By Evie
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It was late. It was Friday. It was cold and windy in Philadelphia. Hope and I were having a conversation on the computer, discussing topics like the weather, chocolate, llamas, and cars. The conversation, as it often does when we talk, turned to soaps. We then fell into a profound discussion: Who is more annoying – Courtney, or Emily? It’s not that I don’t like Courtney and Emily. Well, maybe it is… no, no, it’s more that I LOVE to make fun of them! It makes me feel better when I’ve had a bad day. It’s fun. Hope and I just had a blast. Let’s all try it now, shall we? Picture it: Port Charles, 2005. Courtney is standing alone on the docks, looking annoyed. It is 25 degrees in New York in January, but Courtney is sensibly dressed in high heeled sandals and a strapless dress. Don’t worry, she’s got the token scarf on. Courtney looks at her watch, rolls her eyes, and SIGHS. Emily runs from around the corner, panting, trembling, CRYING. Her make up is perfect nonetheless, and as she stops running, her hair falls around her as if she’s in a Pantene commercial. Courtney: Emily! Are you all right? Oh… wait [SIGHS], never mind, I don’t really care. I’m [TOSSES HAIR] waiting for AJ… I mean Jason [ROLLS EYES]… I mean Jax. Emily: Courtney! [GASPS] It’s teeearable!! You’ve GOT to help me! Courtney: [LOOKS ANNOYED] OK, Emily, just calm down, tell me what’s wrong. Emily: It’s Connor! Courtney: What about him? Emily: He’s [GASPS] just as hot as my husband! [SOBS] Courtney: So? Emily: SO? Is that all you can say? I’m opening up to you, Courtney, I’m begging you, please... I need your help! Courtney: Fine. [SIGHS] what do you want me to do? Emily: What do you think? I want you to call Jason! Courtney: Well how can Jason help you with this? Emily, if you’re falling for Connor then that’s your— Emily: Courtney, don’t you understand that the world must bow down to the love of Nikolas and I? How can you be so selfish? Courtney: Me? Selfish? Me? Selfish? ME? Emily: Yes you, Courtney! Courtney…please. After all that Nikolas and I have been through, please, give us a second chance. Please – just give me your phone and let me call my big brother. Courtney: No. Emily: What? Courtney: NO. Emily: WHAT? Courtney: NO. I am NOT going to let you call Jason. Jason is mine. Emily: Um… hi? He’s my BROTHER. Ewww! Courtney: I see right through you Emily, so just stop! This whole needy-sister thing is just an excuse for you to come between me and Jason, OK, and it’s NOT going to work! Jason is mine. Emily: But you’re sleeping with Jax! Courtney: I don’t see how that matters. Emily: Ohmigod. I SO totally can’t believe I ever wanted him to be with you. Courtney: Well I SO totally can’t believe you have the nerve to have more scenes then me! Emily: So that’s what this is about! Listen, honey, I took down Mary, I took down Helena, and I can take you! Courtney: In what universe did you take down Helena? Emily: The same one where you became a foster mother, dipstick! Courtney: Now you wait a minute – I have a foundation… Emily: Oh yeah? Well I have a foundation, a concealer, three eye shadows AND a blush! And an endless supply of lip glosses and hair products. Plus I married a Prince! Kung Fu Courtney attempts to strike, but Emily ducks. Courtney tumbles forward and her high heeled sandals get caught in Emily’s hair. Both shriek. A catfight ensues. The Jason suddenly appears, and pulls them apart, holding each at bay with one hand. The Jason: What’s going on? Jason hears sound like a cat running really fast inside a piano as Courtney and Emily attempt to explain. The Jason: SHUT UP! OK, one at a time. Emily, you go first. Courtney: [ROLLS EYES] Of course you would pick her first. The Jason: Um…hi? She’s my SISTER. Ewww! Emily: [TOSSES HAIR] Jason, thank you so much for coming, I need your hel- The Jason: Wait, wait, first you have to tell me what’s going on, Emily. Emily: Well…she started it! Courtney: So not! Noise like cat running in piano starts again as they attack. The Jason again pulls them apart. The Jason: Someone better tell me what is going on or I’m hopping on my bike and tearing out of here.…probably have to clean it up first… anyway, I want answers now. Emily: [CRYING] Oh, Jason, it’s teaarible, I don’t know what I’m going to do, you’ve got to help me… I asked Courtney, but she just wouldn’t… The Jason: Calm down, Emily… Courtney: Don’t you ever get tired of saying that? Emily: [FLINGS HAIR[ Shut up, Courtney! Courtney: [SIGHS DISGUSTEDLY] Whatdidyoujustsaytome? Emily: [GRABS JASON] Jase, you’ve got to help me, please! Courtney: [GRABS JASON] No, don’t listen to her, please, Jason, she just wants to come between us! Catfight ensues again with The Jason caught in the middle. Suddenly all goes quiet as loud bellowing voice calls out from the shadows. The Voice: Hands off and get away from The Jason -- NOW! All go silent and squint in the shadows to see who The Voice is. A slender female figure emerges. The darkness hides her face. Courtney: Sam? Is that you? [SIGHS AND ROLLS EYES] Look, I thought I told you before that I am not over Jason. So you go bye-bye now, ‘K? Voice: I don’t think so. ALL: Carly? Carly: That’s right. And I’ve got a tape gun, so you two little pixies better watch it! The Jason: Look, I don’t have time for this! Now Emily, whatever your problem is, Nikolas will buy someone off to fix it. Or call Alan and Monica, they could use a scene. And Courtney, for the hundred millionth time, you left me. Carly, I gotta go. Carly: Don’t worry Jase, I’ve got this. The Jason exits. Carly prepares to tape. Carly: Oh, I’ve been waiting a long time for this… Emily: [Crying] What are you going to do? Carly: I’m going to do Port Charles – no, the world – a favor and tape your mouths shut! Faith: Or, you’re going to be a good little mob wife and give me the tape gun. Carly: Faith! Last time I checked, you were a mob wife too, OK? And where the hell have you been? Faith: A mob moll? No, honey, I am the Mob. Now you just give me that tape gun, baby doll. Carly: No! I’ve been waiting a year to tape Emily’s mouth shut and three years to tape Courtney’s, and I’m gonna do it! Faith: No, I’m gonna do it! Carly: No way in hell! Faith: Give me that tape gun! Faith lunges at Carly and they struggle over the tape gun. Emily flings her perfect hair and flees to find someone to discuss Nikolas or Connor with. Courtney shakes her head, rolls her eyes, and goes to look for teenage lives to mess up or people to tell off. Fade out as Carly and Faith continue to argue over tape gun. The end. There, wasn’t that fun? Anytime you need to get over a bad day, just get your tape gun, get yourself on down to the docks, and have some fun! It also works with Greenlee and Kendall at SOS. Evie |
