February 2, 2004

To say that I was moved by the warm welcome I received last week from the EOS readers would be an insult to any other understatement that could ever be made.  I was madly verklempt and threatened a good cry, which isn't my way. 

I'd fully expected to be overpowered in some dark alley by the rabid fans of anyone I'd managed to toe-stomp as I babbled on inanely about my scattered GH thoughts.

I read wonderful writers like Kathy Hardeman and wish I could be as uplifting, positive and cheery as they are, but I'm more of a yikes! kind of person.  I had to laugh at her new column where she says someone suggested that her column was slanted toward the doings of the Fab 4.  *snort*  I mean, how could a GH column NOT be slanted toward them when they constitute a solid 70-80% of the air time?  If one were to slant toward (say it, JenJen) the ROTC (Rest Of The Cast), then one's column would only be about three paragraphs long!  Why would a writer WANT to not talk about the Fab 4 when they give us so much material to talk about??  I could talk about Sonny, Carly, Jason and Courtney all damned day and never run out of jests.  They're a Mad magazine spoof of a soap opera and how can you not love it?

Many I should just cut to the chase and call the column "Cwoffee and the Fab Four."  Of course, they all have their little extensions.  Mikey and Morgan extend out, Deputy Brian (Thankee, Ma'am), Lorenzo, Sam, Jax By Proxy, Ric Lansing, Elizabeth By Proxy, Faith, Zander By Proxy and Lucky The Arresting Officer are all tentacled out from the four.  Lucky cracks me up as the New Mac, who only has a scene if there is someone to arrest.  He's our own little PCPD Copper version of Fire Marshall Bill.  "DOES ANYBODY NEED ARRESTING HERE?"

I'm not sure if the writers, producer and various other powers that be are aware of it or not (psst... don't tell them because it might not go over well), but there is an opposing faction of *Other People* who are getting airtime!  Of course, we actively hate them all, but they're decidedly not the Fab 4 or any of their longish tentacles.  I wouldn't say we hate them all, because of course we don't.  We only hate some of them.  How can I love Lindze Letherman so much and hate Georgie so deeply?  Nah, I don't hate her, I just don't think these imbecilic writers have a clue how to write for teens and since the writers are so determined to have all women be sex-driven, man-obsessed sluts (except Alexis, whose crotch evidently grew back together and went to sleep for 100 years after Kristina was born), they have to get Georgie and Maxi well into slut basic training, even going so far as to have Georgie make up a man to slut for.  If they read the books on "What to Expect When Your Child is a Teen" (the 8th installment after "What to Expect When You're Expecting"), they'd know that this behavior of imaginary playmates hits around LuLu's age, not Georgie's.  Of course, Lulu needs to make up playmates because she never, ever gets to see any real people other than Lesley.

So we have the teen field coming up in Sage, Dillon, Georgie and Maxie (leaving out poor Kyle and Lucas, who have vanished and no one cares), the Scoobies of our new decade.  They have nothing to do with the Fab 4 and no story that is of any interest to me.

Next is the Dread Pirate Nikoli and his maiden fair, neither of whom can I stand any more.  I did, however, find their Silver Wedding Anniversary photo to the left here.  Has there ever been a couple who sucked quite so much face... or just sucked quite as much?  I'm all for kissing and such, but I've seen people revived with artificial respiration who didn't get as much open mouth time as these two.  Natalia Livingston always looks as if she's either going to break into tears or break into song at any moment.  There is no in between.

Maybe with Em and Nik, it's the whole premise of their Cold-Cocking-Zander beginnings that puts my maxi pad on adhesive side up.  When she was dead in the bed for the 21 minutes of true sick her cancer gave her, she was more than willing to let Zander put his heart on his sleeve and his ring on her finger.  As soon as she got her energy back and realized she was going to live, she was turning her little button nose up at Zander and Nikolas was wearing her like a Texas belt buckle.  Somehow in all of this, they managed to make Zander the bad guy for wanting to be married to the love of his life for longer than five minutes and not have to push Nikolas out of the bed in order to give her a little pickle tickle once in a while.

I think the only side jaunt... OK, I'll come out and say it, the only STORY I like on GH right now is the one that draws together Helena, Tracy, Luke and Skye.  Everyone else can just *go away* and I'd have a really happy show.  I do like Dillon, Georgie and Maxi, mind you, I just don't enjoy the constant emphasis on teen sex (last I heard, most kids that age do a little more than have sex and look for more sex to have) and I hate the material these writers give them.  Somehow, I have trouble envisioning little Georgie and Maxi, who I watched grow up, shopping at Retail Slut and bitching because their thongs are riding too high. 

I like the people I never, ever get to see, like Monica, Alan, Bobbie, Mac, Cameron and Alexis.  I can't even count them as a story I like or don't like since they never get one.  They officially are on the bench as the old people who get hauled out for weddings and funerals.

So I have to judge those that I do see and the only place I see where cool characters, good acting and writing I can stomach converge is in the Helena, Tracy, Luke and Skye arena.  These four could act out the phone book and make it look like Shakespeare.  THEY should be called the Fab 4!

