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 August
8, 2003
 Howdy!!!
Thought today would be a little change of pace in
the journal layout. I've been feeling really
silly and goofy lately, so thought it should
reflect. I think I'm just slaphappy from not
sleeping well. Still with the really weird
dreams that oddly, make me not rest well. I
always had heard that NOT dreaming caused all sorts
of mental problems, but I think having dreams like
this are prone to either identifying or amplifying
whatever mental problems one might already have.
:)
Last night was
about my dad, who died in 1986. I dreamed I
got top secret information (go figure) that he was
not dead at all, but in a mental institution (irony
at its finest), sort of a Shady Rest place with bars
on the windows and it was MY JOB TO BREAK HIM OUT!!
So here I am posing as a nurse, slipping into this
place, finding my dad and he was about 100 pounds
lighter and looked really old, kind of like my
Grandpa before he died and he and I were trying to
get out, but he was really disoriented and I
couldn't
 tell if he was drugged or just into
dementia or what. About 14 hours into the
dream (it seemed like it went on forever), the
Authorities (fill in that anonymity with whatever
authoritarian body was likely to be anti-me breaking
Dad out of the nuthouse, it was never clearly
defined) caught on to our nefarious escape plans and
so the danger was up and Dad was asking about
whether the antelope had been fed or some weirdness
like that. I woke up from the dream feeling
like I'd just gotten shot out of Alice's Rabbit Hole
(which sounds relatively dirty). In the
mornings, it feels like I've spent the night on some
grand adventure instead of resting. My best
sleep comes after Eric leaves (hmmmm...common
denominator?) at 5am until Nathan wakes up at
7:30am. On Monday, when Delena and Dylan go
back to school, I'll be up at 6:30am to get them
rolling, so that's a precious hour I'll be losing.
The Estroven
helps me sleep, but doesn't do anything about the
dreams. Not sure if it's causing them (ala
Wellbutrin) or not. I start getting a little
spacey and stupid
 around
1-2pm and I'm dozing off around 5-6pm. It
gives everything this kind of surreal, between the
worlds feeling. [Insert eerie music here so
that I don't have to slow down the load time and
speed up your blood pressure with a stupid midi file
attached to the page].
At least, the
Estroven is really, really great at evening out the
moods and I haven't had a hot flash in days. I
don't want to kill things any more (that don't
deserve it), but I must confess that when I looked
at the kitty to the right, I first thought she was
holding a sawed off shotgun, perhaps a Mossberg.
I promise you, it gave the picture a much pithier
sense of expression. I also really enjoy that
kitty fishnet look and the Babushka dress.
I feel so silly
today. I was pouting through the day because I
left a 12-pack of Diet Dr Pepper out in the trunk of
the car and was really wanting a glass. As I
fitted around about it for a while, I decided to get
the kids dressed and do the unthinkable: take
all three kids to the store to get some more diet
caffeine free soda. As I went out to get
in the car, I was stunned that I was getting into
the car,
that'd be the one with the trunk and the sodas in
it. Pfft. I guess that's about how
fractured I am lately.
Other than the
ditziness from time to time, it's been a very happy
time since Eric
 turned
from the Dark Side and decided to be happy for a
while. It's such a whopping job to convince
someone that they really are in total control of how
they perceive situations and the moods they carry
with them. I tend to forget sometimes and fall
mercy to the fears and what-if's. Sometimes,
it seems like there is just too much grief, too much
fear, too much uncertainty in the world to face.
I'm just glad that Eric was able to let go of it for
a while and let the dark cloud that's been hanging
around us drift away. The result of the bad
nasties leaving has left me feeling really giddy and
giggly and very un-Diva-like. Or maybe it's
the odd sleep stuff. Regardless, it's kind of
fun. I think if I had a hotel room with a pool
and jacuzzi access, good music, some downers and a
TV with no obligations or worries, I'd be dangerous.
The weather has
been so lovely. I'm very much a person who
enjoys non-extremes and this wonderful 80 degree
weather has been fabulous. Most days, the air
conditioner isn't needed and I just have windows
open. I plan to get a couple of fans tomorrow
(ours died), as well as groceries and some school
clothes and back pack for Dylan. Delena was
furnished Tuesday night.
 I
found some fun things to run past you. One is
a voice modulator thingy. It's fun to put in
funky things like (as a friend suggested "Bad
monkey... no banana") and listen to the proper
British accent pronounce it out.
http://www.research.att.com/projects/tts/demo.html
Sometimes,
I'm so easily amused.
