A friend of mine swears he picks winners at the dog track based on who does his b’ness right before the race, not exactly scientific, but I say whatever floats your boat. You can bet on practically anything in Vegas too, you don’t have to limit yourself to the regulation casino games. Horseracing, dog racing, professional sports of all kinds from basketball and boxing to how many strokes Tiger will win by in the Masters – anything you want baby. Vegas is hot. But as I said earlier, I hate to lose. I want a sure thing. And I think I’ve worked out an unbeatable system… betting on the soaps. I’ll let you in on a few of my odds-on favorites: Odds of having an unplanned pregnancy with a drunken one-night stand: 3:1 Odds that said one-night stand is the vengeful half brother of your husband: 2:1 Odds of the DNA results being tampered with: 5:4 Odds that the unplanned pregnancy will make it to full term: 4:2 Odds that you will fall down a flight of stairs and miscarry (on GH): 4:3 Odds that you will accidentally shoot your wife as she is delivering your child: 10:1 {If you’re name is Sonny, odds jump to 2 in 3} Odds that your right hand man will assume your responsibilities and marry your mistress and/or raise your illegitimate child: 4:3 Odds that a long lost child will eventually track you down: 3:1 Odds that the aforementioned child will try to sleep with your husband: 2:1 Odds of accidentally murdering someone: 3:1 Odds of waking up with someone “dead in the bed”: 3:2 Odds of being falsely accused of murdering someone: 5:3 Odds of that murdered person actually being alive: 5:4 Odds of faking your own death: 3:2 Odds of coming back from the dead: 5:3 Twice: 4:1 Odds of “contracting” any form of amnesia, either temporary or permanent: 7:3 Odds of being brainwashed: 10:1 (odds change if your last name happens to be Spencer) Odds of being held against your will by an archenemy: 5:3 For more than 5 years: 6:1 For more than 20 years: 12:1 Odds of finding true love: 4:3 Twice: 3:2 Odds of having a wedding interrupted: 6:5 By a former spouse: 4:3 By a current spouse: 5:3 By a psycho with a bomb: 10:1 Odds of having a job: 5:4 Odds of having a job with a six-figure salary: 4:3 Odds of actually having an education worthy of getting you a job with a six-figure salary: 100:1 Odds of having your own private jet: 20:1 Odds of having your own private island: 50:1 Odds of becoming addicted to either drugs or alcohol: 12:1 Odds of beating the addiction: 8:1 Odds of counseling other addicts after getting the monkey off your back: 15:1 Odds of living happily ever after on a soap: Long shot – I told you I like sure things…. ;-)
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