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Eye
on Soaps is pleased and proud to welcome former September 28, 2005 I am all kinds of humbled that I get to be an EOS columnist. This is truly awesome. Thanks Katrina, and thanks to the other columnists for their kind words. Just to let you know, the gorgeous dame up top is not me. I have a similar pic as an avatar in some of the boards I visit, and have had people think it is me. That is Jadzia Dax, as played by Terry Farrell. She is an amazing character in the Star Trek universe. I mean, who else could look beautiful, witty, shrewd, daring, sophisticated, brave, passionate, in control, dangerous, and damn sexy just simply holding a goblet of wine? The scenes between JR, Babe, Krystal and Adam were like canny to me. I loves me some canny (wink to Sage). Gotta hand it to Krystal. If I hadn’t already read the spoiler for it, I would have never guessed that Krystal set up Adam. Never. So I guess Babe’s willingness to literally sleep with the enemy was learned at her mama’s knee. So many great one-liners, but I think my favorite was Krystal waxing poetic. “He poured so much moonshine down my throat that I thought that fluffy, white hair was clouds passing across the moon.” The Carey/Chandler deliciousness continued with the addition of David. I loved JR’s revelation that his father was taking Hayward’s leftovers. And Krystal calling Adam “Candypants” - that’s my new favorite endearment. Then there was Adam whipping out the video camera to try and get dirt on Krystal. How is it that a man as rich as Adam has a video camera that is 15 years old? I guess the newfangled small ones wouldn’t have packed enough of a wallop on David’s head. I have to laugh at Di’s indignant, “Would you stop attacking me?” I dunno, Di, maybe Tad’s upset because you were just caught in a whopper of a lie. Every time he confronted her this week, I wanted to scream, “Just spit it out!” But she got him good at the end of the week. She made him (and me) think she really wanted him to get the letter. As Admiral Ackbar said on Return of the Jedi: It’s a TRAP!” It’s a common and unfair joke that men think with their penis. In the case of Tad, that phrase really hits the nail on the head (all implied puns intended). Seriously, it was ONE year ago that Krystal was spouting the same lines to Tad that Di is telling him now. You would think after that fiasco he would have learned that when a woman tells him her secret could break them up, that he needs to run NOW. Yet here he is saying the same thing again: “What could possibly be so awful…?” RUN!!! Word to Zach: If Tad gets too annoying or uncooperative, just sleep with him. Tad will be your willing slave for life. I thought it was great that Zach and Tad banded together for one glorious nanosecond to smack down Mimi. But it was short-lived, because the two men went back to their scornful assessment of each other, which promises to continue into next week. So Zach helped Edmund get killed? Wow. That’s a new one on me. And here I thought it was because Edmund was trying to investigate a mysterious cell phone call that piqued his interest before Zach even came to town. As a matter of fact, if Zach hadn’t come to town and provided a distraction for Edmund to stew over for months and months, he might have found out the caller was Jonathan much sooner, and bit the dust much sooner. So really, Zach was the reason Edmund stayed alive as long as he did. Speaking of Tad’s tendencies to mouth off about things he knows nothing about, his son was continuing the tradition this week. Jamie is the proud new owner of the Martin Mouth. It was funny that David compared him to his father, because with the lab coat he looked a lot more like his equally smug Uncle Jake. What to say about Julia’s attempt at hitchhiking? I couldn’t decide if she was imitating Celine Dion or if she was imitating Ana Gasteyer imitating Celine Dion. And then later in the week when she was practicing her staking technique – oy! I haven’t been this cheesed out since the infamous days of Unfrozen Caveman Stavros on GH. I also laughed during the jail cell nightmare. The writers seem to expend a lot of time and effort drilling it into our brains that Julia is trapped, that the WPP is the most horrible form of torture on earth, that the walls are closing in, oh no, sweet heaven, the walls are closing in! I still can't get over that Zach bought Julia the fugliest shirt on the face of the earth. I swear to heaven when I first saw her in it, I thought she had borrowed it from Sam. Garrett is only a slight improvement in the sense that he managed to find Julia a dress in the same style that she seems to like - The Widow Pat Benatar. Would it kill these smart and influential men to ask a sales lady for advice on what to buy? So, is Garrett really Styles, or does he just possess a great deal of information? If he really is Styles, this makes the second brutha of Noah’s that ended up being a scumbag. The guy really had bad taste in friends. But why am I