ďQuack!  Quack!Ē

 

Why oh, why oh, why do the writers keep trying to convince us that if it walks like a duck, looks like a duck and sounds like a duck, then it must NOT be a duck?  I know a duck when I see one.  I also know a thug when I see one, I know a hit man when I see one, I know a smarmy, vapid, shrew of a mother when I see one, I know a cowardly, wishy-washy liar when I see one and I know a shallow, uppity brat when I see one.  I am referring, in order, to Sonny, Jason, Carly, Ric and Emily. 

Iíll Ďsplain.  (Warning:  Rant ahead with profanity.) 

What the hell is wrong with Ric Lansing?  Didnít he marry Alexis so they could fight Sonny together and protect Kristina?  I know they did, so what is Ric doing now?  This past week, he told Sonny if push came to shove, he would stand by Alexis.  Immediately after that, he goes to Alexis and tells her sheís on her own, that he wonít stand by her.  Then, he runs back to Sonny like a little four year old to tattle about Alexis filing for sole custody.  Is Ric dropping acid?  Is that the real story?  I sure hope so because the guyís not making any sense from one scene to the next, forget about looking for any continuity to his logic.  It simply isnít there.  Yet, Liz is standing by to tell him (us) how wonderful and correct he is, lest we see that heís really acting like a duplicitous coward.  I get the impression that Iím supposed to somehow understand whatís motivating Ric.  I donít.  Ric is now on my shit list. 

Then thereís Carly.  She tells Alexis, in front of Sonny, Reese and Ric that Kristina is in no danger under Sonnyís care.  Fine.  I gave Carly a half-assed pass on that because sheís prideful and, I would hope, if she and Alexis could have discussed that without an audience, Carly would at least have acknowledged that there is danger.  Thatís been a couple of weeks ago.  Since then, Carly has told Sonny he is a danger, then that he isnít.  Sheís complained to others that his life is dangerous, then, to the same people later, that it isnít.  What is going on with that?  Is Carly partaking of the hallucinogenic fountain as well? 

I suspect the writers want me to buy that Carly really loves her children and will do anything for them.  Iím not seeing that.  Based on her actions, I see a woman who is absolutely horrid.  Jason seems more sincerely ripped apart over Michaelís death than Carly is.  Iím not convinced that sheís that upset about it, because if she was, she would try to get Morgan the hell away from Sonny.  I can only conclude that Carly is a complete idiot and one of the worst mothers ever on daytime television for not seeing the threat her husband is to her children, even after one of them is supposedly killed while both were kidnapped.  I have no sympathy for Carly at all, but I think the writers want me to.  The writers need to give me a reason to believe Carly is a good mother.  They canít just have characters say that she is and expect me to believe it. 

I donít see Sonny as being all that torn apart about Michael, either.  He seems angry that he ďlostĒ in the eyes of other mobsters more than anything.  If heís supposed to be grieving privately or holding his emotions in, I havenít been tipped off to that.  Yeah, he has sat in the dark and had a bunch of people murdered, but he always does that. 

Even Jasonís anguish over Michael, as genuine as it seems, only goes so far.  How many people around him have to die, get beaten up and suffer miscarriages before he gives a damn about anything except working as an enforcer for Sonny?  We have been force fed by the writers that Jason is just swell, but I donít see it in what he does. 

I wish I was at least getting some genuine mourning from Sonny and Carly, the kind that could spur them to action to change their lives, but itís not happening.  Heís a pig.  Sheís a dumb bitch.  They are the worst parents ever.  Thatís what Iím seeing from them, so thatís what I think of them. 

Speaking of ďbitch,Ē I am not happy about Sonny calling Alexis that, like it was her name.  Yelling ďShut up, bitchĒ at the mother of his child, who has every damn, obvious right to want her daughter safely away from a violent, dangerous criminal did not endear me to Sonnyís egotistical point of view.  Are we supposed to hate Sonny for being an asshole?  He is being an asshole, therefore I canít imagine weíre supposed to be rooting for him, or are we?  Was I supposed to swoon when he called a woman ďbitch?Ē  The writers seem to think heís a great guy we should all adore and side with.  Why?  As a female, why should I like him if I have any self-respect for my gender?  What reason am I being given NOT to hate his putrid guts?  That his portrayer has cute dimples?  Am I supposed to be so damn stupid I canít get the context of this story between Sonny and Alexis?  She isnít behaving like an out of control, half-crazed woman the way everyone on the show keeps saying.  She is a mother protecting her child.  As far as Iím concerned, she can go as far as she wants to if it saves her daughterís life.  Itís a no-brainer; Iím rooting for her.  Sheís a mama and sheís stepping up to the plate to do what Carly wonít do, but Alexis is called ďobsessedĒ and Carly is called ďstrong and brave.Ē  What a pile of bullshit.  Excuse me, GH writers, if I choose to step over it. 

Thereís a saying, ďIf mama ainít happy, ainít nobody happy.Ē  Well, Alexis isnít happy right now, for obvious reasons, so as a fan of intelligent, independent mothers and women in general, Iím not happy, either. 

