September 7, 2001
10:00am

OK, Fat Journal Pals.  YOU are the very select few who will get this, so you get to be the target of the foul bile I’m about to spew forth.  I would suggest donning any protective gear you happen to have lying around, preferably with those triple triangles that protect you from intense radioactivity. 

I.  Am.  So.  Mad.  I will get better.  Right now I’m mad.  So check this out. 

I started feeling, well, worried, so I weighed myself on Sunday.  YIKES!  For further reference, everything I wrote about redirecting attention OFF of weight loss and controlling other parts of your life and not weighing because you get obsessed with the numbers is total and utter CRAP and I fully recommend that you ignore it fully.  I GAINED 17 POUNDS AND I’M UP TO 226!!!  That is my old, familiar set point that I tend to return to when unchecked.  The real pisser is that I didn’t even eat all that I wanted to in the past two months that I took off!!  I passed on a BUNCH of things that I was craving.  

Armed with that pain info, I decided to go back onto the watching all I eat, drinking the water, exercising routine and get it done with.  I felt that I was pushing myself into it, not because I was interested in actually doing anything I’d have to do or denying myself anything I’d have to deny, but because I don’t want to gain any more weight (yikes!) or even stay at 226.  We went out to family brunch a bit after I weighed and I was careful about what I selected (buffet).  While we were eating, the kids were LAYING on me, hanging on my arms, that kind of thing.  I remarked that I didn’t think I actually weighed 226, that I just had 70 pounds of kids hanging on me.  Eric practically dropped his fork.  He was sitting across from me.  “TWO HUNDRED TWENTY SIX POUNDS?????”  “yes.”  …pause… “I didn’t know that” …big frown…look of disgust and repulsion.  OK, so that was a fun moment.  Felt like gum on the bottom of a shoe that’s been walking through the sewer.  My lowest was 209 in this Fatastic Journey and my highest since we’ve been married is 230.  My all time highest NOT pregnant is 240.  I want to be 140-150.  

So there was that happy little event.  THEN there was my birthday, number 40, yes I have big crone issues, on Wednesday.  My husband, who is our sole income with me as a stay at home mom, was laid off with no warning on August 24^th.  He has been diligently looking for a job, including seeing a recruiter about going back into the Air Force (yuck, I did a total of 22 years as an AF wife and I’m DONE) and a job that takes him away from us for 2 months (we vowed we would never cash in our time together like that no matter what).  He is a telecommuncations engineer, WICKEDLY well trained and does start to finish telecom.  He can plan and write a telecom system, install it, cable it, run it, whatever.  He went from making $80,000 a year (with overtime) to nothing in a second.  We had savings, but that is almost all gone after paying rent.  We were pretty savings low after the trip to LA.  Stocks have been sold as well.  So while we have total faith that this will all work out, it’s scary and gets more so as time passes.  The telecom field was hit hard with the death of all the dotcom companies.  They all had accounts and now those accounts are gone.  

ANYWAY, that set the stage for tension (though we try to keep it to a minimum with continual pep talks) and penny pinching. 

Back to my birthday.  No presents from us this year, but I got wonderful gifts from friends.  Eric and I went a movie I’d been wanting to go to badly (Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back) and it did NOT disappoint!!  It’s easily Kevin Smith’s very best movie.  Caught a cheap matinee, got tiny popcorn and a diet soda.  That was our big splurge, followed by soup at Black Angus.  Very nice time.  I wanted to get 39 cent burgers from McDonalds for dinner (I LOVE McDonalds), but decided against it, thinking we should save the $5-6 it would end up costing with fries for the kids.  I made low fat chicken at home (neither cooking nor low fat goes with my birthday fantasies).  

Jump to:  Next day.  Yesterday.  Delena had “torture the parents,” I mean, “Back to School” night from 6-7pm.  I was all set to make a lasagna and had looked forward to it and planned, calorie wise, for it all through the day.  Had a tiny bowl of cereal for breakfast and some of the low fat chicken for lunch; practically neg calories and READY for that LASAGNA!!  I started putting the lasagna together (and mine is most excellent), got the ground beef browned and found *gasp* that Josh had eaten all of the marinara sauce for spaghetti.  (??!!)  Grrrrr.  I was going to make it, cook it while we were at the school, have Josh monitor it, then come home and eat it.  Two whole jars of sauce…gone.  So we went to the school (walking) and on the way home, I mentioned to Eric that we needed bread and I’d need him to get some more sauce so that I could make the lasagna.  It was about 7:10 then.  “What???  You still think you should make lasagna?”  He then went off on this little mini rant about how inconsiderate that was to the kids because it wouldn’t be done until 8:30, they’d be late going to bed (OH NO!!!) and how could I BE so selfish and self centered?  I told him that I wanted lasagna, that it meant a lot to me and that I’d planned for it through the day.  Then he says, “WELL, maybe you should LOOK INTO TO why a LASAGNA means so much to you!  I think there’s really something wrong with that.”  My head was reeling, not just with disappointment, but with anger and shame and so many other things.  (I will *NOT* cry as I write this.  I won’t!)  I just wanted my freaking lasagna.  So I went home and used the last few scraps of bread to make grilled cheese sandwiches for the kids while he went out for more bread…bread, ice, coke and a big bottle of Captain Morgan’s for himself.  I was…agog.  I was…furious.  I could not believe what I was seeing.  After I denied my birthday dinner for the greatest good of the family…the CHEAP birthday dinner it would have been, after I went without picking any gifts for myself, after I didn’t buy ANY gifts for my 2-year-old son, whose birthday is TODAY, he spends $15 on liquor.  My head immediately factored 30 loaves of bread, 7 gallons of milk, TWO trips to McDonalds for 39 cent burgers, LOTS of gifts for Nathan at the thrift store.  All of the fear and anger and disappointment of the lay off, of the weight gain, of the sudden poverty, of the cruel remarks just flew out of me and I did NOT carry myself well AT ALL.  I was a raving, screaming lunatic.  He never knew what hit him.  He claimed we had talked about it earlier, he not knowing sarcasm when he hears it.   The conversation went like this:

    Eric:  “I’m feeling a little, um, thirsty.  I wouldn’t mind getting some Captain Morgan’s tonight.”

    Me:  (Looking up from my keyboard)  “Oh, yeah.  That’d be a smart move.  Josh would love it.  Go for it.”  (My son Josh steals our liquor)  My tongue was so far in my cheek it was putting my eye out, but I guess that was all the permission he needed.  (stupid, stupid, STUPID – ME, not him!)  

So he got it and looked at me blankly, “But you said, ‘Go for it.’”  Grrrrr. 

So who is the idiot here, really?  My first thought was that it was the guy who blew $15 on rum.  But he had what he wanted.  Where were my burgers?  Nowhere.  What did I have for dinner instead of lasagna?  Hot nothing with a side of nothing.  Sure, the calories did me no harm, but my spirit is destroyed.  I just…went to bed.  He stayed up and had a nice night with the Captain.  Again, who is the idiot here?  

I AM going to go to the thrift shop and get some little presents for Nathan for today.  I can’t in good consciousness spend money to make myself feel better because it just seems so stupid.  Even if he was called back to work tomorrow, it would be 2 weeks before we see a paycheck and with the pittance we have left there are utilities to pay.  I have faith that it will all work out.  We have always been provided for in the past and I’m not really worried, more in my head than in my gut.  I just am tired of being deprived and doing without and (seemingly) for nothing.  

OK, rant off.  I feel better for purging.  Thanks for being there.

 Interim posts can be found here.

June 1, 2001
2:30pm

Happy Friday!  I didn’t get the results I wanted from my Friday weights and measures, but I got the results I expected.  Overall, I was up 1.5” and down one pound, so I’m at 214, closing in on 209, my all time low in the past 4-5 years.  I can feel that I’m retaining a good amount of water from my period being due next week and from nor drinking the water this week.  I’m back on water today, big time, and I’m going to get the fluid retention down, then weigh and measure again in a day or so.  No worries.  

It has been a good exercise week.  I did intense Body Flexing all week long.  By intense, I mean that I not only did my usual 5 reps of each of the 12 postures, but continued on to do as many reps as I could, sometimes up to double the amount.  I’d just keep going until my muscles were noodly and I couldn’t do any more.  I worked up quite a sweat!  Also, I found on the Seiko and the back leg extensions that if I didn’t rest my leg back down onto the floor between reps, it really ups the ante.  With the Seiko, instead of lowering to the floor between each hold of 5, I instead bring my leg in to my chest, then stretch back on the inhale, then go into the Seiko position again.  It REALLY puts the burn into the position.  (sorry to bore you nonBody Flexer’s)  Another point to make is that you are really working at a disadvantage if you only use Greer’s video or book.  Both have wonderful benefits and I highly recommend hitting up a library for whichever you don’t have.  I definitely benefited from watching the video after a friend sent it to me when I had only been working from the book and there were things in the book that were quite valuable and were not included in the video. 

So I Body Flexed every day and walked at night.  Yesterday, I didn’t do the night walk.  After my trek with the kids in 100+ degree weather, I figured I’d burned enough calories.  My arms are wicked sore from carrying Nathan.  I’ll go back to walking tonight. 

See ya next week!  Hopefully even smaller.

May 29th, 2001
10:30pm

Been wanting to write, but real life keeps getting in the way.  I’m just grateful to HAVE a life to get in the way.  I have to admit that as much as I miss writing when a muse is beating me across the head, I’d be pretty damned depressed if I had nothing to do but write.  The little boys have been SUPER *busy* (that is the word we use when they have been especially rambunctious to avoid negative type casting) lately and it has taken all my waking hours just to keep them corralled and safe.  More on that in the NonSoapy Journal entry that I am hoping will be on the way tomorrow. 

