“Put Your Feet In The Stirrups, Emily Quartermaine Smith!” 

I am going to examine you. 

Let’s get right to the point.  I believe Emily’s current “illness” is very specific and I think I can hone in on it fairly quickly.   

Emily is, quite simply, a bitch.

I already have a recommended treatment for her, too: 

Emily needs someone to “rip her a new one.” 

Why do I think this?  Well, first let’s delve into some basic Emily history. 

This is a character who was really quite the typical teen before she went away to recover from partial paralysis and then went onto attend college.  Adopted by the Quartermaine family after her mother died of cancer, Emily experienced crushes, puppy love, a drug problem and just teen angst in general.  She even had that slightly spoiled, teen brat attitude on occasion, but the bottom line was that Emily Quartermaine was smart, kind, considerate and just an all around great person. 

So what the hell happened? 

Emily has become stupid or selfish or mean or a combination of all three of those things.  It’s like there are two Emilys running around.  One is still the sweet, gentle, kindhearted character we know and love who would do nothing to hurt anyone on purpose.  The other is this mindless twit who cares more for herself and her own petty wants and needs.  She’s now a person who doesn’t care how her actions hurt others unless it somehow benefits her to care. 

Emily is a character I would never, normally, consider to be a liar, but she has now become quite the skilled liar since she returned home this past spring.  She deceives her “loved ones” without a second thought, then when she has a moment of guilt, she deceives herself into thinking she’s done nothing wrong or that her deception was somehow for the greater good. 

At first her deceit truly seemed to be out of love.  She wanted to “protect” her family and friends from the pain and heartache of knowing she’d been diagnosed with breast cancer while she’d been away at college, so she didn’t tell anyone about it.  After the diagnosis, she returned home to be near her family and she started secretly taking an experimental drug treatment.  Her ex-boyfriend, Zander Smith, was still very much in love with her when she returned, and it seemed quite obvious that Emily was still carrying a torch for him as well.  They began seeing each other again, pretty much taking up where they’d left off. 

Zander found the syringes Emily was using for her experimental cancer treatment and, given Emily’s drug addicted past, Zander jumped to the logical conclusion that she was hooked again.  That made sense as Zander had been able to tell that there was something wrong with Emily, but she would never say what.  She lied to him, telling him that yes, she was back on drugs. 

Then Emily’s adopted mother, Monica Quartermaine, found out Emily had cancer.  Monica, a doctor herself, had sent for Emily’s medical records and discovered the truth.  Emily begged her not to tell anyone, including Zander.  She didn’t want her family fawning over her and feeling pity for her because they thought she was dying.  Monica reluctantly agreed. 

So for a while, these particular lies continued.  It wasn’t so bad because Emily seemed so selfless about it and I could understand her feelings about not wanting everyone surrounding her to be looking at her as “sick and dying Emily.”  I can defend, understand and like Emily to this point in her history. 

Then the games began. 

Emily started pushing Zander away “for his own good.”  She thought it was unfair to let Zander believe they had a future together when she knew she might not live.  She felt that was leading him on to heartbreak, so she continued to not tell him about her illness.  Emily would then agree to see Zander again with the implication that she was so in love with him she just couldn’t stay away.  Zander was still under the impression that Emily was fighting a drug addiction and attributed her odd behavior to that. 

This still wasn’t too bad because, as a viewer, I knew the truth was going to come out soon and Zander would stand by his woman through thick and thin.  I knew Emily would be touched by Zander’s love for her and his commitment to her and she would see that she wasn’t going to be the “burden” to him that she had so feared.  It was still quite difficult to watch Zander being played, whatever the reason. 

Somewhere around this on again, off again “I’ll date and have sex with Zander/ “I’ll never see Zander again or burden him with my illness” crap, Prince Nikolas Cassadine returned to Port Charles. 

Once upon a time, a teenaged Emily had a crush on the older Nikolas.  He knew it, was flattered and amused by it, but he had always viewed Emily as a “kid.”  Well, she’s not a kid anymore, so when he first laid eyes on her again, he was definitely smitten with her and she was obviously still interested in him. 

Things were suddenly not looking very good for Zander.  I felt pretty bad for him because Emily had already been playing with his emotions like he was a yo-yo and now another man had caught her eye. 

So instead of telling Zander the truth, she told him, for the one-millionth time, that she didn’t want to see him anymore.  Zander was confused and heartbroken.  Emily ran to Nikolas and told him about her illness instead and asked him to pretend to be her boyfriend “too protect Zander.”  Of course, Nikolas readily agreed. 

