I have been struggling for hours now to come up with a clever, maybe even witty, opening for this column. And then I thought to myself, “Kate, why should you have to answer to a higher standard than the writers of Friday night’s Emmy show?”

 

Aren’t awards shows supposed to be a celebration of whatever medium, genre and/or cult* is patting itself on the back?  Is it too much to expect a little fun, some amusement and, going out on a limb here, maybe even some energy? Where was the party feel?  The whole thing felt obligatory to me. Like a social event you have to attend, but staying home to floss sounds like a better time. The kind of party where this conversation takes place beforehand, “ Here’s the plan. We circulate, say hello to everyone. Compliment the boss on his house. We stay 90 minutes, MAX. If vacation videos get pulled out, I plead a migraine and we leave.”

 

CBS gets some points for recognizing that other networks have daytime TV shows, too. Having co-hosts from ABC and NBC was a nice classy touch. Too bad they had nothing to do but read cue cards whose words were forgotten almost before they were spoken. And the presenters were a nice mix from all the networks, too. However when it comes to entertainment value, few points will be given by this viewer.

 

Where were the clips showing the nominees? Viewers watch this show because, well, we cannot get enough of  “our” shows. Why don’t the producers ever understand this? Why can’t the Daytime Emmys get even an extra 30 minutes to montage us into orgasmic viewer bliss?

 

And, no disrespect meant, but was Mr. Bell the only soap person who died in the past 12 months? What about Gerald Anthony, Tony George and Ruth Warrick?  A few clips and a few words would have been appreciated.

 

Those of you who have read my previous Emmy columns know that I no longer watch to see who wins. Winning, or losing for that matter, seldom has anything to do with talent. Is it picking a winning tape? Mars being in retrograde? Judges having stock in a lipgloss company? Or, are judges confused when an actor has more than two expressions? Who knows?  I first got the point about winning not making sense when Jacob Young won for GH.  And the point was driven home again Friday night when Natalia Livingston from GH won for Best Supporting Actress. Color me mystified.

 

On the other hand, ATWT’s win for Best Writing made sense to me.  Just for the scene in the church when Hal forgives and understands Emily’s attraction to Chris. Or the scenes where Tom and Margo realize their marriage is worth more than her attraction to another man. Or for being consistently interesting enough that I want to tune in every day. I guess now I have officially come out as an ATWT viewer.

 

And wasn’t Eden Riegel’s win racktacular? Oops, of course I mean spectacular. Her speech was my favorite because she seemed not only excited to win, but excited just to be there. What can I say about her dress except that it certainly made Ms. Riegel look regal.

 

 

 

Have you ever been embarrassed for someone you didn’t even know? That’s how I felt during David Lago’s speech. Plus, even back in the days when I was hanging out at Max’s Kansas City, crushed purple velvet on a guy did nothing for me. My opinion remains unchanged on that.

 

Mr. Lago does not win my award for worst dressed man. That’s a three-way tie between Lorenzo Lamas, Justin Bruening and Winsor Harmon.  Mr. Lamas left me speechless and not in a good way. Hey, dude, did anyone tell Mr. Bruening and Mr. Harmon that this was a formal affair?

 

 

(Oh and the mention of Winsor Harmon reminds me. Next year will someone please provide spittoons so that gum chewers can dispose of their gum before talking? Better yet, make the Emmys a gum free zone. Whether it’s on the Red Carpet, in the audience or on stage, gum chewing is not a good look. Ever.  End of today’s etiquette lesson.) 

 

Ron Moss is in a category all by himself.  Mr. Moss, the Isadora Duncan scarf worked well on Vanessa Redgrave in 1968. On you in 2005? Not so much.

 

 

I have gotten a few emails asking me about Hunter Tylo’s face. Honestly, I did not even notice her face because I was too busy wondering why her dress designer decided to make her breasts look like two ottomans. Did I miss the memo announcing that upholstered bodices are now in fashion?

 

Her unfortunate choice of dresses stood out even more because so many actresses looked so good.

 

Maura West looked fresh and elegant in white. She and Michael Parks were the best looking couple of the night.

 

 

Remember a few years back when seeing a woman’s thong through her dress was a fairly common Red Carpet occurrence? Renee Goldsberry’s dress had a fresh spin on that look. Her dress was beaded to look as if we were seeing her thong. Ahh, to have the body to be able to pull off that look as successfully as she did. Plus, she had the best accessory of the night - Dan Gauthier. (And thank you to the reader who sent me this photo!)

 

 

(I think the accessory Dan Gauthier should have had was an Emmy, but he did not even get a nomination. He gave consistently excellent performances all last year, but as usual, the Emmys avoid logic whenever possible.)

 

Vivica A. Fox was amazing in green. The sequins. The train. And the carriage to pull it off.

 

 

Feathers were everywhere; but surprisingly enough not in Victoria Rowell’s hair.

 

Mackenzie Westmore has that old style Hollywood thing going on so well that she makes peacock feathers seem like a very reasonable choice. The tiny feathers at the base of her spine were a whimsical touch. I wonder how many requests she got to shake her tail feathers?

 

Tyra Banks had feathers in extremis. I felt sorry for the people sitting next to her who probably spent much of the evening brushing the feathers out of their faces and trying not to sneeze.

 

Ms. Rowell did not have feathers in her hair but she did have an odd little bow on her bodice. And a surprisingly casual dress, despite the beading.

 

 

I am more and more convinced that Erika Slezak and Meryl Streep shop at the same awards show dress store. They always look elegant but safe. I suggest that next year Ms. Slezak shock everyone by wearing that red beaded number Ben brought back from Vegas for his Blondie.

 

(Congratulations to Ms. Slezak on her Emmy win. OLTL never gives her much to do that is really, truly about Viki, but when they do she runs with it.)

 

Who suggested to Monica Surrat Treadway that Eileen Davidson design her dress?  Bad idea.

 

 

I imagine that Gina Tognoni’s dress looked much better in person than on camera. All I know is, that in this house, much time was spent discussing whether or not we had actually seen her nipple. (Hey, we had to do something to keep from slipping into a coma.)

 

I could hardly see Kelly Monaco, despite all the cut outs, in all that dress. Petite women, heck all women, need to take a lesson from Susan Lucci. One reason she always looks good is because she makes certain that her clothes fit her. It does not matter how dazzling the dress; if it does not fit, it won’t look good and neither will you.

 

I was mildly disappointed when I learned that CBS would be hosting the show this year because that meant I would not see many ABC actors. Still, I thought there would be a bright side: I would not to suffer through the women of The View. Imagine my “delight” when they appeared. First of all Ms. Walters, the name of Bobby Flay’s show is Boy Meets Grill, not Boy Meets Girl.  Secondly, if I wanted to know anything about their personal lives, I would watch their show. And thirdly, why did Star Jones Reynolds wear her bathrobe on stage?

 

 

I just need to mention again, because it’s my column, that, damn, Eden Riegel looked great.

 

Did I enjoy anything about the show itself? Well, I enjoyed learning during the pre-show that Dan Gauthier giggles. That was fun.

 

And I took great, even though petty, delight in watching JFP’s speech get cut short.  The only thing that could have made me happier would have been if Brian Frons had been giving the speech.

 

And finally, if I cannot be AMC’s headwriter, can I at least produce next year’s Emmy show? Pretty please?

 

 

*the SAG awards always seem like a cult award show to me.

 

(the photos in this article came from Yahoo!, cbs.com and gettyimages)