“Quack!  Quack!”

Why oh, why oh, why do the writers keep trying to convince us that if it walks like a duck, looks like a duck and sounds like a duck, then it must NOT be a duck?  I know a duck when I see one.  I also know a thug when I see one, I know a hit man when I see one, I know a smarmy, vapid, shrew of a mother when I see one, I know a cowardly, wishy-washy liar when I see one and I know a shallow, uppity brat when I see one.  I am referring, in order, to Sonny, Jason, Carly, Ric and Emily. 

I’ll ‘splain.  (Warning:  Rant ahead with profanity.) 

What the hell is wrong with Ric Lansing?  Didn’t he marry Alexis so they could fight Sonny together and protect Kristina?  I know they did, so what is Ric doing now?  This past week, he told Sonny if push came to shove, he would stand by Alexis.  Immediately after that, he goes to Alexis and tells her she’s on her own, that he won’t stand by her.  Then, he runs back to Sonny like a little four year old to tattle about Alexis filing for sole custody.  Is Ric dropping acid?  Is that the real story?  I sure hope so because the guy’s not making any sense from one scene to the next, forget about looking for any continuity to his logic.  It simply isn’t there.  Yet, Liz is standing by to tell him (us) how wonderful and correct he is, lest we see that he’s really acting like a duplicitous coward.  I get the impression that I’m supposed to somehow understand what’s motivating Ric.  I don’t.  Ric is now on my shit list. 

Then there’s Carly.  She tells Alexis, in front of Sonny, Reese and Ric that Kristina is in no danger under Sonny’s care.  Fine.  I gave Carly a half-assed pass on that because she’s prideful and, I would hope, if she and Alexis could have discussed that without an audience, Carly would at least have acknowledged that there is danger.  That’s been a couple of weeks ago.  Since then, Carly has told Sonny he is a danger, then that he isn’t.  She’s complained to others that his life is dangerous, then, to the same people later, that it isn’t.  What is going on with that?  Is Carly partaking of the hallucinogenic fountain as well? 

I suspect the writers want me to buy that Carly really loves her children and will do anything for them.  I’m not seeing that.  Based on her actions, I see a woman who is absolutely horrid.  Jason seems more sincerely ripped apart over Michael’s death than Carly is.  I’m not convinced that she’s that upset about it, because if she was, she would try to get Morgan the hell away from Sonny.  I can only conclude that Carly is a complete idiot and one of the worst mothers ever on daytime television for not seeing the threat her husband is to her children, even after one of them is supposedly killed while both were kidnapped.  I have no sympathy for Carly at all, but I think the writers want me to.  The writers need to give me a reason to believe Carly is a good mother.  They can’t just have characters say that she is and expect me to believe it. 

I don’t see Sonny as being all that torn apart about Michael, either.  He seems angry that he “lost” in the eyes of other mobsters more than anything.  If he’s supposed to be grieving privately or holding his emotions in, I haven’t been tipped off to that.  Yeah, he has sat in the dark and had a bunch of people murdered, but he always does that. 

Even Jason’s anguish over Michael, as genuine as it seems, only goes so far.  How many people around him have to die, get beaten up and suffer miscarriages before he gives a damn about anything except working as an enforcer for Sonny?  We have been force fed by the writers that Jason is just swell, but I don’t see it in what he does. 

I wish I was at least getting some genuine mourning from Sonny and Carly, the kind that could spur them to action to change their lives, but it’s not happening.  He’s a pig.  She’s a dumb bitch.  They are the worst parents ever.  That’s what I’m seeing from them, so that’s what I think of them. 

Speaking of “bitch,” I am not happy about Sonny calling Alexis that, like it was her name.  Yelling “Shut up, bitch” at the mother of his child, who has every damn, obvious right to want her daughter safely away from a violent, dangerous criminal did not endear me to Sonny’s egotistical point of view.  Are we supposed to hate Sonny for being an asshole?  He is being an asshole, therefore I can’t imagine we’re supposed to be rooting for him, or are we?  Was I supposed to swoon when he called a woman “bitch?”  The writers seem to think he’s a great guy we should all adore and side with.  Why?  As a female, why should I like him if I have any self-respect for my gender?  What reason am I being given NOT to hate his putrid guts?  That his portrayer has cute dimples?  Am I supposed to be so damn stupid I can’t get the context of this story between Sonny and Alexis?  She isn’t behaving like an out of control, half-crazed woman the way everyone on the show keeps saying.  She is a mother protecting her child.  As far as I’m concerned, she can go as far as she wants to if it saves her daughter’s life.  It’s a no-brainer; I’m rooting for her.  She’s a mama and she’s stepping up to the plate to do what Carly won’t do, but Alexis is called “obsessed” and Carly is called “strong and brave.”  What a pile of bullshit.  Excuse me, GH writers, if I choose to step over it. 

There’s a saying, “If mama ain’t happy, ain’t nobody happy.”  Well, Alexis isn’t happy right now, for obvious reasons, so as a fan of intelligent, independent mothers and women in general, I’m not happy, either. 

