For the week of November 7, 2005


This week another reason for wanting to live in Pine Valley presented itself. In Pine Valley DVR’s never implode. Mine did this week forcing me to sit through all 5 episodes today on SOAPNET. Sympathy, I want sympathy and I want it now.


SOAPNET surprised me by not doing a tie in with the Weather Channel report called “Hell Freezing Over and Its Impact on Global Warming” during AMC.


Why would AMC viewers have been interested? Because our very own Ryan Lavery caused Hell to freeze. How? By merely saying these words to Kendall:


“It’s not your fault. It’s completely my fault.”


Wow, I guess time in Canada really did change Ryan after all.


If only. True he hasn’t threatened to deck anyone or destroyed any hotel rooms. (Although I do think the Pine Cone should collect a damage deposit from the Laverys, don’t you?) Still, he doesn’t quite get that Greenlee might not see things the same way he does. Especially concerning Jonathan.


Did Ryan really think that after hearing him say, “Jonathan, let Erin out of the closet and put her on the phone, please” that there was any way Greens would believe that Jonathan was no longer dangerous?


Clearly Jonathan has not lost his proclivity for trapping women in small enclosed spaces.


Even more clearly Jonathan needs a speech therapist to help with his speech aphasia. The Careys have been doing fine murdering language in PV without Jonathan’s help.


In his confusion Jonathan really did say something funny. “Good people don’t go to jail.” Jonathan. Jonathan. This is PV, where it is more accurate to say, “Bad people don’t go to jail.”


I just pray there are no upcoming scenes featuring Lily, Stuart and Jonathan having a conversation. Then I will have no choice but to shoot myself.


Speaking of shooting oneself, there is one way TPTB could make this whole Jonathan story bearable for me. If it turns out this is their homage to David Cross’ guest appearance on the now defunct Just Shoot Me. Mr. Cross played brain-damaged Donnie. Only problem was that Donnie was not really brain damaged. He just enjoyed the manipulating perks of not being held responsible for his actions.


Now, if Jonathan is faking his brain damage and playing Ryan and Erin, then I am there.


(Speaking of Erin when we first saw her didn’t she have a personality?  She better be careful or we won’t be able to tell her apart from Anita Santos.)


I may not be thrilled that Jonathan is back, but I do not think he is the arsonist.  Jonathan is merely the first red herring. Of course, fire-by-space-heater coupled with Greens almost being charcoal will have everyone looking in Jonathan’s direction. However whoever set the fire came in through the back of that bar. The arsonist had no way of knowing that Kendall and Greens were the only ones in the bar. Far more likely that Babe was the target. And who wants to see Babe dead?  OK, that’s too broad a question. Who, recently, has a good reason for wanting Babe dead? Amanda seems likely, but not probable. Much more likely it was Janet.


Oh goody another chance to see Babe portrayed as a victim. Never can get too much of that.


It seems JR cannot get too much alcohol. While I don’t think getting drunk solves anything in the long run, I don’t think it necessarily makes him evil. Or as evil as I am supposed to think he is.


I, myself, came close to getting drunk during my AMC marathon. Not really, only because I don’t drink, but if I had taken a shot each time Julia said she had been in the WPP for nine, count ‘em, NINE years, I would have been totally bombed by the end of Wednesday’s episode. I had never realized how often she said that until I saw a week’s worth of AMC in one sitting.


Julia is a bit obsessive about that isn’t she? It’s a good thing Zach turned her down because did we really need this bit of dialogue? “Oh, Zach you are sooo big. Have you ever measured it?”” No, Julia, because I am secure in my manhood but Maria thought it was around nine inches.” “ Nine. Nine! Nine? Did you know that I was in the WPP for NINE years?”


What we saw between Zach and Julia was bad enough.  It was downright scary.


I get that Julia feels dead inside. However that flat affect coupled with monotone line delivery is making it very difficult for me to feel anything while watching her. And I know her history. It must be even worse for newer viewers who have no Julia memories, fond or otherwise. 


