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Time for a "check up" on
ABC's Daytime Drama and May 10, 2004 The Top 5 reasons that this week’s column will be a Top 5 Listing of some of the good, bad, and questionable things about ABC Daytime: 5: Because I wanted to do a Top 10 listing, and while finding criticism with ABC Daytime is sort of like handing out wet-naps at Banjo Bob’s All-You-Can-Eat BBQ (it never stops), with Frons in charge, I would be extremely hard-pressed to find 10 GOOD things to say about any one, particular storyline on ANY of the ABC soaps. 4: Because if I listed more than 5, the floors of the ABC Daytime writing offices would have been strewn with Playboys, crayons, Pixi Stix, yo-yos, slinkies, and whoopee cushions, since all the ABC Daytime writers would have had to drop everything in their hands so that they could count along. 3: Following #4, mass hysteria would have ensued; whose crack pipe is whose?!?! 2: Because May 5th was Cinco de Mayo; VIVA LA RAZA, mi amigos! 1: Because I want to.
The Top 5 reasons why Erica’s stint as a showgirl, while humorous in parts, is largely resulting in nationwide cringing, confused looks, and scowling 5. Hey, “Desirée”, take a good look at “Roberto’s” face…any bells ringing for you yet?! 4. So THAT’S what happens to all the stage outfits from Madonna’s world tours! 3. We’re supposed to believe that a late 40’s, 4-foot nothing novice is hotter and more highly desired in the Vegas showgirl industry, than all those young, hard-bodied, trained, tall, busty, 20-something’s? PFFT! What’s next? Greenlee‘s ordained a Saint? 2: Everyone is wondering when Susan Lucci left the role, and Tammy Wynette took over. (Note to wardrobe: Scrap those mid-morning Laffy Taffys and Black Cows, and throw those extra bucks into springing for a REAL wig, not that synthetic crap.) 1: Because it’s ERICA. She’s always good for a cringe or two.
The Top 5 reasons that Dr. Hayward should tell everyone to kiss his firm, gorgeous ass and take his considerable medical skills elsewhere: 5: Every week it seems, no matter what good, selfless, kind deed that David does, at least one character on the show has to bring up something lousy he did in his past: “I’ll be forever grateful to you for saving my life, Doc. Thanks. Oh, and by the way, you’re an ass for drugging all those people with that highly potent aphrodisiac!” 4: Yes, Tad. David and Dixie did have an affair once a time ago. Now, she’s presumed dead, and professionally, he’ll always be haunted by that whole stupid Libidizone incident. Get over it and move on. 3: Let’s see…He lost a child, which ultimately tore apart his marriage to Anna, and yet Kendall gives him hell for not wanting to jump right in again, heart on his sleeve? Yeah, like Kendall’s the Queen of Healthy Neuroses… 2: Has any of us ever seen Tad drop by David’s house with a six-pack, just to shoot the bull? What about Ryan? Ever hear Reggie invite David out to shoot some hoops with him and the boys? I’ve never even seen anyone so much as invite him to the bar for a couple beers or to shoot some pool. Honestly, the poor guy has got no real guy friends. 1: You guessed it: Erica. The Queen of Ego is even worse when it comes to David. She runs hot and cold with him; the man never knows what to expect. Most the time she ignores him or bad mouths him, but when trouble comes up or she needs a doctor, who’s the first man she runs to: David. Can anyone say “Doormat”?
The Top 5 worst things about last week’s show: 5: Green’s hair. WTF is up with the whole uncombed look lately? Is this the newest craze that’s going to hit the nation: The Wet Dog? 4: Kendall sacrificing true love because she can’t handle Greenlee’s fixation on Ryan. 3: Greenlee’s pathetic attempts at trying to convince everyone that she’s entirely innocent in the matter, and has not once tried to steal Ryan from Kendall. 2: Both Krystal and Liza know that Bess is Miranda, and yet neither of them have clued in poor, grieving Bianca. Krystal is caught between a rock and a hard place, and while I can’t entirely excuse her for not telling the truth, I can understand that she is just desperately trying to keep her own daughter from being devastated by the truth. But Liza keeping such an important truth to herself because of her sick obsession with a man, who doesn’t love her, is just cruel and plain stupid. 1: Bianca doesn’t have Miranda and Babe doesn’t have Ace.