For today in the Fatastic Journal, I want to say that my progress has slowed down, which is OK.  I’m willing to wait (but not too long).  I lost one inch (that was an average of + an inch here and – a couple of inches there) and one pound provided it perched on the scale just so.  That takes me down to 215 for the first time in about 3 years. The smallest I’ve been since Dylan was born in 1997 is 209 and the smallest I’ve been since Delena was born in 1992 is 197.  I am praying to see those numbers come and go in the near future.  Again, as with the beginning of every week, I’m even more dedicated to getting out of this fat suit.  I had a really interesting insight while we were out to brunch on Sunday that gave me yet another window into the box that holds the answer to why I compulsively eat (more on that coming) and why I need my food comfort even when my life around me is sooo good.  I am so grateful for all these little sparks of insight about myself that seem to crop up, usually, unsolicited.   

I started back into the Body Flexing again and it feels wonderful.  The biggest challenge is not being able to eat in the morning until I can do it and it sometimes being HOURS before the boys give me the 15-18 minutes undisturbed that I need to do it.  It feels really good and I work up a good sweat.  I was really surprised that I hadn’t lost more ground with it having not done it to speak of for 2-3 weeks.  It is such a great program and as annoying as I find the woman who promotes it, I do have to say that it really, really works.   

I know I’m holding big fluid because I’m going to start my period any second now.  I miss my nightly walks with Dr Phil and I’ll be starting those up with him chattering on in my ear, reminding me to “stay real” starting tomorrow.   

A person victory is that when I went to my favorite thrift shop yesterday (if anyone lives in the Sacramento area, drop a line to get direction to the coolest thrift shop in the area with a huge rack of fat people clothes!), I picked up some jeans (yep, reallll jeans) and tried them on and after much huffing and puffing and sucking in of the gut, I managed to zip into a size 18 (yaaaaaaayyy – the crowd goes wild).  This is the first time I’ve bought a size that didn’t start with a 2 in forever.  Granted, once I got them home, put them on for brunch and went out and ATE, they were mercilessly uncomfortable and riding up my Netherlands like nobody’s business, but they were on and zipped.  In a few pounds, they’ll be comfy, then I’m going to start weeding out stretch pants. 

The insight I was talking about happened when we were at Hometown Buffet having brunch with the kids like we do every Sunday morning.  I was having a good time, making good choices, nibbling away and suddenly I felt really overwhelmed with sadness as I looked at all the people who happened to be there with their mothers.  I really, really missed my mom then.  I hadn’t really stopped to think about it in a long, long time, but I didn’t really miss MY mom, as in the person she is now, but I miss the mom that I feel like I deserved for so long.  I desperately missed having an older, wiser woman that I could come to and cry in her apron and have her rub my hair (that’s it!  I want Lesley Webber!) and tell me it’s going to be OK and kick me in the ass when I need it and be a guiding light.  I miss having not had that for the past 30 years or so and I am really getting tired of having to forge my own way through the wildernesses of life.  There have been a couple of times when I’ve had surrogate mothers who have come and gone and that was wonderful.  Lives inevitably took up to different places and we lost contact, but it was nice for a while and gave me a feeling of groundedness.  I know that one will come to me, in real life, because I have wished it, so I’m on the lookout for my new mom.  J  I have lots of friends on the net and I’m grateful for them, but this has to be a hands-on, in person person.  I’m not really looking for a peer, but for an elder who has been around more roads than me (and I’ve walked an atlas), is smarter than me (and I’m a tough act to follow) and is loving, caring and wise.  Imagine that this is the set of Mary Poppins and those paper pieces are reassembling and flying up into the clouds as we speak.  I’ll letcha know when she gets here! 

May 22, 2001
10:30am

The absence of posting isn’t an aversion.  Just wanted to check in and let you know that all is well.  I decided not to weigh and measure on Friday (even though I’d been faithful) because I could tell I was holding some fluid and I didn’t want to read depressing results.  I’ll catch it this week.  I chose to eat stuff I shouldn’t over the weekend (real soda, several cookies) and it made me really sick by Sunday night.  I just can’t do it like I used to.  My body has become accustomed to the reduced levels of refined sugar and while it can have fun with it from time to time, a huge onslaught spikes out the sugar levels too high and makes me physically sick.  That’s a good thing to know.  The very thing that got me this fat and made me thrive and feel fulfilled before is now something that my body rejects.  I guess I really am on the road to health.  I want to try and walk today (yesterday was a garage cleaning aerobics day), Friday was gardening aerobics and Sunday was housecleaning.  I miss my walks with Dr Phil.   

That’s funny.  I was just watching The View while I type and they had a commercial for Senakot laxative with people singing, “I Feel Good” (the James Brown song).  I’m not sure what was so funny about it to me, but a bunch of yuppies thrusting their fists in the air saying, “I feel good (I knew that I would now) cause I was finally able to take a shit” just cracked me up.  Hey, I’m an easy laugh sometimes. 

A month or so ago when the made for TV show “When Billie Beat Bobbie” aired, Billie Jean King was on The View with Holly Hunter, who played her in the movie.  Billie Jean King, who was one of the foremost female athletes of the seventies, was FAT.  I mean, she was a little plumpins.  It was weird.  Kathleen Turner, who is soooo beautiful, used to be a stick, but now she’s considerably rounder.  Jane Fonda, the icon of exercise videos, has now said that the body she had when she was pimping all those videos was unhealthy.  Do my eyes deceive me, or are even the super models starting to have rounder hips, fuller faces and a healthier appearance?  Dr Christiane Northrup says that only approximately 3% of women can achieve physically (not just lack of will power) the body of a model.  Are the fat girls winning?  Is our standard of beauty shifting away from anorexic waif boylook to the round, voluptuous woman shape that we can actually achieve?  We can only hope.

May 16, 2001
1:45pm

As I was walking the kids to the park to play, I was flipping through my mental rolodex looking for a thought to meditate upon and what floated to the surface of my Magic 8 Ball was the signature block of my pal, Abbie:

"If you woke up breathing, congratulations! You have another chance!"

Isn't that just the truth?  Every day that we open our eyes to another morning, we have a new day, filled with hours, each one ripe and bursting with the potential to change our lives.  It's an opportunity right any number of wrongs that we have inflicted on ourselves or others.  Each day, regardless of how we ate the day before or the week before or the year before, we have a new opportunity to turn around our lives and our eating and exercise habits and go after that new body we want.   There is a secret that we have to remember, however.  We can want it and we can go after it, but at no time is that next day or next minute or next chance guaranteed.  This may be all we ever have.  That is why when we are living as a fat person, whether it's fat going toward thin or fat staying fat or fat getting fatter, we have to LIVE.  A friend of mine was one concerned about the depth of my depression over being fat.  She said, "Do you want your kids to remember you fat, happy and sitting in the floor licking the beaters from the cake you just made or tense, angry, scared, hungry, grumpy and depressed because all you've eaten is a salad and you only lost 2 pounds that week?"  Of course, we have to work to lose the weight.  It didn't go on overnight and it's going to probably take about twice as long to take it off as it did to put it on.  It's a long, hard journey, but it's one we have to make with pride and dignity and joy, not deprivation, anger, depression and daily defeat, obsessing over every pound's fluctuation.  Our life is too precious to waste freaking out over our hips or our tummies.  Life is to be lived and savored and basked in every minute of every day.  How can we do that if we are focused on where our next cupcake will come from or whether our son is going to get to that last scoop of mashed potatoes before we can?  Likewise, how can be relish every moment of we are self-flagellating over a big ice cream cone or a sloppy cheeseburger that we ordered?  If you are going to fall off the wagon, do it on purpose and with great dignity.  Like Buzz Lightyear, "Falling with Style."  Let it happen, lap up every drop of hot fudge on that ice cream and be glad you did.  Run an extra mile, walk around the block one more time, do an extra set of Body Flex and call it a day.  Enjoy life, every moment of it, whether you are fat or thin.  Don't waste time feeling guilty if you made a choice that didn't fit in to your diet plan.  MAKE it fit.  Say, "I'm going to do it.  I'm going to do it and I'm going to love it.  I'm not going to hide.  I'm not going to be embarrassed or ashamed.  I'm not going to deprive myself today, at this moment.  I'm going to savor every bite, just like I do every other part of my life and I'm not going to beat myself up over it."  Then take responsibility for it and do a little more exercise.  Life is so, so good and if it's not, make it that way!

May 16, 2001
9:45pm

Man, I am starving today.  I've been eating like Pac-Man all day.  It's cool with me.  I've learned to be gentle with myself and just go with the flow and not let the guilt monster get me.  I did three hours of gardening yesterday and got my back and side yards cleaned, as well as a lot of the front flower gardens weeded.  Tonight is walking with Dr Phil, so I'm looking forward to that.  :)  I've listened to his books on tape so many times it's a wonder they still play, but I still focus on something new every time I hear them.  That guy is such an inspiration.  I'll never forget the first time I read Life Strategies.  I had just married Eric and didn't know what to do with my life now that I was starting to get to where I wanted to be.  The dark and scary past of being a single parent, handling everything alone, often feeling very unloved and unworthy, was suddenly behind me.  There was now love, there was financial relief (somewhat) and there was companionship and assistance. Now that the crisis was over and I was in a safe place, I was falling apart.  I watched an episode of Oprah where Dr Phil was speaking and he made so much sense that I bought the book.  I started reading it and one minute I was reading about Oprah's battle with the Texas cattlemen and the next minute, I was in tears because my life was such a wreck.  I went through the book, did the exercises he suggested and learned more about myself in that week than I had in the previous 36 years I'd lived.  It was a long haul, but I was able to get a grip on what I wanted in my life, what was working and what was not.  I'm so grateful that I had a loving and caring husband who midwifed me through my new birth and helped me exorcise my old demons.  I had been on autopilot for 25 years, just going through the motions of life, being an effect, terrified of ever being a cause.  As Phil would put it, I wasn't one of the ones who "got it."  When I suddenly "got it" as a result of his book, I was simultaneously thrilled, terrified and overwhelmed.  I was suddenly living in the world, in the moment, in my life and was awake and aware for the first time in forever.  Since then, I've bought the book for and recommended it to about a million people.  Relationship Rescue is just as good, even if your relationship doesn't need rescuing.  Now, I listen to Life Strategies about every 6 months or so just to stay sharp and Relationship Rescue about as often just to stay clear on the bonding strategies he recommends.  