They then took it a step further and pretended to be engaged.  Zander was devastated, crushed, annihilated, broken hearted, etc.  In other words, Zander was feeling all the things Emily had wanted to protect him from and she knew it. 

Gia Campbell then stepped into the picture.  She and Zander had become friends as Zander poured his heart out to her about his feelings for Emily.  Gia eventually became interested in Zander as more than a friend.  She also discovered the truth behind Emily’s lies, that she had breast cancer.  At first, Gia urged Emily to tell Zander the truth, but Emily explained her whole concept of, “but we must protect Zander.”  Gia didn’t fully buy into it and seemed to have more faith than Emily in Zander’s ability to cope with Emily’s diagnosis.  However, Gia was also interested in Zander and asked Emily if it was all right for her to be more than a friend to Zander.  Emily promised she wouldn’t stand in the way.  This promise was important to Gia because she didn’t want to get involved with Zander only to have Emily suddenly change her mind and take him away.  Gia didn’t want to be hurt.  Emily assured Gia that this would not happen. 

About a week after Emily’s promise to Gia, and several scenes demonstrating Emily’s intense jealousy upon seeing Gia and Zander together, she told Zander the truth and admitted that her “engagement” to Nik had been a lie.  This meant Emily had broken her promise to Gia and Gia was hurt in the exact way Emily had promised she wouldn’t be.  Also, since Emily had already written of her love for Nikolas in her diary, her decision to suddenly tell Zander the truth made her look worse.  It made Emily look like she didn’t want Zander AND she didn’t want Zander with anyone else, regardless of the consequences. 

Zander went through another roller coaster ride of emotion.  He was thrilled that Emily still claimed to love him and he was saddened at the news of her cancer.  I remember it as such a sweet scene as Zander took Emily in his arms and told her he would stand by her no matter what, making it very clear that she would be no burden to him.  Emily hugged him back with relief.  We viewers knew better.  We knew the die had been cast.  Emily and Nikolas had actually fallen in love with each other while they were pretending to be engaged. 

When Emily broke her fake “engagement” to Nik, he told her in no uncertain terms that he was in love with her.  Emily told him she felt the same way, but there was no way they could be together because that would “hurt Zander.”  Nikolas told her he understood, but he was also hurt by her decision.  Since Emily seemed no longer available, Nik then married a woman named Lydia in order to get her inheritance and make his Uncle Stefan happy. Then Nik seemed to run into Emily all over the place, shooting longing, heartfelt looks in her direction and mouthing the words “I love you,” at her.   

Emily’s cancer worsened and eventually landed her in the hospital.  She decided to marry Zander, not because he was the man she wanted to marry, but because she thought she was dying.  As they had their deathbed marriage ceremony, Emily imagined being with Nik and Nik peered at Emily through the window of her hospital room.  If she had bothered to look in his direction long enough, I’m sure he would have sent her some silent message of love by blowing her a kiss or licking the window. 

As Emily lay dying, she even dreamed of being with Nikolas.  Nikolas slept in a room next to hers, having dreams about her as well.  It’s my understanding that they both had the same dream, a “psychic love dream,” if you will. 

Then, Emily didn’t die.  In fact, she was all perky and happy and out of the hospital within a few days after she was on her “deathbed.”  But now, she is married to Zander, the man she clearly doesn’t want. 

Zander has sensed the connection and attraction between Emily and Nikolas from the very beginning.  He has asked Emily too many times to count if she is in love with Nik or would rather be with Nik.  Each time, Emily tells him, “no.”  In other words, each time, Emily lies.  She thinks of Nik, dreams of Nik, kisses Nik, and stares lovingly in his direction at every opportunity. 

When Emily and her husband Zander moved into a rental house, the power went out one night when Zander was gone.  Does Emily call any of the many men in her family to come help since she’s just oh, so scared?  Does she call her friend Lucky?  No and no.  She calls Nikolas.  Nik runs right over and before you know it, Nik and Emily are rolling around on the floor in front of the fireplace, but somehow manage to stop before actual sex.  It didn’t seem to occur to Emily during this “tryst” that Zander could walk in at anytime and be, oh, I don’t know, hurt? 

It was around this time that I started “flipping off” my television whenever Emily would appear and open her big, lying mouth.  (And when I say, “flipping off my television,” I don’t mean that I switched it off.  Think “gestures” here, folks.) 

Emily has gone rapidly downhill to “bitchdom” ever since.  This past week alone was a revelation in just how bitchy, spoiled, selfish and hypocritical she really is.  Let me demonstrate. 

