About Life, the Universe and Everything
October 18, 2005
My
horoscope on Yahoo today says:
What a
difference a day makes. You can go from being so sad you can't see any way out
of it to being so happy you're ready to believe you'll never, ever stop
feeling this way. Like it or not, though, as they say, change is the only
constant -- and at this point, it may be your only constant. Of course,
there's one thing you can do to absolutely ensure a happy ending: Adjust your
attitude. That's what makes the real difference.
As a
rule, I'm not sold on generic horoscopes, but this one (and one last week)
really spoke to me. Overall, I consider myself to be a fairly happy,
joyful person and I am careful about to whom I give the power to upset me on
any level. That's why I don't have many friends who I take deeply to my
heart, I suppose. I just got hurt too many times and now I'm really
careful about where I place my trust.
Of
course, the people who hold the greatest power to hurt me are my husband and
my children. My older kids know pretty well how to push my buttons,
mostly because of my wishy-washiness and inconsistency as a mom when they were
growing up. It is my hope that my younger children will not have as much
ammo to use against me as they get older. I pretty much left myself wide
open with the older 3. With any luck, this batch of kiddies will not
feel as insecure and uncertain about me and my parenting.
Yesterday was a great day. Eric came home midday with chicken alfredo,
breadsticks and salad from Olive Garden. We ate upstairs and got about 4
episodes into the Deep Space Nine TiVo stockpile. After that, he and I
went about our own activities for most of the late afternoon and evening, but
somewhere around 7pm, things got weird and a very civil, but very hurtful
argument ensued. It was unresolved to the point that I chose to sleep on
the couch so I could think and pray and try to work out my brain a little on
it. I went up around 2am and got into my own bed and slept well.
Things were still unsettled when he left around 6am today, but seem to be
working their way out after a good talk by phone. Sometimes, we need to
communicate by phone to hear each other. I think maybe that is because
right after we first met, he had to return to Sacramento while I was still in
Idaho, so most of our formative conversations took place by phone. Also,
we are always aware of the presence of the kids when we are arguing, which
makes us a little uncomfortable. We do not hide the fact that we are
arguing from our children, but we have to be respectful in how we speak to one
another, even in an argument (especially in an argument) and allow the kids to
also see that we reach a resolution and that we still very much love each
other. I agree with what Dr Phil says, "When you argue in front of your
children, you change who they are," but I think in some ways, that change can
be positive. When a parent takes every argument behind closed doors so
the kids don't think you ever disagree, I feel it gives them an unreasonable
and unrealistic view of marriage and relationships. Married people are
going to argue and too many people do not know how to do it right or do it
well. It's important to stick to the topic and not go wandering down
tangent roads. It's important to not allow the conversation to
degenerate to meanness, insults and name calling. It's important to stay
away from generalizations like, "You always... and you never..." It's
important to let kids know that when people live in the same house, they will
not always get along and to show them how to "use their words" and resolve
conflict appropriately. So sometimes, when you argue in front of your
children, you teach them and that definitely changes who they are, just not
necessarily in a bad way.
Another premise Eric and I agreed upon a while back (not nearly long enough)
is that we will not hold the marriage hostage to the idea of divorce. We
do not say things like, "Well, just leave, then" or "Then get a divorce!"
Our standard is that the marriage will stay intact and with the option of
divorce off the table, that leaves the only option to be offering negotiations
on both parts until we find a compromise that will work. It may sound
idyllic and sometimes, we fall short, but it's the goal to which we aspire.
We're getting better at it all the time. But wow, sometimes, he can get
some very civilized zingers in there that really, really hurt.
I
won't say that, as per the horoscope, I am "so sad I can't see a way out of
it," (not yet, anyway) but the sadness was definitely there. Now, I just
want to sleep.
But
sadly, I have a house to clean and want to get some work done on my novel.
Yet, the couch calls. It is such a whorish vixen siren.
[C'mon, Dianna, just do it! We'll have fun!] <------- Private note
I'm
off to referee the war between house cleaning and napping. Right now,
napping has the lead!
October 17, 2005
I just
had to laugh. After I did my journal entry for Friday, complaining about
being on the phone all day that week, especially Thursday, my phones promptly
went out for the whole day. Now THAT is service!
Delena's friend did not come and get her dog this weekend, so we still have 2
puppies in the hole (Baby has been inside with us pretty much full time).
I woke up Saturday morning around 6am to hear the rain pouring down outside.
It was glorious. I grabbed the flashlight (already dark at 6am!) and
went out to close the car windows and check on the little girls in the hole.