So back to today, I'm eating up a storm and I'm not really sure why.  I've been all over it objectively.  I'm not bored or feeling insecure or inconvenienced or frustrated or any of my usual triggers.  Eric and I are in a good place right now, the kids are being great, I'm doing site work, my house is decently clean and I'm not overly tired.  I'm just overly hungry.  I just ate some leftovers from last night's dinner:  stir-fried chicken and veggies with a little Hawaiian roll.  This morning, I had 4 (count'em - 4) chocolate-chip M&M cookies (and they was gooooood).  I've had three big glasses of Diet Dr Pepper and not a drop of water.  >:<    I'm feeling full now and that's the good news.  It's almost noon now, so I can at least make the rest of the day full of better choices and walk my ass off (literally) later today.  I feel bigger, probably from retaining fluid from the diet soda.  I'm starting to wonder if I should wait a week before measuring on Friday.

Spirits are still good and if I have a day that isn't a stellar weight loss day, I'm not going to panic.  Life is still very good.  :)

May 12, 2001
9:45pm

I had a very telling situation come up today that I wanted to share with all of you.  I have written before in my journal about how my husband feels about my weight.  He is 15 years younger than I am and always dated Barbie dolls before we married.  Before and after our marriage, he made no bones (ow, sorry for the pun) about the fact that he likes his women lean, strong, healthy and athletic, but soft in all the right places.  My weight was a thorn in our collective side since we married.  I always knew that he hated my body and that has made me uncomfortable being naked in front of him.  I cringe if we are cuddling and he pulls me on top of him or if he reaches around me to cuddle me from the back and loses his hand in the flesh of my tummy.  For the first two years or so we were married, he was very verbal about his disappointment that I just couldn’t seem to lose the weight or make any significant progress.  When I became pregnant with Nathan in December of 1998, I had just lost 20 pounds and he had been so happy.  His joy over the pregnancy was eclipsed by his disappointment that, being very sick at first and then having a hard pregnancy, I was not able to continue the weight loss.  The pregnancy put a hold on everything he was looking forward to having and saw within his reach.  I finally got his head straightened out on that, with the help of a sympathetic midwife.  After I had the baby, he was so excited that I was smaller from the pregnancy being gone, that it stayed him over for a while.  A few months later, he  was ready for me to start putting some effort into it again.  He would be fine about my weight for a few weeks, but then he would see a woman the size he wanted me to be or see a dress he wanted me to wear and it would strike a chord and he’d be fussing about it again.  He really started curbing his tongue on it when I got him to see how much it really hurt me for him to lash out about his disappointment.  Our last big issue about it was back in February.  He saw some woman at work that really impressed him and his anger over my Unweight loss hit full blossom in nothing flat.  For two days, he was inconsolable and begged me to tell him what he had done wrong that made me want to punish him by staying fat.  It was a very teary and painful time and it was really difficult to convince him that the fat was not about HIM in any particular way, that it was about ME.  We made it through and about a week later, he told me that he loved me and didn’t really care if I ever lost the weight any more.  He said that the most recent upheaval over my weight had put it into prospective for him and that he would focus on the wonderful things about me rather than this one thing I did not seem able to give him, at least not right now.  He sounded so defeated that I determined to lose it to never have him feel that way again.  Somewhere around there, the fat journal was born.  

Today, Eric and I got into an argument about something stupid and I fussed at him for his seeming inability to totally quit smoking.  He's been working on this for about two years.  The advice I had given him all along was to decided whether he was going to be a smoker or not be a smoker and to be at peace with that rather than feeling guilty about it when he strayed.  I did ask that he not smoke in front of the kids.  He normally now has 1-2 cigarettes a day at work and never smokes at home.  Normally, our dynamics are such that we will not play judge and jury for one another.  We took that element out back in February at the last fight and said that we would always be advocate for the other and not think so critically as to make the other accountable to us.  Neither of us is a “boss” of the other one and we should just love and not critique, while understanding that the other will be doing the best they can and what they feel is right.  It was going really well until this morning when I lugged my ass out of bed, sleepy as hell from being up through the night with Nathan, at 5am and let him sleep in until 10am.  As soon as he was out of the bed and dressed, he started griping about the fact that I had not kept the house clean while watching the kids when he was sleeping.  There were toys around and about and the cushions were off the couch where Dylan and Nathan had been playing "jump."  I actually HAD cleaned the house twice, including the kids' room where two toy boxes had been dumped TWICE.  I had also risked waking him by vacuuming when Nathan squashed a package of crackers he absconded with from the kitchen.  In my tired, bleary-eyed, emotional state, his bitching about the house before 'good morning' crossed his lips hit me wrong and I went off on him.  Somehow the smoking came up.   I think that because he was being judgmental about the house, I whipped out my trump card and slammed it on the table.  Bu-BAM!  He looked really hurt and asked why I was throwing that in his face when I knew he was really trying.  I shot back that it was like my weight, that he knew how hard I was working on it, but he didn’t hesitate to bring it up.  He then reminded me that he had not ONCE brought up my weight, mentioned anything I was eating or done anything but praise my successes since February.  I stopped to think about it and realized he was right.  He told me that he’d said he didn’t care if I was fat forever, that he loved me anyway, and he meant it.  I felt really bad about it, not just because it took all the wind out of my argument’s sails (*BUSTED*), but because I’d been so driven in losing weight FOR Eric that I had put false pretenses onto him.  Now mind you, I want to lose it for me as well, mostly for me, in fact, but his disappointment and defeatedness when he told me back in February that he had basically given up was what motivated me during the times that I didn’t want it for myself as much as I wanted the cookie or the Dr Pepper.  My friend, Mystic, asked me during my time off recently if I was sure I was doing this for myself and not for Eric and I gave it consideration and said that I was.  Eric's stuff was definitely in there, but the prime interests were my own.  So this was actually recently evaluated, but now I had a new facet to the situation.  

I had to go out and run some errands not long after our argument and that gave me time to think.  I knew he was sincere about it really being OK if I didn’t lose the weight and that was the first time IN MY LIFE I had ever thought that if I wanted to, I could eat cookies, mashed potatoes, drink REAL soda, eat all the Krispy Kreme donuts I wanted and not lose my husband or feel like I had failed anyone.  I had the total freedom to do what I wanted, eat what I wanted, be what I wanted and weigh what I wanted.  I drove right to the donut shop and ordered up a couple.  Our psychic connection being totally on, he called me up as I drove into the drive through.  ["Hi Honey.  I'm sorry we were uncuddly."  "I'm sorry too, sweetie.  But you're right, you have been really good about my weight and it was wrong of me to not honor how great you've been about coming to terms with my fat."  "It's OK.  I know it's hard.  Where are you?  It doesn't sound like you're driving."  "I'm driving.  I'm just driving very slowly."  "(laugh) Are you stuck in traffic?"  "Well, kind of.  Just a second, hon - (muffled)  I'd like two glazed and a regular Mountain Dew please."  "What was that?"  "That was Mr Krispy Kreme Drive Through Man."  "(laugh)  Well, hon, enjoy them!  Bring one home to me!"  "I will, Sweetie.  Love you."  "Love you too.  Bye!"]  So I ordered up a coupla hot glazed and a soda.  I was so eager to eat them without the guilt.  I had one and it was soooo yummy.  I went for the second one and couldn’t do it.  I was in sugar overload and while it had really tasted good, I was done.  I didn’t need or even want any more.  I dumped the soda and sucked on the ice and saved the donut to give to Josh.  It was then that I realized that I’m fully not doing this for Eric any more.  I really, really am doing it for me.  I want to be a regular sized person again.  I want to feel proud of how I look and what I have accomplished.  For the first time in years and years, if ever, I can see myself in the future feeling satisfied with how I look and what I am able to wear.  I know that it’s going to happen this time and that donut told me that it’s already happening.  It has its own momentum and THAT is what will now carry me through the more difficult times.  As Eric says, "the future has take root in the seed of today."

When I was in the grocery store waiting for the slowest deli worker in the world to shave my pound of honey ham, I thought about choices and how long I’ve been saying, “It’s so hard!  It’s sooo hard to make the right food choices and make myself do the exercisinggggg.”  Then I thought about the part of myself that wants to pig out on the junk and screw off instead of exercising and I realized how childish it sounded.  “But I want to eat TWO donuts!!  C’mon, mom, lemme have TWO DONUTS or I’M GOING TO MAKE YOU FEEL BAD!!”  “But I don’ WANNA walk tonight!!  It’s chilly out!  It’s dark and I’m scared!  I’m tired!”  I sound just like a whining little kid.  “I don’ wanna”  “Gimme gimme gimme.”  I thought of how *I* am in control and not that little kid any more.  I can tell that child self, “No, not before dinner” or “No, you can’t eat the whole cake” and have that be all there is to it.  “You’ve already had your dessert, but you can have something good for you if you are still really hungry.”  “You may not like to exercise/go to school/clean your room, but it’s something that you have to do even if there are times you don’t want to.”  “I know you want the soda instead of the water, but your body needs water to be healthy and soda makes it sad.”  I’m a mom.  I can do this.  I took my half pound of honey ham from the clerk (I have cookie sheets and underwear older than that clerk), noting that it was a half pound instead of the pound I requested and didn’t dare to ask for the other half and spend another twenty introspective minutes at the deli, so I cut my losses and split. 

