Orgasms In The Afternoon 

There have been all kinds of horny people on “General Hospital” lately.  We can hardly get from one show to the next without sexual innuendo, French kissing and outright sex. 

I like it. 

Don’t get me wrong.  I’m not liking the whole show, but I am enjoying quite a few things, including these attempts by TPTB (“The Powers That Be”) to give us the lust, love and romance so many of us have been clamoring for.  Sadly, I think the show is still seriously lacking in the romance department, but I’ve got to give TPTB credit for trying.  That is a good sign, hopefully, of things to come, no pun intended.  Well, maybe it was intended. 

I’ve decided to do a review of the recent smooching, groping and “knockin’ of boots” on the show and I’ve devised a ratings system.  I am ranking the scenes from 1 to 10, with 1 being the absolute worst, “damn my eyes” crapfest ever and 10 being “HOLY FREAKIN’ GOD, where’s my vibrator” wonderful. 

First up, the Carly and Lorenzo love scene from Carly’s coma dream. 

“Coma Copulation” 

Taped in black and white, it had a more stylish look to it than what a love scene usually does, but I think I would have preferred color.  They both looked hot, for the most part, and the camera angles were great.  Some bare leg here, some bare back there and the close up shots of their faces implying climax were surprising since it’s been so long since GH viewers have seen anything like that.  The music playing was instrumental.  That’s all I know about that.  Really, I was too into the scene to give a crap what the music was.  I only finally noticed it as I watched the scene for about the fourth time. 

I give “Coma Copulation” a rating of 8.3.  It could have been higher, but Ted King’s hair is so bad, it’s almost distracting and I think color would have better than black and white.  Also, since it was just a “coma dream,” there wasn’t that element of actual love to it.  If and when Carly and Lorenzo really do make love, then based on what we’ve seen so far, it just might be a 10+ in my book. 

“The Love Hut” 

What could be more romantic than a handsome prince making love to his beautiful girlfriend in a cozy cottage in front of a romantic fire in the fireplace?  Apparently, a lot of things could be.  I heated up a hot dog in the microwave last night and ate it.  That was more romantic. 

Maybe I’m being harsh, but the set up to this romantic love fest just did not sit well with me and did a lot to ruin the moment from my viewpoint.  First of all, that’s the house Zander rented for him and his wife, Emily, to live in.  Emily has screwed Zander around ten times to Sunday and back again, so that in itself makes it difficult for me to root for the adulterous coupling of Emily and Nikolas.  Then there’s the fact that Nikolas used to own that cottage and lived there with his former fiancée, Gia.  In fact, I think they had sex on the floor in front of the fireplace, too. 

They do get points for not having sex on the couch like nearly every other couple on the show seems to do, so I was happy that Zander walked in and at least stopped that.  It was quite a dramatic moment with Zander told Emily to go to hell before he stomped out.  I was sure Emily would need a moment alone to recover from that, but no, she turned to Nik and smiled.  I just thought that was heartless and nasty.  Then Nik has to go and say he’s never known love before Emily.  What the hell?  Excuse me, buddy, but I’ve been watching this show and saw quite clearly that Nik has indeed known love before Emily.  Her name is Gia. 

So all of these inconsistencies and affronts to my delicate, moral sensibilities didn’t help me enjoy the “shtupping” soon to follow.  

Emily making little moaning orgasm noises while they were still just kissing was really corny, but I guess it suits her.  Kind of like, “Hey, Em!  Fake much?”  Emily placing her entire open mouth over Nik’s mouth was just extremely odd and I wanted to tell her that it’s not Nik’s mouth that she’s supposed to be wrapping those lips around like that.  I wish Nik could have removed his eyeliner, but he removed his clothing, so that is a good thing.  The lighting was good, the fire gave the scene a mood and perhaps implied that they should both burn in hell and it was over fairly quickly. 

Trying not to be biased (anymore than I have been already), I give “The Love Hut” a rating of 6.1, primarily due to a bad set up story-wise and in the scenes leading up to “the act.”  Oh, and because it involved “Emily The Wishy Washy Twit.”  That didn’t help.  It was absolutely delicious to see Nikolas in a state of undress, so not a total loss by any means. 

“Above Jake’s, On Top” 

Liz and Zander have always seemed sweet together to me, as friends.  When they had a one-time fling over a year ago, I thought it was okay, but I really didn’t want to see them do more than that.  I pretty much feel the same way now.  If their trysts were born out of something positive, then maybe I would be all for them becoming a couple.  Instead, if their latest one-night stand is indicative of a trend, then apparently they’re only going to get together when they both feel really depressed and down on life in general.  Like “The Love Hut,” encounter, that’s not a good way to set up a love scene.  The difference is that Liz and Zander’s romp wasn’t supposed to be about love.  It was about lust and forgetting about their real problems for a while. 

It was definitely lusty.  Taking place in Zander’s room above Jake’s Bar, Liz and Zander seemed absolutely desperate to have each other as quickly as they could.  Their sex was in a state of just partial undress, the way really hurried and horny sex takes place.  Oddly, the sex Nik and Emily had at the cottage seemed way more sleazy than the sex Liz and Zander had above the bar.  I think it’s because Liz and Zander have both been victimized to some extent by their respective spouses, Ric and Emily, making them very sympathetic.  Also, I think Liz and Zander just have more raw chemistry than Nikolas and Emily do and they seemed more emotionally “connected” in their sex scene.  I thoroughly enjoyed watching it. 