After watching Julia hit on Zach, we saw Di hitting on Tad. The latter was not scary, just rather pathetic. Pathetic because Di is choosing Tad over David. I could accept someone choosing Zach over David. Maybe. I could see someone who really does not appreciate a tortured male choosing Aidan over David. Why, oh, why would anyone choose Tad over David?


David, himself, summed up perfectly why I prefer him to Tad (or Ryan or Jamie ), “I don’t pretend to be someone I am not.” David is one of the most introspective characters on AMC. He knows who he is. He does not always like who he is, but he doesn’t deny the truth about himself, either. And few things are sexier than that.




And now for the non sequitur portion of this week’s column.


You are at the top of your class.  Yeah, right. The only way Jamie could be at the top of his class is by being the only one in his class. And having all his professors grade on the curve.


Di’s taste in men may be pathetic but I do admire how she quickly assembled a new wardrobe. There doesn’t seem to be a single Di O’ the Wisp outfit in her closet these days.


Ryan probably would not have felt as much pain if he had been wearing his clown nose when Jack punched him.


“We’d all be better off if people stayed dead.”  I love Pine Valley because someone, JR, can say that and no one, Kendall, bats an eye.


Did Sam ask Brooke to give Julia an allowance? How else is she getting money these days?


There is a way that Julia could get big bucks. How you may ask? She could sue her pharmacy. Why you may ask?  Well, they clearly have given her testosterone patches instead of birth control patches.


I felt badly for Harold when Amanda said, “I hate dogs”.  Ahh, Harold. Now there is a character who definitely should come back from the dead.


“If I wanted to, I would nail Di.”  No surprise there, JR. We have known that since your first scene together.


“Every time I try to love someone, I screw it up.”  Zach said it, but it could just as easily been said by Kendall. Which is why they will be wonderful together. Wonderful until they screw it up of course. But hey, that’s soaps..


Which leads me to JR asking Kendall if there will be a happy ending. Of course not, this is Pine Valley.


And finally, I have one question of my own: Do Amanda’s “doctor panties” come with malpractice insurance?


And now to the spoilers.


It’s Captain Dynamite Kiddo to the rescue.


Stupidly, Greenlee tries to put out the fire. She discovers fanning the flames was not a good idea and becomes trapped in the fire herself.


I realize this is a soap and not real life. Really I do. However, doesn’t it seem totally ridiculous that Greens and Kendall would not run back down the stairs and dial 911 on their cells while fleeing the bar?


Kendall refuses to leave Greenlee alone in the fire.


A noble sentiment but wouldn’t it be more helpful if Kendall dialed 9ll on her cell phone? Martyrdom is one thing; stupid martyrdom is quite another.


Ryan arrives and soon realizes Kendall and Greens are trapped. He pauses, thinking, “Hmmm, when I left town wasn’t this a one story building?”  And then, with no thought to his personal safety, he charges in to save the women folk.


Ryan as hero and he has not even been back a month. What a surprise. What would be a pleasant surprise? If Ryan set the fire so he could regain his hero status.


Ryan picks up Greenlee and heads out. She screams at him to stop and save Kendall. After all she is carrying his baby. Ryan pauses to think, “Hmmm… I don’t remember having sex with Kendall before I left. And didn’t I have a vasectomy before I left town? I know I never used the word vasectomy but that doesn’t mean I didn’t have one.” Still puzzled Ryan drops Greens on her head and picks up Kendall.


OK. OK. He probably doesn’t drop Greens on her head. 


Ryan goes back into the fire and rescues Greenlee. And then he goes back in and rescues the kittens he heard mewing in the corner. And then he goes back in and rescues the owner’s favorite pool cue.


And then he asks the writers, “Am I redeemed yet? ‘Cause I sure am getting tired of running back into that burning building.”


Greenlee is concerned that Ryan will not take the news of impending fatherhood very well. She is afraid he will leave town.


And I am afraid he won’t leave town. Ever again.


Ryan promises to always be there for the baby.

“In fact to prove it to you Greenlee, I am going out and buying him his very first clown nose!”


Kendall tells Greenlee that she needs to reconcile with Ryan.


Maybe I was wrong. Maybe it was Kendall that Ryan dropped on her head.