I guess what I’m saying is that through an argument with my husband, I was catalyzed into realizing a number of things.  One is that even though he’d long ago (well, not that long) let go of his demands and fervent hopes in regard to my weight loss, I had continued to hold those for him and had put that between us rather than take him at his word when he said he was finished feeling bad that I am fat.  I should have accepted that and noticed that he had made peace with my body.  It also showed me that I am definitely not doing this for him, although his pride in me and my new body is going to be a fantastic reward when we get there and as we get there.  I know he’s afraid to hope for fear of being disappointed again.  I know how that feels because until this week, that is where I lived.  This week, I really began to believe that this is going to happen and to allow myself to eagerly anticipate it.  Honestly, I can practically feel the pounds falling off of me most of the time.  It feels like it’s happening on it’s own and that the good food choices are now the norm.  I never thought I’d get to a place where my son would offer me Milk Duds and I’d take 4-5, say thanks and be glad for it without wanting the whole box.  (This coming from a woman who has literally pulled out couch cushions looking for M&M's or other goodies that may have fallen there at some past time)  That doesn’t feel normal to me now, thank goodness.  I miss the fruits and veggies now when I don’t have them and my taste for meat is even backing off significantly (not a word, Karen – these things must be done delicately or the spell will be broken).  I miss the water and crave it when I don’t drink it, even though I still don't care for its taste.  So it’s all working out and I’m happy that this is all carrying itself along now.  In my 23 years of enforced weight loss, I’ve never been “here” before and it feels pretty good.  It has always been a struggle before and I don’t feel like I’m fighting now.  I’m just living. J

See ya!

May 11th, 2001
9:00am

I rule!  I rule!  I totally, utterly rule.  There is no doubt at all about the fact I rule.

You must sing the above line to the tune of "Hi Ho" by the Seven Dwarves for the full effect.  

Ahhhh.  Bassssssking in success!  Number, NUMBERS, you cry!  OK, here's where it sits:

Weight:  216    Down 4 POUNDS since last week

Measurements:  Down 5.5 inches from last week!!  That's only 1 inch away from my smallest since I started the Fatastic Journal!!  Granted, it's all a bit redistributed, but it's still overall loss.  I only Body Flexed about 3 times last week, but I did the walks and the manual labor and got that period out of the way, so I guess that helped!  The weight is the lowest I've been in months and months.  The lowest I've been in the past three years is 209, so we're going to barrel through that little wall like it's a knife through butter (mmmm butter).  Crash the gate doing 98, well, 198 anyway.  I'm going to be below 200 in nothing flat!  (Well, maybe my tummy flat!!  No, not really.  After 6 kids, I expect miracles, but not ones of those caliber!)  I'm going to go drink some waa-waa!  Thanks for all those letters of support!

May 10th, 2001
9:30pm

Tomorrow is the big day of the week:  weigh and measure day.  I’m feeling pretty optimistic, but I’ve been let down before!  I know I’m still retaining a bit of fluid, but I’ve been drinking decent amounts of water (although not 110 ounces like I should – somewhere over about 80 ounces I start to float).  I wasn’t able to do any exercise tonight because I have some kind of bug or something making me feel crappy.  By the time Eric got home from work at 5:30, I was in my nightgown and in bed with Nathan crawling all over me.  I’ve enjoyed doing the manual labor in lieu of more formal exercise, plus I have something to show for it at the end of the time.  My eating was not all that great today because feeling sick, nothing really tasted good and I kept trying.  I didn’t have any dinner, so I guess that trades it off.  

I’ve pretty much decided that I’m just going to do one day at a time, working to live healthily and slowly integrate the good changes into my life.  I told Karen that this is the last year, one way or another, that the weight figures prominently into my focus.  It’s been a top priority and sense of failure for more than 20 years and I’m either going to have incorporated enough positive changes into my lifestyle that I find a healthy weight or I’m going to be comfortable being fat.  I’m tired of battling this and making it a big issue.  I’m exercising, I’m drinking water where I never did before and I’m eating better, so this can never be a bad thing.  

I’ll let you know how the number stack up tomorrow! 

May 8, 2001
9:30pm

Hi All.  Just a quick check in.  After a visit from Aunt Flo, ahem, I knocked off those other two pounds, so I’m fortunately back down to my 220 starting point.  I will NEVER go over that again.  I’ve been making good choices in eats still.  Most nights I skip dinner or eat really lightly, then eat bigger meals toward the top of the day.  That seems to work out for me OK.  Been drinking the water, but can’t get over that 64 oz point, it seems, without feeling like I’m going to float away.  Exercise has been great.  I didn’t Body Flex since Friday, but yesterday I went out for a really long, energetic walk just as the sun was going down.  That was wonderful.  I walked for a solid 50 minutes, smelling the flowers that are heavily in bloom in CA right now.  I live in such a nice neighborhood.  I really love Sacramento.  I got a good sweat going and was a bit sore today, so that’s good.  I had Dr Phil talking to me about Life Strategies via my headphones and that was extremely motivational.  Tonight, I was all excited about walking again and *busted*, I forgot Eric had to take Josh to visit his girlfriend, so I couldn’t leave the house.  Damn!  I had really been looking forward to it.  Dylan was asleep, but Nathan was definitely open for business, so I asked Eric to take him with him, which he did, and I got all set to do some treadmillling.  Got the damned thing out and set up and realized my heart just wasn’t in it, so I went outside and gardened AGGRESSIVELY for an hour.  I was hula hoing, pulling weeds, bagging weeds, moving dirt, etc.  It was great and I was covered with sweat and really felt the work out, plus, it was actually productive time!  

Oh, something funny happened while I was out on my walk last night.  I was on the last little bit and the one side of my Dr Phil tape had already run out, so I had it off.  I came upon this little old woman who had a perfectly immaculate yard, standing at the end of her driveway, squirting stuff into the cracks of the pavement.  I’m figuring weed killer since her lawn was so nice (and her house was pretty elegant as well).  What was funny is that this well groomed little old white-haired lady in her well groomed lawn in front of her well groomed house, smiled briefly when I greeted her, then scowled like a Mad Ball and said, “F*cking ants.”  I about ate off the inside of my face to keep from laughing and we talked about what vile creatures they are when they get into your house.  It was great.  I give thanks again to Eric who made me not afraid to talk to people.  

I am again eager for weights and measures on Friday!  Keep on trucking, dahlings!

May 4, 2001
1:30 pm

Fatastic! 

Well, sort of.  I had some progress, but not as much as I had hoped.  I tried this week a lot more than the previous ones.  I did my Body Flex really intensely every day, with extra sets and giving it my all.  I walked the kids to the park every day, which gives me a good mile of pushing a stroller filled with about 80 pounds of kids, plus chasing them around, lifting them to monkey bars, etc.  It may not sound like much, but it’s more active than sitting at the computer.  I’ve gotten much better with my food choices.  I’ve cut my consumption of candy and cookies (which used to be considerable), down to once or twice a week and fried food is almost nonexistent.  I eat tons more fruit and vegetables and drink more water than I did two months ago.  When I have soda, it’s diet.  The good thing is that this way of eating now feels normal to me.   

The thing is, I’m not progressing as fast as I would like, so I’m going to have to up the ante a bit, put out a little more on the exercise and say no a little more to the tension eating.  It’s gotten much better, but it could be even better than it is. 

I can see that it will happen.  I will look much different in a year.  But I also know that I have to do this gradually and integrate the healthy changes in a few at a time.  If I start running 2-3 miles a day now, I will definitely lose faster, but I have no interest in doing that for the rest of my life, so as soon as I stop doing it, the weight will come back on.  I need to do things that I can continue doing for life.  If I walk that distance every day, I can live with that.  Maybe I’ll work up for a run, but although I can do that now, I really don’t enjoy it.  So for now, I’m adding the walking.  I said I would do it last week, but it didn’t happen, so I have to get more assertive and determined. 

Today was weight and measures day.  I lost one pound, taking me back down to 222.  On my measurements, I went down 4”, giving me an overall loss of 12 inches in 2 months.  At one time, before my jump from the wagon, I was down 15.5 inches.  I’m sure that will be off in the next couple of weeks.   

So I’m still on the path!  Oh, I wanted to tell you all that I tried Dexatrim Natural, the Green Tree formula that is ephedrine-free.  It worked GREAT.  I didn’t have any speedy feelings, just good energy.  My fill button was very sensitive and I ate about half what I would normally eat.  I was able to go a lot longer without eating.  I really, really felt good.  It’s cheap, comparatively speaking, and very effective. 

I’ll check in next Friday when I weigh and measure!

April 26, 2001
11:55pm

My boys have been SO BUSY this week that sitting down to the computer has been a real luxury, so here I am at 11:00 at night, blindly pecking away through drop dead tired eyelids that just want to cloooooose.  Five a.m. is going to come mighty early when Nathan is open for business.  I know that there are things I need to journal about and try to work out and this seems to be my only chance to do it.  I only hope I’m cognizant enough to make sense of it.  Just bear with me, scroll past whatever you choose and drop it entirely if I get too rambly or nonsensical.   