The Top 5 best things about last week’s show: 5: When Brooke FINALLY became a true friend to Edmund, and encouraged him that he and Maria belonged together, for better or for worse. 4: Tad finally telling Liza off, and talking about her pathetic attempts to throw herself at him. I guess him sleeping with two other women at the same time he was boinking her wasn’t a clear enough signal of his feelings for her? 3: Aiden. Enough said. 2: Okay, so this wasn’t on AMC, per se, but has to do with it. Is anyone else convinced yet that TPTB of “Friends” are AMC fans? Consider all the evidence: Monica and Chandler (Adam’s and Stuart’s last name) named their twins Jack and Erica; Friends has Joey Tribianni, and AMC has the character of Jake, who used to be called Joey; Phoebe Bouffay meet Aunt Phoebe (Can anyone else picture them doing a duet of “Smelly Cat?”); and honestly, wasn’t Janet’s middle name Rachel? A lot of coincidence going on there I think… 1: I thought that the pre-emption with Senator Rumsfield was pretty darn stimulating…just joking…mostly. The #1 thing about AMC this last week was how Bianca pulled no punches in telling Kendall like it is about her and Ryan, and their relationship. It was great to see that TPTB are finally making them into true sisters, in every sense of the word.
The Top 5 reasons why Kelly needs a good bitch-slap: 5: As a wake-up call. Does she honestly think that if she gives Paul cash once or twice, that he’ll never blackmail her again? 4: Kelly: *sniff sniff* “Oh, god, Paul! My life is over! This baby was going to be just what Kevin and I needed! This baby was the ONE most important thing ever, and I’ll never forget it, ever!!” (Sobbing hysterically) Paul: “Look, Kelly! I stole…I mean, found…you a new baby!” Kelly: “What?! Oh, well screw the dead kid!” *brilliant smile* 3: Because Kevin stole her from his own blood-and-flesh brother, only to turn around and cheat on her with her own cousin- a cousin that he’s still sniffing after I might add -, and Kelly still wants to be married to this jerk. 2: Because she inherited a cool $60 million from Ian, and instead of saving the majority of it like any smart person would do, she blew every last dime of it in the stock market. Did she invest in Disney or something? She either has incredibly crappy business sense, or she hired some very bad stock analysts, but regardless, losing your entire fortune on the market deserves a sound slap or two. 1: Because she’s using someone else’s baby as matrimonial Krazy Glue.
The Top 5 reasons that the writers for OLTL and GH all share the same brain: 5: GH: Jagger, a bad boy with a big motorcycle, lends a helping hand to Karen, who hits rock bottom when she strips and takes drugs. OLTL: Jen, a bad girl with a big band account, lends a helping hand to Riley, who hits rock bottom after his girlfriend is stripped from him and he takes drugs. 4: OLTL: As a result of an accident, Nora loses all her memories, and Colin, who nurses her back to health, uses it to his advantage by lying to her about her old life. GH: As a result of an accident, Nik loses all his memories, and Mary, who nurses him back to health, uses it to her advantage by lying to him about his old life. 3: GH: Young, dark-headed, annoying, egotistical, teenage girl named Sage is trying to come between young, in-love couple, Georgie and Dillon. OLTL: Young, dark-headed, annoying, egotistical, teenage girl named Shannon is trying to come between young, in-love couple, River and Adrianna. 2: GH: Although currently separated, Sonny and Carly, a long-time show couple with two children, find themselves working together for the fate of their oldest child, after that child’s manipulative scheme didn’t go quite as planned. OLTL: Although currently separated, Todd and Blair, a long-time show couple with two children, find themselves working together for the fate of their oldest child, after that child’s manipulative scheme didn’t go quite as planned. 1: OLTL: Eterna: a place that felt like a paradise, every single day, for a select few. GH: Eternity: It’s what it feels like watching only a select few every single day, and it’s certainly not paradise!
