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February 16, 2004

Welcome to another week of Scoop-a-holics.  Those of us who are truly addicted to scoops have been in serious withdrawal lately as the airtight clamp down on ABC soaps has limited truly phenomenal news from finding daylight.  Other than basic spoilers, not much is out there in the way of gossip to report.  Still, play we must!

I mean, what would we do otherwise?

Yes, you heard correctly, Comcast pulled a Jasper Jax and attempted a hostile bid take over on Disney this week.  Who'da thought?  My own cable company could own ABC!  Eisner said, "Pfft, no."  Comcast moved on to the board of directors who scoffed at the $54 bil bid and said they'd consider a higher offer.  If a takeover does happen, the combined companies would edge out the mega-giant, Time-Warner in value.  I'll bet they could afford to give the Labines work if that happened!

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AMC 

Tom Cudahy = Richard Shoberg = March 10-11th.

On February 29th around 6pm, ex-Anna Devane, Finola Hughes, will be dishing it out over the fashions on the red carpet at the 76th Annual Academy Awards.  Hughes now hosts "How Do I Look?" on the Style network.

Blonde bombshell, Marc Menard has been relieved of the role of Boyd Laraby, yet another puppy flanking to Kendall's side for months now.  Seeing that the character was basically going nowhere, Menard asked to be released and his request was granted.  Menard has been in the role since December 2002

Taking down the eye candy level even further comes the news that Jackson's right hand man, aggressive lawyer, Justin "Johnny Depp Called and He Wants His Hair Back" McCoy will be leaving the DA's office.  Dax Griffin was let go from the role, being told the dismissal is storyline dictated.  No final airdates for either have been given.

Cross overs.  Babe.  Paul... zzzz.

On Friday, we can finally learn who killed Michael Cambias.  Erica thinks she is the murderer because she can't account for time that night and Tad ups the ante by telling her that a person matching her description was seen at Michael's condo.  The real kicker comes when Bianca informs Kendall and Erica that she herself killed Michael.  She was at the penthouse with Reggie guarding her and when he fell asleep, she took his gun.  The question, of course, is did she really do it?  We'll know for sure on Friday.

Two more departures set to come from AMC as powers that be have been told to trim down yet again.  One is said to be a surprise veteran.

John Callahan has signed his contract and the writers are moving full ahead with a heavy Maria and Edmunch story.  Anita Santos comes to town this week and the first person she encounters is Aidan, who has a flat tire.  Seems the powers that be are looking to rebuild the Santos family again.  I heard that an offer for return has been extended to Mark Consuelos, with or without busy wife, Kelly Ripa.  The writers figure it would be easy to keep Hayley busy with the show in California while bringing Mateo back for a while if Ripa isn't interested.  Consuelos has wrapped up filming on "The Legend of Butch and Sundance" with GH's Coleman, Blake Gibbons.  Consuelos is seen to the left with Ripa, who is giving him a very public happy birthday wish.  Silly Kelly... you're supposed to whisper it in his ear, honey.  He can't hear you down there!!

As her jealousy intensifies, Maggie accuses Lena of being the Cambias killer.

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OLTL

Maven of style and ABC soap traveler, Linda Dano, will be taking her leave of the network that shuttled her through all four soaps during the "Who's the daddy" story of 2001.  Despite the fact that Rae will survive her encounter with the Music Box Killer (can that guy kill ANYbody any more?), aka Dr Stephen Haver, Dano will be pulling up roots soon.  Although rumors persist that Dano will simply be migrating to GH, I'm assured there are no intentions of such a move and that she will be completely vacating ABC.  Dano is eager to spread her wings and try something new after 5 years in the rekindled role of Rae (previously known as Gretel) Cummings.  Since Haver had Jenn, couldn't kill her, had Sarah/Flash, couldn't kill her and had Rae and couldn't kill her, one has to think we were robbed since he certainly managed to do in poor Gabrielle.  No justice in the soap world.

Many fans were asking about the songs "Simply Red" performed on the show.  They were titled "Sunrise" and "You Make Me Feel Brand New," both of which are on the new album titled "Home Limited Edition."  If you recognize the latter of the two, it was first done in 1974 by the Stylistics and later by Roberta Flack.

Todd learns the jury's verdict a week from tomorrow and he does go to prison, but Blair's shocking (pfft) diagnosis that Friday may well change things for them.

Jenn starts to get more and more pissy as she again catches Lindsay in a liplock with Rex.  She turns to rebel without a clue, Riley once again.

Supposedly, a prominently featured couple requested to be paired with others or no one in an effort to take the steam off the ruffled feathers that have sprouted up between the two.  As a result, we should see a sudden un-pairing very soon.   It's definitely not Robin Strasser and Tuc Watkins, who are pleased as punch to be playing the happiest couple on OLTL, Dorian and David.

Although there was a good bit of talk about killing off Ben after he woke up from his coma, the powers that be reconsidered at the last minute, deciding to leave the door open for a return via recast or Derwin return.  Since "Life With Bonnie" shows no sign of tanking, it is likely that the brief nugget we've had will be the only taste we'll get for a while.

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GH

The latest info I have says that despite rumors that are afoot to the contrary, Robin Christopher's pregnancy will NOT be written into the storyline for Skye.  Writers intend to remain *gasp* consistent and uphold the history created on AMC that Skye is unable to conceive or would be unable to carry to term if she did. 

Watch for Cynthia Preston and Greg Vaughan on tomorrow's airing of "Pyramid" in the "Good Versus Evil Soap Stars" theme.