While arguing about their children, Erica tells Jack that Kendall is the Laverys surrogate.


“Please, Erica, for the love of God, please tell me you mean surrogate as in surrogate court.” “ Well, no, you silly, I mean surrogate as in carrying their baby.” “You mean to tell me that your daughter is helping inflict another generation of Laverys on to the world and you didn’t tell me?”


Zach comes to visit Kendall. He tells his unconscious wife that he loves her.


Sigh. Shall we start a pool on how long it takes Zach to tell a conscious Kendall that he loves her? Three months, six months?  While she’s giving birth?


Greenlee tells a now awake Kendall that Zach never came to the hospital.


Now here is the Greenlee I enjoy. The “I’m a bitch, that’s what I do”  Greenlee.


It’s a fairly rough night throughout the Valley.


JR did not hit a speed bump or Bambi, he hit a skunk. Yes, he hit Amanda with his car.


And yet we are supposed to think this is a bad thing.


Just as Derek is about to arrest JR for a DUI and skunk hitting, Babe says she was driving the car.


That girl’s heart is just as wide as all get out, isn’t it?


Later Babe tells JR that he was driving the car and that she lied to protect him. He doesn’t believe her.


I don’t know why JR does not believe Babe. It’s not like she lied to him before. He must just be evil.


JR truly does not remember the accident. Later his memories become more clear. He realizes the horrible truth.


That he is now indebted to Babe.


Krystal blackmails Adam with the truth about the accident.


I think this was covered in their marriage vows wasn’t it? To love, honor and blackmail?


Meanwhile Jonathan remains on the loose.


Jonathan encounters Lily. Jonathan tells Lily he is sorry about what he did to her. Lily retreats deep into herself.


Poor Lily. They probably don’t cover people returning from the dead in her life skills class. Although it probably would be a good idea to add it to the PV curriculum.


Aidan is none too pleased to find out that yet another presumed dead Lavery is alive. Being the super private spotted dick that he is, Aidan finds Jonathan. Aidan decides to do the best thing, call the police. Erin has different ideas and cold cocks Aidan.


It’s OK because she did to protect a Lavery. A poor misunderstood Lavery. Pine Valley’s new First Family.


Lily advises Jack not to call the police about Jonathan.


I know you love your daughter, Jack, but perhaps taking her advice in this situation is not the best idea.


Erica is so terrified when she sees Jonathan she almost looks her age. 


And that’s pretty damn terrified.


Jonathan tells Erica he wants a New Beginning (did you know that is the name of Erica’s new show?)


At first Erica refuses and then she thinks, “Hmmm. I have already been reduced to doing makeovers at the local mall. A new beginning for a multiple murderer and woman abuser might be just the thing my new show, called New Beginnings, needs.”


Jack wants Jonathan sent to prison. Sam cannot wait that long. He steals a gun and goes after Jonathan.


On the bright side, we can hope Jonathan kills Sam in self-defense.


Ryan and Erin try to convince people that Jonathan’s bad behavior was caused by a brain tumor.


Well, that excuse did work for Liza Colby, why not Jonathan?


Other stuff happens, too.


Zach and Di confess that they love Kendall and Tad, respectively. This being Pine Valley, Zach and Di fall into a passionate kiss.


I must say that AMC has upped it’s kissing frequency quite a bit over the past few weeks. If only the kisses were between people who should be kissing-like Zach and Kendall.


Zach and Di decide that one kiss is all that will happen since they love other people.


Zach gets extra points for not making fun of Di for loving Tad.


Di informs Del that she is never leaving PV.


Would that she would end that scene by saying, “so you can run along now. And leave my kidney in the refrigerator on the way out, please.”


Josh searches his father’s office and finds a startling secret.


Notes saying that the first actor to play Josh had more personality? Or merely the information that it is not Greenlee and Ryan’s baby Kendall is carrying?


Greg is relieved that Josh did not find everything he has hidden.


His secret stash of red licorice whips?


Di and Julia’s friendship deepens.


They are becoming quite the regulars at the Blue Angel aren’t they?


Here’s to another week in theValley.




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