September 22, 2004

Somebody make Nikolas and Emily stop threatening to have sex again.  A person shouldn’t have to live in fear all the time.  “Oh, aren’t they cute?  They can’t keep their hands off each other!  Isn’t it sweet that Emily wants to re-virginate for her wedding night?  Hey, where’d Sherry go?  Oh geez, can someone go hold her hair back again?”  Is it so wrong that I really just want them to evaporate?  I just want to mop up the greasy lip-gloss residue that remains and wash my hands of the whole thing. 

Did Sam actually say that she thought about having Emily as her birth coach?  If you didn’t understand why I was hoping for spontaneous combustion before, maybe this will help.  Why in the hell does Emily have to be in EVERY story and why does every story come back to Emily?  Need a birth coach?  Need a victim?  Need a suspect?  Need a ride to the PCPD?  Need a bride?  Need a eulogy?  Need a lecture?  Need someone dumb enough to steal drugs to use as an alibi for being in someone’s room?  Next she’ll be holding a microphone for Brooke or holding a potted fern in Lorenzo’s apartment.  I swear she makes me wish for more Sonny some days, and that is completely and utterly unforgivable! 

I’m frightened of Lucky’s hair. 

Hey, is it just me or did someone flip Sam’s switch to “on”?  (heh, heh…apparently Sonny couldn’t quite reach it or something ;)  She’s much more animated these days, isn’t she?  I’m still pretty much with her on her apt analysis of Sonny’s personality.  She’s a bit over-dramatic, and she wanders completely off into WTF Land on occasion (such as, what the complete heck does she know about Alexis anyway?), but she can be tolerable.  It’s all very familiar, this “girl has fling and develops feelings for one guy but then goes across the hall to live with (and ultimately fall for) the other”.  Throw the feelings the men have for a baby into the mix, and you’ve got yourself a sort of SCrew Redux.  Whatever.  It could be much worse.  Emily will probably be wiping Sam’s tears and that baby’s butt before you know it, then you’ll yearn for this day again. 

Flashback to a few weeks ago:  We have Jason telling Courtney that while they both know it’s over and they both still care about each other, it is too painful for him to listen to her problems with Jax.  I guess yesterday was his own fault really because nowhere in that heartbreaking exchange did I hear him tell her not to leave him messages about Jax, and I’m absolutely certain he never mentioned that she couldn’t stick her tongue in his mouth if it would help her be even MORE immature about this whole Jax business.  I don’t know what in the heck is going on, and I suddenly don’t care enough to analyze it further, but I can tell you with absolute certainty that I used to smile at Jax and Courtney and now, not even close.  Leave it to GH to turn something sweet into something skeevy with the flick of a nun’s habit.  And while we’re on the subject, who really runs off to a convent these days?  I mean really.  Maybe it’s because I’m not Catholic, but I would have no idea how to even find a convent, and I certainly wouldn’t dream of playing a little sex dodge ball on the premises.  I’ve watched a lot of ludicrous things in my time, but Courtney giggling while Jax manhandled a nun really just hit all the wrong notes.  “Oh yeah, and won’t it be even funnier if the nun calls him a predator? Hee Hee!”  Because we all know that’s a word that brings on the giggles these days.   

I have five words for Georgie in her valiant fight to join the ranks of those youth who were tortured at the hands of their parents: “My Mom wore fuzzy handcuffs”.  The teens could all disappear (way to ruin something else GH, I used to LIKE Georgie and Dillon) for all I care.  Brook and Dillon are related, for goodness sakes.  Having Georgie be jealous of them is ludicrous.  Dillon is an idiot for forgetting how messed up Maxie was.  Does he think that none of the stuff that affected Maxie could’ve maybe affected Georgie just a little?  Maybe Georgie just learned that whining like a two-year-old is pointless.  And now Dillon and Brook’s stupidity is making me defend Georgie (who is still an idiot for being angry that her parents are getting along now); which is not acceptable.  Brook is about as annoying as they come anymore.  I might, in fact, like the idea of Brook and Emily becoming fast friends so I can avoid them both at once.  I’d like to be sympathetic to a child of divorce yearning for her parents’ reunion, but all that wailing and gnashing of teeth is really getting to me.  How about taking a little time for Brook to get to know her father again, since apparently he was never around?  How about we explain how Lois went from mother bear protecting her cub from the nasty Q’s to what we see now which is about as dysfunctional as the Q’s at times?  How about Brook just shuts up and sings?  That really might be the safest bet. 

Sage’s song is pretty good actually.  Lois was totally inappropriate in the way she went after it (like could 24 hours have made a difference?), but I find Lois totally inappropriate in a lot of things these days so that’s no surprise.  I just didn’t get the feeling from any of those involved that this was actually about honoring Sage more than it was about getting a hit, but that’s business I suppose.  It all felt very rushed and cold to me.  I heard from a few people who were upset about Lois wanting to ramp up the beat on the song.  Sorry ya’ll.  You won’t hear me knock that.  I feel like I had a good handle on Sage while she was alive and I fully believe if she were here, she’d find a way to add enough beat so that she could strip while singing it onstage, so more power to Lois.  The commercialized version sucks, but if Sage is doing any rolling over in her grave when she hears it, it’s probably because she’s trying to figure out where the pole is in the casket so she can get started.  

I really do like Faith, and I love CP’s portrayal of her, but the character is seriously giving me whiplash and I’m not sure how much longer I can put up with it.  I was about to say that I don’t know *where* that kiss came from, but actually I think I know exactly where it came from.  I make it a practice not to mention certain anatomical parts in my column (though this part I’m thinking of is one that you could ask Kathy about because she’s very wise on the subject) because then I’ll get one of those peppers next to my column on the Updates page and possibly alienate a portion of my more sensitive readership (oh, okay, really it’s because I’m a prude and I blush easily!) but I’m certain we can trace the origin of this scene if we try.  “Hey Bob and Chuck!  Was that a girl/girl kiss or are you just happy to see me?” 

I’m not making judgments on Steven Lars Webber yet, but it does my fingers good to type the name Webber in any context.  It’s about time that family got a boost, and I’m excited by the possibilities!  Things got a bit fuzzy around PC over the last week, and I’m not quite sure if he went to work raging drunk or if coffee just works really quickly on him, but whatever, he’s okay so far.  He was well on his way to winning a place in my heart when he glanced down at Sonny and met his demands for explanations like he was talking to a five-year- old child.  

I have yet to understand what exactly John Durant wants with Sonny and his coffee (*blinks innocently*), but more power to him.  I anxiously wait for the day when Sonny’s true “bidness” is revealed, because we sure know a lot about what it’s NOT (arms, drugs, women, etc) but very little about what it is.  It’s quite obviously big though, since Durant dropped the real mobsters in New York and headed straight to sleepy PC to take him down posthaste.  I’m disappointed that they’ve rushed this story so much; Carly’s father was one of the last great-unexplored frontiers of Carly that I actually thought I might care about some day.  Oh well.  It could be worse.  Emily could be Carly’s long lost half-sister.  We’ll know as soon as John lays eyes on her…he seems to have a knack for sensing when someone is a blood relative.  Quick, someone give him her lip-gloss so he can run a test! 

I think I had more to say, but it’ll have to wait.  Everybody take care, and I’ll try to remember to take a nap before I write next time so that maybe I won’t be quite so cranky!

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