The Sage Opera Digest Awards

Well, as you know, the Soap Opera Digest Awards just aired and I've never been so grateful to NOT have SoapNet in my life. Just looking at the few pics that are available made me think that the networks cut everyone's salaries and they were forced to forage in the Goodwill Store drop boxes for duds to wear ("We didn't know it was stillin'!" - and if you got that, you get the tin star award for watching way too many episodes of "Cops"). I just finished reading my Darling Kate's review of the show that I didn't get to see to confirm what I'd whiffed from other folks. These damned people just have no taste at all. Yeah, I know this ain't the Emmy Awards and it's the sort to them what the MTV music awards is to the Grammies, but Dood! Trouble yerself with a jacket and maybe a stab at combing your fur, fer cryin out loud.

I'm looking at clothes horse, Vanessa Marcil chirping about having to pee and all I can think about is that ANY day, including the one where she dressed out of the lost and found box on the Peds ward of GH, she was gussied up better than this. Jeans and... a tunic, I guess? I wanna see some underwear here, Chickie!! WHERE THE HELL IS THE UNDERWEAR? No B&D get up? No flopping sleeves? C'mon, Nessa, bring something in from Paris or at least perform some destructo art on a Harley Davidson t-shirt. Nah, this will not do. I'm going to dress her in something else and pretend she wore this to the show instead of this half-baseball, half PTA meeting outfit). I swear, it's like those books from where I was a kid where you cut the pages into thirds and trade different tops with unlikely bottoms. Nah, she needs to rock for her golden exit into motherhood so SHABOOFO! Now she's wearing this ---------->

Yeah baby! That's more like it!! I'd much rather bitch about her skirt being too wickedly short than about her looking like a frump.

OK, so who's next on the slice and dice? Sorry to step on your toes here, Dayna, but well, it had to be said.

Personally, I like the Xena Warrior Princess look on Lisa, but Ty's yawning, probably because he's WEARING A DOCKERS DISASTER!!!! I say we dress him better right away before we go blind looking at him in this checkerboard colored monstrosity. Magically, Badda Bing, Badda Boom! he's wearing this ------->

No difference, you say? I beg to differ. First, if you have to ask what's different, you don't deserve to know. But bein's as how I'm feeling generous, I'll tell ya. It's because this converts over to the lower right pic in nothing flat. Two smooth moves and we're there. It's the velcro tabs over buttons that make all the difference in the world. We all know what a giver Ty is in the department of taking off the shirt in the first place and I'm personally betting he'd be happy to oblige.

Since Guza and JFP are no doubt rubbing Chapstick over one another's' asses from all of the butt smoochin that went on with that awards show, I have to take this moment to attack their motley bunch, dragged on stage by the proverbial cat from the looks of it. Ric Hearst looks pretty decent, as does Cynthia Preston (who really just looks damned happy to be there). Wally Kurth looks like he raided Bea Arthur's wardrobe (or maybe Rerun from "What's Happenin") and Jill Farren Phelps displays her usual cutting edge fashion savvy in something that finally proves out what happened to GH. She sold her soul to Satan and a half hour before she had to leave for the ceremony, he popped up and demanded his due, which was that she wear Mrs. Satan's negligee on stage to accept the award... and like it. I tell ya, Lucifer drives a hard bargain, but there is no other way this piece of turd show won the coveted plexiglass heart for "Favorite Show." Is this smattering really the only few GH cast members that could be bothered to turn up? The show has 35 people on cast and we get 5? Nice show of support.

Maurice Benard is dressed better than most there, but still looks like he's ready for a night drinking at Jake's instead of receiving the award he damned well knew he was going to get. Steve Burton ain't looking too shabby, but I'm going to spruce him up a bit as well. SHABAM!!! Both boys are now redressed ---- >

As most of you know, Soap Opera Digest Awards are voted on by the fans themselves, so it basically comes down to which fan base (Don't you love how they're called fan "bases" like they're little military factions on their little military camps? How sweet!) can stomp the most ballots into the box. Does it have dickety doo dah to do with talent? Who's to say since talent is (evidently) subjective and dictated by whatever fans can scream the loudest. The beauty of these awards is that you don't have to be able to spell, make full sentences, close your mouth when you're at rest and not speaking or lift your knuckles up off the floor when you walk to vote.

I sat back in my chair, stunned and amazed when I read that GH had won for Favorite Show and wondered who in the hell was funding the best awards ever purchased. Was there any way in hell that THE FANS voted GH the best soap opera on the air? Not unless JFP was shimmying into a red monstrosity that she pulled out of a bag that said, "Beelzebub's Secret" on it.

Here are my picks for the awards. Love'em, hate'em , agree, disagree... I don't care. It's just my take. Remember I only watch OLTL, GH and AMC, so the choices will be limited. If, nay, WHEN you find yourself saying, "Pfft, wait a second... that can't be because..." just still your mind and fill it with, "Sage Opera Digest Awards, not MY Opera Digest Awards. SAGE gets to make the rules, not MEEEE." See, you mustn't try and make it all about yourself. No questions asked!!!

OUTSTANDING LEAD ACTOR
Roscoe Born