My first thought is to write, “I am failing,” but I know that is too negative to start out a healing session.  Regardless, that is the feeling that I can’t seem to shake.  “I am bigger” is a definite fact.  Took my measurements today, a day early, because I wanted to play with a toy on www.landsend.com.  They have a virtual model there and you can program in your measurements, see what your body shape looks like (warning:  do not under any circumstances turn the model around to look at her backside unless you are sitting on yours and wearing protective eye gear.  Laws, what an ass that girl had!), try on their different clothes (lousy selection) and see how they look before you buy them.  I couldn’t figure out how to get the clothes on the model, but I will give it another try later.  I have to admit that I was surprised to find that I had gained another 3 inches in a week, so that makes a total of 6.5 inches I’ve put back on my overall midsection.  I did lose a half inch on each thigh this week or else it would have been 7.5 inches.  Discouraged, I figured that I had probably lost a little weight if I had dropped the tightness of the muscles that was holding me in before. Put the scale on the shower floor (no more carpet weighing for me!) and found I’d gained another 3 pounds, boosting me up to 223.  The highest I’ve been in 5 years is 226.  I’m almost there. 

I have not been able to Body Flex and the reason is not motivation because I really do want this to happen.  It is because there are kids on me 24/7 and I just can’t seem to do those tummy crunches with kids sitting on me.  It just got to be not worth the effort.  Eric is very understanding and supportive and has offered to watch the kids while I work out, but he just started a different job with MCI and is having to work late hours.  By the time I get him home, I’m in the process of feeding kids, then he eats, then we get the kids to bed, then I collapse with no motivation to do ANYTHING after 13-15 hours of kids.  I need to go away to a spa or a retreat and spend time in total tranquility, looking at the big old “You are Here” map of my life and doing some serious evaluation.  I’m at a point where I believe I’ve purged all the old voices of my parents and my ex and I seriously don’t think there are any more monsters in there undermining my efforts.  But something is.  Overall, I have made very positive changes.  I now drink diet soda instead of regular and damned little of that.  I normally drink water and lots of it, but for the past few days it just hasn’t been grabbing me and I’ve had to work hard to force down even half of what I’m supposed to (110 oz).  I very seldom eat candy any more and that is a major accomplishment.  I still have a soft spot for cookies and nurture foods.  Tonight, I went out to eat with my sweetie and had a nice big side salad, a bowl of baked potato soup, about a cup of garlic mashed potatoes, a couple of pieces of brown bread and maybe an ounce of steak, the rest of which I wrapped for tomorrow.  Normally, I would have had a second bowl of soup (easily, it’s so yummy), a lot more bread, polished off that steak and had desert.  I was comfortable and satisfied, so I know there is some progress. 

I’ve been doing a lot of thinking since my vacation about how I’ve been fighting this battle for over 20 years now.  I have spent so much of my life tying up my self worth (or lack thereof) in my weight.  I’ve taught myself that I will be able to be happy when I’ve lost 80 pounds.  Happiness is always pending, I guess because I feel as if I don’t deserve happiness if I can’t be a success and lose this weight.  It bothers me that if I died tomorrow, I would have spent half of my life waiting for the weight to be gone so I could get on with life.  I don’t even know HOW to be happy; how to even start.  I feel good.  I love where my husband and I are in our lives and the only real challenge I have is keeping up the site around two very active and creative little boys on a daily basis.  I love them to pieces and have a lot of fun with them, but it’s also very mentally and emotionally strenuous work.  There is a really good reason why stay-at-home moms have the highest suicide rate in occupational demographics.  It’s very hard, thankless and mind-numbing work.  I love it, I love them and I wouldn’t do it any differently, but damn!  It’s a toughie!  I know from my grown kids that if you believe your kids are ever going to understand why you did the things you did the way you did them or thank you for taking the smaller piece of chicken, for deciding you weren’t hungry after all because there’s not enough Kraft Mac and Cheese, for wearing underwear held together by the elastic band connecting the holes together so someone could have the new Pokemon folder, it ain’t going to happen.  That’s why it’s thankless.  There are wonderful, cuddly benefits to the mom thing, but you have to soak those up for yourself and absorb the beauty of it rather than expecting that you are ever going to be thanked in the Valedictorian speech.  When the kids are tough, I go get some nurture food and then I fill (ful)filled enough to nurture them some more.  I don’t have a clue how to get that fulfillment anywhere else.  I know it’s not good for my focus to be so strongly on losing the weight to solve the issues, but unfortunately, a lot of the issues I have WILL be solved when the weight is off.  Sex really will be better.  The kids really won’t be ashamed of my fat any more.  Eric really will be proud of how I look.  I really will be able to wear pretty clothes for a change.  I really will feel and look better.  That can’t be denied.  So what I tripping up my progress and motivation. 

A friend of mine speculated that I was doing this more for Eric than for myself and I seriously mulled that idea over and determined that I really do want it more for me than for him.  If he were gone, I’d still do it because I’m just done with this shape and size. I want more in my life than what I can do weighing 223 pounds.  I want to lose and not gain.  I just can’t seem to find my go button to do it and I’m really scared now that it’s going up instead of down.  I’ve got to try and get back on the system, some system and just do it.  I want it, but I can’t find it.  I know there are wisdoms working themselves out in my head, but it’s almost impossible to find the stillness to hear them any more.   

I think I have my answer.  I think what I’m going to have to do to accomplish both tasks is to go back to running outside again.  I used to before we moved off base, but haven’t since we have lived civilian.  I have always loved listening to books on cassette while I run and I just ordered 3 that I’ve been eager to get into.  If I start running after Eric gets home and force everyone to wait on dinner (poor lambs), I can get in a good two miles a night, listen to my tapes, try and think through my issues, get some time alone and maybe knock off this weight once and for all.  I want to lose 70-80 pounds.  I don’t need to get down to 120 or 110, especially since I have a large body frame.  Getting down to 140 or so would give me a healthy size and shape.  I might even be able to work in some Body Flexing as well.  It just isn’t working for me to try and exercise at home any more, so I have to try a different strategy.  I keep forgetting those stupid Chromium Picolinates.  You have to take them four times a day and I’m lucky to remember 1 multivitamin.  Maybe if I can come up with a system for them, it will help with some of the eating.  I’d love to try the Xenedrine or Metabolife that people are having such great luck with, but I can’t take them while nursing, so that kind of trashes that idea.  The next day or so is grocery day, so maybe I can start buying different foods.  I want foods that taste good and will do a minimum of damage.   

Well, I think the epiphany of running at night again has blown my brain cell for the night, so I’m going to go crash.  All of you hang in there and find the path that works for you.  I have total faith that you are all going to be right where you want to go. 

April 18th, 2001
4:00pm

Happy Measuring Day!

I guess that should read "moderately content" measuring day or "grumblingly understanding" measuring day.  Did I really think I'd get through a vacation from dieting and exercising only to find that, miracle of miracles!  I've dropped another 6 inches and lost 5 pounds (well, yes I did).  The damage was not as bad as I could have been, but my dream didn't exactly come true either.  I'm up 2 pounds (and I thought the scale was STUCK at 220!  silly me!) and 3.5" overall.  That puts me at a gain of 2 pounds since I started the Fatastic Journal and down a total of 12 inches.

I'm Body Flexing once a day, occasionally twice, and drinking about a gallon of water a day.  I'm being careful, but not frantic about what I eat and I'm starting to strongly suspect that I'm going to have to go to some other exercise activity at night and cut back more on calories if I'm going to get past this hump (the one on my ass).  I've been trying to get to "something" in the evening, yoga, Callanetics, running, whatever, for the past month and can never seem to make it.  The nights are so busy with Eric wanting to eat as soon as he gets home, then getting the kids squared away for be and the house under control for the night.  It always seems like that I want to do it, but fall into bed around 11pm having not done it.  I'll try again to reshift my priorities and get something going on.

I know I'm just tired and grumpy today and hoping for a miracle that didn't quite make it.  Maybe next time!

April 18th, 2001
4:00pm

I’m BACK!!!  You didn’t really think I’d stay away for long did you? *WHEW*  What a great vacation that was!!  I took roughly a week and a half off of the health and fitness wagon and went into the land of do as you please.  The good news is that I didn’t binge and didn’t totally go off exercising, even when I had my choice of things to do.  I did a lot of introspection work during those 7 free minutes I had during that time when my kids weren’t going ballistic.  I realized that what I really want is to be lean, strong and healthy and that it’s the trip there that I’m resenting so much.  I want it enough to take the trip, even if it’s not fun all the time.  I may take breaks now and then, but I’m finding that my tastes have changed enough that the bad stuff doesn’t have as much appeal as it once did.  Sure, it’s good, but it’s not worth buying clothes that are two digits and start with a “2”.  So I’m back in the limelight with my fantastic journal again.  I’ve had 70 ounces of water today and it’s just past 3pm, so I’ve got a nice 6-7 hours left and I’m more than half way there.  No sodas all day, which was my real vice during the days off.  It was nice to not feel guilty or worry about what I wanted to eat or do during that time, but I’m back to being a grown up now and understanding that if you want to dance the dance, you have to pay the piper.  I did my Body Flexing this morning and it felt really, really good.  I had done it about 4-5 times during the vacation because I thought it might feel good at the time and it did.  I can also feel that I’ve gotten a bit bigger from not regularly doing it twice a day.   

