Valentine’s Day
Gifts From
A Fan

By Jen-Jen

As a fan of General Hospital, I feel I should show my appreciation to the characters by giving them all something special for Valentine’s Day. I thought for a long time about what to get the residents of Port Charles, because I wanted to give them things they really could use. Some gifts are material in nature and some are acts of kindness on my part because that’s just the great person I am (and humble, too).

The Spencer Family

For Lucky Spencer: A lock for his room above Kelly’s. Now that he finally has a girlfriend with boobs, he should be able to enjoy her without interruption. I’ll just bet that Summer is quite a handful.

For Bobbie Spencer: An affair with a younger man. Of course, GH would have to get a nice selection of younger men on the show, first. Currently the only “young man” on the show she’s not related to by blood or previous marriage is Zander, right? She needs a beefcake buffet!

For Luke Spencer: Laura Spencer. Need I say more?

For Lulu Spencer: Parents.

Lucas Spencer: An existence. Have they even referred to him lately?


The Cassadine Family (the two who are left)

For Nikolas Cassadine: A free membership to the Hair Club For Men and an attitude adjustment. The guy needs to lighten up. No wonder he’s losing his hair.

For Alexis Davis: A “do-over.” Let’s just go back, and pretend the last 4 months did not happen to her.


The Quartermaine Family

For Lila Quartermaine: A dress of precious gems. Maybe then the morons in charge would understand how precious, and priceless, she is to us.

For Edward Quartermaine: A high colonic. He just seems to need a good “flushing out”.

For Alan Quartermaine: A meaningful purpose to his life. He doesn’t really seem to have one and he seems like the kind of person who could thrive with one. This would have to begin with what’s known as “a storyline.”

For Monica Quartermaine: A heartfelt connection to family. Has she ever had one of these? She’s always at odds with everyone. She should join a New Age cult for a while and turn all hippie chick. Kum-Ba-Ya, Mon-I-Ca!

For Ned Quartermaine: A career in pornography. He could direct pornos. After his encounters with Faith, I think he might be a natural at this. Eddie Vein.

For A.J. Quartermaine: A year in The Winner’s Circle. A year, during which, he can do no wrong, reaches the highest heights, gleams like a golden boy and is truly happy.

For Skye Quartermaine-Jax: True love. She needs a guy who knows what she’s all about, wouldn’t change a thing and loves every bit of her, flaws and all. In other words, not Jax. (Coleman, anyone?)

For All The Quartermaines: Sitting lessons. They never seem to sit and talk. They always stand and yell. I bet their feet hurt. I’ll throw in some Dr. Scholl’s Gel Inserts, too, for while they’re in training. I doubt they’ll be sitting a lot right away. They’ll probably have to build up to that.


The Corinthos Family (and stray)

For Sonny Corinthos: A night of passion. Not with Carly, though. He gets plenty of those. I was going to say with me. Although I’m sure he’d thoroughly enjoy that, I want to give him what he really wants, a night of passion with Jason. With full nipple access, too!

For Carly Corinthos: Anger management classes. While this might seem more appropriate a gift for Sonny, at least all he does is break stuff. Carly devastates her entire life and everyone in it every time she loses it and goes running off in a tizzy. Oh, and some new whore blouses, too.

For Michael Corinthos: A heavy-duty dust buster. He needs this to use on the living room couch periodically, so he won’t cut himself on all the shards of broken glassware that must be down in that thing. Safety first!

Mike Corbin: A winning lottery ticket.

Jason Morgan (the stray): The night of passion with Sonny, of course! And then, a life of his own.

Courtney Whatever-Her-Last-Name Is: A long term contract on “As The World Turns,” because I don’t watch that show.


And The Rest

For Felicia Scorpio-Jones: Tony. I always thought they had good chemistry so, why not?

For Maxie & Mini: A chance to grow on us, slowly, so that we care what happens to them when they get actual storylines. Also, I’d like them to have an original storyline, not a recycled Liz/Lucky/Sarah story.

For Mac Scorpio: A case solved, a crook caught, a hot babe and lots of screen time.

For Elizabeth Webber: Jason and Ric on a leash. Why choose? Variety is the spice of life.

For Audrey Webber: An Uzi, a grassy knoll and a clear shot at Bob Guza.

For Scotty Baldwin: A good “non-Laura related” storyline. He needs one and besides, I already gave away the free membership to the Hair Club For Men.

For Marcus Taggert: A hot front burner storyline with lots of intrigue, action and lust. I know it’s too late, but I can still dream.

For Gia Campbell: A pack of pocket tissues (with aloe vera), so she can tend to that permanently sweaty upper lip.

For Cameron Lewis: Cable television. I’m sure he doesn’t have it or he wouldn’t spend so much time trying to live vicariously through others.

For Zander Smith (Lewis): Self-worth. I don’t think he has any and that is so sad. On the good side, his character seems to be the only one who has a story that has been written well and has unfolded well. So far, anyway.

For Elton (Herbert?): A long-term contract and the opportunity to plan a wedding that actually happens.

For Jasper Jax: Medical attention. For when Skye kicks him to the curb and for when Coleman kicks his ass.

For Brenda Morgan: Enjoyment of her own company, so she can exist, happily, without constantly needing a man in her life.

For Leticia and Reginald: A romantic cruise getaway.

For Ric Lansing: A point, already. Besides looking good, that is.

For Coleman: Skye. But not before I “let” him spend a romantic month or so with me. I’ll even buy a pool table. Hubba-hubba-hubba!

For Everyone Else (Faith, Lesley, Amy, etc,…): A Whitman’s Sampler. Hey, I can only do so much.
 

And To My Fellow Fans: A Happy Valentine’s Day!