By Evie

My fellow soap fans: 

We each have different reasons for loving a soap and for loving its characters.  Bu how many of us can live up to the fantasticness that is a female soap character?  I have recently come to the realization that I have been doing it all wrong.  This grown up thing could be WAY easier if I had only started trying to be more like the women of General Hospital long ago.
So, I have decided to start anew.  I have come to the conclusion that it is never too late for me to change my ways.  And you know what?  It is not too late for you either!  I present to you now, my plan on how we can all be more like the women on GH.

If We are Carly: 

OK, we know that Carly is not perfect, but that’s why we love her.  Or maybe we love her because she’s got really cool hair now… Or maybe we love her because she eats junk food like we do, anyway, Carly teaches us that we must be very, very thin.  No figure at all.  If you have a small chest, make sure to tilt it up so you look sexy and your rib cage comes across as part of your bustline.  Remember: stick figure = sex appeal! 

Now, Carly also teaches us that we must have a medical crisis or some sort of accident weekly.   Even though our mother works at the hospital, we must make sure we have no scenes with her at all.  And we must always be saved by men that are obsessed with us.  If man is not obsessed with us presently, put man off until man cannot stand it.  If man still doesn’t pick up on obsession, have oldest red headed child threaten him. 

What’s that you say?  You had an asthma attack and it took you two days to recover?  Well you’re WEAK!  Carly can be pinned under a roof and have a punctured lung and be operated on with no painkillers in the snow backwards by the son of MacGyver, and still spend Christmas with her hottie ex!  You needed a medrol dose pack and three nebulizer treatments after one asthma attack?  You WUSS!  Suck it up and get your make up on, girl! 

When your oldest child is done threatening your latest guy, you must send him and your younger child off to the park with Leticia.  Never mind that you never spend any actual time with your children.  That’s what nannies are for!  Also, do not worry that Leticia probably hates you and calls you names behind your back, like “stupid skinny b-,” well, you know.  Leticia is perfectly happy having one day off a year.  And no, she is not resentful that she never sees her boyfriend who is off on a cruise morning his former boss.  Not resentful at all.

If We are Alexis: 

We must utter the name of our daughter in every sentence we speak.  She’s adorable, so that’s OK.  We must also be obsessive compulsive neurotic about every freakin thing in the state of New York.  Remember also to always blame others.  So what if you once had a reputation of being smart and sharp – you’re a woman living in PC!  That means you are stupid and selfish and nothing is ever your fault. 

We must give our daughter nightmares by neurotically clinging to her, and then we must blame everyone else when something is wrong with her.  Luckily, she is well behaved (we don’t know where she got that from, but we won’t knock it).  We must also make sure our daughter hears us putting her father down regularly, and that she hears us freaking out consistently.  This will give her a backbone that the writers will take away from her as soon as she’s old enough to do something irredeemable, or when she gets SORAS’D in a year and a half to age 21, at which time she will try to steal your husband after she runs over your neighbor’s guinea pig with a car she stole in Canada. 

Also, if you do something that leads you to the death of an annoying loud mouthed sprite that claims to be your sister, you must blame everyone but yourself.  You must push to the back of your subconscious the fact that you were willing to destroy her life by letting her think that her boyfriend had fathered your baby.  It does not matter that you were willing to hurt her and do irreparable damage to your relationship, not to mention have her hate you just because you didn’t want to tell the real father the truth.  It also does not matter that someone else blew up the warehouse that she was in when she was trying to tell the real father your truth.  It is still the real father’s fault that she died.  It is also the fault of everyone in town but you 

Also, when her boyfriend later makes sacrifice after sacrifice to help you and your baby, it is OK to cut him out of her life completely at your whim!  After all, who the hell does he think he is, her father?  And speaking of her real father, it is perfectly acceptable that you wanted to protect your daughter by lying to him for three years, because you think his lifestyle will hurt her.  After all, think of how saintly and safe your nephew and your husband are!  And no need to worry about your other relatives, because they’re all dead! And let’s blame our daughter’s father for that too.

