July 18, 2004

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Come over here, I want to tell you some stuff.

If you hadn't already deemed me around the bend and off the rocker from some of the nutty stuff I've written before, prepare to do so now.  In the interest of full disclosure, I should also note a few things.  One is that, despite my fleeting mention in my last column, I am NOT on any medication, prescribed or not, other than the obligatory Remifemin.  I am, in fact, fairly well sunburned (in that way that you know it'll be gone in 24-48 hours) from a family outing today, but I don't think I have sunstroke or anything. 

I know my last column was a little testy and mostly it was because I've been processing so many changes lately, most of which you know about, but the one I am going to talk about tonight is the most major one and not one I've discussed much, here or elsewhere.  I really only laid it all out to Eric today and honestly didn't understand a good bit of it myself until we were discussing it then.

I'll do my best to aptly describe it to you and hope that I don't come off soundly like I've dropped my basket or something.  I'm sure I'll understand even more of it as I write it out here.

I really do think that I've gone full on into Diva.

Someone, I can't remember who, ran that word past the table when I was in Studio City with three of my writers, Kathy Hardeman, Carolyn Aspenson and Sherry Mercurio.  It's important to know that these girls are my POSSE and we talk about anything and everything.  If I could have them around me full time, my life would be perfect, but sadly, I only get to see them once a year.  Some of the newcomers to the Nonsoapy Journal (named the Nonsoapy because it is based in a soap opera website, Eye on Soaps, but well, is, not soapy in nature, except for the amazing soap opera of a life that I live) may not be aware that I have a number of other sites that I have built.  They are all pretty much Witchy based, so I don't yell about them too loudly because most people aren't very interested.  One of them, The Diva Digest, is used to showcase a particular part of a woman's life, the Diva phase.  In Craft, there are three recognized "faces of the Goddess" and they relate specifically to the life path of a woman.  They are Maiden, Mother and Crone.  These aspects of womanhood and of the Goddess are ancient, having been found referenced in both artwork and text dating back before the advent of Christianity. 

I was feeling peckish one day a year or so ago because I knew my Mother phase was coming to an end, but I was having trouble seeing myself in the Crone mode.  I'm just not there yet.  Also in Craft, the Crone aspect is not something to be feared or fought against, but is a sacred time in a woman's life to be envied.

I recently saw a quote that really exemplified how I view Cronedom:

LIFE IS NOT A JOURNEY TO THE GRAVE WITH THE INTENTION OF ARRIVING SAFELY IN A PRETTY AND WELL PRESERVED BODY,  BUT RATHER TO SKID IN BROADSIDE, THOROUGHLY USED UP, TOTALLY WORN OUT, AND LOUDLY PROCLAIMING----WOW----WHAT A RIDE!!

That's exactly the Crone I want to be... when it's time... which isn't now.

So I was struggling with this and my Craft sisters agreed that the threefold Goddess just didn't apply to modern woman's life.  In the past, women DID go right from mothering into being a grandmother and dying at the ripe old age of 45-50. Now, those are the days when she's coming into her highest empowerment.  Kids are out of the house.  She's well grounded in who and what she is and what she has to offer the world.  She knows herself well and is ready to live life to the fullest with the blessing of life experience behind her.  We could think of no better title than that of "Diva" for this vibrant, empowered time of life.  Thusly, The Diva Digest was born.  It's here:  www.thedivadigest.com if you want to take a look.  Specifically, www.thedivadigest.com/divawhois.htm and www.thedivadigest.com/divainside.htm discuss the details of the Diva and how she fits into our world.

Who are Divas around us?  The beautiful women from Sweet Honey in the Rock are good examples. My favorite song by them is "Breaths."  http://www.conniekaldorusa.com/breaths.htm   Lwoxana Troi from Star Trek, The Next Generation is a perfect Diva.  Kathleen Turner is a Diva.  Whoopi Goldberg is a Diva (I'm trying to keep away from the obvious Barbra Streisand/Susan Lucci sort of Diva so you'll know I'm not talking about a queenly behavior, but more of a way of being in the world and engaging it fully and lustily.) 