By all accounts, issues with Greg Vaughan have been worked out.  The actor will be remaining on GH and will see an increase in air time over the coming weeks, perhaps even getting a story if things continue as they are now.  Despite denials from his camp, I hear it was touch and go for a while there.  Pity since he really is a very, very good actor.  His "Charmed" episodes were... well... Charming.

Liz and Ric may just become the Audrey and Steve of tomorrow.  The powers that be are well prepared to invest heavily in the couple and see them really going the distance. Ric will continue to redeem himself and become the PCPD in the absence of Mac and Scott.  Liz will incubate and the three will emerge as happy family of the show.

Not so the Q's, whose problems are just beginning.  With the reversed SORAS'ing (that's Soap Opera Rapid Aging Syndrome for you newbies) of Lila and Edward, we can expect to see more of those characters on the screen as Edward goes into the ridiculous charade of playing senile after confessing responsibility for the fire.  No real efforts are being made to hide the fact that Lynne Adams and Jed Allan (new Lila and Edward respectively) could have gone to elementary school with Leslie Charleson and Stuart Damon.  We're just supposed to suspend reality and go along with the gag.  Adams will be the second Lila, following Anna Lee after her retirement the end of March.  Allan (left) will be the fourth Edward, following in the distinguished footsteps of David Lewis, Les Tremaine and John Ingle.  Allan first airs on March 1st.  Ingle will be joining the cast of Days of Our Lives as a recast Mickey.  Sounds like he got out seconds before a real dog of a story hit.

Is she or isn't she is the question.  Conspiracy theory is that one scoop ABC did NOT want to leak out was that they had wooed back ex-Robin, Kimberly McCullough to GH.  Word leaked out after the comedy team of Guza and Pratt, the giggly and punchy co-Head Writers of GH, baited readers about a "spring story with a HUGE character from the past" that it was, indeed, McCullough.  Supposedly, GH started a massive spin campaign to discredit rrumors of a Robin return.  Now reports are divided.  Some say only the press release was faked.  Others say the whole idea of a return was false and KM has no intention of coming back to her GH roots... like... ever.  Whether it was a spin to try and coax us into believing she's not coming back, only to spring us on her in the spring remains to be seen.  My money is on no because lord knows we can't have two actresses with the initials of KM.  The message boards would be chaos.  I'm getting mixed messages from good sources, so I'm staying out of this one.

Hope you weren't expecting much from the Kristina Wagner return.  In the vein of, "Meh, it's a paycheck," the powers that be will be using her minimally during her brief return to recurring status.  Classified as "matronly" by GH after her departure (matronly coming in conjunction with a request that Wagner take a pay cut to reflect her demotion from leading lady, whereupon she gave GH a "pfft" and left) Felicia's return does not warrant the screen time of, say, Courtney, Carly, Faith, Sam or any of the nonMatrons.  Sad stuff, folks.

Barbie save dog.  Barbie get money.  Barbie get waterfront.  Barbie get power.  Barbie pay off Daddy's debts.  Barbie say no more mob stuff.  *Stare*

Fan feathers ruffled as Guza and Pratt waffled on the idea of other veterans returning, pretending as though it could happen when it won't.  They left themselves an out by saying that there are only so many character that can fit onto a canvas.  Perhaps, then, they should stop bringing new ones on to clutter things up.  Y'think?  Click here to read more of their psycho bullshit.  Lord help us.  Love in the afternoon has been replaced by Glove and a Rabid Baboon.  This all went to crap in a hat when we got men in the hotseats at ABC.  I swear to Agnes Nixon, men have about as much place in the production of soaps as they do in a maxi pad commercial.  Go race little slot cars and leave the soap operas to us, pal.  You're going to hurt yourself and us along with you.  The only place for a man in soaps is emerging from the shower in a towel and a smile.  Get a man in a position of power and pretty soon you've got junk blowing up everywhere and women chained to beds in furry handcuffs.  Freaks.  First they take over childbirth and now this.  Is nothing sacred?  Are they going to want to pimp our Massingil next?  These guys need to go back to rolling dice for charisma points with their little Cheeto-stained fingers in their mama's basement and leave soap writing to the big girls. 

If they knew frig-all about soaps, they'd know that special effects and exploding buildings aren't what intrigues the soap viewer.  Give us intense interpersonal relationships, friendships, families, a whole lot of romance with a lusty build up (not bed hopping Sam) and some good old-fashioned baby switching and we don't care if the special effects are on par with "Plan X From Outer Space." 

And that, my friends, is that for this Monday.

Take care and have a wonderful week.

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PS:  NO!  I don't freakin know when Sonny and Carly will get back together!!
Stop asking!

PSS:  I just got accused of being a Femi-nazi.  I'm not even a Remifemi-nazi.  Those who know me would seriously laugh at the idea.  Number 1, I don't watch or follow any soaps other than ABC, so what happens on another network doesn't really mean anything to me and I can neither attest to it nor bitch about it effectively.  All I know is I would take 100 JFP's and Wendy Riche's over this mansoap pubescent fantasy crap.  Like I just told an online pal, "It's like Beavis and Butthead took over my soaps and won't give them back."

"Heh hmm heh heh hmm mm heh heh... She's a WHORE."  "Don't make me kick your ass, Pratt.  She's not a whore, she's a SLUT."  "Heh heh hmm. Hmm. Right Guza, she's a slut."  "Huh uh mm huh.  Let's blow something up."  "Cool."

Speaking at 1am when I finished up the above column, I am not quite as articulate as I am at 7am, so let me rephrase in a more genteel fashion by quoting my response to an irate reader who wrote to give me a thrashing for being a bigot:

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