I’m still following the same plan that I did before the vacation.  It’s outlined at www.eyeonsoaps.com/AMC/kflex.htm.  It’s very excited to feel motivated again instead of locked into a cycle of deprivation and depression.  Now I feel excited about losing again and maybe even going so far as to broach a swimsuit before end of the year.  I don’t swim, mind you, but I just want to get into a swimsuit AND a pair of jeans.  Whoo Hooo!  I’m very ready to do it again.  This vacation did exactly what I wanted it to do and I’m grateful for the time.  (Eric was very kind during this time and bit his lip back on his disappointment that I was putting off or canceling out my plans to give him a thin wife.  It was all over his face BUT his words and actions were very supportive.) 

I’m really, really excited to report that two of my on-line friends have had INCREDIBLE success since I talked to you last.  My pal Karen has lost a total of 16 pounds since January (you GO GIRL!) and is busily cleaning out her closet in preparation of buying those new skinny clothes.  Another friend just started Body Flexing (I mean to tell you, that system ROCKS) and lost (sit down, take a breath, get ready) NINETEEN INCHES in just eight days!!!  ANOTHER of my online pals just navigated the treacherous waters of her birthday dinner at Red Lobster and made wonderful choices and STILL felt satisfied.  I’m so proud!  Ahhhh.  I am surrounded by such cool people. 

Anyway, wanted to let any of you who are interested know that The Fatastic Journal is back and will be updated as kids allow.  I’m so happy to be back on the path again and eagerly look forward to snapping those size 12 jeans over my flat tummy!! 

Love ya!

April 8th
9:00am

Hello Dear Ones,

I want to start by saying how much I especially appreciate, above and beyond all of my Eye On Soaps readers, those of you who take the time to check into my Fatastic Journal to share this walk with me.  (You are my favorites, you dedicated, wonderful people)  I regret that this will probably be my last Fatastic Journal entry for a while or maybe forever.  I'm not sure how this will flow, but I'm opening to where the Universe takes me.  I woke up this morning at 6am and just knew it was done, not just the journal, but the journey as well.  I'm not saying I won't lose weight and get fit, but I'm saying that I can't focus on that any more.  The message was loud and clear.  What's funny is that it's 9am and I still haven't eaten anything because I'm just not hungry, so it's not just a license to binge because I have no desire to do that.  I'm not even sure what it is, I just know that, at least for now, it's done.  I've developed a taste for some of the healthy foods I was eating and I do want to be more active, but I've decided to not continue the focus (which was penetrating every aspect of my life) on weight loss that I've had since I started this journal and even way before.  After exploring so many diets, so many exercises, so many programs, so many hopes, so many motivational tools, so many pep talks, I woke up this morning just feeling empty and sad about the whole thing.  

Please, do not let this reflect on your own journey in any way.  Who knows?  Maybe my role is all of this was to give you guys a bit of info here and there, turn you onto a book or video or somehow throw a light on where you are going.  I applaud your efforts and have total faith that you will be successful.  I'm not seeing my abort of the trip to the body of a Goddess as anti-success.  It's just going to take a different route or maybe go to a different place (it won't be up, I'm sure of that).  Don't be afraid to e-mail me (katrina@eyeonsoaps.com) and ask how I'm doing or bring it up.  It's not a taboo subject or anything.  I just need to work on other areas of my life exclusive of the weight loss and I'm finding it difficult to do that when it feels like everything I'm doing has to be boiled down to whether or not it's going to help or hurt my body.  I need to be more than that and I'm making myself, well, not.  

Please keep in touch.  Keep up with the NonSoapy Journal if you want to hear how things are going in my life and please, please know that I adore you all.

April 4th
1:45pm

Hi!  Remember me?  The lady who used to write in this journal?  :)  Sorry it's been so long, but I've had REALLY busy little boys and getting any computer time has been impossible.  I think about journaling all the time, but never can get seated long enough to actually do it. 

Checking in:  weight is the same, but I lost another 5 inches!!!  That's a total of 15.5 inches in about a month.  This time it was 1 inch off of upper abs, 2 inches off of lower abs and an inch off each thigh!  That was, admittedly, with a 3-day eating binge in the middle and missing a couple of Body Flexing days!!  I have two more days until my next measure.  I'm considering only measuring only every two weeks because I love seeing the big losses.  

I have put together a pamphlet of some of the best dieting advice I've gotten, along with my own hints on Body Flexing.  If anyone is interested, just e-mail me and I'll send it out.  I really can't say enough great things about BF, but don't want the fatastic journal to sound like an infomercial.

I've been having struggles with the food and every day seems to be a new battle.  I've had a lot of emotional challenges lately and it's so easy to want to anesthetize myself with the food.  I've been trying to substitute good choices for my not-so-healthy cravings and keep the water going, but the water has definitely not been optimal lately.  I bought bigger bottles, which helps.  

I'll try to keep you posted (no pun intended),

March 27th
2:30pm

As an FYI, after doing three weeks of no exercise except Body Flex and the last week of walks, I did some running on the treadmill just now and had not lost any stamina or strength.  The running felt exactly the same, so BF really works!

March 27th
2:00pm

So many people have written to ask were they can order the books and videos I've referenced in my journal that I have created a Fatastic Book and Video Store that you can access through the link above.  Hope this helps?  If you are looking for my own hints on Body Flexing and nutrition, just write me that the "E-mail Katrina" link above.

March 27th
1:30pm

Forgive Me Father, For I Have Sinned

Ah, the things I do for you guys!  Sorry it’s been so long since I last wrote, but my boys have been on a TEAR, quite the rampage.  The energy is off in the house for a few reasons and they are picking up on it and going nuts.  (More coming in the NonSoapy Journal later on that one)  That is severely limited my computer time and the time I’ve spent on necessary site work has been done among Nathan scratching and crawling and climbing and clicking buttons all over the computer.  It’s been quite a battle to get to even crank out a page of work. 

The thing is, I’ve written about 50 entries to the Fat Journal in my head, so I’ve been thinking about you guys a lot.  What did I do for you?  I didn’t just fall off the wagon, I jumped while it was barreling along at about 90 miles an hour.  My last day to Body Flex and do anything to even resemble watching what I eat was Friday.  On Saturday, the shee-at really hit the fan and I’d had enough.  I worked spiritually and mentally Saturday night on the weight loss, but all day Sunday and yesterday was a disaster.  Eric was fighting with Katrina, Josh’s girlfriend who lives with us (on top it was about her telling him, “No” when he told her to turn down her music, underneath it was about him wanting everyone of age that he was not married to OUT of his house), the boys were pinging off the walls from the negativity, Josh and I had a misunderstanding that got pretty intense, Eric spent all weekend working outside on his motorcycle, so I had the brunt of the Eveile kids and was getting more and more frazzled by the minute.  Yesterday was the worst day, some kind of delayed reaction.  I ate a package of soft chocolate chip cookies from the Albertsons’ bakery, I ate vanilla ice cream with Nestles Quick on it, I ate spice cake, I ate popcorn, I ate boiled chicken with macaroni, I drank a two liter bottle of Dr Pepper, for lunch I had a jumbo, 8oz burger with fat fries and then for dinner, I ate a turkey sandwich on wheat (because I’m on a diet).  I drank 4 ounces of water in the three days until last night. 

Now, I can tell you why it was for you, or why I’m pretending it was.  I can tell you how this really affects your body, or at least mine.  I now have very little energy and I’m really sluggish.  The verve I’d had from the Body Flex is gone and I’m dragging around like slug.  I am totally, utterly constipated and may need more than a fiber pills and a few gallons of water to fix that one.  I found myself (gulp) craving water last night.  My body really wanted it, so I snagged a bottle.  My insides feel jittery, greasy and yucky.  I feel like I’m going to fall over in a sugar coma at any second.  I ate totally out of control, on a rampage.  I did my Body Flex this morning and I could really feel how much weaker I was since I was out of practice.  I don’t like how this feels and I do like how I felt when I was eating right, drinking my water and exercising. 

Every day last week, I walked the kids to the park and played with them and when I mapped it out, I found that the distance was exactly a mile, so taking them can give me a good brisk walk, pushing kids and playing at the park as well.  I’ve decided to Body Flex every morning and then I’ll do something else, Body Flex, Yoga or running, in the evenings.  My body is wanting to do something else for variety, but I want to keep the oxygenation going and the isometrics.  After another month or so, I’m hoping to give the Callanetics Demon another shot.  It feels pretty good, so I’m running to catch up to the wagon and jumping on again.

March 19th
10:30pm

Sorry I haven’t written.  Believe me, it was lack of opportunity that got in the way and not lack of motivation. 

Night before last, Eric actually, off-handedly, said that he thought my ass looked smaller.  (score!)  I’ve been doing the Body Flex faithfully and have gone to 5 reps of each exercise position and doing the skipped breath routine.  I also hold the exhale for a count of 10. Tried 12, but couldn’t make it. Ran out of air.  I do it twice a day and now that I know the techniques, it takes me about 12 minutes a time.  I’d been lurking on the Body Flex support board, reading some really great results from other people.  Lots of inches were being lost.  I did my techniques and didn’t watch what I was eating as closely as I should.  I had ice cream.  I had cookies.  I even had some real soda (not much, just a glass).  Joe called today and said they received the box, so I got my old measurements from 10 days ago and took some new ones.  I was disappointed that I only lost a ½ inch on my waist, NOTHING on my upper abs, lower abs and things BUT (butt?) I lost (better sit down, kids) TEN INCHES around my hips and lower belly (my lower belly is nowhere near my lower abs).  YOWZER!!  That’s in ten days!!  I KNOW the measurements are right because I measured twice today and remember being freaked when I measured my hips last time (biggest part of me) and noting that my tape measure only went to 60” and my hips and lower belly measured 59”.  Another box of cookies and I’d be off the tape!  Shit!  But today, the same area was only 40”.  I am here to tell ya that this stuff works!  NOW I’m going to do it WITH the running every day or two and WITH the careful eating and get this knocked out.  Because my waist is still the same, my clothes all still fit and because they are stretchy, they are loose in the butt and upper thighs, but snap back pretty well.  My night gowns are longer than they were before, however.  I also noticed when I was going out about 3-4 nights ago that the long denim jacket I grabbed wrapped really far around me where it had a few months ago only been a little big.  Wow.  It really feels good.  If you’re going for the fast results, give it a try. 

