Katrina's Nonsoapy Journal

March 23, 2004

In theory, today is the day. It may be tomorrow, but we're definitely in the info period. If we don't pull out of the offer on the house by tomorrow, we lose our deposit if it doesn't go through. Everyone involved is trustworthy and dedicated, so I'm in good hands. I've gotten really great advice from a lot of different people, so I'm well armed in that department as nearly as I can tell.

I thought I'd be more relaxed than this. I thought if I focused more directly, I could channel out some of this energy, so I looked over the pictures really carefully and had a good cry and claimed the house as mine and didn't really feel any better. I know there's nothing that can be done except wait.

I knew this week would be hard, but... wow.

I'm not afraid of the move or the getting ready to move or working to find the money for the $800 or so we need at the signing (with no appreciable money in sight). Those are all things I can do. Waiting while someone else decides my life is the hard part.

Can you tell I'm a Virgo control freak?

I do trust the process, I just wish it would hurry.

I'm trying to think of something not related to whether or not our mortgage loan is approved and it seems that there's nothing else in my head. Surely, I can think other thoughts? I know I have in the past. At least, I think I have. Maybe I was born thinking of nothing but this. It sure feels that way.

I wish I could go to a movie. Being able to escape into the dark with a diet coke and some kettle corn, then getting lost in a story would be great. I wish I could movie hop from "Starsky and Hutch" to "Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind" to "Secret Window" to "50 First Dates" to "Taking Lives." What a day that would be! I love movies and it seems like forever since I made it to one. All of these are in one movie theater exactly one mine from my house. It's the new theater with stadium seating and cushy chairs with drink holders. That would be something like what? 10-12 hours? I wouldn't get out until 11 or so tonight. What a glorious way to pass the day. That's my new fantasy. Naps are a close second, but this one definitely wins. Then I would come home to hear a message on my answering machine from my wonderful mortgage broker telling me everything is a go and the house is mine.

http://meph.eu.org/

This is wonderful for so many reasons I can't count them all. Click your mouse to release the penguin, then click the mouse again for the Yeti to swing the bat.

OK, that was 5 minutes.

Only about 595 more until I can sleep and burn some time that way.

Tick

Guess I'll go clean my house. Desperation is an ugly thing.

is it really only 10:55?

I can't beat the Anna Nicole game.

http://www.eonline.com/On/AnnaNicole2/Game/Flash/agame.html

Devil Woman Kristen sent me this link almost a year ago and I've been working on it ever since. The idea is you have to get three in a row by moving the tiles two at a time. I haven't gotten past needing 12 of each. :( Kristen has beaten it.

At least I'm back on track with my diet and exercising for a week or so now. I still hate the exercising. I'm trying to love it into my life, but I keep ending up hating it into my life. The good news is that I'm doing it anyway. Twenty minutes of biking it a day, 11 or so mph, lots of oohs and ahhs, and God help me's. I haven't said "Oooh" "Ahhh" and "God" that many times or sweated so much since I was a young, promiscuous woman. Still have to fix my exercise ball where Nathan skewered it. That'll buy me 15 minutes or so. Making a pizza for lunch with Nathan. Chalk up another 20 minutes.

David, good boy that he is, sent me this:

Tried and true ways to get sent to the counselor's office

I know some of you are still in school, so for your benefit, I submit a few entirely original ways to orchestrate a little bit of quiet time away from the crowd and away from class, ones I've personally used. I was on a first-name basis with most of my school staff, so it got to the point where they'd just let me take a break whenever I wanted and lie down for a bit instead of bothering the school counselor. They're not as good as Adam Sandler's, but they work.

1. Integrate the phrase "...as I hate Hell, all Montagues, and thee" into your dialogue as often as possible. Plus, it's a kickass line.

2. Never refer to a person by name. Assign a color to everybody you know. If anybody asks why they're called Red, tell them it's because they're Irish. This works great on dark-skinned people. Don't let them tell you otherwise. Refer to all sluts as Blue. Don't tell them it's because of what they did on their last bathroom break. But let them imagine.

3. When somebody's talking to you, bust up laughing for no apparent reason. Then deny that you did it.

4. Let somebody know that you're well-licked by everybody. Repeat yourself only if asked.

5. Decide on whom you will refer to as "Big Gussie." This works best with normal-sized people, so it doesn't look like you're just being mean if you name a short person this. When the person attempts to correct you, laugh and pat him on the back, and say "Ha ha, that's ol' Gussie for you. He'll never admit it."

6. Occasionally, break off of one of your own sentences, stare off into space, and whisper "Mango!"

7. Ask people why they're still alive, then look at your watch. Mutter "oh," then walk off. (People ripped this one offa me all the time.)

