I’m all hopped up on coffee, so I’m just gonna go ahead and jump around, OK? I have a whole jar of Folgers instant so there’s plenty to go around. You could bring some chocolate though, I’m not going to fight you on it. Come with me.
OK, GH. Let’s get over ourselves. We are not The Sopranos. We are not even Married to the Mob. We are a SOAP OPERA. When the miracle known as Tivo allowed me to catch up on all of last week’s episodes, my first reaction was that there was something wrong with me. Why?
Because I flinched at all the implied graphic violence when the mob boss with a heart of gold (or is it?) ordered a hit on all those people and then we had to watch them being rubbed out not once, but twice, because GH thinks we’re stupid and will forget how an episode ends. Then I said to myself, “Self? Um, hi? A little violence is one thing, but this is too much!”
Then again, I have an excessively low tolerance for violence in film and television. You can thank Mr. Quentin Tarantino for that. My idea of a good movie is a 1960’s musical with any member of the Rat Pack, or a 1930’s comedy/drama where Myrna Loy or Katharine Hepburn trade snappy repartee with your William Powells or your Jimmy Stewarts. As far as violence on television, I can’t even watch Law and Order: Any of Them anymore. Too violent and nightmare inducing. Besides, I miss my Jerry Orbach!
WOOOOOOOOO the best part of wakin’ up is Folgers in your cup, especially when it’s instant and you use two teaspoons with lots of milk and sugah…I think GH is launching a campaign to get me to stop watching. I have to tell you, if it weren’t for The Jason, I would stop watching. OK, The Jason and My Alkie. OK, OK, The Jason, My Alkie, and Luke. OK, OK, OK….
Speaking of glimpses of hot men and my own confusion, I wrote a nursery rhyme! It’s for those of us that couldn’t find our roadmaps to the “Jason Saves Emily Saving Sam Saving Mike" scenes. Print it out and use it to help teach your kids to read:
This is the door that Mike (who looks good in jeans) locked.
These are the bad men who attack in front of the door that Mike (who looks good in jeans) locked.
This is the spitfire that attacked the bad men who attacked in front of the door that Mike (who looks good in jeans) locked.
This is the saint with issues saving the spitfire that attacked the bad men who attacked in front of the door that Mike (who looks good in jeans) locked.
This is The Jason saving the saint with issues that saved the spitfire that attacked the bad men who attacked in front of the door that Mike (who looks good in jeans) locked.
WHHhhhhhaaaaat the HELL was that about? I finally get to see Mike, or as I like to call him Mike! Mike! Mike! and he’s getting the crap beat out of him? And then instead of letting Sam save the day, or even The Jason after the fact, it has to freakin be Emily??? Um…yeah. Betcha anything Pruza played the bad guys. OK, I know it’s mean, but they’re pushing me, man, they’re pushing me!!
Then Courtney, who couldn’t be bothered to get out of bed with Jax when her Dad was brought into the hospital, waits until the next day to go see him, and brings (how tacky) flowers? And the first thing she does is follow Rachel outside, barely says hi to the man. Did you notice how quiet the show is when Courtney's not on? You can almost hear the sighs of relief across the nation! Let's encourage her to take more days off.
Hey, how about how she’s all concerned now for Rachel? You’re thinking, well, Geeez, Evie, Rachel did get shot, but remember, we’re talking about Princess of the Selfish, Courtney. I used to have her as Queen of the Selfish but “Poor, pathetic Emily” has dethroned her. Emily left out some adjectives, didn’t she there? You can fill them in.
How many times have we heard, “Dr. Rachel Adair” since the shootout? I didn’t even know they gave her a last name, but I’ve fast-forwarded the scenes she’s had with Courtney in them. Gee it’s really great that they got rid of an actually cool bad girl so they could force Dr. Rachel Adair down our throats, isn’t it?
Actually, I like the actress, and the character has some potential. But don’t expect me to watch her as long as she is in scenes with Courtney, Jax, and Steven. It is to laugh! I would really like for someone to go to Rachel, like, I don’t know, Monica - and say, “Adair? Are you any relation to Deborah Adair? I loved her on Finder of Lost Loves. Do you think I could meet Tony Franciosa?”
OK, I won’t talk about people who annoy me anymore, like Courtney or Emily. I won’t talk about them. I’ll talk about Alexis, though. She is working my nerves, you guys. I like the actress, and that is the only reason I even watch Alexis’ scenes. To be all Sonny-ish, I can say, I have no use for Alexis.
I haven’t really, really liked Alexis since she lived where The Jason lives now, before she even slept with Sonny, when they were just bantering. You want to talk about someone who worked my nerves and who never shut up, man I could not stand her sister. I only liked her for five seconds, my GOD she never SHUT UP. Remember? Can you still hear her mouth?
But anyway, as much as I didn’t like Kristina Cassidine or whatever her name was, I hated that Alexis was willing to trash her sister’s life just so that Sonny wouldn’t know the child Alexis was carrying was his. That was just wrong. I can understand her not wanting Sonny in her child’s life, but the fact that she was willing to tear her sister’s heart out by letting her think that Ned was the father – that was abominable. Talk about character assassination.