After Luke’s mock trial of Stefan had concluded, Zander, Emily, Nikolas, Lucky and Lydia were all still together at the warehouse where the trial was held, taking in the shock of everything that had just happened.  Zander told Nikolas that if it had been left up to him (Nik), then Stefan never would have been held accountable by anyone for trying to kill Emily and killing Summer instead.  While I don’t personally agree with that statement, I would never berate my own husband in front of anyone as Emily did that day.  Even worse, she berated him right in front of Nikolas, his obvious competition for his own wife’s love. 

The act of berating was bad enough, but the things she actually said were even worse. 

Emily:  “How would you feel if it had been your father admitting to terrible crimes and then claiming that he did them because of you?  Try to make you responsible for the things he did wrong, because that’s exactly what Stefan tried to do to Nikolas, Zander, and it’s not only unfair, it’s unspeakable, and you, jumping on that bandwagon is, is unacceptable, Zander.  You’re better than that.” 

Zander:  “Do you have a button that just automatically clicks to defend Nikolas?” 

Emily:  “Alright, uh-uh, uh-uh, don’t you dare try to make this about feelings for Nikolas.  It’s a matter of right and wrong. Nikolas is not to blame for what Stefan did.  Tell me you understand that, Zander. 

Zander (to Nik):  “I’m sorry.  I was out of line.” 

Let’s analyze for a moment, shall we? 

First of all, she’s asking Zander to wonder how it would feel if his father committed terrible crimes and tried to blame them on him.  I don’t think Zander has to put a whole lot of thought into that considering his own father, Dr. Cameron Lewis, let Zander believe for five years that he had murdered his own brother, Peter, in a hunting accident.  While that isn’t legally a “terrible crime” on Cameron’s part, it is pretty damned bad.  It was only this past spring that Cameron finally told his son the truth, that it had been a suicide.  I remember Emily comforting Zander over that, so where’s her compassion gone since? 

Then to make things worse, and Emily even more of a hypocrite, she acts offended and incredulous that Zander might make this about her “feelings for Nikolas.”  Maybe I’m totally out of line on this, but if I was Zander and I’d recently seen photographs of my wife and Nikolas rolling around on the floor caught up in the raptures of foreplay, in my own home no less, then damn straight it would be about her feelings for Nikolas.  Why the hell wouldn’t it be? 

To finish off her little tirade, she tells Zander that this is all “a matter of right and wrong.”  Since when does Emily let the concept of right and wrong affect her life?  Since she made out with Nikolas behind her husband’s back?  Since she married Zander even though she knew she’d rather be with Nikolas?  Since she told Gia she wouldn’t stand in her way, thus hurting her, when it came to Gia and Zander being more than friends?  When in all of this did the whole “right and wrong” thing kick in for Emily? 

But it gets better. 

The next day, Emily tells Zander they’ve been invited to a baby shower for Carly.  Zander tells her to say they forgot or had a prior engagement so that they don’t have to go.   

Emily: “I’m not gonna lie, Zander.” 

What the hell?  Since when is Emily against the whole concept of telling lies?  She has had no problem at all with lying to Zander ever since she returned home.  Does this mean she only has a problem lying if it doesn’t somehow benefit her personally? 

She then proceeds to speak very condescendingly to Zander, as if he’s some wild animal with no concept of being civilized.   

Emily:  “Here’s how this works.  Jason is Sonny and Carly’s best friend in the entire world.  I’m Jason’s sister, you’re my husband, that means we’re all connected.  We’re all family and we make an effort to show up for special occasions.” 

Maybe this is some new concept that I don’t understand.  You see, I have a sister and she has friends, but they aren’t my friends.  I would not be, in anyway, beholden to attend any sort of function that one of my sister’s friends was having.  I am not expected to go to their baby showers, bridal showers, weddings, funerals, family reunions or anything like that.  So, once again, what the hell is Emily talking about?  Historically, she and Carly don’t even like each other that much. 

Then at Luke’s during the baby shower, Emily has the audacity to gets an attitude because now she knows why Zander didn’t really want to go to Carly’s baby shower; he and Carly almost had sex a year-and-a-half ago.  This was back after Emily had broken up with him and moved away. 

Emily:  “Why didn’t you warn me you almost slept with Carly?” 

Zander:  “It was a long time ago.” 

Emily:  “Uh-huh.  What else have you done that I don’t know about?” 

Then, God forbid, Zander’s cell phone rings.  Immediately Emily looks offended and continues to look like that when Zander excuses himself and leaves, promising to fill Emily in on the details later. 