So anyway, our year is divided into 8 holidays which demarcate the seasons pretty much.  The 8 holidays are ruled by the 4 aspects of the Goddess.  As it happens, the Diva comes into play on August 1st, just two weeks from now and I'm finding that the closer we get to that day, the stronger the Diva is inside me. 

Sure, I can still be a Mother while I'm a Diva, but Diva just defines the most prominent part of the personality. 

I know this started when I was in LA.  I had been having the headaches and the nightly power surges with waves of energy moving through me to the point that I couldn't sleep.  I never have any alone time here, so there's not much opportunity to think things like this through.  On Sunday of the vacation, I had a good bit of time to myself and that's when I started to realize what was going on and what the "big thing" I'd been feeling on its way actually was.  It was my full emergence into Diva.  I never really got to experience my transition from Maiden to Mother because it was forced in prematurely.  I got pregnant with Joe when I was 15, so really, I had to be Mother while I was still a Maiden and I don't think Mother really took hold for me until I was in my early 30's, probably because I was running on fake Mother energy for so long just trying to get through life.  Also, I wasn't nearly as tuned into the cycles of life back then, so I likely would have ascribed the big life change to all of the other madness my life was going through at the time.

So yeah, things are very cool.  Eric responded immediately to my new feeling of empowerment (not in a positive way, either), but after a good bit of discussing it today, I think he gets it and is willing to ride it out.  I believe most of the changes I'm experiences will be ones he ultimately appreciates. 

The internal rewiring has been an interesting experience.  I've been having lots of spacey moments where I'm daydreaming or just resting my head.  I feel like I'm in a holy moment just about all the time, which is fairly cool.  I don't think I've ever felt so connected to Spirit. 

One of the best thing is that the message I got while in LA was that I needed to stand on my own two feet and take better care of myself before all others.  I had thought and believed that for years, but never fully internalized it until now.  What's really cool is that since then, I haven't been hungry or craving food for comfort.  I eat when my body is low on fuel and only what my body needs.  I've also lost all pain in my legs and feet for days and days now.  I've been on my feet a great deal more than usual and normally, I'd be in trouble by now, needing lots of Motrin and Ben Gay and my supports.  Nothing.  Not even a twinge.  I guess I really can stand on my own two feet now. 

The headaches have all but stopped since I started re-channeling the energy back into the self development.  I think before, I was just running lots of energy and it had nowhere to go, so it was giving me a headache from the build up.  Today, we went to Leoni Meadows, which his a bajillion acre Christian retreat here in town that is owned and operated by the Seventh Day Adventists.  They had a community day where their fun stuff (horseback riding, pool, science center, etc) open to the public for free, so we heavily indulged.  I went into Leoni House and I have to say, I don't think I've ever been in a more haunted place in my life.  In my current state of heightened connectivity to the Universe (all ego intended), the place was totally pegging out my meters.  I went to the Winchester Mystery House the week before Halloween at night on a flashlight tour and barely got a blip on the radar (and that was only when I snooped off the beaten path a bit).  This was in broad daylight with lots of mundane people around and the place was absolutely bananas with spirit activity.  I wish I could have gone back to cover the upstairs (I barely got started when I had to leave to catch their stupid train - insert eye rolls here) completely because that's where most of the spookinannies were hanging out.  Oooh.  Wait. I took pictures.  Let me download those puppies and show them to you.

That's all I could get before I had to leave.  >:<  We went out on the balcony for a split second, right when Eric and Delena showed up from their horse ride and Eric called up, "Wanna go on the train?" and my sons mowed down about 20 people to get down the stairs and out the door, so I had to abandon the ghostbusters mission.  To most of you, this just looks like old crap (albeit, cool old crap), but to those of you who are of a sensitive nature, you might get a feel for some of the things I felt.  I definitely got the two people who built the house, (the happy couple in the picture) their kids (a lot of them, many of whom were none to happy, I might add), some grandkids, some slaves (mostly female), a young woman who painted a portrait of some kind in the house (although I didn't see it) and a man who was something of a handyman and worked for them.  The house was deceptively large and had 6 bedrooms upstairs alone.  I'd love to live there.  Those 7th Day Adventists sure know how to throw a party.