If We are Courtney: 

Courtney shows us that in order to embrace our grownuptitude, we must always, always, walk into our faboo loft apartment with one single brown bag of groceries.  You see, as independent women, we cook for ourselves, so let’s remind the audience that we are independent!  Remember:  If you’ve come from the hospital, if you’ve come from your mob boss brother’s apartment, if you’ve come from a graveyard, or if you’ve come from telling off a hottie, you must still get your groceries and your brown bag prepared before entering your apartment.   

It always helps too if someone is waiting for you outside your apartment.  That way, you can sigh meaningfully as you toss your hair and place your brown bag on the counter.  Also, you do not actually have to cook the food in the bag.  But, when you do cook, you must always, always, burn dinner when sexy man/men are in your apartment.  And remember to drop the burned dinner; this will make it more dramatic.  It is all about the drama.  Oh, big sigh hair toss!  Sigh, sigh, eyeroll hair toss!  I burned dinner!  And it’s all because Sam kicked an acorn in the park.  Didn’t she realize what that would do to me? 

Above all, Courtney shows us that all we need to do to be considered an expert on babies, teenagers, dogs, and goldfish by the town we live in, is to look down our noses at everyone that has anything to do with a child.  This attitude, plus our money, makes us the town expert.  No party can do anything with their child unless we know about it and have had time to go across town and lecture or berate them thoroughly. 

But if you are watching a child, make sure that you ditch him or her to go have sex with your current sparring partner/flavor of the month/love interest.  If you do not actually have sex, you still have to be caught in a compromising situation.  And always remember to have your man cue the porn music before getting caught, especially if “child” catching you can also be a hottie. 

Also, you can have a dog if you like, but after trotting her out for a few episodes, you must pawn her off on neighbor lady, and then inexplicably lose her completely, because remember, no living thing is as important as whether Jax or Jason thinks you look hot in a tank top.   Finally, remember: do not listen to anything anybody tells you.  It does not matter what you do, because it is always someone else’s fault!

If We are Emily: 

It is vitally important that as Emily we have a different hairstyle and outfit in every scene. The essence to being Emily is to remember that it is all about you.  Therefore, you must be in every scene, connected to every storyline, and you absolutely must cry in every episode!  In order to make everyone FF your scenes, you must make really disgusting kissy noises when you kiss your boyfriend/fiancé/husband, and you must kiss him 27,000 times per scene.   

Remember also that when other people have problems, it is still really all about you.  It doesn’t matter that your brother just lost a child, because you have to kiss your fiancé.  It doesn’t matter that your family has been coping with someone that tried to kill your grandfather, because you have to go yell at someone on behalf of your husband. 

Like your former sister-in-law Courtney, never listen to anyone anytime that they warn you about anything.   When it all blows up, just remember:  you’ll get another crying scene!  When someone tells you expressly not to do something, do it anyway.  If you are told something you do might hurt someone else, you must ignore themIn fact, you cannot hear them.  Because it is all about you.  And yes, everything is your fault – but don’t worry, there are so many people involved in protecting you, you will never take the blame for anything! 

Also, when your husband gets shot, please do not call his brother and tell him.  He does not matter, and neither does it matter that nobody ever tells him anything.  Remember:  it is all about you and being aware of the feelings of others does not involve you.  Calling others and being thoughtful takes away from the you time so essential to being Emily.  And remember, cry, cry, cry! This will ensure that your family and friends will comfort you.  After all, it’s the only screen time they get! 

If We are Monica, Bobbie, or Felicia: 

It is strongly recommended that you leave town or else you will disappear entirely!  Perhaps there are vacancies in Pennsylvania (try Llanview or Pine Valley).  Try to stay involved with Emily’s life so that you get screen time.  Unfortunately, and I know it’s hard, but you do have to restrain yourself from taping her mouth shut and/or smacking her.  It would defeat the purpose because it would only lead to another Scene Where Emily Cries and You Just Stand There. 

Also, despite the fact that you all have at least one child that’s almost always if not permanently off screen, you must never mention them.  But you probably won’t get a chance, because you don’t have all that much dialogue.  Milk it, and try to be in the room when Emily gets a paper cut, Carly loses a foot, or Georgie rebels – again.  Otherwise, people may forget who you are… wait, who am I talking to again?


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