Being Port Charles 

First of all, thanks to everyone who sent their well wishes for the speedy and healthy recovery of my sweet baboo.  His sinuses have been effectively ripped from his head and his septum is no longer quite as devious as it was before and I am told he is resting somewhat comfortably.  The surgery was supposed to be in a week or so, but it was moved up at the last minute and things began moving quickly, which is why my column is late this week.  It’s nice to know people still read what I write!  Thanks for missing me, everyone. 

I’ve called this column, “Being Port Charles” to honor a very interesting movie called, “Being John Malkovich.”  John Malkovich, as you may know, is an actor who, in addition to being in the aforementioned movie, also has turned in performances in such flicks as “In the Line of Fire,” “Of Mice and Men,” “Dangerous Liaisons,” “Con Air” and “Mary Reilly.”  In the movie, a group of people find a portal into the mind of the actor so that they are able to move his body, see through his eyes, etc.  They then begin to sell tickets into JM, hence, the name of the movie. 

What many folks don’t know about me is that I am quite the psychic channel.  I enjoy prattling on every week about GH and the happenings, but every now and then, I like to break free from the standard commentary column and go for a palate cleansing approach. I will channel each of our General Hospital folks and let you know what they are thinking so that you may live their life for just a few seconds.  I’ll also include a quick section on what they SHOULD be thinking.  I won’t even charge ya.  Drink, swish, savor, now here’s the cracker. 

SONNY:  I can’t f***ing believe he hit me.  Where the hell does he get OFF, getting in my face about MY life and talking to me like I’m beneath him after all he’s done!  How DARE him to compare himself to me as if we are even in the same league or even the same sport!  I swear on my mother’s grave, if Carly hadn’t been here, I’d have taken him out.  Carly.  What a piece of work she is.  Why am I drawn like a moth to a flame to these women who are poison to my career and my safety?  Brenda, she wears a wire on me.  Lily, bless her sainted soul, gets her daddy to BUY me for her by playing on my, you know, claustrophobia.  Hannah, she turns out to be a fed and now I’ve got Carly, you know, jumping out of closets dressed up as her mother.  But what’re y’gonna do?  I’ll tell you what I’m going to do.  I’m going to snag the two people who’ve never betrayed me, my man Jason and the kid, Mikey, and we’re going to go to jet to the island, you know, hang out on the beach, gamble a little, eat some weird fruits and let Port Charles cannibalize itself, you know?  No more of Benny’s yap going gripe, gripe, gripe all the time.  No more Bobbie barking about me knowing Roy.  No more Taggert throwing his weight around.  No more Sorel with his self important bs.  No more coffee beans.  Just me and the guys, being cool.  Maybe we’ll bring Tammy.  She’s probably sick of the old man by now too.  That cute lawyer can come too if she wants.  God knows there’s a hellcat in there waiting to come out. 

Should be thinking:  Maybe I should get some therapy.  Maybe I should fire Benny.  Maybe I should press assault charges against Mike.  Maybe I should speak my feelings to Carly.  Maybe I should realize that Lily was a manipulative, spoiled brat and not a saint.  

CARLY:  Ick.  I just noticed that my toenail polish doesn’t match my fingernail polish.  God, do I have to do everything around here?  Man, I can’t believe that Mike, like, snapped and smacked Sonny like that.  Whoa.  I just remembered that Jason owes me twenty bones because of Sonny, like, being such a jerk and all.  I could buy some more nail polish with that twenty bucks.  I’ll bet I could stop off and give that bitch Lizzy ManStealer Webber some crap on my way to the store, too.  Cool.  Wouldn’t it be a hoot if I was the one to find little Emily and bring her scampy ass home?  But they’d find a way to keep me from being town hero if I brought them the baby Jesus in a silver manger for their little Port Charles Christmas pageant.  They’d be be saying, “Oh that Carly, all she needs is another baby.  Man that Carly, leave it to her to want to hoard Baby Jesus for herself.”  They’re never grateful for anything, you know and my mom, you know, it’s weird the way that she and that cow Monica have slept with like, the whole world and I’ve only slept with four people since I’ve moved here and I’M the whore?   Puh-lease.  AJ is, like, a Ken doll down there and so he shouldn’t even count except as the sperm donor for Michael.  But Sonny, mmmm.  Sonny. 

Should be thinking:  Maybe I should look into getting a job to support myself in case I can no longer find a man to support me.  Maybe I should spend more time with my son.  Maybe I should confide to Sonny how I feel.  Maybe I should go to finishing school.

JASON:  Why the hell did I come back?

Should be thinking:  Why the hell did I come back?