I was also surprised when Ric said Alexis was ďhigh maintenance.Ē  In what way is she in need of constant praise and tending?  The image of Alexis sitting all alone at that table in that restaurant said it all, for she is truly alone.  No one is standing by her, encouraging her, understanding her or respecting her as a concerned parent, yet she can still proceed and do what she needs to do.  Sheís the lowest maintenance person on the show.  Perhaps to Ric, ďhigh maintenanceĒ means that Alexis calls him on his shit and he doesnít like that, so he feels a bit inconvenienced. 

I probably sound terrible, but I donít care that Emily was raped.  Iíve been trying to care, but this is a badly written story.  I donít think Iíve ever seen a rape story where I didnít connect emotionally to the victim on some level.  Emily, and all that she does, only bores me and makes me cringe at the sight of her.  I liked NuEmily at first, so what the hell happened?  Why is she written as such a holier-than-thou, selfish twit?  The way she treated Zander was horrific.  The way she stood in front of Lucky and told him she wondered what her life would be like if sheíd ďchosenĒ him instead of Nik was so telling.  It was a scene that revealed Emily for the flake she is, in case there was any doubt.  She has no regard for the feelings of others beyond the moment she can either berate them or stand up for them (depending on the situation) in order to make her own self feel superior.  Sometimes she gets a two-for-one deal and gets to berate AND defend.  She stuck her nose in Dillonís business the other day when she saw him arguing with Tracy, so she got to berate Tracy and defend Dillon at the same time.  She must have been on cloud nine at that moment.  Emily is an ugly person judging by her actions, yet the writers seem to be presenting her as goodness incarnate.  Thatís what is confusing about her and her stories.  Nothing she is involved in will ever be logical until the writers reconcile what she does with who she is supposed to be.   

Obviously, there is a common theme emerging here and itís the same theme that always emerges when I complain about aspects of this show.  Itís the writing.  Usually it sucks in a linear way I can follow easily, meaning a story is simply bad plot-wise.  Lately, some of these stories wouldnít be so bad, in theory, but they are confusing in that I donít understand whatís motivating many of the characters.  That can ruin the best of stories because, as part of good storytelling, we must be able to understand whatís moving a character from Point A to Point B.  We may not agree with them or like what they are doing, but we must be able to understand their logic. 

I have a theory that the writers are working in shifts now, with one team writing one dayís script and another team writing the next.  See, in my theory, these two teams never speak to each other, never compare notes and they are each writing a different story.  Thatís why Ric, Carly and others are constantly contradicting themselves.  One team is writing that Ric will stand by Alexis, the other team is writing that heís all about kissing his brotherís ass.  One team thinks Alexis is correct to be concerned, thus all the scenes of characters telling other characters that Alexis is right (or at least saying that Sonny is dangerous, which also makes Alexis right), then the next day, theyíre all calling her crazy and talking about what a great, caring father Sonny is. 

My other theory is that the writers are lazy, misogynistic, dumb asses.  Thatís probably the accurate theory. Oh, and also, theyíre on drugs.  Or should be if theyíre not.  Something like that. 

There are parts of the show that make sense, at least more than the examples Iíve mentioned.  Romance wise, Jason/Sam, Courtney/Jax, Liz/Lucky, Georgie/Dillon and Brook/Diego make sense, even if many of these relationships havenít really been explained to my full satisfaction.  They just work on some level.  Alan hitting the bottle over A.J. and Michaelís deaths, Jason and Samís search for proof of Michaelís death, Rachelís loathing for Stephen and, last but not least, A.J.ís plot for revenge are pretty clear cut stories so far, with obvious logic and goals at work.  I have no confusion about whatís motivating the characters in these romances and stories, so they are saving the show for me right now, especially A.J.  I love Billy Warlockís acting and Iím glad he returned for this.  Iíve missed him.  The only thing that bothers me is itís pretty much a done deal that A.J. will come out the loser again against Sonny, right?  He always does, so I donít feel thereís any real suspense about how this will turn out.  If A.J. could win for once, I would be thrilled.  I donít really approve of A.J. lying to Michael about Sonny and Carly not wanting him because that hurts Michaelís feelings, but on the other hand, is that really a lie?  If Sonny and Carly really did want Michael alive and well, Sonny would have gotten his ass out of his dangerous line of work and stopped making his family a target or Carly would have taken the reigns and removed Michael, Morgan and herself from the situation.  Since Sonny and Carly refuse to acknowledge thereís a problem even now, then I canít believe they really loved Michael all that much.  They obviously love the money and power more.   

People can tell me Iím wrong about that, but I know what Iím seeing on the show.  The day Sonny leaves his criminal enterprises behind in order to protect his children is the day Iíll finally believe he might love them more than himself.  I wonít believe otherwise until then.  Actions do speak louder than words.  As with Emily, Sonnyís actions must be good for me to believe that he is, too.  Jason can be included in that as well.  All the characters on the show can line up everyday to talk about the wholesome goodness of Emily, Carly, Sonny and Jason, but Iím not buying it because Iím not seeing it.  Itís like telling me the story of Hannibal Lector, then trying to convince me that itís really about Jesus Christ.  It just doesnít work and Iím not that fucking stupid. 

And do the writers care what I think?  I seriously doubt it, but if they could respond, I think I can guess what theyíd say to me, a loyal, female viewer for over twenty years: 

ďShut up, bitch!Ē  

I may be a bitch, but at least I know a damn duck when I see one and I know shit when I step in it. 

;-)