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November 16, 2004 Tahoe was good, but I was really exhausted and that put a serious damper on things. We had guests until about 2:30 that morning and I had to get up with kids at 5:30. On the way, Eric, bless his heart, was very chatty, so no snoozing. Around about 5pm, I really hit the wall and could hardly hold my eyes open. Gambling was OK. We left about $60 down, including a really nice buffet dinner, etc, so that's not bad. Not as good as usual, but as I said, I was off my game a bit. We still really loved being together and it made me crave more alone time, which isn't really a possibility. We were both out of sorts yesterday, just feeling tired and uneasy. I didn't do much at all. In fact, I can't remember much of anything I did. I'm tired today. Slept on the couch because I guess I was snoring and bothering Eric. The couch wasn't comfortable for the first time in a long time. Some support on the bottom kept gouging me. I don't feel as caterwonky today, but I'm still not myself. I can feel the tired in my brain and my house is a disaster that needs to be seriously managed. Laundry is also behind. I miss my good feeling, but such is a cycle of life. Things keep coming up that have to be dealt with and the triage itself is almost more effort than I feel like I can expend. I'll do some spellwork to get some energy and balance things out a bit. I don't really have much to say. It seems like everywhere I turn there is some fire to put out, some feathers to smooth down or some owie to kiss.
Kiss me mother kiss
your darlin' I miss having a mom. I miss being able to rest. I know it's coming (not the mom, but the rest) and I'm just reacting to being in the fray. Some days, it just seems like too much. Sometimes, the eternal praying for a good Christmas, for enough to get by, for more than enough to get by just feels like more than what I am up for. I'm just weary. Even though things are 98% better than they have been at any other time in the past many years, it still feels like I'm forever having to pull some rabbit out of my hat, keep the spirits up and make everything OK. Now, I'm just weary. Weary with Christmas right around the corner and not one gift acquired yet. Weary with a hard Winter right around the corner. Weary with a house to clean. Weary with Dylan unable to find out what the password is to get on the pirate ship in Zelda the Windwaker for Gamecube. I hoped the trip to Tahoe would refresh me, but the combination of being tired coupled with an overwhelming urge to gobble it up like a starving person at an all you can eat buffet until I was sick and puking kind of took the punch out of it. I can't expect a day trip or a few hours' sleep to save me from this. I have to find a way to give this to myself. Yes, I am taking my Remifemin. It's not the hormones this time. It's something that needs adjust inside me, I just have to find the trigger or the control panel or whatever. For now, I think a week or two of holing up all alone, watching TV, thinking, eating good food, crying a great deal, feeling God inside me again (or a God, whatever) and crying some more is in order. Yeah, that'll happen. For now, whining must cease. If you don't hear from me for a while, presume I am healing and getting much happier.
love, November 14, 2004 Hurray! Hubby day! Eric and I will be leaving out in about 2 hours to go to Lake Tahoe for the day! It's been a solid 2 months+ since we were alone together and I'm tremendously excited about this. Yesterday was our 7th wedding anniversary and although it had its challenges, all in all, it was a good day. Both Eric and I were very, very tired, which made us a little tense, but we were able to navigate the waters without getting into anything close to an argument. There were several key moments where it was obvious that one of us was frustrated with the other one, but each time, we were able to quickly pull out of it and get back to a cuddly place without having it escalate. This morning, I was gluing on my nails (I am one of the lucky folks for whom press on nails are a perfect fit, so I just glue those puppies on with super glue and look like I spent bucks on a good manicure), got some glue on my fingers, wiped my face and promptly glued my face shut. I blame it on lack of sleep. It was nearly 3am by the time I got to bed (for the second night in a row) and I had to get up with kids at 6:30. Eeep! I do NOT do well on a lack of sleep. Evidently, I also glue my face shut. Since I wiped down beside my nose, I instantly got a severe head rush from the fumes. A huffer, I am not. Now, the whole side of my face is crispy and I am trying to get it somewhat back to normal. Moisturizer is helping. Now, an hour since I started this, Eric has gone to get David, his meatloaf is in the oven (payment, along with 2 2 liter bottles of Mountain Dew, for babysitting) and it's almost time for the day to begin officially. Not much to add. Just checking in. :) Hope your weekend is going swimmingly! Love, November 11, 2004 Bored with the angel already. Time for a fairy. It seems that 2-3 days tends to be my limit on websets. I hoped to find one I could stick with for a while, but they tend to start to wear on me. Today feels as though it has gone on forever. It's still rainy, which is fine until I have to go out in it to get wood. :) I love the rain. I'd like for it to clear up by Saturday and be warmer so we can work outside for New Moon. Even though I put the circle to sleep for the winter, I wouldn't mind giving it a little nudge awake now and then. I dearly love working magick outside in nature. It's one of the best things about living up here. I did actually get the carpets shampooed yesterday and they look lovely. I would have