My rating for “Above Jake’s, On Top” is an 8.5.  The only reason I didn’t rate it higher is because there was no actual love involved and because it was Liz getting it on with Zander instead of me. 

“Hitting The Jaxpot” 

Oh, what are two beautiful people to do when they are stuck waiting for a rental car and they have to wait in a hotel room, on the bed, passing the time?  Watch some television?  Peruse a few hotel casino brochures?  Get some shut-eye?  Screw like monkeys in heat? 

Yeah.  That last one. 

Honestly, if I was stuck with the extremely handsome Jax in such a situation, I’m sure I’d like to jump his bones, too.  I can’t fault Sam for feeling the same way.  My problem is, unlike a pairing with Jax and myself, I’m sure, Sam and Jax just don’t have any chemistry that I can detect.  A lack of chemistry definitely puts a damper on a love scene. 

This love scene, like others recently, didn’t have the proper build up.  In addition to just not having chemistry (meaning there never should have been a love scene in the first place), Jax went from totally detesting Sam to all of a sudden wanting to sex her up as soon as he was bored and she told him that she believed in him, as opposed to believing in the magic of antique playing cards.  As soon as she was on a bed throwing him a compliment, he was suddenly on her like white on rice.  Also, the fact that Jax pretty much just insults her all the time doesn’t lend toward a romantic or sexy mood, either.  Throw into the mix that Sam seems to be willing to sleep with anyone at the drop of a hat (Jax, Chase, Dillon) and it merely seems like Jax got to sleep with a whore for free.  Oh, wait.  He did just give her a boat that he’d won, so I guess it wasn’t for free after all.  He slips her his big “vessel” and she spreads her legs.  Woo-hoo. 

The sex scene itself was too dark.  I couldn’t see anything except a weird red light, hair and massive amounts of cleavage.  I think there was some licking involved at some point and the instrumental dance music playing would have given the scene a feeling of  “Disco Porn” if had been just a little faster.  Instead, it was electronic dance music with the slow, sad sounds of a piano playing, making it “Poignant Porn,” I suppose.  If a scantily clad, French maid had walked into the room and joined in, it wouldn’t have seemed out of place. 

I give “Hitting the Jaxpot” a low down, 3.8.  Not only is this sex that shouldn’t have even happened, it appeared to just be sex out of boredom between an asshole and a whore.  There’s no love implied and no lust present.  Just a “You gave me a boat, so I shall now service you,” type of thing from her viewpoint and a “You finally worship me, so I shall now let you experience the magic known as my penis,” from his viewpoint.  Yuck. 

Now that’s it for the actual sex review.  I hope I didn’t leave any whoopee out.  If I did, my apologies.  The primary lesson I get from these scenes is that the writers need to pay serious attention to the stories that support them.  In all of these scenes, particularly the bad ones, if the character’s relationships had been developed better and the stories were written well, then the sex scenes would have been a lot better, too.  While I appreciate getting to see some luvin’ for a change, I want to see better stories to go along with it. 

There are plenty of hints at future sex on GH.  Zander and Faith could be quite interesting between the sheets, but I’d rather it not be a reversal of the Jax/Sam scene with Zander playing the part of the whore. 

Georgie is tearing Dillon’s clothes off these days trying to get at what he’s got and Dillon has already seen newcomer (pun intended) Sage in her red bra.  Honestly though, I don’t think I want to see a sex scene among the children.  If they do it, just tell me about it.  Please don’t show me. 

There’s always heat when Ric and Liz are in a scene together.  They have almost as much sizzling hot, sexual chemistry as Sonny and Jason.  Regretfully, I feel like we’ll get a Sonny and Jason sex fest before we ever get one for Ric and Liz. 

Coleman has chemistry with everybody and I hope he “reaches for the Skye” again soon AND we get to actually see it this time.  I feel cheated not having been able to see any of their other rolls in the hay (or on the pool table.) 

The anticipation is there in the form of “will they or won’t they” in regards to Carly and Lorenzo.  When she’s back on her feet, will she be on her back for Alkie in the real world?   I hope so.  I’m popping popcorn if that happens. 

Speaking of anticipation, I think I could really appreciate a Brian and Courtney love scene, one night stand or whatever else lusty, sexy or romantic they want to throw my way.  I see chemistry there and I am ready for Jason and Courtney to call it quits. 

 “Courtney, stop travelin,’ girl!  The journey’s over.” 

Yeah, that’s probably wishful thinking, but it’s also my libido at work, too.  Brian is a hottie even if he is the sheriff of Petticoat Junction or Mayberry or wherever he is.  Deputy Barney Fife sure never looked like that. 

I just wonder, does Brian, like Barney, keep his bullet in his pocket, or is his gun fully loaded? 

With any luck, we’ll have an answer to that huge, throbbing question sometime in the very, very near future.  

Happy shtupping, everyone!