If I Were In Charge of the Daytime Emmy’s

May 25, 2004

Did you watch the Emmy’s? I saw about 20 minutes of it and that was it. Either I was so exhausted I couldn’t keep my eyes open or it was so boring, I couldn’t keep my eyes open. Either way, it doesn’t really matter. I slept well and I’m grateful for that.  

The wonderful writers at EOS created an email about five miles long with all the banter and comments about the awards show, so it feels as though I watched each and every minute. (Though I’d likely have looked away each time Lisa Rinna’s nipples came into view.) With that being said, I got to thinking about how I would have planned the whole shindig. Would I have chosen Vanessa Marcil (and that half nude dress?) as hostess? Would I have added more traditional campy singing/dancing acts? Uh-huh to both. I’ve never been a fan of VM and I’m even less a fan of the traditional campy singing/dancing acts. Yes, I’d certainly increase the ‘thanks’ speech time to at least 45 seconds over the standard, what? 30 seconds? But I wouldn’t let it go much more than that because I ultimately don’t give a hoot about the millions of people the actors want to thank. They’re not directly thanking me so I don’t need specifics!  

I did decide, however, that I’d most likely have to change the actual award nominations. None of that “Best Actor”, etc. because that’s boring and so, shall we say, ‘old school’. Instead, I’d prefer more fun, creative and realistic positions to be nominated. Here’s my thoughts, and who I think would want to win:  

1. Female character/actor most fun to watch:  Definitely Faith on General Hospital. She is over the top but in such a seductive, alluring way. She can be campy, obnoxious, serious and truly psychotic all at once. I love her. I love Cynthia Preston and I can’t wait to kiss her feet come July.
    
2. Male character/actor most fun to watch: Dillon Quartermaine. What’s not to love about this guy? He should have one the ‘real’ category for which he was nominated. The butterfly scene was hilarious and the condom scene was how I imagined my high school boyfriend would feel trying to buy condoms for the night that never happened. This kid is goin’ places. I imagine in a few years we’ll see him as a lead in some John Cusack type movie because he’s comedic and sincere. Plus he’s cute. He’s a winner!
    
3. Female character who annoys the heck out of Carolyn: (After all, since I’m running the show, it should be centered around what I think, right?) Sam from General Hospital, with a close runner up being Jen Rappaport on One Life to Live. Initially I liked Sam, though I felt a big confused with her strong resemblance to that Livvie vampire girl down the street. But you know what? It sort of started to work. She played well with Skye and Luke and though there was no chemistry with Jax, I could see her developing a good, strong character. Then they put her with Sonny and BAM! It’s a Brenda Redux! What on earth?! Been there, done that! Now she’s whiny, emotional (and don’t blame it on the pregnancy because this is totally fictional, remember?), insecure and needy. And she added color to her large wardrobe that she miraculously could fit in a small carry on bag. (That in and of itself is reason enough for any award!) What happen to the feisty bitch that cared nothing about anyone but herself and her income potential? Gone. She’s been Sonny-ifed. Hasta La Vista baby. You’re no longer Sam. You’re the Brenda Redux.
    
4. Male Character who annoys the most out of Carolyn: Okay, I know I’m going to get someone’s panties all in a bunch here, but I have a trice win going on.
    
   1. Sonny. I’m sorry but there’s got to be either an extreme hyperbole of reality to the character (which there isn’t) or the character has to have some semblance of reality to them (which there isn’t). I do not find gangster-like, sociopathic, self-centered, egotistical, woman abusing, insecure and just plain rude even remotely attractive. It’s not the hyperbole of the typical gangster. I know this because I grew up in an Italian family outside of Chicago. My grandfather was Al Capone’s tailor. I know gangsters. They aren’t even remotely similar to Mr. Sonny Corinthos.
       
   2. JR Chandler. Maybe it’s the fact that I still cannot get over the lousy attempt at replacing Jonathan Jackson on General Hospital. Maybe it’s the comments Katrina has made about JY’s attempt at ass-pinching, I don’t know. I do know that JR is just an angry JY’s Lucky with more money and more professional opportunity. He yells, he doesn’t converse. He’s totally wigged out and has become what he’s sworn he would never; his father Adam Chandler. And he’s married (or isn’t he? I’m not sure anymore) to a girl with a completely obnoxious accent!
       