The Top 5 best things about OLTL, as compared to the other ABC Daytime Soaps: 5: Best Diva in the form of Viki Davidson. At least when she starts stripping or blackmailing people, it’s because she’s certifiable, not because she’s bored or lacks ethics. 4: At any given time, there is usually more romance between well-liked couples. I mean real, heart-stopping, gut-clenching, hand-wringing romance, not that divorce/remarry/divorce/remarry wheel, nor anything that reeks of the mob, explosions, or Libidizone. 3: Best ethnic diversity, hands down. The Gannons and Evangeline have got African-American covered; the Hispanic quota is met by the Vegas and Adrianna; Nigel’s got that British-manservant blood in his veins; Dorian would like to think she’s descended from the elite, upper-crust French; Jessica, though raised in Pennsylvania all her life, does a tribute to Canada every time she opens her mouth; Heddy alone represents the entire German, Russian, Polish, Czechoslovakian, Latvian, and Sasquatch identities; and Roxy is a colorful blend of every other culture to grace God‘s good earth. 2: On AMC, almost every storyline gets impacted, one way or the other, with something said or done by either Erica Kane or Adam Chandler. On GH, only a very few number of the same characters and storylines are given the majority of airtime-about 175 minutes of airtime per week-while other, more enjoying ones are given an embarrassing, paltry 25 minutes a week. Compare those with an average week on OLTL, where fans are treated consistently to more equal airtime for most characters and a broader range of storylines. 1: OLTL really brings home the concept of family. For example, Nora and Blair love their children to no end, but they don’t let their children run their household, or dictate what they do every living moment. Viki opened her arms wide to welcome newly-discovered daughter, Natalie, into the family, even though in the beginning, Natalie had paired up with Allison Perkins to sabotage Viki and her family. As for Asa, almost every single, mean-spirited, lawless, or cruel thing he’s ever done has been driven by his deep-seated core of protecting and/or helping his family. Furthermore, watch him in any scene with Nora or Viki, and you see that he STILL thinks of them as his daughter-in-laws. With OLTL, I’ve always felt that the main core of the show was not just ONE character, ONE storyline, or ONE couple-it’s family.
The Top 5 OLTL “What Moron Wrote That?” storylines since January: 5: Just simply this: In the train station, when Todd was so desperately trying to save Starr, why did those dudes suddenly decide to open a can of whoop-ass on him? Did he push too hard, yell insults about their mama’s or grandma’s, or did he step on some toes? That scene just made NO sense. 4: Cassie finds out that Adrianna is her half-sister, and is A-OK with the concept that her son plans on marrying her half-sister. 3: Blair’s harrowing, 3-day ordeal of surgery, treatment, and recovery for her brain tumor. 2: Can ANYONE tell me what sort of purpose Katherine is supposed to serve? Nat and John already have his issues with Caitlin’s death standing between them; having Katherine between them is purely superfluous. We already know Paul is scum without KatBot having to tell us. Why did TIIC bring on this character? She needs to be on GH with “Borgs” of her own kind. 1: Todd “rapes” Blair on New Year’s Eve. Whoever came up with that idiotic notion has no inkling of who the character of Todd really is and who he has become, and needs to be given the OLTL Brainfart of the Year Award.
The Top 5 things that GH needs to do to put themselves back into that coveted #3 Neilson slot: 5: Keep Nik with Mary. It’s not so much that NiAry is a hit; it’s just that no one wants to hear Embrat’s endless sighs of happiness again. 4: Keep on trucking with Luke and Skye! Most of the longtime fans may desert the couple when, or if, Laura ever returns, but I still see a lot of them and the younger fans really getting into this couple! To older fans, it’s a treat to see TIIC write a good, romantic, exciting storyline for him finally, where he can showcase his trademark charm with an actress of the same caliber and wit. For younger fans, they’re just finally discovering other sides to Luke, beyond being a geriatric, knife-wielding psychotic. 3: Write FOR Carly and Lorenzo, not against! Lorenzo is the FIRST man Carly’s ever had in her life who is unconditionally willing to sacrifice all for her, who doesn’t want to own her, and who honestly wants to make all her dreams come true. He’s the first man who loves Carly for not only the warm, caring, thoughtful woman she can be, but also for the lying, traitorous, neurotic handful that she is. The bottom line-when Carly’s with Lorenzo, her acting is more natural, the character isn’t stifled, and she’s infinitely more worth watching. 2: Don’t continue the Journey. Jason lives a life of crime. He would not be with anyone who is staunchly committed to obeying and upholding the law, nor would he ever forgive her for getting so involved into his “profession”, that she cold-cocked him to keep him from taking out a hit. The character of Jason Morgan just would NOT be with anyone who could not live by the rules of his chosen lifestyle. The same goes for Courtney. While she’s not exactly the brightest bulb to ever grace a nightlight, she’s got some concept of what’s morally, and ethically, right or wrong. While she conveniently “forgot” that sleeping with her husband’s brother was morally wrong, she did ethically do the right thing by preventing Lorenzo’s murder. Not only was it the right thing to do, but it was keeping true to her original character: the Courtney who knows right from wrong, good from bad, and who would have never dated, much less married, someone who kills people for a living. To put them back together would be totally out-of-character and asinine. 1: Following up on #2, the best thing GH could do to help their ratings, would be to get rid of their writing staff in its entirety. Next, replace them all with competent, knowledgeable, educated individuals who would know how to write a creative, fun, romantic, thought-provoking, soap opera, evenly balanced between fantasy and realism, without becoming repetitive or boring.
