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Our story begins in darkest Pine Valley, past the graves of better stories and characters gone by and onward to... um... "Hey, gnarly old goat dude, which way to the fertility clinic??"
"Is that way, m'lord...past yon moors and over yon valley." "Thank you, good sir...moors...valley...got it." *wolf howls in the distance*
Ah yes...the fertility clinic. Moors, valley and there it stands in its stately-of-the-art, majestic beauty. Alright then, up goes the grappling hook and up the wall you go. *shove*
We have happened upon an important session of fertility counseling involving (left to right) Nurse Hazel, Greenlee Smythe Lavery, Dr Greg Madden (aka The Madden Scientist) and some broad who won an AMC walk on from Oprah. (Please note: For reasons unknown, some of these characters speak with a Transylvanian accent and some do not, for example the gnarly old goat dude, who is inexplicably British and Nurse Hazel, who evidently sounds like Jimmy Durante. Just go with it, OK?)
"But Doctah Madden, zhoo do not undahstand... I seemply must have Wyan's baby... I must. Owah loff, it was greatah than the loff of meah mortals. No one else could possibly loff one anothah as we did... If I cannot cawwy Wyan's child, we must find one who vill und vill zen geeve me da bebe! If I do not have Wyan's loff child, I will not rest, I will not have peace, I will not...!"
"Is she conscious, mastah?" "No, she's out like a light. Good moving with the syringe, Nurse Hazel. Now take Mrs. Lavery someplace where we cannot hear her speak any more. Make haste."
"I know just th' place, mastah." "And I know just the woman with a womb for rent." "Moital, over at da boiding house?" (OK, so Nurse Hazel just went to Yonkers, go figure) "No! Kendall Hart Slayter! She has the pinkest, prettiest, most fertile womb I have ever had the privilege of performing a pap smear on, I must say!"
"Oooh! Nice choice, mastah! I'll get her right away!" *modest time passes*
"Got her, mastah! All draped up and ready for ya! Ah cha cha."
"Um, Hazel, you're supposed to drape the bottom half, not the top."
"Meh, I always get that wrong. So mastah, do you think it's safe, you know, implanting Kendall... knowing who her mother is... knowing you know what... (*jerks head and rolls eyes*) **squiggly lines go across the air as Dr Madden Scientist remembers... another beautiful woman... another fertilized egg... decades before...**
"Oh Erica Kane, your genes are absolutely magnificent. I must use them to create my own son with my own perfect little swimmers. Together, we shall make the perfect child and implant him in the waiting womb of my inadequate and not quite as alluring as you are wife. Oh, what the hay, I've already sedated you for your monthly pap smear. I'll make a baby with you the old fashioned way, then when you come back for your pap smear next month, I will harvest our bouncing baby egg from your perfect uterus and then implant him in the waiting womb of my inadequate and not quite as alluring as you are wife. Yes indeed, I do so like that plan ever so much better." (Yes, I know pap smears are not performed monthly. That's the JOKE, you see... that he's an unscrupulous doctor who tells women they not only need a pap smear monthly, but also need a general anesthesia to have it performed.) **Wiggly lines appear again and we are returned to the present**
"Not to worry, my dear Nurse Hazel. I can handle it. Now, with my genius mind, Kendall Hart's pink, perfect uterus and these fertilized eggs...
"LET THERE BE LIFE!!!"
"Vell, doctah? Eees she pwegnant?" (Evidently the Oprah extra still has her accent intact)
"SHE IS PREGNANT!!!" *Extra jumps up and down with joy* "But doctah, her hair! Zee lightening has blown eet off and she eez all bloated and huge! She looks like Petah Boyle!" "Not to worry, my innocent child! The effects are only momentary!" *Moments later...*
"Wow! That was one hell of a wild dream! I dreamt I was standing at Logans, deciding whether to get the smart pink strappy shoe or the faddish Doc Martins when this goofy little nurse whacked me on the head and..."
"Where am I? Jackson? What are you doing here?" "Get your hands off of her, you Madden Scientist, you! There's no way in hell I will allow you to implant my grandchild into my stepdaughter!" "You're too late, constable, bwahahahaha! It is already done! Kendall Hart Slayter is carrying the Lavery legacy right there in her perfect pink baby basket! Again, I say, bwahahahaha!"
"Implant? Grandchild? Wha'?
"Don' worry, Kendall, I'll be there for you the whole time!" "Zach! You really do care! Rrrooowwwlll." "Here, my wife, you can feel the baby move!" "*I* am the one who's pregnant, you idiot!" "Ha ha, who's an idiot? That's not a baby moving either!" "Ah! *gasp*
"Pregnant! I always knew I would be the sacred vessel to carry the blessed child of Ryan Lavery... and so it has come to pass. Lovin the streaky hair too. My empty life at last has a purpose!"
"Yes, yes, blessed amongst women and all that happy horseshit. Nurse Hazel, you can go get Mrs Lavery now and tell her the operation is a success. She's going to be a mommy... so... where *IS* Mrs. Lavery?"
"Don't worry, mastah, she's hanging around here somewhere."
"Aggggh! Somebody help me! Get me down from here!!! |
Sweet mystery of life, at last
I've found you!"