Another really
funky thing that Joe showed me defies a bit of
natural law and makes the mind boggle:
http://www.canal96.com/things/tongue/
I could do
things with that... as best as I recall. Isn't
there something a person can do with things like that?
I dunno. Lost in the archives of history.
Sort of like Captain Kangaroo.
 I
leave two weeks from today for the GH Fan Weekend in
Studio City, just North of Hollywood. I went
two years ago and it was such great fun. The
finances wouldn't allow it last year, sadly, but
this year, things came together so that it could
happen, with the help of a few friends. In
some ways, all that time to myself is a little
overwhelming (ahhh). We'll be busy rushing
from event to event most of the time, so there'll be
very little kick back time or alone time (although
I'd love it), but I'll be gone from Friday through
Sunday. I wish it was a week. I'll miss
the kids, but I really do need this and lots more
like it. Got my camera ready, so you'll see
lots of pictures and hear lots of wandering stories.
 
Eric is all
geared up for his plunge into single parenthood for
a weekend. He always does extremely well for a
few days at a time (like when I went back to Ky when
my mother died). He doesn't do any under
cleaning at all, but keeps things surface clean and
the kids safe and calls it a success.
Sometimes, I wish he could actually get the full
effect. A few days does little more than show
him how easy I've got it. Of course, the fact
is that lately, my life has been pretty easy.
I've been cleaning the house, but not doing as much
laundry as I should (no underwear? do a load
of whites!) and today, I did very little cleaning.
It was kind of the Ferris Bueller approach of "how
could I possibly be expected to clean house on a
beautiful day like today??" Maybe he'll clean
everything for me while I'm gone.
>:< I had
such a let down recently! I've been following
the first season of "The Dead Zone" DVD's from
Netflix and I was just bowled over by how really,
really good it was. The acting, the directing,
the writing were all just superb. As a major
fan of both the Stephen King book and the first
moving, starring the Mucho Delicioso Christopher
Walken, I met the series with more than a good bit
of skepticism. The pilot itself totally won be
over because of how awesome a production it was.
The following 10-12 episodes I watched also
absolutely did not disappoint...until the last
episode.
It started in a
story that was covered in the book and movie, but
not in the series: the candidacy of the so
eeeeevil Greg Stillson. In the book and movie,
Johnny, our psychic protagonist, sees that if
elected to the presidency, Stillson will cause a
nuclear disaster. In an effort to stop him,
Johnny ends up killing Stillson and being killed
himself in the process. Since he was dying
anyway of a brain bleed, we were OK with that.
In the series, however, it seemed to be leading up
to something big and the final episode culminated
with the minister (played by David Ogden Stiers,
Charles Winchester, III from MASH) engaging Johnny
into Stillson's campaign, seconds after Johnny has
seen the future.
The minister
stands between Stillson and Johnny, raises their
hands in pre-victory and Johnny cuts Stillson a
look. The end. Roll credits. Last
DVD in the series so far. I started looking on
the net for episode guides and evidently, between
those seasons was when the show shifted networks,
either from USA to SciFi or vice versa and the next
recorded episodes totally ignore that previous
episode!! How am I NOT supposed to know
how this ended?? (Pfft, just like this, I
guess!) That, followed by my disappointment
over the movie "Session 9" (HAZMAT removal team,
abandoned mental hospital with a history... what's
not to love? The movie, that's what.) followed
by my immense disappointment in the book "Little
Altars Everywhere" by Rebecca Wells (Ya-Ya fame),
has left me seriously wanting in the literary realm.
I'm looking at
this webset and thinking about poor Esther at the
top, waiting around every day for the man of her
dreams. As an old woman, I can full advise
Esther against this and encourage her to instead
work on the life of her dreams and see if the man of
her dreams turns up in it.
Then I'm looking
at the lady below who is shelling out the rabbits
and somehow I do feel I can relate to her. Not
sure how yet. Disturbing? Nah.
It's the dreams. :)
Tomorrow night,
we celebrate Full Moon, dancing around the fire wid
me gurls and celebrating life and love and nature.
For now, it's
time to go try and snooze for a bit before picking
up things in the house to make it look cleanish and
presentable.
Or not.
Much love and
wishes for an absolutely STELLAR weekend!!
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