They were all snuggled and dry down in the hole, so I made sure their plywood
lean to was well adjusted and crawled back into bed with the hubby for lovey
hubby moments, listening to the rain. He fell back asleep and I drowsed
for a while. Around 9am, Baby started fussing the way she does when she
wants to visit the sister, plus they needed to be fed, so Delena went out into
the rain, which had toned down from torrents to just a light mist by this
time, and returned right away saying the puppies were gone! Holy Cruella
DeVille! We searched for about 45 minutes, trying to figure out what
could have happened to them. Finally, around 10:30, Eric went to ask the
neighbors if they'd seen them and it turned out that they had taken them into
their house to keep them from getting all wet. So puppies were safe and
sound and we were very grateful.
In our
own inside puppy world, JoBu has made it clear that the puppy pads are not for
him. He wants to pee and poop outside (fine for me!), even though he's
hardly ever been outside in his life. So I'm puppy training myself,
meaning every hour or so, I have to remember to take them out (Baby too) until
they figure out to let me know they have to go. JoBu has cried to go out
a couple of times, so he's getting it.
Here
are pictures of my babies"
JoBu (left) and Baby (right)
Baby in front, JoBu in back
I give
up. So how does THIS happen?
I spent
most of yesterday cleaning, going through the kids' room, going through
Delena's clothes (she was MERCENARY and got out a huge lawn and leaf garbage
bag of stuff she doesn't plan to wear, Goddess bless'er), working on laundry
that needed to be done, catching up on kitchen cleaning (for some reason, and
I don't mean to appear ungrateful, but whenever anyone "does the dishes" for
me any more, the pots and pans always stay unwashed on the stove... gift horse
and all that, but damn) and generally getting the house presentable.
Decided to stay up last night and get the EOS columns I'd received posted
instead of doing them this morning. That leaves me with a ton of laundry
to finish, a call to make to the title company to make sure they have all of
the documentation they need to proceed with a closing tomorrow and a fairly
clean house with just a general once over to be done.
All in
all, it sounds like a great day.
Eric
and I went out to the circle out back for Full Moon last night around 8:00pm
and it was really glorious. The moon was just high enough to see it over
the trees, big and fat and full of promise. The temperature was nice and
only a bit nippy... just enough for the season. I was surprised because
the woods around us had a very eerie quality to them and they are always
really friendly to the point of being downright skippity. I mentioned it
to Eric and he was feeling the same thing. It was really cool, given the
closeness to Halloween, for it to be a little creepy. Loved it.
The energy was really pure and strong from the Blood Moon. Historically,
because the moon hangs on the horizon for so long both last month and this
month, the light was used for work, extending the work day that has been cut
increasingly short since Summer Solstice. The Harvest Moon was used to
bring in more harvest under its light and the Blood Moon, rather morbidly, was
used to extend the day of slaughter, when the livestock that was not strong
enough to make it through the coming winter were killed off (the culling of
the herd). Our ancestors knew it would be a waste to continue to feed animals
that would not likely live through the cold times, so they took care of
business now rather than having to deal with dead animals in the snow and ice.
For us, it begins the process of getting rid of things in our life that no
longer serve us and will be depleting our energy over the next few months.
Since the Sun is in Libra, we use the energy of the scales to balance out our
lives, especially our energy output and to achieve emotional balance for the
descent into the dark of the year when we will be resting, learning more about
ourselves and turning inward. With this month's Full Moon occurring in
Taurus (around 6pm EST), that adds an energy of attunement to the creature
comforts of life and sheer determination and will power. It's a real
toss-up as to who is more stubborn, the Taurus Bull or the Capricorn Goat, but
I have to give the Bull the edge. So that's a lot of transitional power
associated with this moon and we were really feeling it last night! It
was great!
The
presence of Fall is so strong now. The air is crisp and cool, the day
are so noticeably shorter and the trees are just now (finally) starting to
turn. I love this time of year. The onset of Spring and the onset
of Fall are my two favorite times of year. Both are filled with their
own special kinds of promise and new beginnings, even though they are the
opposite ends of the spectrum. Spring brings the sparkling hope of new
beginnings, the fullness of promises yet to come and the return into the
light. Autumn brings the wonderful feeling of closure, of endings, of
purification and of unshackling from our burdens and obstacles. Whatever
is holding us back from our own success, from being our best selves is brought
into stark focus and we are called, just as our ancestors were called under
the blood moon, to sacrifice what we have been shown is holding us back from
our own greatest good. To carry it with us into the dark of the year is
to continue feeding our own failure, our own encumbrances, our own
unhappiness. There is even a moon set up (next one, in fact) called "The
Mourning Moon" where, a month out from letting go of these things, we take a
special time to mourn their loss. Even the things that hold us back and
throw us off course from our own destiny and greatest good can be dear to us
and it is natural to mourn their loss. The more I explore the process of
following the natural flow of the year, the more sense it makes to me on a
deeply psychological level. I love it.
Just
spoke with Chick At The Title Company and she called the lender and verified
that everything is proceeding as planned with the refinancing. They are
waiting on a verification from our insurance company, but they expect the loan
to fund tonight. That means by tomorrow, this could all be over.
What a happy Full Moon. :)
Much love,