   3. Sorry Kathy, but Jason Morgan is my third choice for this award. Who do you know, as a right hand man to anyone, (and by the way, how many right hand men do you know? Me? None.) would go to the lengths that Mr. Morgan does for his employer? Is Jason ever going to get bored with following women around for Sonny? Is he ever going to truly stand up for what HE wants and grow some kahunas? Is he ever going to have loyalty to himself and the other important people in his life or will he forever choose Sonny? It’s unappealing. I love when Jason is tough and strong and stands up for what he wants/believes is right. It just doesn’t happen enough. Not enough to not get this award in my book anyway.
       
5. Female character who should get a better storyline: Where to start with this one? Well, since I primarily watch General Hospital, I’ll start there. Alexis. Maybe this Ric connection will turn out to be a good story, but it’s yet to be determined. NG played the butler story wonderfully, considering she was given such a silly story in the first place. Put her back with Luke. Okay, wait. I like Luke and Skye, but if for some terrible reason RC decides to NOT come back after maternity leave, hook these two up please. They have great chemistry. She has great chemistry with Jax. Remember when they were ‘married’? I actually LIKED Jax then! She’s a wasted character and could be doing so much. How about a little love-liaison with Justus? The irony would be simply delicious.
    
6. Male character who should get a better storyline: I have to give this one to Aiden on All My Children. Not a fan? Tough. I am. I LOVE the sexiness of his always heroic, woman saving ways. I love his body. I love his accent. I just love this guy. He’s sweet, charming, romantic, sincere (and I think the actual actor might be all of that too! I have a total crush on him! Look out Ted, you’ve got some competition!) and he plays tough guy wonderfully. You know who he reminds me of? Robert Scorpio. I sure miss him. Maybe Aiden could find Robert, since it’s his cousin-in-law or something like that and bring him back to Port Charles and jump shows? They could work with Mac and really snap the PCPD into tip top shape! I’m all for merging show storylines if it’s my idea!
    
7. Recurring characters that should be on contract: This is a joint award because they belong together: Felicia and Mac Scorpio. Reunite them, give them parental issues they can really work on (Maxie’s pregnant, Georgie quits high school, etc.) instead of time filler and for the love of God, give them a crime they can SUCCESSFULLY SOLVE TOGETHER! These two have wonderful history for GH, something that is the basis for every soap opera. They have undeniable chemistry together and they are so darn good looking it makes my TV drip syrup each time they’re on the show!
    
8. Female character who needs to get a life: Courtney did it. Kendall did it. (well, sort of). Please God, someone give poor Liza Chandler a life. And if you’ve got nothing else going on, throw in a life or two for Brooke English too. Talk about wasting true sparkling characters. Okay, I know. Liza gets no life until she grows out that terrible haircut. I hate it. I hated it when she was pursuing Greg and I hate it now. I miss the long locks. They did much more for her appearance. I’d say give Carly Corinthos a life but as long as Sonny’s around, that ain’t ever gonna happen.
    
9. Male character who needs to get a life: Lucky Spencer. Don’t get me wrong, I love a man in a uniform, but get him out of that one! Grow his hair out (hey, there was this guy, Dan on Charmed who had really, really great hair!) and get him back in a pair of tight fitting jeans and I promise, within minutes he’ll have a life each of us would watch! I’m all for an attempt and Liz and Lucky. These actors have chemistry and though there will never be another JJ, Greg Vaughan is a good recast. He’s just a good recast with a really, really cruddy storyline. Give him a life outside of his father. Outside of following the orders of a sociopathic DA. Let the poor guy have sex!
    
10. Male character who needs a wardrobe change: Two awards for one guy, that’s unheard of! Jason truly needs the expertise of the “Queer Eye for the Straight Guy” guys. Who wears a leather bomber jacket in the summer? I wonder, does Jason have his tee-shirts dry cleaned or does his iron them on his own?
     
11. Female character who needs a wardrobe change: Krystal and her daughter Babe tie this one. White trash is just not even remotely appealing to me.
     
12. Soap Opera Writer who needs to get a new job: Do you really think I need to answer this one?

If you know me, you know I could go on and on. I’m like the Energizer Bunny. But alas, it’s summer time and my kids are nagging me to go to the pool. Sit inside and type on my computer or bask in the sun? Not something I need to think too much about! I’m outta here folks!

See ya!