Another thing I have found for those people interested in the prescription drug, Xenical.  [Xenical is a fat binding drug.  How is works is that when you eat a food that is high in fat, it only allows your body to absorb a certain amount of it, then flushes the rest out of your body via VERY loose stools – Eric calls it the “shit your pants diet” because the propaganda says, well, I’ll just quote it, “Since XENICAL blocks about one third of the fat in the food you eat, you may experience gas with oily discharge, increased bowel movements, an urgent need to have them and an inability to control them, particularly after meals containing more fat than recommended”  Give me more of that!]  Anyway, I found from a recommendation in the EXCELLENT book “Women’s Bodies, Women’s Wisdom” by Dr Christiane Northrup, a supplement called Chitosan.  It is derived from shell fish and is a fiber supplement that dose the same thing as Xenical but at a much lower price and naturally without chemical supplementation.  I took it for a week, thought it wasn’t doing anything, then Saturday night, at a huge plate of Lasagna.  I was up all through the night with diarrhea and cramps and gas.  Then, the next day, we took the kids to Pizza Hut and I had about 4 pieces of pepperoni with extra cheese and about 3 really good cheesy bread sticks and within just a couple of hours, I had the same problem again.  THAT’s when I realized the Chitosan (shitosan?) was doing its job.  It’s quite distasteful, I suppose, but it’s great incentive to watch what you eat!  During the week, when I was watching the fat content of my food even half-heartedly, I was fine.  As soon as I went nuts, it kicked in.   

So those are my two big sells of the week.  I’m totally impressed with Body Flex and the Chitosan really does work.  Stranger things in Heaven and Earth, Horatio, than are dreamt of in your philosophies.

March 15th, 2001
5:00pm

Some great sites:

I found a decent support group site if anyone decides to give the Body Flex system a try.  It's at Body Flex Support

There is also an advanced form of Body Flex available on this site:  The Skipped Breath

A really great personal journal to visit is WitchyMom's Weight Loss Journal.  It is a very enlightening and motivating from an educationally sound point of view.  Her candid and intelligent insight into the world of weight loss will spark instant identification for those on the same path.

Another cool site is Fit Day.com.  There you can chart your weight loss, calculate your calories burned, calories eaten and see where you stand nutritionally on a daily basis compared to the USDA recommendations.  

Hope you enjoy some of these!

March 15th, 2001
3:00pm

I was thinking lately about how many of my memories are dictated by the food involved.  I can remember very nearly every birthday in terms of the cake or ice cream that was there.  I remember my first cookie dough ice cream was at my thirtieth birthday.  My first ice cream cake from Dairy Queen was my 28^th birthday.  My mom ALWAYS made spice cake for my birthday until I left home and it was and is my favorite cake ever.  Ice cream was always vanilla/chocolate ripple, until the cookie dough discovery.  Many formal buffets are in my memory with steamship round, baked chicken, a wonderful green bean/almond/onion dish from the George AFB NCO Club.   

That takes me to a joke that clearly provides the hallmark for my life.  “How does a fat person give a lost driver directions?”  “OK, you go down to Burger King and make a left.  Keep driving past Wendy’s, Pizza Hut and Denny’s and you’ll see a Dairy Queen on the right.  Turn right there…” 

The best Italian restaurant is Robo’s, a second floor tiny hole in the wall on Guam.  The most expensive restaurant I’ve ever eaten at is The Saltzburg Chalet, also on Guam.  The best pizza I’ve ever had was from the roach infested NCO Club take out on Guam.  That club also had the best Mongolian BBQ known to man BUT a little place called North China on Bear Valley Road in Hesperia, California has the best fried biscuits to go with their Mongolian.  The second best pizza in the world is from a little Pizza Hut in Beaver Dam, Kentucky, just past the Middle School and High School.  Next to the High School is the best hamburger you’ll ever have, which is a true Dairy Queen brazier burger.  The second best burger is at a little dive in Alamogordo, New Mexico called (get ready) “Beaver’s Hidee Ho” and the burger is the size of a dinner place.  Alamo also has the best steak ever, being the T-bone at K-Bob’s (I want to say 10^th street, but I could be wrong).  As you walk into K-Bob’s, make a left and the third booth on the left is where I had my first taste, oh so reluctantly, of medium rare steak, having been a committed medium well person.  At the insistence of some guy named Scott, I took a bite and never went back.  The best fish and chips is a little van that went around town on Bentwaters Air Base in England.  The best sourdough bread is at a now dead restaurant on Bear Valley Road  (back to Bear Valley) in Apple Valley, California (as you go down Bear Valley, one side of the road is the town of Apple Valley and the other is Hesperia – In fact, I read that Hesperia is the town that inspired the hit U-2 song, “Where the Streets Have No Name” because the development of it was so long that there weren’t street signs for a long time) called Jack Williams, which was a buffet.  The best ham steak on earth is at a little family run restaurant called “Andrews’ Family Dining” on Palmdale in Victorville.  The best fries (sorry, McD’s) on at Richie’s on Bear Valley Road (again).  The best chicken pot pie is at a place called “Elmer’s” on Fairview in Boise, Idaho.  It comes in a cute little crock with a croissant crust that is to absolutely die for.  The best Mexican food is a chain called Chapalla in Boise, Idaho.  The worst soft freeze ice cream is on Air Base Road just outside of Mountain Home, Idaho at a Dairy Queen where the ice cream seems to ALWAYS taste spoiled.  The best BBQ chicken is at a tiny shack called The Black Kettle in Owensboro, Kentucky.  The best fudge I’ve ever had came from Circus, Circus in Las Vegas.  The best Polynesian chicken comes from the Tiger’s something right outside of The Enchanted Tiki Room in Disneyland.  The best soup in the world is the baked potato soup at Black Angus.   

I could go on like this for hours, but you get the picture.   

By the way, the attractive woman who was working with my husband quit after one day.  Funny how that works, isn’t it?  ;)

Dr Phil's Life Law #4:

"You cannot change what you do not acknowledge."  I weigh exactly 220 pounds off the carpet on a hard surface and 216 on the carpet.  I did it!  Enough with the fear already!  I will not be intimidated by my own weight!

DOH! 

I finished up the Body Flex book.  I disagree with her eating plan and feel it would be way too restrictive for the average weight loss seeking person.  She documents an incredible weight and inch loss, but also says that she had started severely restricting calories as well, so I don’t believe that her loss can be attributed to Body Flexing alone.  Given that, I think it’s wrong of her to tell people that they can have the same results without changing their eating habits.  HOWEVER, I feel the methods she demonstrates are wonderful.  Not only does the increased oxygen make one feel MUCH better, but the stretches and isometrics are definitely doing something for my body.  I stopped running and yoga’ing for the two weeks I was trying the Body Flex program because I wanted to test out the Body Flex on its own.  It’s much more time efficient for me to do fifteen minutes in the morning and fifteen at night than the 30+ minutes it took me to run or do the yoga tape.   

I measured last Friday, which means that I compare measurements tomorrow to see how many I’ve lost.  My fat belly beard seems smaller and some pants (stretchy ones even!) are fitting more loosely.  I’ve not been a food nazi about what I eat, so that’s really good news.  I’ve been making wise food choices, but I’ve also had times that I wanted ice cream so I had a small bowl of ice creams, wanted a cookie so I had a cookie.  Granted, that was not every minute of every day like before, but Susan Powter I was not.  I can feel my food wants changing, which is good.  Last night, Eric and I had a bit of a tiff and after lying in bed and fuming until 10pm, I finally realized sleep was not comin’ a courtin’, so I got up and did a GH Journal entry and a few surveys.  Instead of a bag of chips, I had air popped popcorn.  Instead of cookies, I had a fat apple (I guess that would be a nonfat apple).  I felt satisfied and nondeprived.  In fact, the choices came pretty automatically.  Our tiff was about a way that I felt he had slighted me (he sort of did, but I blew it out of proportion, blah, blah, blah) and that is my FAVORITE time to eat.  Not only to I get to fulfill the “poor me, I’m so empty inside, I need to nurture with food” demon, but I get to dance with the “you’re going to be mean to me, check out who deserves a fat wife” vengeance imp.  It’s a dysfunctional hoedown.  The cool thing is that I didn’t fall over into that during or after the tiff.  It didn’t even cross my mind to eat and I call that progress.  (homicide was there, but not eating!!)  Progress is good. 

I also started filling up the little almost 17 oz Sparklett’s sports bottles with water and putting them through the house where I know I’ll be.  One is on my desk, one in the kitchen, one by my bed on the nightstand and that has SERIOUSLY increased my water intake.  I can just squirt a huge gulp into my mouth without thinking about it or taking time to taste it even.  I’m going through 4-5 of those bad boys a day like that!  Also started back on my chromium picolinate, garcinia cambogia and chitosan yesterday, full boat.  I was half-assing the doses, kind of catch as catch can, and wasn’t feeling the good effects as much. 

But back to the Body Flex book.  As I mentioned in a previous entry, I think it is the absolute obligation of anyone who holds themselves out as a weight loss guru to include before and after pictures of themselves in their propaganda.  She didn’t and lost points for that.  But again, so far, I advocate the system.  I just thing SHE’S a ditz.  She seems like typical snooty yuppie fare.   

