By Evie

Did you ever notice that the time people spend trying to have a child or hide a pregnancy or fake a pregnancy amounts to way more time than the mother actually spend with said child once its born?  It’s true.  Who’s the next soap baby to be born?  Seriously, someone’s pregnant in either Port Charles or Pine Valley now, right?  I can’t remember.   

OK, well, let’s say that Greenlee and Ryan do procreate soon – we can begin our recording now.  Every time Greenlee or Ryan mentions having a child/family, count the seconds.  Then do the same during the pregnancy and pregnancy related trauma drama.  Once the little Greenster or Rymeister is born, you may end your total.  Then begin a new for every actual instance of a) airtime for Rylee Jr. and b) actual time spent with child onscreen.  It won’t be much. 

The only babies that get lots of airtime and scene time and spend actual time with their parents (well… sorta…) are Miranda and whatshisname?  James.  I think we should just call him Jimmy.  Doesn’t he look like a Jimmy?  “Widdle Jimmy!”  Isn’t that better than “Baby James?”   And have you ever seen a baby giggle more than the boys that play Miranda?  How cute are they?  Talk about kids that can work their screen time.   

Now, back again to soap parents – if the Green machine does have a baby, will she always be bringing it to Grandpa Jack’s house?  Will she hire, I don’t know, say, Dani, as a nanny, never to hold her child again.  It will be The Nanny that will take care of the kid (I’m thinking:  girl).  Ah, The Nanny:  your character barely gets a name before your life is given to the care and servitude of rich people’s children. 

Remember when Liz and Courtney hated each other, and they both worked at Kelly’s, and the most frequently spoken line by either one of them was, “Penny, will you take my shift?” or “Penny, will you cover for me?”  This is what Port Charles Mommies do.  Fight for the peace and safety of their kids, but pawn their motherly responsibilities off on their nannies. 

Carly kills me, because as cool as she is (and she’s got Alkie’s heart, I give her props for that), she is always talking about how much she loves her kids, and barely says more than a “do your homework, OK?” to Michael.  I love Tamara Braun, but she doesn’t look so comfortable holding Morgan.  I hope Carly gave Leticia a major raise. 

Talk about the unappreciated – poor, poor, misguided Leticia.  Just as Penny never told Liz or Courtney to stuff it, Leticia just smiles and takes it.  I don’t understand.  Did Reggie dump her and she’s throwing herself into her work?  Is she hot for Sonny?  Is she hot for Carly?  What could they possibly be paying her to get her to continue to work there?  I mean, seriously?  I’d have to have at least a mil to put up with all that crap – and that’s just Michael’s attitude.   

Talking about the kids themselves – in the land of PC where what is not real is real to us, we are asked to believe that a two (or is it three?) year old girl never cries or expresses unhappiness or joy, let alone says any actual words.  The adorable little twins that play Kristina, well, here’s my theory:  They used to be chatty, but then the “Kristina Gets Sick” storyline started, right around the time the “Kristina Gets Glasses” storyline started.  So, my theory is the girls were chatting, but the powers that be told them to be quiet in their scenes, so they got confused and now don’t talk at all.  Because, as my Hope says, Kristina’s lack of vocabulary is nothing short of erie.  And the way Alexis worries, she doesn’t seem to be in any hurry to get her to a speech therapist. 

Now, I don’t have children yet, but I do babysit for three year old triplets.  And at their quietest, the triplets are still WAY more talkative than Kristina.  Kristina never cries – so Kristina Upset is the same as Kristina Happy.  And considering she was named for someone who never shut the hell up, for the love of all that is HOLY, her apparent lack of vocabulary is puzzling.  I nearly fainted when she told Faith she wanted to sit on the bench – I think that’s the only full sentence I heard her use.  But then again, I have Tivo and I FF a lot… 

Back to Kristina’s vocabulary shortcomings:  Take, for example, at the beginning of the “Kristina Gets Kidnapped” storyline.  Angel Bear reappeared!  It’s her favorite bear! (It is? Uh…OK).  And it disappeared! (It did? Um… whatever…).  So, what does Kristina say to Alexis when Alexis questions the reappearance of the bear, as only Alexis can?  Nothing.  The girl says nothing.  So, what would a normal two/three year old say before her mother had a chance to question her about anything?   

I present to you, a two year old speaker: 

“Wook, Mommy!  Da man gave me da beaw! Wook, Mommy!  Da man gave me da beaw!  Mommy!  Da bear!  Mommy!  Mommy!  MOMMY!  Da man gave me da beaw!” 

And talk about unreality:  She can get sick!  She can get passed among fighting parents and godparents!  She can get kidnapped!  Not a peep.  Yeah, right. 

Now:  let’s discuss Michael.  Annoying?  Precocious?  Sonny Jr.?  All of the above?  First of all, I think he needs to stop the Sonny Jr. crap.  He won’t grow up if he continues that because he just ain’t that powerful.  I mean he’s cute and everything but how threatening can he be?  What’s he gonna do, rubber band someone in the eye if he doesn’t get what he wants?  I totally loved when Brook Lynn was babysitting before The Kidnapping, and she said something like, “I think I told you to slow down, alright?”  You go, girl. 

In real life, that kid would be in some kind of therapy or mental health situation.  He would be having nightmares, he would hate his father, he would have tried to hurt his brother, tricking Kristina, and all sorts of shenanigans.  And in real life, no mother, even one who has made as many mistakes as Carly would put up with any of that.  Boarding school, there you go.   

Now let’s review the other Port Charles bambini, those that have not have been SORAS’d and those that are new, those that are Sonny’s children and those that are not – wait.. are they all Sonny’s?  My head hurts.  I’ll get back to you on that.  Back to it:  Morgan – I can’t tell yet.  But, like his sister, he never cries, even when tested for bone marrow!  Even when sick!  Even when passed from fighting parent to fighting parent!  Not normal.   

Lulu?  Poor Lulu.  The same age as Georgie, yet now Georgie has breasts and a boyfriend to deflower her, and Lulu is still stuck in the 10 and under age bracket.  Even Brook Lynn, also their age, got to sprout and be SORAS’d – but not Lulu.  If there was ever a kid that had the right to be SORAS’d just so she could raise some hell, it would be Lulu.   

Let’s campaign to age Lulu.  How cool would that be?  I can see it now:  Major fights with Luke about the lack of love in her life, blaming him for her mom’s mental state, majorly rebelling against Lesle, running away, drinking, carousing, still ending up in precarious situations while her frustrated big brothers tried to help her, save her, or just looked on. 

Yeah, that would be cool.  Maybe it’s bad luck to be under 18 and have “Lu” be part of your name.  Just ask Lucas!  He finally fills out, grows up, gets a girlfriend and what does she do?  Dis him for the son of Alkie!  But, he never really had a healthy relationship before – only his cousins!  EWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!   

What is wrong with these writers?  Trying to explain away “cousin lovin” by saying, it’s OK, wink, wink, they’re not really related, wink wink wink…Last time I checked adoption was a legal means of making someone a member of your family, so YES, they are really related.  And the fact that the parents didn’t put a “What the hell’s wrong with you?” out there to the kids – well, no wonder they were confused.   

Now, to change the subject, who can I talk to about working out some sort of an exchange program?  Courtney goes, AJ stays, how’s that?  Yeah, I know, but I can dream…At least then I wouldn’t have the whole “Jax and Courtney Make Evie Puke” storyline to deal with.  Thank you, Tivo, for making it possible for me to have relatively nausea free nights!


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