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May 31, 2005

I am writing this while sitting on my floor (it is, however, MY floor) with my computer rigged up temporarily on boxes.  I will post an off topic column to catch everyone up later in the week.  For now, it's time for the third annual:

Note:  This column has a LOT of graphics, so give it a bit to completely load.

Nope, I haven't actually seen the awards show this year.  I was in bed sleeping off some sick when the festivities aired.  I have, however, watched the Soapnet "Unzipped" show with Eva LaRue and Linda Dano.  I do not actually have Soapnet (yet), but my friend, Maxine, was kind enough to record it for me so I could provide commentary. The first part of the show was cut out, so I may have missed a thing or two.  Come with me, my darlings, as we meyouch our way through the good, the bad and the hideous of Daytime Emmy 2005 fashion.  In order purely of how the photos landed on the page, here is my review:

TWO FOXES:  Vivica A and our own Silver Fox, Tony Geary (Luke, GH), looking sharp and dapper as ever.

Goo'ness gracious!  I'd just written the exact words on the page that Eva and Linda said about Tyra Banks' look.  While it's a lovely dress, honey, this is what happens when a dress wears you instead of you wearing the dress.  This black fringed albatross used Tyra as an accessory while it sucked all the air out of the room.

Susan Lucci (Erica, AMC) kibitzs on stage with the Queen of Soul, 'Retha Franklin.  Lucci changed clothes about 17 times or so during the night, including these:

And an ice blue satin number with a multi-tiered, ruffled hem that she wore for the after party thrown by the NYC mayor.

Shannel Workman (ex-Flash/Sarah on OLTL) found a great dress for a progressive young woman, but in the opinion of a shrewd, old man, I have to say that it was entirely inappropriate for a black tie event such as this.

Ronn Moss (B&B) sums up with that stupid scarf all that is wrong with this biz.

Robin Strasser (shown here with Peter Reckell) looked smart and sassy in her chic satin get up, but I would have liked to have seen a different bodice on this.  She's beautiful enough to pull off almost any look.

Rebecca Herbst wore an outfit designed by her mother, who evidently is one of the Northern Bathroom Tissue quilters.  This dress makes Herbst look pudgy and thick around her hips and tummy, which in no way gives justice to her lovely figure, nicely regained after two pregnancies.

Robin Christopher's lovely peek-a-boo bust dress, on the other hand, shows off her new mom assets to the best advantage.

Natalia Livingston's (Emily, GH) Emmy might be ill-won (in my opinion, anyway), however best dressed honors are enthusiastically deserved!  She looks like a stunning princess in this glamorous, backless sequined gown.

Nancy Lee Grahn also looks like a goddess in this GORGEOUS gilded gown, which is a perfect fit for her well toned bod.  Lose the hairy purse, dearie.

Michael Jordan (Reggie, AMC) is dashing and dapper in his formal wear.  He should be holding up a sign that says, "I was robbed, yo!!"

Lisa Rinna is so, so gorgeous when her mouth is shut.  Last year, she was a jack-ball-sized nipple disaster.  This year, she went for globes instead of nips and is a vision of beauty. 

I didn't even recognize this lovely, blonde sylph.  For those who also aren't sure, she's Levin Ramblin, who plays Lilly Montgomery on AMC.  I would have toned down the harshness of her makeup a bit, taken the hair up and back in a classic updo and kept the dress to one theme or another.  The mix and match look seems to be cutting her in half.

No one with the name of Lara/Laura Spencer should be allowed at the Daytime Emmys unles Captain Ryker is her date. 

Um... wow.  NuMaxie (Kristin Storms) decided to destroy any inclination we might have to class her with her ingénue alter ego by having her breasts enter the room ten minutes before her.  This is what happens when the breasts wear the woman rather than the woman wearing the breasts.  

Kristen Alderson (Starr, OLTL) looks classy, beautiful and age appropriate, out-dressing the vast majority of her older counterparts.

Kelly Monaco (Sam, GH) is absolutely stunning in this azure blue (my favorite color) masterpiece, proving that if you are going to ignore the basic black dress request, you should do it in style.  Everyone should also pick up the Ingo accessory at your local "Claire's Boutique."  It goes with anything.

Jacob Young returned to the scene of the crime with an unnamed Tawny Kitean look alike.

Although it's great to see how Texas model and former Rolling Stone wife, Jerry Hall, is holding up (nice!), I did wonder what brought her to the Daytime Emmy Awards (likely a limo)

Lust Object of our own Carol Banks Weber, Jeff Branson (Blown Up Jonathan, AMC) looks casual classy (for awards, I prefer classsy classy) and came to the event with his mother.

Let's play whosdat?  No one can ever say Jack Wagner (ex-Frisco, GH and ex-husband of Kristina Wagner, soon to be ex-Felicia, GH) is inconsistent in his attractions!

Ignacio... grinning like mad to be in front of a camera in some capacity.

