July 11, 2003

Gawd, someone save me.

Never thought I'd think that again.  This has been the week from Hell.

Eric is moody and defensive and bitch and wound up tighter than an 8 day clock because the business isn't making money and we're going down the hill fast.  They're set up for really, really good things, so it's just the now that's hard.

They've had a lot of really good breaks on things like their workman's compensation insurance and liability insurance, but it's taking a while to get profitable work.  He's just a mess and I try to keep him uplifted but if I ask ANY questions about when they're doing this or what's going on with that, he gets nutty on me.  After yesterday, I've decided to just not ask any more.

So far, all of our known resources are exhausted (exhausted, try "dead"), but I am hopeful that there are unseen miracles hanging just around the corner.  We are not as devastated at this point in the layoff as we were at this point of the last layoff and harvest begins August 1, so I'm just going to presume that we only have to hold on until then.  Right now, lights are on. Right now, we have a few groceries.  Right now, my phone works. Beyond that, I refuse to worry about it.

I'm finally feeling better, but even up til yesterday, I was dead in the bed.  Eric was great about taking care of kids and house when he could be here.  Now, I just have to clean carpets and do some general straightening.  My online medical consultant, Mary, suggested a cough medicine called "Delsym" and my friend, Leslie, said that Ibuprofen would be better than Tylenol for the muscle and chest pain, so I switched to that and feel much better.  I'm still coughing up lots of stuff, but it's much better.  One thing I did learn about the Delsym is that it's a 12 hour medication and they aren't kidding.  I tried to fudge and take some before I went to bed when it had only been 8 hours and within 15 minutes, I was speeding like crazy and couldn't get to sleep for 2-3 hours.  It's GREAT stuff though and seems to disconnect the cough impulse, which worked for me because my lungs really needed to rest for a bit.  Usually, I tend to let illness do its things, with fevers burning off the illness and coughs bringing up the junk, but this whole thing just felt really out of hand.  I'm really glad to feel better now.  I'm not 100%, but I'm much, much better.

It seems like this week really flushed out the assholes and in 2-3 different directions, I've had to deal with people who had some rage and abuse issues (not in my home, just to clarify, but online) and with the illness and our current financial situation, I just wasn't prepared to be involved with something like that.  I just feel beaten to shit on all levels.  Eric and I have been doing a lot of meditation and affirmation work, which has really helped.  I hate to think about where we'd be without that. 

Anyway, I'm off to try and clean house and rest a bit more.

I hope your day goes better than mine has started off!

Love,

K

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