8. Walk into the teacher's lounge and act like you belong there. Make yourself some coffee, refer to teachers by the first names, and complain about those damned kids.

9. On the first day, when your teacher's learning names, he/she will always ask if anybody was missed. Raise your hand (even if you responded to your name earlier) and make up a realistic name. Then, when it's asked if anybody else was missed, raise your hand and give another name. When reprimanded, begin to answer, then look quickly off to the side and say "shut up, you guys!"

10. Wait five seconds before responding to anything. Don't pretend to have anything better to do, just continue doing what you were doing, even if it's staring off into space. Especially if you're propositioned for a high-five. Continue using items five seconds after they're taken away from you. This works fantastically if you're in choir or band. Or drama. Whenever you go anywhere in a car, ask to drive. If somebody calls out "shotgun!" call it five seconds later.

11. From time to time, tell people that you've never killed anybody. Twice per conversation is about right. Three if it's a long one.

12. At your desk, move your thumbs like you're playing a video game and hum the theme song from your favorite game. Refuse to answer anybody...at least, until you finish the level.

13. Talk about Kyle a lot. Never deny that Kyle is made up and doesn't exist. You'll be asked why you talk about him. Just shrug and say you don't know.

14. Answer all questions in the form of interpretive dance.

15. Before sitting down, Riverdance until the bell rings. Then stomp the ground once loudly, throw your hand into the air, and, if you feel it's appropriate, remove your shirt.

16. On quizzes, treat every question like a trick question and get excruciatingly tedious in your search for reasons why the question can't be answered.

17. Better yet, respond with questions of your own, ones that begin with "More to the point, ......"

18. Correct every ditto sheet. I did this all the time. Get anal on grammer, i.e. whom vs. who, dangling participles, and ending sentences with prepositions. The difference between that and which, is a very easy one to nail, but my favorite was always when a person is referred to with "that," as in "I like girls that wear Abercrombie and Fitch." Fuck, do I hate LFO. And I hate Abercrombie and Fitch. And Old Navy will be put out of business when I take over. Everybody with any executive authority on what goes into the commercials will be executed. But that's beside the point.

19. Waving to somebody can look an awful lot like a Nazi heil. My cult actually made a practice of this among each other, but I don't recommend this for anybody else. Starting a cult is a little bit beyond the scope of most people.

20. Odd personal affectations. Pacifier. Bathrobe. A tie, tied perfectly around your forearm. An actual rope noose around your neck. When asked to "take that off," get creative on what you're being asked to remove. Start with the shoe to get a feel for it. When you're told specifically what to remove, ask where it says in the dress code that you can't wear it. If it's actually in there (you might be surprised), say "Look, we can argue semantics all day. " Then attempt to argue semantics all day.

21. When somebody asks you to do something, let them know you are "far too flatulent for that."

22. Try to keep your eyes on the sky or the ceiling at all times, and shift nervously from side to side.

23. State all your answers in the form of a question.

24. Attach a stuffed animal to your head, shoulder, or neck, and walk around with a blank look on your face. Always speak slowly and clearly to all people, and occasionally refer to them as "disgusting meatbag." Speak in very vague terms about common activities, and occasionally ask people about them. Insist that you know, you're just quizzing them.

25. Ask to be excused to go to the bathroom. Then go stand in the corner and unzip. Especially if you're a girl. Jiggle a little.

26. Replace a few common words with "smurf," especially in essays.

27. Bring an actual light bulb to class and play around with it. Why this freaks people out, I'm not really sure. Before you answer any questions, hold the bulb over your head and say "ding!"

28. Kill your parents. No, wait, don't kill your parents. (Kill your parents)

29. Never respond to your name. Anything else is alright, like "hey you," and react to all gestures appropriately. When reprimanded and told your name, say "Is that my name?" and promptly forget.

30. Address the camera. What camera, you ask? Nobody needs to know. You can do newscasting, self-narratives, or just make sure you're positioning yourself so that the camera can see your front and the front of the person you're talking to.

31. Frequently ask "You're not one of THEM, are you?" Refuse to talk about it.

32. Act like twenty years have passed since you've seen anybody. Be thrilled to see some people alive. Tell some time was cruel to them.

33. Let people know you won't give in to their lies and propoganda. When they give any response, say "Okay, just this once."

34. Wear water wings and a football helmet. If asked about them, say "Oh, you just wait!" and giggle maniacally.

35. Belt out your favorite song silently, air guitaring as necessary. Tap a random clothed part of your body before stopping or starting.

36. Close your eyes and wait to be spoken to, then go "...so the meaning of life must be.....aw dammit, now I'm going to have to start all over again!"

