People Who Look Like Real People
By Katrina Rasbold
Having been to a fan event here and there and with a discerning eye turned to the TV, I can tell you that my impression is that the majority of actors on soaps do what they do for a very good reason. Not only are most of them gifted with acting talent...they just look to pretty to be real. Granted, some of that is good make-up (Examples), but mostly, they are just way too gorgeous for real life. The first time I saw A Martinez, John J York, Cameron Mathison, Ingo Rademacher, Catherine Hickland (the list could go on and on), they were just *too* pretty. I stood and gaped like an idiot because they were the most beautiful humans I'd ever seen. They DESERVED to be on a mass media contraption like film or TV just so other lesser-looking humans could see them.
Then there is the hoard of beautiful people who have been pulled, nipped, tucked, stretched, sucked and lasered to make sure they become even more beautiful and stay that way. Some people in daytime (and I shan't name any names) no doubt once breastfed with the skin that is currently on their forehead. When you hear that an actress (although the guys do this too) is in reality about 60 and has been stretched to that odd, seamless, porcelain doll look, you'll know what I'm talking about. I'm not saying it's not their prerogative and I'm surely not saying there's something wrong with cosmetic surgery! If I had their bucks, people would forget what I originally looked like. There'd be enough fat liposucked out of me to light the lamps of an Eskimo village for the next 50 years, my boobs would be perkier than a terrier's ears and enough skin would be removed from my body to supply a burn unit with grafting skin indefinitely. I'd live on Percodan for the post surgical pain for a few weeks, during which time, I'd get used to my new gastric bypass surgery and the minimal amount of food I can now eat.
Back in the real world, this column is specific to those folks that I, Katrina, feel I would not make me think twice if I saw in certain situations in my own world rather than in Starsville. Ignore their storyline. Ignore the character's personality...just look at the person.
Bank Chick. Not the one that is your basic "have a nice day" teller, but the one who appears when the brain of basic teller freezes up when you tell them something (doesn't that make ME the teller?) or when they are trying to hide that "Yikes" look they get when your account finally flashes on their screen. Especially now that her hair is shorter, I can totally see it. (We won't even discuss "Bank Chick with a brain tumor removed." Did she look like real folks or WHAT?"
Couldn't help it. From the first minute I saw him, he looked almost identical to my late Uncle Lindley. The newly bleached hair is definitely giving him more star quality, even if it is a bit jarring.
Dye that hair blue and put her in a pew at Red Hill Baptist Church. I'd never dream she was a legendary soap star.
And here's the minister
(as opposed to David Canary)
I could so see him as a loving janitor at a day care center. (not a creepy one)
The irony here is that my Uncle Lindley's last name was Mitchell and he had a brother named James. This James Mitchell needs a hunter green apron, that big smile and a mister in his hand at my favorite grocery store.
That bitch cheerleader from high school. Grrrr.
My algebra teacher
ROBERT S WOODS
Yeah, I know he had a facelift, but where is it now, huh? Senior Master Sergeant Buchanan, US Air Force, 47th Munitions Maintenance Squadron
Home Economics teacher. Can you see that picture in a yearbook or what?
Librarian. The one that has been there forever.
First Grade Teacher
Your dad's supervisor at the chair caning company that he goes out drinking with on Friday nights and who is sometimes sleeping on your couch on Saturday morning when you want to watch cartoons but they yell at you and tell you that they are going to fire your dad and nail you to a crossbeam in the attic if you don't get your brat ass back into your room in 15 seconds flat then they smile and deny it when confronted and your parents believe it because dad needs the job and then you have intensive therapy for many of your adult years before Dr Phil tells you for free that you can't let the boss on the couch control you any more.
The most fun friend you could ever bar hop with and the keeper of all of your darkest secrets.
The friend whose solution to any relationship woe you lay on her is "I'd kick his ass to the curb."
*sigh* The one who was a little nerdy in high school and had this giant crush on you and you humored him and had fun with him and he asked you to the prom and you said yes and he was really nice about it when the "cool guy" asked you to the prom as well and you went with the cool guy who never asked you out again, but things weren't the same with nerdy guy and he was really hurt and somehow, you drifted apart and then after high school, he lost the thick glasses for contacts, went through a growth spurt, let his hair grow out and invented some little pixel enhancer for Microsoft and now drives a Ferrari and can't remember your name.
JACOB YOUNG AND COLTIN SCOTT
When I first saw these guys, I stared for a different reason...to see if it really was that person. I totally understand expressing one's inner self, breaking from the star mode and the Cassadine suits and all that, but these guys were at a fan event dressed like street urchins and looked like bagboys at Albertson's. Our Abbie from GH Lines of the Week looked way more like a movie/TV star than either of them. And Jacob Young tried to grab her ass.
Irony at work again. To me, he looks like a doctor or maybe a pharmacist.
"You want fries with that?"
Remember the friend that Denise Alexander was? This is her husband and they are the couple you and your husband play pinochle with every Sunday afternoon. He drinks Heineken and laughs at all of your jokes and has a really special twinkle in his eye and lord, if it wasn't for that "No friends' husbands and no husband's friends" oath you took..."
Everyone else on the shows? Pfft. Bag'em and tag'em...they're just too pretty to live in our world!