MIKE:  It felt so good to tell off that little punk after all these years of me kissing his ass to show what a good father he is, ALWAYS there, ALWAYS taking whatever crumb of affection he might throw my way.  A THOUSAND times I’ve pushed my way into his apartment, groceries in hand, praying I wouldn’t be thrown into the street.  I’ve tried every way I know to show him I care and what can I say?  It’s been a stressful month and I just didn’t want to hear the sob story one more time from him about how bad he had it after I left.  I cracked. 

Should be thinking:  I just backhanded a major crime lord across the mouth.  Hello, World Travel?  I’d like a ticket to anywhere…

BOBBIE:  Well you know, Carly, you can’t live here.  Do my breasts feel real?  If my areolas are showing is my top still too low cut? What is Tony thinking telling me that I shouldn’t be seeing Roy?  Like he knows.  It’s not as though he’s seeing anyone, so he probably can’t remember what’s it’s like to feel passionate, not that he ever DID. Even though he was strange and scary, it was exciting to see him in his Mr Hyde mode just to feel some electricity from him in that bad boy way, you know, like with Roy and Jerry, and Damian and DL and Scott and …

Should be thinking:  I should call Rae Cummings and see if she can do a total makeover for me.  Where is my surgery schedule??  I should be at work!!  Maybe I should take some quiet, introspective time on my own to find my core of consciousness and learn to love non-felons.  Gee.  I’m hungry.  I think my body could use some nourishment. 

LUKE:  Man, I startin’ to think I might not beat this rap that Bubba’s set me up to take, but what is the alternative?  Putting my life on the line with that hyena Scott Baldwin just so he can look good to my WIFE?  I don’t think so.  I’d do better letting Foster plead my case.  I might as well have Bat himself crawl out of his grave to defend me.  Either way, I’m going to prison.  It’s a damned shame that there are only two attorneys in town, one with a conflict of interest with the case and the other with a conflict of interest with me.  Oh, Orphie.  Why couldn’t you have picked any*other*time in the world to rip off a piece of your skirt and serve it up to me? 

Should be thinking:  My GOD she is so YOUNG!!  What have I been thinking?  I barely see my little daughter!  She’s growing up with no male figure and will have the impression burned into her head that *men leave*.  Man, I remember how it felt when Laura and I teamed up to find Lucky.  It was like no time had passed and god, how I miss that!  I’ll bet, I’ll just bet, if we both set our minds to it, we can be a family again.  First, I have to apologize to Scott and get past my testosterone enough to work with him as a team to get out of this bogus murder rap.  Then I’m getting my family back!

MAC:  God, I hate that murdering, wife thief, Spencer.  I will do anything, anything to make sure that he stays behind bars for the rest of his shabby existence.  Ah, Felicia, light of my life.  I am so grateful that you have finally come to your senses and decided that there’s no place like home, no place like home.  We can rebuild this family to its former glory.  First, I just need for you to spend some time alone with that Spencer rat to make certain you’ve resolved your feelings for him.  It’s only right.

Should be thinking:  Let’s see…I have no body, just a missing person and a handful of circumstantial evidence.  Hmmm.  Maybe he didn’t do it.  Maybe the mother who has also been threatening to do him in for months and is now missing in action did it.  Didn’t I tell her not to leave until the case was resolved?  Let’s see.  Faison has a history of surviving boat explosions and we didn’t find any little body parts floating in the Port Charles harbor.  Could he be alive?  Why are all of my professional co-workers discussing the particulars of our cases in every hallway in this building?  Felicia, I do love you and I understand that people can go a little mad sometimes.  Do it One. More. Time and I’d not recommend closing your eyes to sleep for a Good.  Long.  Time.  Fool me once, shame on you.  Fool me twice and I’ll kill you in your sleep.  By the way, I think Maxie has a crush on me.

FELICIA:  Oh, Luke, I can't let you go to PRISON for a crime I know you didn't commit!!  You were with me and I have NO regrets about our time together.  None!!  I'm sure Mac and the girls will understand!  I have to save you.

Should be thinking:  Hiram, you're on your own.

ROY:  God, I love getting laid again.

Should be thinking:  Why does Bobbie look like a totally different person than when I died?  Why do I have to wear her like spandex whenever we are in the same room?  Can her eyes GET any wider?  How.  Do.  I.  Get.  Her.  To.  SHUT UP???  Can the writers please put me with Laura?  Please?  Please?  Or Amy??  Or Lila??  Or anyone else??  Please?

TAMMY:  Lord, I love this job.

Should be thinking:  Lord, I hate this job.  I took a 90% cut in pay to sling hash, give away free coffee and watch little Liz breeze in late to work EVERY DAY??  Mike, you’re forty miles of bad road and I’ve been walking toooo long.  Beat it.