37. Inform people that your bologna has a first name. If they guess that it's Oscar, shriek, declare that person a witch, and flee in terror.

38. Throw a birthday party in class and don't explain who it's for. Go all out with balloons and cake and ice cream (most teachers don't object once properly bribed with such). Have everybody get in on the birthday song, and mumble when it's time to sing the name. Do the exact same thing the next day. If you're asked whose brithday it is (and for some reason, I never was), think of a fictional character, like Godzilla or Popeye. Or, if you're feeling confident, a mass murderer.

39. Always talk a foot to the side of somebody and react to them like they're over there, but react normally to all other objects. You'll be brought to face the person, but a drifting focus of attention is what makes it interesting.

40. Talk to yourself in a variety of voices. Whenever anybody speaks to you, whisper "Immigration! Hide!" and conduct the conversation normally. Deny everything.

41. When, in a conversation, it's your turn to speak, say "So you're saying that I should smear myself with carpet freshener and run around collecting human hides? You make me sick." I've found that "So you're saying the square root of purple is cheese?" works if the people are easily excitable.

42. Walk against the wind wherever you go.

43. Ask people if your butt makes your fat look dress. Let them know they're wrong.

44. Tell everyone that you love them. Cry when they go away.

45. Answer all questions in Matrix style. "What is the capital of Alaska?" "Whatever place truly believes that it is capable of being the capital of Alaska. When a city understands what it is capable of, we will have known the truth all along."

46. Carry a fork around with you. When asked about it, hold it up wide-eyed and say "It's a DINGLEHOPPER!" Occasionally use it to brush your hair.

47. On your homework, write "Somebody help me! I'm trapped in this crazy person's head!" Follow it up with "Why haven't you helped me yet???"

48. Keep a notebook and write down what people say.

49. When called on, say "Questions make Hulk MAD!" Then beat on your desk and bounce out of the room.

50. Let somebody know your spider-sense is tingling. Then shriek and collapse to the ground. Admit later that it wasn't your spider-sense. But then, what was it?

51. Put a pillow under your shirt. Rub it, love it, and sing to it. Especially if you're a male.

52. Insist that Satan ate your homework.

53. Always keep one or both of your hands behind your back, and refuse to show anybody. Back away when somebody gets too insistent. When it's eventually revealed that you're not holding anything, inform people that your hands are unlicensed lethal weapons.

54. Stick post-it notes on your body with several common phrases and responses on them. Instead of answering anybody, point to the appropriate note.

55. Every time you pass somebody who's sitting down, pat him/her on the head and say "Duck..."

Wait. I think I already posted that in a previous journal. The good news is that if I am forgetting things, I have twice as much chance of finding things to keep me busy.

My pizza dough isn't rising. >:<

People whose journals I read aren't updating. Joe and Melissa are the best at it (thanks, guys). Some, I wonder why I still even check. I think it's because a year or so ago, I was accused of "not caring" because I didn't check on the journal of a person with whom I had parted ways. Now I'm terrified of not checking the journals of people I love. What am I saying? OK, kill 5 minutes slapping myself back into making sense again.

Tick

OK, it's 11:25. I've managed to not clean my house yet.

Making new pizza dough. Maybe the yeast was dead in the first one. Stupid Jiffy mix.

11:45, pizza cooking.

This must be riveting for you.

Guess I should release you from this torture if you are still around.

Such is my day. Welcome to it.

I'll be more entertaining soon.

I hope.

Tick

Love,
K

PS:

Update: 1pm

Ha! I guess I asked for help and I got it. At least I got some encouragement. Today, for the first time in my life, I got in the mail an envelope of address stickers from the "St Jude Children's Research Hospital" with little "I love St Jude" stickers mingled in with the address stickers. I guess that's pretty clear. There's nothing more personal to where you live than your address, so that pretty much equals "home" and St Jude is my long time buddy and the one I've been working with for a lot of this house stuff. St. Jude, the Patron Saint of Lost Causes. Now if I could have gotten "St Jude loves YOU" stickers, that would have been pretty profound. Still, I'm taking this as encouragement from St Jude that he's ON it and I just need to chill.

I've GOT to get a St Jude medallion!! :)

Love,
K

Updated 5pm

We didn't get the house. Evidently, the underwriter couldn't make it work no matter how she tried to run it.

I don't know what we do now. My intellect tells me that there is something even more wonderful right around the corner.

My spirit just hurts like mad and it's making it hard for me to see or feel anything but shock.

I might not be very present for a day or so.

Thanks for all the good wishes and love everyone sent.

I couldn't have made it through this without all of you.

Love,
K