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July 24, 2004 It's hot, I'm tired, I'm bored, it's a lazy day, so let's talk about whores. I've known a lot of whores and I've been a whore (if any of my children are reading that, Mama was just kidding, *cough*), so I feel I can address this subject from an educated and experienced perspective. I was recently mulling the subtle differences in whores, sluts, hussies, etc. I talked it over with Georgia, who also had some good input. There are several situations in my own life (none concerning me directly) that made me think a great deal about how women approach their own sexuality and, yes, how they use it. All through history, the sexuality of women has been reviled, starting with the concept of "original sin" and continuing on through centuries of repression, rebellion, denigration and liberation in the pull and tug of whether or not, or how much or when, women should express themselves sexually. Men have more often than not been encouraged to revel in their own sexuality, while women, who if they discuss sex at all, often do so with lowered eyes and only in safe company. I'm not here to argue the pros and cons of being a whore or of expressing oneself sexually. That's something that is so subjective that the individual lines of what is offensive and what is not could not possibly be set by one person. Oh no, I'm here to blatantly judge and to hand out dictates and make rulings and determinations. As a Witch, I tend to approach sexuality as I do all things, from a "harms none" perspective. That's our reed, "as it harms none, do what you will." For instance, I am very much for the legalization and regulation of prostitution and I don't think any less of that service than I do of massages or high colonics. If you don't want a professional enema or massage or acupuncture session or gynecological exam, don't get one. If you don't want to be serviced by a prostitute, don't go to one. I feel prostitution is a victimless crime and if it were legalized, it could be more closely regulated for heath and safety and yes, OSHA standards. It's obviously not going to go away because it's illegal. There's a reason why it's "the oldest profession." I'm betting a lot of women who really enjoy having sex for sex's sake would love to be able to safely work as a prostitute, make good money and have fun at the same time. Sure, there are crazies who go to prostitutes, but there are also crazies who order pizza from Dominoes, drag the delivery person into the bathtub and kill them then eat the pizza. That doesn't mean we should outlaw pizza delivery. So yes, "harms none." If you are imposing yourself sexually onto a person who does not want that sexual attention, that defies "harms none." If you are taking advantage of a child or teen who doesn't know all of the hang ups of sex and definitely not the ramifications, then that defies "harms none." If in the course of the consensual sex act, you cross the line of what makes that person feel comfortable and safe, ignoring "no means NO," then that defies "harms none." If you are expressing your sexuality in a way that is affecting your children (exposing them to age-inappropriate situations, embarrassing them, risking their mother's safety or otherwise compromising them with your own promiscuous lifestyle) then it defies "harms none." If you are cheating on a spouse or partner with whom you are sharing a monogamous relationship, even if they would never find out, that defies "harms none" because of the potential for extreme harm. Everyone totally underestimates the damage of adultery until they are on the receiving end. Trust me. You don't have a clue unless it's been done to you. You might think you can imagine how it would feel, but you just can't. It's much, much worse and destroys a person on so many levels. Additionally, a person who has a sexual relationship or even a sexual moment with a person that they know to be in a monogamous relationship is just as guilty. Argue it as much as you want, but it defies "harms none." Many people limit the interpretation of adultery to a Tab A - Slot B situation. There is also the whole train of thought that endorses "eatin' ain't cheatin.'" Then there's the big question of whether or not something like internet sex or phone sex is adultery. Personally, I like Dr Phil's litmus test of whether or not an act is adulterous: would you do it if your partner were right there? If you are inclined to hide what you are doing, for whatever reason, you're cheating or right on the brink. If you are not being responsible in relation to disease and birth control, that defies "harms none." If you are engaging in sexual activity under false pretenses or lying about it, then that defies "harms none." Remember, there are five levels of existence on which a person can be harmed: physical, mental, emotional, spiritual and sexual. Having gotten the basic foundation of my own beliefs about sexuality out of the way, what I bellied up to the desk to talk about today is actually whores. There are many different kinds of whores, sluts, hussies, etc and after careful consideration, I have determined that what it comes down to is motivation. What, I wondered, was the difference in a woman who freely enjoys sexuality for the act itself and those who are using it to feed some other need? Where do we stop being sexually empowered and start being pathetic? Georgia hit the nail on the head when she used that word, "empowerment." If a woman is conducting her sexual life in a responsible way (getting all those "harms none" issues handled) and wants to have an active sex life and isn't using it to assuage other problems, if she is working within her own empowerment as a woman, why should it be a problem? If a woman is going to bars to pick up men in hopes of finding a husband and is sleeping with them as a means of barter or because "I just can't help myself" or if she is using sex to attempt to reel in a man, then she is NOT acting from a position of empowerment, but from a position of weakness. It's saying things like, "He won't want to be with me unless I put out." "I'm too weak to say no to sex if I really like the guy." "But what if I'm saying no to sex and someone else is saying yes?" If a woman is furtively searching eyes as the 2am "last round" bell sounds at the bar, willing to lower standards just to have a warm body to take her home, then that is a position of weakness. If a woman is living with a man she doesn't love and doesn't even like, sleeps with him just to keep from being alone, stays in the relationship because she's too afraid to take control of her life and change things, that's a position of weakness. So to me, that's what really tells the difference in a whore and a woman of sexual empowerment. Are they acting from a position of weakness or a position of empowerment? Are they harming others and just accepting it as a matter of breaking eggs to make omelets? Are they using sex to create a false sense of love, intimacy, acceptance or validation, if even for a few minutes? Are they compromising their own sexual wants or allowing themselves to be sexually denigrated just to keep a man happy? If a woman is confident in her sexuality, makes her own choices about who, when, where and how, takes ample responsibilities for any possible outcomes of her sexual activities and has a good time while she does it, then I say, "More power to her!" If she's coming away from her sexual encounters with doubts, feeling dirty or with regrets, waiting by the phone anxiously and second guessing her choices, then girlfriend has big issues. Is she just trying to fill up holes in her body to get to the emptiness inside? Is she trying to get approval from every man she meets to make up for the lack of approval she got from Daddy? Is she sleeping with every guy she meets because someone, somewhere, took advantage of her and gave her the message that it's what her use in life is (a self-fulfilling prophecy)? Is she so low in self-esteem that she equates sex with worth? Is she using sex as a "power over" tool to show that she can have her way with men or manipulate them?" (Defies harms none) Is she assembling a huge roster of conquests to feed her own ego? Sometimes, it's a really fine line and although we can judge someone's activities and make an educated assessment (or not), only she knows what truly motivates her and takes her into those sexual situations. Empowerment without requiring "power over" is the key. The only way to be clear on that is to be completely honest with oneself and truly understand ones own motivations. A woman empowered in her sexuality or a whore? I think that's what draws the line. The thing is, "whore" is easier to say... I told you it was a lazy day. See you soon,
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