The Top 5 reasons that all women everywhere are jealous of Faith Roscoe: 5: She’s rich as sin and never has to do laundry, dishes, cooking, cleaning, cleaning up doggy and kid puke, etc… 4: She’s slept with cute, dimply Ned, and hot, hard-bodied Ric. 3: She always manages to look hot and sexy wearing the same black clothes everyday. 2: She can order hits; push unsuspecting, pregnant women down stairs; take pay-offs; get into cat fights; meet various men in posh hotels for erotic liaisons; and run fast and far away from the scene of the crime, without ever once taking off those high heels. I guess for some people, comfort means Keds or Dr. Scholl‘s; for Faith, it’s 6” stilettos. 1: She had an unresisting Jason in the palm of her hands; to do with as she seemed fit…what female HASN’T dreamt that?
And, lastly, the Top 5 worst atrocities that have RECENTLY been unleashed onto ABC Daytime: 5: AMC- The character of Arlene Vaughn. She’s not even fun to hate or poke fun at. She makes Krystal look like royalty. 4: GH and OLTL- Both of the shows, in the past year, have had a thing with “familial relations”. On GH, Maxie had the hots for her cousin, Lucas, while River and his Auntie Adrianna are a couple on OLTL. While neither of those couples shares actual blood ties (Lucas and River both were legally adopted), the concept of dating, kissing, and humping someone you’re legally related to is just WRONG. 3: AMC- “Desiree”…no comments, aside from what I already wrote at the beginning of the AMC section of this column. 2: OLTL- “Heaven Can Wait” storyline. OLTL had hit a virtual cash cow with the Al/Marcie relationship. Finally, here was a REAL couple, complete with REAL issues that the audience could relate to. Instead of furthering that, and keeping OLTL out of the dismal funk it was in for so long, Frons chose to let their first lovemaking session lead to Al’s death… “I had issues about intimacy because of my weight, but I feel in love with this wonderful man who saw past all the pounds. I finally trusted him and myself enough to give up my virginity, so I slept with him---and it killed him.” WHOOPSY! After realizing too late that he had made a major boo-boo, he tried to “duck tape and brick” his way out of the mistake by creating the “Heaven Can Wait” storyline, whereupon Al comes back as a ghost, then inhabits Michael’s body but can‘t tell anyone that it‘s Al inside, then eventually he opts to stay alive, but with Michael’s thoughts and no memory of his life as Al…how entirely stupid was that whole entire concoction? They could’ve just left Al dead, and hired NM to play Michael; why go “there”? 1: GH- Journey, which I guess was more Frons’ idiotic notion, than those hacks Guza and Pratt. Either way, I don’t care. Taking a white-bread, girl next door, Christian values type like Courtney was, and trying to make it seem entirely “natural” that she would get involved with, and married to, a Borg who kills people for a living and thinks it’s okay, was just so totally retarded, it makes the concept of vampires, angels, and werewolves running around PC look smart.
The Top 5 reasons why that’s it for this week: 5: Because I don’t even want to START about how Michael (GH) has regressed to simply being the annoying, red-headed step child. 4: Because honestly, I have nothing else nice to say, and if you can’t say something nice, don’t say it at all…unless it makes you feel better. 3: Because I’m starting to develop calluses on my wrist from the wrist pad, for typing so long. 2: Because my children are complaining about something called dinner, and that they haven’t had any. 1: Because I’m done. Until next time, Sarah Doc
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