TONY:  I don’t know, it just seems to me as if Bobbie doesn’t have that great of a track record with men, you know?  She just keeps wracking up these felons who all have a reason why they’re now using their powers for good instead of evil.  I don’t think this is good for Lucas and if Bobbie doesn’t handle this, there’s going to be a tongue lashing like you would not believe.

Should be thinking:  If I just had a gun, we’d solve this here and now and I’d have a story line again.

AJ:  Sures I hates.  But I comes by me hates fair and squares.  ****OOOPS, BACK UP***  I HATE when I’m channeling and someone else drops in.  That was Poopdeck Pappy from Popeye.  Lets go back in on AJ.  I know what I need!  A drink.  Just a little drink.  Nahhh, a big one.  Big ol’ drink.  Look at that Hannah.  Man, I bet I know what she’d look like naked.  Oh yeah.  Taggert?  Go on, man, give it your best shot.  Didn’t they teach you in cop school that the Lord loves drunks and little children?  I’m so pickled I’d never feel the punch.  It’s called annnnnn-esssss-thezzz---yaaa.  Jason…Grr…

Should be thinking:  That’s enough.  He should just be thinking at all.

HANNAH:  Poor, poor AJ.  Poor AJ…poor misunderstood AJ.

Should be thinking:  I wonder if it bothers Marcus that I’m cleaning up after the pink elephants in AJ’s circus 24/7.

MARCUS:  Gee, I’m not really sure how to approach Hannah with this, but I don’t think it’s good for her to be enabling AJ like she is.

Should be thinking:  Quartermaine, you and me gonna throw down.  Two hits: I hit you and you hit the floor.

ELIZABETH:  Damn!  That Lucky is so dog-gone frustrating!  He loves me, I know it, but he’s just weird and stuff.  I know I can get through to him if I keep trying.  I can be patient.  I’ll get on with my life and if he comes around, great, if not, I’ll hold my head proud and eventually join a convent and draw for little blind children. 

Should be thinking:  Jason, mmmmm, Jason…let’s go for a riiiiiide.  By the way, whatever happened to my family??

EMILY:  Zander.  Mrs. Emily Zander.  I Y Zander.  Wait!  His NICKNAME is Zander.  Duh!!  His last name is Smith. Mrs Emily Smith.  Like, ewww!  Mrs. Emily Quartermaine-Smith.  Rock on. 

Should be thinking:  Juan who??

JUAN:  I must release ‘Heart and Soul’ early.  Everyone misses hearing me sing.  Where is the microphone?  “Seems like all of the time people change their minds…”  My words can reach Emily across the airwaves and I’ll touch her heart through my music.

Should be thinking:  Where the hell is my real father?  Why am I not touring with him?? What a gig!  Father and son, main attraction and opening act!  Can no one at L&B figure this one out? Where’s Alyson or that Sherry chick?

LUCKY:  Nikolas and Elizabeth belong together.

Should be thinking:  What the total hell is wrong with me?  Jonathan Jackson would never have agreed to this bs story.  He learned his lesson with the worm farm.  Let me kiss Elizabeth some more. 

NIKOLAS:  I kind of dig that Gia.  She is peppy and feisty, just like Katherine used to be. 

Should be thinking:  What a wasted opportunity!!  When I was showing Gia Ted in the freezer, I should have said, “I’ve got a stiffy for you!!”  Shouldn't I at least have a memorial service for my father/uncle/mentor? 

NED:  Poor Alexis!  This is really taking a toll on her.  Wait.  She’s a little too interested in that e-mail I sent under a false name. 

Should be thinking:  Oh my GOD!  I missed a place shaving.  How totally embarrassing!  I look just like Reginald!!  Where the hell is Chloe?

ALEXIS:  I HATE e-mail, I HATE Eddie’s Angel, I HATE Luke Spencer.  I love this penthouse, I love my neighbor, I love this e-mail (OK, so things change!  Adapt!!). 

Should be thinking:  Luke Spencer is an idiot and a loose cannon and I’m glad I’m off the case.  How can I make money from the Eddie’s Angel bit?  Hey, if it’s going to BE, might as well BE a profit.  What’s that on Ned’s chin?  Hmm, that will be gone as soon as we’re m-worded.  Where the hell is Jax?  Where the hell is Chloe?  Stefan hadn’t been missing this long before murder was presumed!!

LAURA:  I’m on my way home. 

Should be thinking:  I’m on my way home!  I want my husband back, my mom in the public eye and my son’s brain back in his head.  Laura’s back in more ways than one!!

See ya next week!!