Nearly all photos of Gina Tognoni (ex-Kelly, OLTL) at this event also included Laura Wright, (left, Cassie Winslow from GL).  Not digging the drawing on the hand, Gina.  WTF?  Are kindergarten classes doing Henna work these days?

These are the people making major decisions about what we see on GH.  Take careful aim.  Fire.  (Don't hit Tony Geary, please)

Geordi LaForge shows us in a very fishy way that lambchops are NOT his friend.

Looking like a beautiful Christmas present dripping with class, Erika Slezak (Viki, OLTL) embodies Emmy glam.

I still think she might be gay.

Definitely one of the top 10 best dressed of the night, Eden Riegel was a shining beacon of gorgeousness.  She and Natalia Livingston should be showing some of these other people how to dress for a formal event.

Bane to receive top honors on the "People Magazine" WORST dressed celebs list again (she said she felt like a princess last year, but damn)...

...Kassie DePaiva (Blair, OLTL, with husband, James DePaiva, ex-Max, in the background) scores big with this lovely peek-a-boo strap gown. She is the picture of quiet elegance.

For those who didn't know what the frig David Lago (ex-Raul on Y&R) was talking about with his mouse talk, it is a reference to a Christopher Walken bit in the 2002 movie, "Catch Me If You Can."  It goes like this: "Two little mice fell in a bucket of cream. The first mouse quickly gave up and drowned. The second mouse wouldn't quit. He struggled so hard that eventually he churned that cream into butter and crawled out. Gentlemen, as of this ­moment, I am that second mouse."  He's a little bitter about being fired, me thinks.

Is David shipping Adam to yet another exotic location in those not-exactly-first-class accommodations he tends to provide?

Cameron Mathison and wife Vanessa give the DePaivas a run for their month in the "best dressed couples" category.

Rebecca Budig (Greenlee, AMC) must have raked through Kassie DePaiva's closet for this fugly dress (Referencing last year's Grand Ol' Hell Opry number above).  Even as "Laura Ingalls Goes Call Girl" as it is, it beats the hell out of that sea foam green, off-shoulder, ruffly monstrosity she wore on the show for way too many days last week.  Ack.

This is the face of the man who, in turn, changed the face of AMC Daytime TV... for the worst.  Brian Frons, President of ABC Daytime.

It's hard to imagine an actress who is not photogenic, but in every picture I saw of Bree Williamson (Jessica, OLTL), she looked drumk and strung out.  The dress?  A retro-upholstery nightmare.   The necklace?  Pipecleaners gone mad.  Ack.

Big Daddy John Durant, Corbin Berson, does it up right and shows the kids how to dress for a formal event.  Very elegant and classy.

Real life couple, Alexa Havin (Babe, AMC) and Justin Bruning (Jamie, AMC) are ready for a night of heavy clubbing, but not for a formal awards ceremony.  Also, if you look at this photo and squint a bit, it looks like Alexa has a big, round, pendulous belly.  Hee hee.

Again, the younger set shows the next generation how it's done.  Adrianne Leon (Brook Lynn, GH) is stunning in her Emmy gown, is the picture of loveliness.

Other Observations

Someone named Crystal Hunt thought it was appropriate to bring a damned dog to the Daytime Emmy Awards.  Believe me, His Sageness is every bit the friend of our four-legged, furry-faced mammal brethren, but hey, time and a place, OK?  Next time, get a bracelet, lady.

Although I don't have a picture to share, Eva LaRue looked absolutely stunning in a eggshell, beaded satiny halter-back number.  Although the dress to which I was referring was created by Sue Wong, she has been known to don an "off the rack" dress at the last minute of designer duds aren't suiting her.

For those who do not know, the stars aren't actually paying the amount the dress is worth.  Designers offer their dresses for the stars to wear purely as advertisement and the stars wear the elegant duds pro bono.  Ditto jewelry and shoes. 

In the "Zipped Up" review, Linda Dano, usually a maven of self-confidence and sophisticated couture, made several references to being overweight, saying [paraphrasing], "If I wore that, roles of fat would be poking through the peek-a-boo slits" and "Why do we even watch them?  They're so thin it just depresses you and makes you want to go get cake."  It's a shame to see a leader in the fashion culture so wrapped up in the warped impression the Western world has of emaciated, anorexic bodies being the icons of beauty.  I was extremely disappointed in her participation of this insanity.  It cost her several demerits in my book.

Although again, I have no photos of this to share (and document my assertions), I have to say that Tyler Christopher continued not only his pursuit of, but his complete conquering of the Scrappy-Ass Looking Bastard Award.  No one seems to tell some of these folks that it's rather appropriate to get all gussied up for these events.  Like the dog, time and a place, Ty, time and a place.

That pretty much wraps up my Emmy review for this year and my column for this week.  I leave you with the results of the Emmy poll on Soapnet's website:

BEST LEAD ACTRESS:  Nancy Lee Grahn

BEST LEAD ACTOR:  Steve Burton

BEST DRAMA:  General Hospital

BEST SPEECH:  Erika Slezak

BEST DRESSED:  Kassie DePaiva