So I measured last Friday, wrote down the measurements in the book on the nice little chart she provided and tried to forget the numbers so as not to be overly depressed about it.  I finished the book, offered to a friend who didn’t seem very into it (but was wonderfully pleased that it worked for me cause she’s my bud) and didn’t reply to the part of the e-mail where I offered it to her.  I figured it just wasn’t her deal, so I tossed the book into a box I was sending to my son in Canada.  I thought Sandra, my daughter-in-law, would really be into something that works with such a minimal time investment since she is working overtime these days to pay off bills from the wedding, etc.  (Plus, the friend I offered it to is local, so if I misread or she changes her mind, I can show her the techniques, save her Greer Childers’ condescending diatribe and have an excuse to get together and have out quarterly chick-talk meeting  : Þ )  I taped up that sucker with a few other things and promptly was raped by the US Postal Service to send that bad boy to Canada.  Needless to say, my long forgotten measurements are somewhere between here and the Maple Leaf, hence the “Doh!” that started the entry.  Thank God I paid the extra 4 bucks to put the faster heave ho on it getting there.  So it looks like I won’t know my progress until Monday or so (intense frown).  Dammit. 

Kids are going mad with grief that I am not within six inches of their personal space, so I’d better cut this short.  I have been mulling over an idea for another entry that you will no doubt see later, probably at their nap time.  Meanwhile, cover me, I’m going into the Mommy trenches.

March 13, 2001
Too Early 

Sorry I haven’t journaled in a while.  If you read my NonSoapy Journal, you’ll know that I’ve been everything from sick to poor to under water.  I think about you guys all day, but haven’t had a chance to sit down in the quiet and write for a long while.   

I’ve been doing very well.  I got a book called “Be a Loser” on Body Flex and have been body flexing twice a day since last Monday.  I can feel the endurance building, which is nice.  It’s a fairly easy work out that promises big results.  We’ll see.  I’ve been combing the net for positive and negative input on it.  The only negative I’ve found is from people who were already fit (no troubles there for me!) on the book reviews on Amazon.com and from people who hadn’t tried the techniques and were only criticizing and taking info out of context.  One complaint that I have to endorse is that there are no before and after pictures for the Linda Evans look alike who developed this technique and claims she went from a whopping size 16 (I’d pay fat cash to be a size 16) to a 4 in something like ten minutes using these techniques.  She on HSN touting this stuff all the time and people are swearing by it, so I figured I’d be no worse off for it if I gave it a try for a couple of weeks.  This is starting week #2, but I didn’t measure until Friday, so I’m going to see where things stand (or fall) on this Friday.  Bad things about the book besides the no before pictures include the way she talks about people who are size 12-14 as though they are mountains and acts like being a size 3-4 is a natural state.  I think I WAS 3-4 the last time I was a 3-4.  When I was a size 9-10, I was totally anorexic looking.  I don’t remember seeing any testimonials from people who were over a 16-18.  Another thing that is rather annoying is that while she maintains that you do NOT have to change your diet to get great results, she was already on a killer low calorie diet when she started doing her thing.  She’s big on totally eliminating red meat and dairy and getting down to only veggies and chicken.  I don’t mind cleaning up my act a bit on my food choices, taking down the refined sugar and flour to practically nothing, switching to diet sodas, drinking the water, eating the veggies, etc, but I’m not ready to go totally monkish like she recommends.   I’ll be sure and let you know what the measurements show on Friday.  It was most disconcerting to see how far that tape measure can go.  Needless to say, the numbers were higher and not lower than I expected.  L 

One thing she does say that is of interest is that you should throw out your scale and that it is a device of the devil, that it’s how big you are in inches and how you look that is the important thing, not how much you weigh.  I must agree with that (this has nothing to do with my continued refusal to weigh off of carpet and know how big I really am, so stop thinking that it does).  If I am running and the muscle is building in my legs and I see that I have made no progress in pounds loss after a couple of weeks (because I traded in fat for heavier muscle tissue), then I will be the first to get discouraged and drown myself in ice cream.  I’m just going to keep doing the best I can, making those baby step changes and trying to live healthier, hoping that will take me to where I need to go.  Maybe I’ll weigh in a month or so and see where I am.  Right now, I’m sticking with Mr Tape Measure. 

Hang in there, everyone!

March 5th, 2001
11:30pm

Hey.  I just wanted to tell you guys that I'm doing well, feeling smaller and healthy and hanging with the diet and exercise.  My computer time has been minimal and technical duty at EOS has eaten it to the point that I haven't had much journal time.  I hope to remedy that soon, tomorrow if all goes well.   Everything is good.  All of you hang in there!

March 1st, 2001
9:30am

Things are still really great.  I had a wonderful running day yesterday and again, got past the 3.5.  In fact, I started out at 3.5mph and got up to 4.3 mph in my intervals!  I'm starting my period for the first time since I had my tubal ligation in December of 99 (I'm a nursing mom, so no periods until he's old) and was feeling yuck, so I didn't eat any dinner.  Around 9pm, I got a HARD craving for french bread and a *real* Dr Pepper.  I scrounged around in the kitchen to make a salad and then a thought, you know?  Screw it!  And I went and got the DP and French Bread.  It was sooooo good and I was still within my calorie range.  I woke up with a migraine, probably from the sugar and caffeine, but it went away pretty quickly.  Eric and I both woke up late, so he had to scurry out the door without watching the kids while I ran, so I will be sure and do the yoga video tonight.  That will be kinder on my menstruating body any way.  The first one after so long is usually a beast, but this one has been very kind.  I plan to return the favor.  I am convinced that the exercising has made my body healthier so that the period isn't hard.  Granted, it's only been 4 days in a row, but I feel a lot healthier and my endurance is building so fast!

My friend, Mystic, sent me this wonderful piece that I wanted to share with you.  Mystic is a great source of inspiration with me as she works through her own fatastic journey and she always sends me cool stuff:

"Oh, you have such a pretty face; if only you would lose the weight."

"You just have a large bone structure, dear; some people are born thin, some are born fat."

"Wow, you have lost so much weight; you seem so different, so much happier now."

"I'll love you whether you are fat or thin, but it would be sort of nice if you lost the weight."

People say things all the time because they mean well.  Sometimes we take what they say at face value and sometimes we read between the lines, but when we hear judgments or characterizations of WHO we are, it is natural to feel either hopelessness and lethargy, or anger and rebellion.

If someone characterizes us or judges us by our weight, our natural response, unconscious or not, might be to feel hurt and angry and want to `show them' that we are significant and whole whether we are fat or thin, so we stay fat just to "show" them.  We may not consciously say to ourselves, "Oh, yah, you can't tell me what to be or who I am inside, I'll show you!", but we may very well feel it on subconscious level and manifest it by staying fat or by regaining weight we have lost.

If someone we care about tells us they will love us no matter what, yet we are not truly happy with ourselves or where we are in life, our response might be to make sure they are telling us the truth, and that we are in fact worthy of love whether we are fat or thin.  We might unconsciously say, "Then I'll keep on the extra weight and see if you really mean what you say."  By keeping on the extra weight, we can make sure that they stay with us or love us because of who we are, not what we look like, and therefore prove our true value as a person.  If someone we care about leaves us, we can also prove that we were right, that the extra weight did in fact make us unworthy.

So by proving others right (or wrong for that matter), who are you hurting?  How is it serving you?  I was talking to a woman recently in my town who said she was so mad at her co-workers because when she lost weight on a diet, all her co-workers suddenly listened to her ideas, and she was furious with them that they had a different view of her as thin, somehow smarter and more authoritative (her perception).  So, she gained the weight back in order to prove that they were wrong since she was just as smart when she was overweight.  Then someone else commented to her, "Maybe you exuded a confidence you didn't have before; maybe you felt good about being thin, and that is what they saw."  And look who she hurt by gaining the weight back.  Did it hurt her co-workers?  No.  Not really.  They still had the same smart woman they worked with who contributed good ideas.  Did it hurt her?  Yes.  She was unhappy with herself, and how she felt about herself ­ still.

So, don't cut off your nose to spite your face.  You don't need to prove anything to anyone.  When you decide you want to do this, you are doing it for yourself, and you alone.  People are going to say things no matter what.  It is part of life.  My parents' friends knew me as an overweight teenager and when I return home for visits and I run into one of their friends, it is a given that one of them will say, "My, you have lost so much weight!"  It is hilarious to me now, because they say this every single time I see them, pretty much for about 15 years (and I have been the same weight every time with the exception of pregnancy).  At first I wasn't sure how to take it, thinking they had this fat image of me in their head they could not shake.   Then I realized that it really didn't matter what they thought.  What mattered was that I was happy inside, I was the weight I wanted to be, I was happy with my family and friends and my life, and that the choices I make have nothing to do with what people expect of me, they have to do with what I want for me.  This is not selfishness ­ it is being true to yourself.  If you want to be thin, then choose thin.  Ignore the comments, forgive people for saying things that hurt you, communicate your feelings as you need to, but you are in charge of YOU.

Here are some affirmations that may be helpful to some of you:

"I, _____, choose to be thin for me, and me alone."

"The joy of being happy with who I, ____, am inside emanates from my body and touches all those around me."

"I, _____, no longer have to prove others right or wrong about my weight since I am in charge of my own body."

"It is easy for me, _____, to forgive others for well-meaning and non-well-meaning comments."

"I, _____, am the me I want to be right now ­ whole, loveable, loving, and capable."

Very nice stuff, folks!