February 13, 2004

Not feeling particularly extraordinary today, just extraordinarily sick.  I'm over the hill and the worst is behind me, but I still feel really horrible.  At least the bodily sick part is over and I'm down to coughing and blowing my nose nonstop.  I've gone through an entire box of Kleenex (I'm not talking the small square desk variety, but the big, rectangle box of a few hundred) in two days.  My head feels like it's going to explode off my body.

Eric took over yesterday and I went to bed at 9am and pretty much stayed there until this morning.  It definitely helped to take the day off.  I'm not feverish so much now, but I still feel yuck.  I'll be glad to have my head back to myself.

On Wednesday, circumstances conspired so that in the height of my yuck, I had to walk 4 miles round trip to the post office to mail out some coupon books.  That definitely put me over the line into full blown death-sick, plus, my plantar fasciitis was going crazy yesterday after the walk the day before.  I just want to feel normal again.

On top of that, bad news came in, which I'm trying to put into perspective.  With Eric having no Unemployment any more, we were really depending on our tax returns to fill in the blanks.  We got the California state tax return by check yesterday instead of direct deposit as requested because they deducted just over $100 from it for SOME alleged debt to the state that we were evidently notified of in September.  Needless to say, we did not receive any kind of notification to that effect.

Then today, the federal return was directly deposited, but was $340 short for some reason.  That's over $400 that we're out and we really depended on that money.  Good luck trying to get in touch with any person tax related this time of year (I'll likely set Eric to it anyway since he can talk and I can't).  I'm trying to keep a healthy attitude about it.  I am praying that the money gods smiled on someone who needed it more than I do this time.  Whoever they are must seriously be in the pooper.

My poor kiddies dragged their sick selves to school today under the lure of Valentine's Day parties.  Delena has already called home sick and Eric just got back from picking her up.  He's getting ready to go out on meetings and such to set up side jobs in a bit, so I'm on my own for the afternoon.  I hope I can crack a decent whip from the couch.

No weekend plans.  The kids have another three day weekend (our district does 3 day weekends for both Washington and Lincoln's birthdays rather than combining into one) and I can't think of even one thing we're doing.

Speaking of children, I heard this yesterday on "Judging Amy":

Your children are not your children.

They are the sons and daughters of Life's longing for itself.

They come through you but are not from you.

And though they are with you yet they do not belong to you.

You may give them your love but not your thoughts,
For they have their own thoughts.

You may house their bodies but not their souls,
For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow, which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams.

You may strive to be like them,  but seek not to make them like you.

For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday.

You are the bows from which your children as living arrows are sent forth.

The archer sees the mark upon the path of the infinite,
and He bends you with His might that His arrows may go swift and far.

Let your bending in the archer's hand be for gladness;

For even as He loves the arrow that flies, so He loves also the bow that is stable.
By:  Kahlil Gibran

And that is our poetry interlude.

I need fun.  I miss fun.  Fun feels so long ago.  I'm not depressed or worried or in any place of concern.  I'm just identifying that I'm in serious fun deficit here.  I've been getting some really cute e-mails that have made me smile and that has been lovely.  I'm so grateful for all of the miracles I've seen in the past two years and I don't for a second minimize what an incredible gift it is that we are, amazingly, still in our house, still have lights and heat and still have food to eat.  I'm just ready for the whole poverty thing to be over.  I can have grace under fire, but I can have much greater grace in comfort.  I'd like to think I could, anyway.  This whole thing of living on the wire has definitely taught me that worry is useless and faith is everything, but I'd like to be able to work out of that box for a while.  I'd still trust and have faith and all that for a while, but it would be nice not to have to live by the skin of our teeth for a while.  It seems like it has been so long now.  It makes me wonder how and who I'd be without that.  I'm eager to find out.

Enough babbling!  I think the oxygen is being reduced to my brain by this stupid cold.  I need to meditate and sleep and regather my chi.  I'm feeling distinctly not me and I need my me back, the same or better.  Extraordinary, even.