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June 4, 2004 I am SO much better today!! That shows what an afternoon of meditation and prayer can do for you! After I wrote yesterday's whine fest (and I don't even like cheese, so it went straight to my head - fortunately, not my hips!), I felt so bad that I put the kids on autopilot (the joys of older kids) and crawled into bed. I meditated a good bit and prayed a good bit and asked for some guidance as to exactly why I was feeling so down. Sure, there were lots of decent reasons. The past few months have been extremely stressful. I'm isolated. I don't have any of my old coping and soothing means available to me (can't go to the thrift store, can't lunch with Georgia, can't make a candy or fast food run). Money is really challenging. No break from kids. There are plenty of reasons to be bugged. But why was I being so uncharacteristically maudlin? Why so dark? That's not my gig. So I worked on that a bit and asked for guidance and drifted off to a light doze. Nathan came in to give me a cuddle and since there was nothing on TV that was interesting me, I asked him to go downstairs to the bookshelf (three tiers, 12 feet long) and bring Mama a book. I thought with all of the great Witchy books down there, I would be able to crack open the book he brought me and find some wisdom in there. Ha! The little stinker brought me The Wisdom of Menopause by Christianne Northrup! Wow! I read for a little bit, then bloop! I felt a familiar sensation and knew what was up. I'd started my period early this month (not due until the 10th or so)! It made sense because I've been attuning myself to the moon since I've been up here and the previous day had been Full Moon. After I got back into bed again, it all made sense! Since I've been here, the clean air and water drinking was making me feel so healthy that I stopped taking my Remifemin! So here I was a month off of the herbal supplements and so many things started to make sense! I was losing hair again (I told myself it was because summer's coming). I can't sleep worth a damn (I've always been a great sleeper) and I've started having some palpitations and hot flashes again (It's summer and you're fat). I've had the headaches for days. Of course!!! I've not been given to PMS for years now, since I started menstruating again after Nathan weaned. I'd skimmed Wisdom of Menopause when I first got it and thought, "Hmm, I'm definitely symptomatic!" then started taking Estroven and let it go. When a friend sent me some Remifemin, it seemed to work even better, so I went to that. I got irregular with taking it a couple of weeks before we moved, so when we got up here and I felt OK, I stopped taking it altogether. I read a good bit of the book and got more into the spiritual causes of the different symptoms and what they are trying to tell you. It's such a brilliant book and she is just my favorite medical person in the whole world. Suffice it to say that everything I've been experiencing from the severe mood swings to the physical symptoms are all classic early menopause symptoms. I mean, I'm 42 and have had a tubal ligation, so it's time. I took my Remifemin last night and this morning (slept like a baby last night) and feel great today. It's like the world is anew (Remifemin is definitely Happy Mommy Pills). I'm so grateful that there was a physiological reason for all this nuttiness and that I'm not just crazy. I also plan to follow Northrup's advice and get some 2% progesterone cream to supplement the black cohash in the Remifemin. Then, I should be good to go. The exercising has been awesome and I'm actually starting to look forward to it. I didn't exercise yesterday because I was feeling so crappy and I really missed it. When I finish here, I am going to work out and clean house. I haven't given it the degree of attention I normally do this week and I need to get it nice for Full Moon tonight. We are having a small group, only three and a newborn. I am going to make some potato soup for people to sip on when they come inside. I made chili last night and had two bowls with two glasses of cold milk, so lots of protein. That also helped balance me out. Sunday will be a fun day. I'm taking Delena to town to buy shoes and we'll get a huge load of groceries. Eric gets paid today! Yayyy! FINALLY! After months! We'll have a chick day and that will be fun. So no worries, folks! I'm back on target and feeling fine! The good news is that if you will remember from yesterday journal, I used to have years of darkness. I think I can stand a few days here and there in lieu of that. I've found in the past several years that the dark times do a LOT for me in terms of teaching me about myself and blowing the dust and cobwebs out of corners I insisted on ignoring. As Northrup says, menopause and on a lesser level, PMS, are the times when those areas will no longer be denied. It's such an empowering time of self-awareness and learning that I am actually looking forward to it even if it does bring on some darker moments. It makes perfect sense that before moving into the last half of life, we would be forced to reconcile the first part and assimilate the lessons we have learned from it. It also makes sense that we would use those lessons to determine what we need for the next half century or so. What a perfect system! Knowing that I am standing on the brink of the end of my intense mommying times as Nathan goes into kindergarten in August, I am grateful to have the summer to do this work (wow, it's going to be mental, emotional, spiritual AND physical) to prepare for the changes that are to come. It's going to be great! It also makes sense that I would need to be alone (as in without friend input) for this time since only I can really figure it all out. I'm sure there will be friends there when I'm finished with this evaluation, so my grieving of that is over. Instead, I'm eagerly embracing the changes and now that I have a name for all that's going on, I'm excited about exploring it. I am going to make such an awesome "mature" woman (because I'm not going to be old for a while yet - we call this phase "Diva" in my craft) and Nana. I really do think it's going to be the very best time of my life. I've got to work on getting this weight off (watch me shrink, baby) and letting go of the way things have been so that my arms are free to hold the future. It's gonna rock. I'm so glad you're going to be there with me for it! Off to inflate the exercise ball!
(the diva)
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Have
a STELLAR weekend!
