It was late. It was Friday. It was cold and windy in Philadelphia. Hope and I were having a conversation on the computer, discussing topics like the weather, chocolate, llamas, and cars. The conversation, as it often does when we talk, turned to soaps. We then fell into a profound discussion: Who is more annoying Ė Courtney, or Emily?
Itís not that I donít like Courtney and Emily. Well, maybe it isÖ no, no, itís more that I LOVE to make fun of them! It makes me feel better when Iíve had a bad day. Itís fun. Hope and I just had a blast. Letís all try it now, shall we?
Port Charles, 2005. Courtney is standing alone on the docks, looking annoyed. It is 25 degrees in New York in January, but Courtney is sensibly dressed in high heeled sandals and a strapless dress. Donít worry, sheís got the token scarf on. Courtney looks at her watch, rolls her eyes, and SIGHS.
Emily runs from around the corner, panting, trembling, CRYING. Her make up is perfect nonetheless, and as she stops running, her hair falls around her as if sheís in a Pantene commercial.
Courtney: Emily! Are you all right? OhÖ wait [SIGHS], never mind, I donít really care. Iím [TOSSES HAIR] waiting for AJÖ I mean Jason [ROLLS EYES]Ö I mean Jax.
Emily: Courtney! [GASPS] Itís teeearable!! Youíve GOT to help me!
Courtney: [LOOKS ANNOYED] OK, Emily, just calm down, tell me whatís wrong.
Emily: Itís Connor!
Courtney: What about him?
Emily: Heís [GASPS] just as hot as my husband! [SOBS]
Emily: SO? Is that all you can say? Iím opening up to you, Courtney, Iím begging you, please... I need your help!
Courtney: Fine. [SIGHS] what do you want me to do?
Emily: What do you think? I want you to call Jason!
Courtney: Well how can Jason help you with this? Emily, if youíre falling for Connor then thatís youró
Emily: Courtney, donít you understand that the world must bow down to the love of Nikolas and I? How can you be so selfish?
Courtney: Me? Selfish? Me? Selfish? ME?
Emily: Yes you, Courtney! CourtneyÖplease. After all that Nikolas and I have been through, please, give us a second chance. Please Ė just give me your phone and let me call my big brother.
Courtney: NO. I am NOT going to let you call Jason. Jason is mine.
Emily: UmÖ hi? Heís my BROTHER. Ewww!
Courtney: I see right through you Emily, so just stop! This whole needy-sister thing is just an excuse for you to come between me and Jason, OK, and itís NOT going to work! Jason is mine.
Emily: But youíre sleeping with Jax!
Courtney: I donít see how that matters.
Emily: Ohmigod. I SO totally canít believe I ever wanted him to be with you.
Courtney: Well I SO totally canít believe you have the nerve to have more scenes then me!
Emily: So thatís what this is about! Listen, honey, I took down Mary, I took down Helena, and I can take you!
Courtney: In what universe did you take down Helena?
Emily: The same one where you became a foster mother, dipstick!
Courtney: Now you wait a minute Ė I have a foundationÖ
Emily: Oh yeah? Well I have a foundation, a concealer, three eye shadows AND a blush! And an endless supply of lip glosses and hair products. Plus I married a Prince!
Kung Fu Courtney attempts to strike, but Emily ducks. Courtney tumbles forward and her high heeled sandals get caught in Emilyís hair. Both shriek. A catfight ensues.
The Jason suddenly appears, and pulls them apart, holding each at bay with one hand.
The Jason: Whatís going on?
Jason hears sound like a cat running really fast inside a piano as Courtney and Emily attempt to explain.
The Jason: SHUT UP! OK, one at a time. Emily, you go first.
Courtney: [ROLLS EYES] Of course you would pick her first.
The Jason: UmÖhi? Sheís my SISTER. Ewww!
Emily: [TOSSES HAIR] Jason, thank you so much for coming, I need your hel-
The Jason: Wait, wait, first you have to tell me whatís going on, Emily.
Emily: WellÖshe started it!
Courtney: So not!
Noise like cat running in piano starts again as they attack. The Jason again pulls them apart.
The Jason: Someone better tell me what is going on or Iím hopping on my bike and tearing out of here.Öprobably have to clean it up firstÖ anyway, I want answers now.
Emily: [CRYING] Oh, Jason, itís teaarible, I donít know what Iím going to do, youíve got to help meÖ I asked Courtney, but she just wouldnítÖ
The Jason: Calm down, EmilyÖ
Courtney: Donít you ever get tired of saying that?
Emily: [FLINGS HAIR[ Shut up, Courtney!
Courtney: [SIGHS DISGUSTEDLY] Whatdidyoujustsaytome?
Emily: [GRABS JASON] Jase, youíve got to help me, please!
Courtney: [GRABS JASON] No, donít listen to her, please, Jason, she just wants to come between us!
Catfight ensues again with The Jason caught in the middle. Suddenly all goes quiet as loud bellowing voice calls out from the shadows.
The Voice: Hands off and get away from The Jason -- NOW!
All go silent and squint in the shadows to see who The Voice is. A slender female figure emerges. The darkness hides her face.
Courtney: Sam? Is that you? [SIGHS AND ROLLS EYES] Look, I thought I told you before that I am not over Jason. So you go bye-bye now, ĎK?
Voice: I donít think so.
Carly: Thatís right. And Iíve got a tape gun, so you two little pixies better watch it!
The Jason: Look, I donít have time for this! Now Emily, whatever your problem is, Nikolas will buy someone off to fix it. Or call Alan and Monica, they could use a scene. And Courtney, for the hundred millionth time, you left me. Carly, I gotta go.
Carly: Donít worry Jase, Iíve got this.
The Jason exits. Carly prepares to tape.
Carly: Oh, Iíve been waiting a long time for thisÖ
Emily: [Crying] What are you going to do?
Carly: Iím going to do Port Charles Ė no, the world Ė a favor and tape your mouths shut!
Faith: Or, youíre going to be a good little mob wife and give me the tape gun.
Carly: Faith! Last time I checked, you were a mob wife too, OK? And where the hell have you been?
Faith: A mob moll? No, honey, I am the Mob. Now you just give me that tape gun, baby doll.
Carly: No! Iíve been waiting a year to tape Emilyís mouth shut and three years to tape Courtneyís, and Iím gonna do it!
Faith: No, Iím gonna do it!
Carly: No way in hell!
Faith: Give me that tape gun!
Faith lunges at Carly and they struggle over the tape gun. Emily flings her perfect hair and flees to find someone to discuss Nikolas or Connor with. Courtney shakes her head, rolls her eyes, and goes to look for teenage lives to mess up or people to tell off.
Fade out as Carly and Faith continue to argue over tape gun. The end.
There, wasnít that fun? Anytime you need to get over a bad day, just get your tape gun, get yourself on down to the docks, and have some fun! It also works with Greenlee and Kendall at SOS.