With Zander now absent from the baby shower, Emily then takes the opportunity to bitch to Lucky, “Why am I the last one to know what my husband was doing?” 

Lucky points out that Zander wasn’t her husband then.  Emily says, “Yeah, but that’s not the point.”  When Lucky tells her that she probably did stuff while she was away that Zander doesn’t know about, Emily says, “that’s different,” and proceeds to explain why, really letting her selfish colors shine through. 

Emily:  “Zander doesn’t know any of those people while I was away and I’ll probably never see them again.  I see Carly all the time.” 

So, what Emily is saying is, if Zander had just slept with, or almost slept with, people she didn’t know, then that would have been okay?  Somehow, I doubt that. 

Then throw in, again, the absolute hypocrisy of the situation.  The only reason Zander knows Emily and Nikolas almost had sex is because they were secretly photographed at the time and Zander eventually saw the pictures.  Otherwise, Zander would have no idea his wife almost committed adultery and HE sees Nikolas all the time, too. 

Later, outside of Kelly’s, Emily finds out that while she was away Zander did sleep with her friend Elizabeth.  She was shocked.  She breathlessly questions Liz: 

Emily:  “You slept with Zander, too?” 

What does she mean, “too?”  He did NOT sleep with Carly and Emily had already established that, so what’s with the attitude?  It’s not like he was having wild sex parties or screwing everything with a heartbeat or something.  Maybe Emily is disturbed to know that Zander’s world didn’t continue to revolve around her after she broke up with him and was out of town for over a year-and-a-half. 

I was happy when Zander called Emily on her statement that she cares for both him and Nikolas.  He told her that he “cared” for both Carly and Elizabeth, but that he “loves” Emily and he expects the same from her.  He listed off her extremely long list of lies and she had nothing to say in her defense.  Still later, inside Kelly’s, Zander asked her point blank, again, if she would rather be with Nikolas than him, if she loves Nikolas more and if she just married him because she thought she was dying.  Emily, lamely, tried to deny all of this, but was ultimately rendered speechless.  Zander told her their marriage was over and that he deserved better.  Good for him. 

Emily then proceeds to hug Nikolas, publicly at Kelly’s and of course Zander sees them.  Then when Nikolas shows up at the hospital to find out what Emily’s latest progress on her cancer treatment is, they start making out in the elevator. 

I’m sure, though, after all of this, Emily would still proclaim that she loves Zander, too and doesn’t want to hurt him. 

Well, guess what?  It’s too damned late. 

I’m no longer sure whom I’m supposed to be rooting for in this love triangle.  It sure isn’t Emily.  I don’t want to see her with either one of these guys, they both deserve better than a hurtful, spoiled liar like her.  I guess the “couple” I’m rooting for here are Nikolas and Zander, a “couple” of good guys who deserve better than a bratty bitch. 

My long-term evaluation of Emily is that she will also end up toying with Nikolas’ heart, hurting him in the same ways she has hurt Zander.  The end result is that she will find herself, at least for a while, without either man wanting her in their life.  That is exactly what she needs to be cured of her self-centered ways. 

Symptoms: 

Emily has turned from a caring, loving and considerate person into a selfish, spoiled, hurtful, thoughtless individual.  She justifies her lies by using her cancer as an excuse to hurt whomever she wants and to escape being held accountable for not thinking ahead to the obvious repercussions of her actions on those around her.  She doesn’t really care until it’s too late, and then she doesn’t care enough.

Diagnosis: 

Emily is a Damn, Lying Bitch. 

Treatment: 

Emily needs to lose both of the men she currently has twisted around her little finger.  Nikolas and Zander need to both turn their backs on her for other women and leave her twisting in the wind for a bit.  Maybe then she’d have time to reflect on exactly how she ended up alone and maybe she can think about how that’s exactly what she deserves.  Hopefully, she will beat the cancer and be free of that as a major concern.  This will give her time to concentrate on redeeming herself and becoming the much better person she used to be.  Then, and only then, do I want to see her with Nikolas, Zander or anyone else. 

Disclaimer:  The recounting of this character’s history is not meant to be detailed, therefore certain aspects of [character’s name]’s past may have been omitted and what was included here may be incorrect in some aspects.  If you realize this is the case, please pat yourself on the back for being a much better fan of  [character’s name]’s than I am and go on with your life feeling satisfied.  Please don’t write me to tell me, because I really don’t need to know and that wasn’t the point anyway.  Thank you. 

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