Now that Luke is back, I have great hope that this story might actually go someplace, even after the fire wheedles down the cast and gets rid of all the people the writers can't stand.  I only wish I could choose who to throw onto the pyre.

So having talked all around it, there is nothing left to do but rag on the Fab 4.  I've laughed uproariously as the message boards have focused on little else.  As with any divorce, the sides are forming between the Carly people and the Sonny people, with the Carly and Sonny people being forced to pick their alliance or be shot off the fence by friendly fire.  Never have there ever been two people more determined to get in their own way and navigate the cow pasture by stepping in every pile of shit along the way.  Carly betrays Jason (who would ultimately have been her ally when he realized how much Michael needed his mother) by luring him to her while Lorenzo, a total stranger to her kids who have been told god knows what about him, goes to fetch them?  Won't Michael think he and Morgan are being kidnapped by the same man who held his mother captive?  Desperate yes, but this is not at all the time for stupid. 

This whole thing is a plane crashing at an alarming rate, spinning into the ground at breakneck speed, taking everyone involved along with it.  Sadly, they'll all live and have to spend the next few months walking through the rubble talking to themselves and anyone else who will listen.

What I find most interesting, and can only attribute to Sam since she's the only new variable (and I am bane to give her any credit because I absolutely despise the character and I'm not sure I'm all that hip to the actress), is that Sonny (unless I missed it, which is possible since I nodded off way more than once) has gotten through so far without breaking even a single glass!  How can that be??

Of course, to the other side, I haven't seen any glassware around him, so maybe the people around him got wise and started making him drink his whiskey in Tupperware tumblers.

Or perhaps it is Sam and the fact that he's been drilling her like she's hidden Jed Clampett's oil in her uterus since Carly brushed her lips against Lorenzo's at an inopportune moment.

I loved that Carly actually called him on the "Oh, you can kiss Brenda goodbye with tongues and tit feels and an erection the size of my freakin leg, but I touch my cheek to Lorezo's and suddenly you're Enigo Montoya and I'm the Six Fingered Man? WTF, Asshole?" situation.  Of course, his answer was lame, "You had your cheek on the cheek of the MAN who tried to KILL our FAMILY!!  He is my MORTAL ENEMY and you were BRUSHING him!!"  ANYway. Like Brenda and Carly had just gotten back from a trip to Bloomies when Sonny planted one on her, not to mention, I don't think he could use the telling her goodbye excuse when they were plane crashed on the island and he was licking her tonsils and groping her throbbing torso.  Did I mention Sonny was NOT shot in his sex brain when he was soul kissing Bendable Brenda?  Carly at least had an excuse.

God, I hate Sonny more every day.  I see him bitching her out, spittle flying out of his perfect little hateful little mouth, his eyes looking like beady little knobs of coal and I just want to spend some serious smacking time with him.

And I'm not even a Carly fan.

AT all.

Carly pissed me off when she seduced Tony and I haven't forgiven her since.

So there.

Now we hear that Sonny is going to punish Carly for her evil doings with a good old fashioned rapin'.  That should make Jason good and proud.  I hear it's not going to be as sweet as when he punished Hannah for her FBI-ness with sex and will, in fact, be quite brutal.  I'm thinking that's just what our show needs.  We need Sonny to really brutally rape his estranged wife for having the audacity to try and keep her children in the wake of his self-involved, poor fuckin me, double-standards having pity party.  The writers have outdone themselves this time.  If Sonny and Carly are able to come back from that, I'll forever fast forward them.  Forever.  (I'll only be watching for the REAL Fab 4, Helena, Tracy, Luke and Skye anyway and figure I can clear GH in about 10 minutes that way)  Yes, yes, yes, I love the show, I just hate the majority of the stories and characters.  You know...a forest and trees conundrum.

As my idol, Sage Bourland, once told us, Head Writer Bob Guza was born of a cold, hard woman and nursed at a cold stone tit.  He hates women and by god never lets one forget it.  Carly got to be the Madonna for a while, but now she's a whore like all the rest of them and Sonny is Guza's holy anointed agent to put her right in her wretched place.

I wonder how Sam will react the first time she's sent to her room.

Did I mishear or did Sonny just order Jason to be on his side today?

Did I mishear or did Jason tell Carly, "Fuck it, I'm not going to babysit you any more?"

DID I MENTION HE REMORSELESSLY **KILLS** PEOPLE??  He fricking KILLS people and his only justification is to shrug and say, "They needed killin." 

Yeah, there's a man for ya to love.

Maybe if Jason grew about 3 more inches in a private place and realized he really does love Carly, walked into Lorenzo's apartment, carried her out while "Love Lifts Us Up Where We Belong" and then (without dropping her) called Sonny on his cell phone and resigned from the position of "Mah Bitch," everyone could be happy. 

Welll, except Lorenzo, who will need a new woman to stalk...

A soft, doe-eyed, shy-smiled Jewish goil who likes her coffee in bed with a hot snack...

Meh. I'll sit in the dawk like a dawg until he calls. 

And he will call.

(I'm all verklempt  again.  Talk amongst yourselves.  Jason... he's neither a hit nor a man... discuss)

Til next time. 

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