February 22, 2005

 

Associated Press Wire….Trend setting Pine Valley, Pennsylvania has done it again. Earlier this week the City Council passed a law requiring each PV resident to stop at 12:15pm each day and shout, “You are not the boss of me!” It may seem odd but City Councilman Alfred Vanderpoole says it makes perfect sense, “ Pine Valley is a vibrant town filled with creative, passionate, ambitious and, unfortunately, petulant people. Recent economic indicators predicted a slowdown in growth and productivity that was frightening. A PVU study showed that our much of our citizens’ days were frittered away by immaturely asserting their independence to whomever would listen, whether or not they were involved in the same storyline. We hope that by containing these petulant outbursts to a few short minutes every day we can reverse this downward trend.” Pine Valley certainly may be on to something. Rumor has it that towns as far away as Port Charles, New York and Oakdale, Illinois are considering similar proposals.

 

My personal life remains troublesome and chaotic. No surprise then that my AMC viewing has been troublesome and chaotic, too. I have been watching recent episodes almost on the day they air, followed by a tape of one the past month’s episodes. Sometimes it is hard to tell which is the more recent tape. So many scenes are similar and so many have the “You are not the boss of me” theme. Jonathan to Ryan. Ryan to the ghosts of childhood past. Zach to Erica. Erica to Zach. Ethan to Zach. Maria to her libido. Jamie to Tad. Tad to David. Maggie to Jonathan. Maggie to Bianca. Babe to JR. JR to Babe. It’s enough to make a sane person shout, “oh grow up” to the entire population.

 

It is also difficult for me to tell which day’s episode of  “The Beatification of Babe” I am watching. Perhaps a few rounds of Saint Babelicious at SOS would help me sort them all out. Yes, it was good of Babe to save Binky from Jonathan, but wouldn’t any passerby have done the same thing? (OK so Bobby would have just called “911”, but still…) I am rather interested to see what other saintly acts Babe will be performing in order to make the viewers just love her. Will Erica’s days as Desiree DuBois finally catch up with her? Then Babe can donate part of her liver to Erica. Will Babe volunteer to teach Anita how to properly swallow spotted dick, thus saving Aidan’s and Anita’s relationship? Will Babe donate her perky breasts to Marion for a transplant?

 

I know it was weeks ago, but I still cannot get the image of Marion in that red sweater out of my mind.  It shocked me into confusion and for a moment there I thought to myself, “Darn that is one big Dromedary toe Marion has.”  Then I realized I wasn’t watching porn after all, just another horrifying decision by the AMC wardrobe department. Marion, darling, as a woman of a certain age with ample breasts myself, please listen to these words of wisdom, “Discretion is the better part of cleavage.”

 

I was also confused by Zach’s statement that “JR is the cause of all of Bianca’s problems.” Did I miss the scene where JR dressed up in blonde cornpone drag and switched the DNA labels?

 

I was not confused by the AMC decision to have Edmund depart. They really never gave Edmund anything to do but be with Maria, and that reunion fizzled even before Zach came to town. Some relationships don’t work, no matter how much whipped cream is in the bedroom.

 

Plus, Eddie’s revenge plans for Zach had a singular lack of passion. Remember how passionate his plans for ruining Dimitri were?  This Edmund has no fire in his belly, leading me to believe that a bullet in his spine was the least of his problems.

 

I wonder which one of the AMC writers has the dumpster fetish?

 

I miss Tom Cudahy. Ryan could certainly use him as a friend. Who better to advise Ryan about having a violent brother?  And to let Ryan know that while the desire to save a sibling is a good one, it is not always possible.

 

Ryan is back to being a Lavery. Given that Chris did not like Ryan at all when they met, why did Chris go to the effort of pretending to be his father?

 

And who would have guessed that Chris Stamp, federal agent, chauffeur, lawyer, janitor and gourmet chef was also a journal keeper? And that he would write something as potentially damaging as not being Ryan’s father in an unlocked journal? And more importantly, did the pages in his journal have little glittery Strawberry Shortcake stickers on them?

 

If Maggie does move to Paris will she be attending classes with her relative by marriage Robin Scorpio at the Sorbonne?

 

Do the writers even remember that David and Maggie are related?

 

Why don’t I ever get a job with a company that has an apartment in Paris?

 

Wouldn’t the custody trial have been more interesting if all the principle players were as good as Dan Gauthier at portraying conflicting emotions?

 

I thought the abuse storyline was well done, albeit a bit brief. But didn’t it lose all its PSA credibility when Ryan lamely convinced Maggie to not file charges against Jonathan?

 

I have mixed emotions about Kendall, but oh how I loved her when she called Babe, “that little bitch.”

 

Was anyone hoping that the CambiKanes would have played a bigger role in bringing the Concubine Conspiracy conspirators to justice? It could have been great fun and very satisfying for us, the lowly viewers.

 

Will this week’s spoilers be satisfying? Who knows because while Megan McTavish and Brian Frons may not be the boss of me, they are the bosses of AMC.

 

(As is my habit, I wrote this opening part of my column on Saturday with plans to add the spoilers on Sunday. Unfortunately, the trend of Sunday ambulance rides to the ER continued this past Sunday. This time, however, it was not my mother, but mewho was the passenger. Which proves, I guess, that caretakers really do need to take care of themselves, too. I am home now and legally heavily drugged. Being heavily drugged certainly helped during the custody travesty trial today. Thank you for hanging in there with me and my column during these difficult times, both in Pine Valley and real life.)

 

For spoilers, check out Katrina’s writings. And a thank you to Katrina for filling in for me.