And then Alexis the Perfect goes and does the same damn thing to Ned. I’m not the greatest fan of Ned’s, though thanks to One Day With…I no longer Wally Kurth’s scenes (it was nothing personal before), but the way that Alexis just suddenly said, “Um, so, like, OK, you’re not Kristina’s father, so, um, bye. ‘K? Don’t let the door hit you in the a** on the way out.” That was cold. That was harsh.
And not ONLY all of that, but she is so ridiculously anal about Kristina. Geez. I don’t know how people aren’t smacking her. You’re saying, yeah, Evie, but her daughter was kidnapped. Yeah, by a psycho that wanted to get even with her and Ric, not just Sonny. Plus, it’s not like Alexis is perfect herself. They just let her do any old thing, even kill the original “My Alkie” and as long as it’s in the name of Kristina.. She spends more time fighting in the name of Kristina than she does actually with Kristina. Viola should quit, or ask for a raise, or start a support group with Leticia.
I’m really liking Kristina with Sonny. I’m glad they’re trying to get those twins that play her to talk, like saying, “Can you say heaven?” There you go, prompt them! I hope Sonny doesn’t lose visitation with Kristina, partially because I think Alexis is wrong, and partially because I would like to keep seeing Sonny-as-Father scenes.
Not that Sonny is the perfect father of course. I have to tell you after what I saw this past week, the jury is still out on whether or not I even like him, let alone “understand” him. The thing about this character is that he’s supposed to be dark, brooding, and sexy. Well he can be sexy all he wants but he ain’t too likable at the moment. And I am so glad The Jason finally reminded Sonny that Michael was his son too (and first!).
Do you think anything will come of the fact that Alan was really behind the wheel of the car that hit Alexis and Ric while they were parked, apparently because they forgot that they owned a living space with a bedroom door that closed and locked? Do you think that this “Tracy Blackmails Alan” thing will go the way of “Sonny Has a Hot New Lawyer?”
I would also like to know why Georgie and Dillon always save people from car accidents, but then again, maybe I don't really want to know that. They saved Skye, now Ric and Alexis, I guess they’re going to save Emily next (yawn). And I didn't know that Port Charles, New York, had a secret passageway to Milwaukee's Inspiration Point. What would they do if they ran in to Chachi’s cousin Flip up there? Oh, wait, he’s off in Georgia with that kid the McDonald’s commercial.
I can’t watch the AJ/Michael scenes. I can’t see AJ break Michael’s heart. I LOVE AJ, but it’s embarrassing to watch him be that cruel, and it’s horrible to watch Michael buy it. I watched until he made sure Michael heard that Sonny “didn’t” want him, then I apologized to Billy Warlock and hit the FF button. By the way, Happy Birthday shout outs to Billy Warlock, who shares a birthday with Evie. We Aries people love our birthdays!
What are our thoughts on Brook and Diego? I know that a lot of people just want to get rid of Diego’s storyline, but I’m for it as long as he has potential. Once again, while the character lacks compelling, well, anything, I like the actor and therefore watch all his scenes. And I really like Adrianne Leon. I thought she was trying to be funny when she called Dillon “Uncle Dillon” and referred to Tracy as “Granny,” but then I remembered that’s what they are to her! The only problem with Brook and Diego is that for some reason the writers are allowing, nay, encouraging, Bridget to be in their scenes. Hello, um, why is she still here???
Does anyone have any Oreos?
Well, the day job beckons, so the time has come for me to end this musing. OK, I have time for one more: I saw one of my all time favorite movies the other day, Mr. Mom. If you haven’t seen it, Netflix it. My favorite part is where yummy Michael Keaton, as Mr. Mom himself, is ironing and chatting on the phone with one of his women friends about The Young and Restless:
“…Nikki’s pregnant, we’re gonna find out who the father is... Victor? It can't be Victor, Victor had a vasectomy...It didn't take? Are you KIDDIN me?”
By the way, did anyone else feel nauseous when Lily said she was reading The Killing Club by Marcie Walsh? See, I think she’d enjoy The Joy Luck Club by Amy Tan much more. I never was a fan of OLTL, but I tried to watch. I did, I really, really did. But then Roger Howarth went to CBS, and Ty Treadway was gone, so I figured, why bother? David and Dorian, maybe they’re enough? I don’t know.
But I do respect OLTL because of three words: Sammy Davis, Jr. Any soap that hires my favorite human is OK by me. Do you know that he taped and sometimes scheduled his day around watching ABC soaps? And this was a man who filled up every hour of his day with work, so that’s saying a lot. He loved ALL of them, One Life to Live, All My Children, General Hospital.
As Linda Richman from Coffee Tawk would say, do you know what that's like? I'll tell you what it's like, it's like buttah. It’s exactly like buttah. .......wait - now I'm awl Fahrklempt! I just need a moment... tawk amongst yourselves... Here, I'll give you a topic: General Hospital is neither about a general, nor a hospital: Discuss...
OK, I'm bettah now...Wooo that coffee sure is kicking in, so I will officially end with this stupid question, cause it’s bugging me: why does Ryan call the hunky yet stupid and damaged and borderline evil-ish Jonathan (or perhaps Braden?) "Hockett" or "Hawkit" or "Hog kid" or whatever the hell he's saying? Can someone call Ryan and ask him what up?
Shoot, I’m out of coffee. Where are my Oreos???