I was also surprised when Ric said Alexis was “high maintenance.”  In what way is she in need of constant praise and tending?  The image of Alexis sitting all alone at that table in that restaurant said it all, for she is truly alone.  No one is standing by her, encouraging her, understanding her or respecting her as a concerned parent, yet she can still proceed and do what she needs to do.  She’s the lowest maintenance person on the show.  Perhaps to Ric, “high maintenance” means that Alexis calls him on his shit and he doesn’t like that, so he feels a bit inconvenienced. 

I probably sound terrible, but I don’t care that Emily was raped.  I’ve been trying to care, but this is a badly written story.  I don’t think I’ve ever seen a rape story where I didn’t connect emotionally to the victim on some level.  Emily, and all that she does, only bores me and makes me cringe at the sight of her.  I liked NuEmily at first, so what the hell happened?  Why is she written as such a holier-than-thou, selfish twit?  The way she treated Zander was horrific.  The way she stood in front of Lucky and told him she wondered what her life would be like if she’d “chosen” him instead of Nik was so telling.  It was a scene that revealed Emily for the flake she is, in case there was any doubt.  She has no regard for the feelings of others beyond the moment she can either berate them or stand up for them (depending on the situation) in order to make her own self feel superior.  Sometimes she gets a two-for-one deal and gets to berate AND defend.  She stuck her nose in Dillon’s business the other day when she saw him arguing with Tracy, so she got to berate Tracy and defend Dillon at the same time.  She must have been on cloud nine at that moment.  Emily is an ugly person judging by her actions, yet the writers seem to be presenting her as goodness incarnate.  That’s what is confusing about her and her stories.  Nothing she is involved in will ever be logical until the writers reconcile what she does with who she is supposed to be.   

Obviously, there is a common theme emerging here and it’s the same theme that always emerges when I complain about aspects of this show.  It’s the writing.  Usually it sucks in a linear way I can follow easily, meaning a story is simply bad plot-wise.  Lately, some of these stories wouldn’t be so bad, in theory, but they are confusing in that I don’t understand what’s motivating many of the characters.  That can ruin the best of stories because, as part of good storytelling, we must be able to understand what’s moving a character from Point A to Point B.  We may not agree with them or like what they are doing, but we must be able to understand their logic. 

I have a theory that the writers are working in shifts now, with one team writing one day’s script and another team writing the next.  See, in my theory, these two teams never speak to each other, never compare notes and they are each writing a different story.  That’s why Ric, Carly and others are constantly contradicting themselves.  One team is writing that Ric will stand by Alexis, the other team is writing that he’s all about kissing his brother’s ass.  One team thinks Alexis is correct to be concerned, thus all the scenes of characters telling other characters that Alexis is right (or at least saying that Sonny is dangerous, which also makes Alexis right), then the next day, they’re all calling her crazy and talking about what a great, caring father Sonny is. 

My other theory is that the writers are lazy, misogynistic, dumb asses.  That’s probably the accurate theory. Oh, and also, they’re on drugs.  Or should be if they’re not.  Something like that. 

There are parts of the show that make sense, at least more than the examples I’ve mentioned.  Romance wise, Jason/Sam, Courtney/Jax, Liz/Lucky, Georgie/Dillon and Brook/Diego make sense, even if many of these relationships haven’t really been explained to my full satisfaction.  They just work on some level.  Alan hitting the bottle over A.J. and Michael’s deaths, Jason and Sam’s search for proof of Michael’s death, Rachel’s loathing for Stephen and, last but not least, A.J.’s plot for revenge are pretty clear cut stories so far, with obvious logic and goals at work.  I have no confusion about what’s motivating the characters in these romances and stories, so they are saving the show for me right now, especially A.J.  I love Billy Warlock’s acting and I’m glad he returned for this.  I’ve missed him.  The only thing that bothers me is it’s pretty much a done deal that A.J. will come out the loser again against Sonny, right?  He always does, so I don’t feel there’s any real suspense about how this will turn out.  If A.J. could win for once, I would be thrilled.  I don’t really approve of A.J. lying to Michael about Sonny and Carly not wanting him because that hurts Michael’s feelings, but on the other hand, is that really a lie?  If Sonny and Carly really did want Michael alive and well, Sonny would have gotten his ass out of his dangerous line of work and stopped making his family a target or Carly would have taken the reigns and removed Michael, Morgan and herself from the situation.  Since Sonny and Carly refuse to acknowledge there’s a problem even now, then I can’t believe they really loved Michael all that much.  They obviously love the money and power more.   

People can tell me I’m wrong about that, but I know what I’m seeing on the show.  The day Sonny leaves his criminal enterprises behind in order to protect his children is the day I’ll finally believe he might love them more than himself.  I won’t believe otherwise until then.  Actions do speak louder than words.  As with Emily, Sonny’s actions must be good for me to believe that he is, too.  Jason can be included in that as well.  All the characters on the show can line up everyday to talk about the wholesome goodness of Emily, Carly, Sonny and Jason, but I’m not buying it because I’m not seeing it.  It’s like telling me the story of Hannibal Lector, then trying to convince me that it’s really about Jesus Christ.  It just doesn’t work and I’m not that fucking stupid. 

And do the writers care what I think?  I seriously doubt it, but if they could respond, I think I can guess what they’d say to me, a loyal, female viewer for over twenty years: 

“Shut up, bitch!”  

I may be a bitch, but at least I know a damn duck when I see one and I know shit when I step in it. 

;-)