liked to have gotten to the boys' room and Delena's, but that pretty much requires seeing the floor, which wasn't the case. Construction knows no holidays (or if it does know them, you sure don't get paid for staying home), so Eric is working all day and the kids are home. They are being very needy and fighting a good bit, which is unusual for them. They are normally very self-sufficient and amiable these days. I'm a little edgy and tired today for reasons I don't immediately understand. I slept pretty well and again went to sleep before 8:45 pm. I actually remember my dream, which is an oddity any more (I am still convinced it's the rotation of the bed from a North to South position in the old house to a West to East position in this house). I was at a high school reunion and everyone was taking turns standing up and telling what they had accomplished since graduation. I had to pee in a desperate kind of way and knew there were several names to go before it was my turn. I was there on my own without Eric or anyone else. I went to pee, but when I returned to the dining room where everyone was gathered, I couldn't find the door to get in. When I finally did, my name had been passed over and I'd missed my chance to tell everyone what I'd accomplished, what had happened to me. When I returned, everything was pretty much over. I looked around for old friends and connected with a few. One was my best friend in High School, Paula Phelps. I haven't been able to find her since I left home. She married and her name changed. Ditto Maria Atkins, a friend since grade school. Also Ava Thomas, who died a few years back. It was great to see them, if only in a dream. They'd aged appropriately, but were still very recognizable as my old, dear friends. I wanted to cry seeing them again. Even now, with the gift of the dream so clear in my mind (for a change), it makes me tear up. Of course, the general message of the dream is obvious. One point is that I must have some fears of my accomplishments being lost in the fray of life and time. Sending out the book likely spurred that one. I originally wrote it 12 years ago and in rereading it, I was stunned by how bad it was. I always considered it to be one of my best pieces and it was very angry, very disjointed and had lots of errors. I spent the better part of a week rewriting it, formatting it in the way the publisher wants to receive it, drawing up an index, a glossary, a table of contents, etc. It will finally be mailed tomorrow and even though I know it's a better product than it was, I still have feelings of exposure and vulnerability associated with it. As fate would have it, I received two new Tarot books to review yesterday. They are both written much better than mine by a long shot, but there are also plenty published by the same company that aren't as good as mine. So we'll just have to see. The other message is that people and friends are more important than accomplishments. I've spent a good bit of time on my own in the past few years, only really interacting with my own family and people online. Maybe this is saying I need to have more dealings with people who live outside of a box on my desk. Processing all of this is likely what has me antsy today. Usually, when something like this is cooking in my brain, I want to go to bed, sleep, think and be alone. That's not particularly possible for a stay-at-home mom (especially on a school holiday), so I'll likely sneak away after Eric gets home, pull the covers over my head and only breathe my own air for a while. A few tidbits: I took a test to determine to what level of hell (ala Dante) I am doomed. It appears I have only made it to the second. The Dante's Inferno Test has banished you to the Second Level of Hell!
Take the Dante's Inferno Hell Test
1. IF YOU COULD BUILD A SECOND HOUSE
ANYWHERE, WHERE WOULD IT BE?
Hmmm. Maybe Kentucky, where I'm from. Houston, where I have several friends. Victoria, Canada, where Joe lives. Sacramento, which I do love. 2. WHAT'S YOUR FAVORITE ARTICLE OF CLOTHING? My blue fleece robe 3. THE LAST CD YOU BOUGHT? The soundtrack from the Buffy episode, "Once More With Feeling" for Delena. Before that, Dr Phil's "Relationship Rescue" on CD. 4. WHAT TIME DO YOU WAKE UP IN THE MORNING? 5:30am 5. WHAT'S YOUR FAVORITE MOVIE? O Brother, Where Art Thou 6. IF YOU COULD PLAY AN INSTRUMENT, WHAT WOULD IT BE?  A drum like these 7. WHAT'S YOUR FAVORITE COLOR? Very deep colors - Deepest black, red, blue, green, purple... 8. WHICH DO YOU PREFER, SPORTS CAR OR SUV? SUV 9. DO YOU BELIEVE IN AFTERLIFE? Not sure yet, still debating. 10. FAVORITE CHILDREN'S BOOK? Hand, Hand, Finger, Thumb 11. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE SEASON? Spring or Fall, I couldn't possibly choose. 12. IF YOU COULD HAVE ONE SUPER POWER, WHAT WOULD IT BE? To divide into 2 (or more) different me's with the same mind, sharing the experiences they all have. I'd also love to be able to make shit appear whenever I want it (money, food, people, etc). 13. IF YOU HAVE A TATTOO, WHAT IS IT? A butterfly on my left boob and a butterfly on my left wrist above my watch. Not sure what the left thing was about. It's just how it landed. Ditto the butterfly thing. 14. CAN YOU JUGGLE? Um, no. 15. THE ONE PERSON FROM YOUR PAST YOU WISH YOU COULD GO BACK AND TALK TO? My ex-husband, but he'd have to sit calmly and talk to me and not get all wiggy. I'd also love to talk to my mother, my father and my grandparents again (all dead). 16. WHAT'S YOUR FAVORITE DAY? Every day. 17. WHAT'S IN THE TRUNK OF YOUR CAR? We have a jeep, so no trunk, but it's full of Eric's work crap. 18. Sushi OR HAMBURGER? Hamburger. Ick on the raw fish.
God, if only. What a life I have. Have a great day!
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