surprised, considering he married Julia? Ouch! That was harsh. But I’ll leave it in for now. I reserve the right to take it back when she starts wearing the pretty red dresses on a regular basis, instead of just in her fantasies. I don’t mind when a girl goes Rambo, if it is someone we already like and it is a cause that we really care about. If Kendall were to rip off a strip of her dress and tie it around her forehead, then cock a rifle with one hand, and hold a grenade in the other, pulling the pin out with her teeth in order to save Zach from….okay, is it getting hot in here? I think I love Garrett just because he mentioned Bagheera. Jungle Book is a wonderful read. The dynamic between him and Julia is very interesting. I got cold chills when she realized that he wants to seduce her, in light of the fact that she’s been raped. Then there was the way he revealed that he knew everywhere she’d been during the last….um, how many years was it? When he brought Di to him, he was just oozing dangerous sexuality. I can’t get over the way the character keeps evolving from smooth talking fiancé to jailbait-coveting perv to dangerous criminal to some freaky “Shaft meets Henry Higgins.” What is most amazing is that Lamman Rucker is making it work. I think he should be the one with the brain tumor, and when he gets better, he can have a harem with Julia and Di. Bring Amanda on board and it can be Garrett’s Angels. Now we’re getting to the point in Zach and Kendall’s relationship where every interaction is so personal, so intense, that I feel like a voyeur watching their scenes. I think Tad and Greenlee felt like voyeurs too, when they were connecting through the bars of that jail cell. Yowza. One of the things I love about Zach is that even as expressive as he is, he is still so mysterious. I want to pop open his head and pick his brain. On the other hand, Kendall is quite transparent when it comes to Zach. She wants so badly for him to be on board the baby express. She tried to be playful in announcing her insemin…implanta…whatever it was, and was furious when he didn’t do the Myposian dance of joy. He said that he would support her, but she apparently wants him to be all grins and giggles about it. But after awhile she seemed content with support, Zach style. Yeah, the VIP suite is tempting, but it doesn’t include Zach living just a few feet away. Kendall was so giddy over the idea of Zach pampering her, that she didn’t notice just how sad he was when he walked out the door. Considering that JR and Kendall didn’t part last on good terms, I found it hard to believe that she would have come to him for advice on love. Oh wait, I know, it’s a thinly-veiled attempt by the writers to advance two storylines at once. Meh. Notwithstanding JR’s last ditch attempt to jump in Kendall’s pants, I am kinda glad that they are friends again. I thought her giving him Chandler Enterprises back was very sweet. Very few things have actually been made right since Michael Cambias cut a path of destruction through Pine Valley. This was one of them. I thought for sure when Erica saw Kendall’s wallet, she was going to conclude that Kendall was pregnant with Zach’s baby. I hope she still jumps to that conclusion somewhere down the line, because that would be hilarious. I had to laugh when later she tried to pry some more information out of Dr. Madden. Even went so far as to suggest he leave her alone with the files. Erica hates having secrets kept from her, and frankly I can’t blame her. People have kept some whoppers from her. I just don’t read “evil” from Dr. Madden. He is the most dour and stiff person on the planet (notwithstanding the occasional attempt at levity, which is made more funny because of the fact that it is coming from him). He is obviously hiding a secret, and it is probably one of those law-breakin and earth-shakin types of secrets. But does this make him evil? I dunno. Just to clarify, I think of evil as wringing your hands maniacally while scheming of ways to mess people over. Dr. Madden may truly be messing people over, but I don’t know if he is doing it because he gets an evil kick out of it. I think he is just a desperate little weasel. I wonder if it will be David that realizes Dr. Madden is up to no good. They can have a Mad Doctor Death Match (MDDM). Speaking of the fertility doctor, there are lots of theories going around about just what sort of Frankenbaby is incubating in Kendall’s womb – you know, the Big Twist that Alicia mentioned on Soap Secrets. I’m sick of trying to take this seriously, so I’ve decided to come up with the most ridiculous theory possible. It involves Dr. Madden being Duke Lavery’s long lost twin. He’s decided that he is fed up with Ryan blaspheming the good Lavery name by pretending Patrick Curry was a Lavery. Rather than let Greenlee continue to mess it up with Ryan’s genes, he will put his own Lavery genes on the egg. Little Greglee will grow up with the name and the characteristics of a true Lavery. Cheers!
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