Spoilers I use for commentary are compliments of  Soap Zone and Carol Banks Weber:

Hei mine elsklinger!

It's another exciting, soapy week on AMC as many of the very classic soap storylines, tried and true are wheeled out of retirement and put into action like an octogenarian version of Charlie's Angels.  She's wooing the man she hates to get _____ (in this case, close to her baby) but oops!  Her heart just might betray her!  The bad guy is really who?  Someone you were supposed to least expect but likely figured out a while back and boy does he get what's coming to him this week!  The dead guy comes back and walks right into his own funeral!  The girl get the guy but doh!  Bare minutes before her triumphant return from killing the bad guy, the  AMC saint, descending like Gabriel telling Mary she was now officially immaculately impregnated, gives the guy the fated letter that tells that she isn't really who she says she is, but is instead, a long lost sister of his one true love who just happened to know every minute detail about a life she never led.  The new hotness couple are on the brink of finally admitting that they are hopelessly in like with one another when doh!  His part in a baaad thing he did is revealed and she never wants to speak to him again.  Oooooh!  There's something going on with the "new" guy in town and it has to do with the town Diva.

It just doesn't get much soapier than that! 

To translate, this week Julia ends up blowing Garrett away.  He might have lived if he hadn't had to twist the knife, metaphorically speaking, just one more time.   He came dangerously close to mirroring my own thoughts when he said, "Noah died because of you."  I was ready for him to continue by saying, "He took out a contract on his own life to get rid of your endless simpering and whining and bitching and moaning that just NEVER NEVER EVER F*CKING STOPS!!  (The last line was screamed ala Sam Kinnison in my mind). 

In the thought of "A girl needs her mama, but does a girl really need THIS mama?" Danielle and Mimi actually kiss and make up, but not after Danielle gives her an earful.  For me personally, I don't think there'd be any coming back for a mom who chose a child molester over her own daughter.  That's about where I'd draw the line.

Stuart ends up blowing open the whole Di Kirby secret as the Holy Grail of Letters finds its way into his hands.  He reads it, is hurt and goes straight to Tad with the info.  Tad is typical Tad and is not ready to hear any of Di's explanations about how genuine the feelings she showed to Dixie's family happened to be (thereby guaranteeing that they'll be together just in time for a Real Dixie return).  I guess it's time for him to go propose to Krystal again (Adam will love that one).

We'll see JR's veneer crack this week as Babe's machinations start to do their thing and he becomes painfully aware of the fact that well, let's face it, he's just an asshole (if they really wanted to make him more sincere, they'd bring back Jonathan Bennett to play it).  Babe isn't the one to hear his confession and grant him absolution, however, it's Kendall. 

Have you loved seeing the reactions of Pine Valley folks to the news that Adam and Krystal are Mr and Mrs?  The best is yet to come.  This week, Palmer bless the nuptials with his own special brand of best man's toast.  (And personally, I think Palmer *is* the best man)

Overhead lighting onto her upturned face on the Table O' Implantation simply does not lie.  Kendall is, indeed, bless with child and carries the Sacred Embryo of Antioch within her pretty pink baby basket.  Wouldn't it be grand if we went through the whole pregnancy without a miscarriage scare?

Not a chance.

Playing Tom Sawyer (or Carly Corinthos, who would never be caught dead whitewashing a fence either), Ryan walks in on his own funeral, dramatic and bug-eyed.  Hmmm.  Wonder what day of the week THAT will happen.  When the whole truth comes out, both Greenlee and Kendall are ready for contest to see who can kick their own husband's ass the furthest past the curb.

As Erica steps her threats into high gear, Greg Madden tells Kendall she'd better damned well get that bitch to go on the paper and stop pissin on his shoe.  More ominous music and long, guilty stars as the too long-awaited story of however the hell Gregg grabbed Erica's eggs to scramble up the Josh omelet doesn't come out.

It is confirmed.  Rebecca Buddig is leaving the show the end of this year.  Since Alicia Minshew appears to be going nowhere, one has to wonder whether Greenlee or Greenlee and Kendall's baby will be the one to go softly into that dark night.

Also confirmed is the remarriage of Babe and JR.

Also confirmed is the temporary return of Amanda's mother, Janet (From Another Planet), not in the form of Robin Mattson, but as Kate Collins.

Also confirmed is that Julia is a dumb as I thought she was since this week, she could not tell the difference between bleach and water.  Remind me not to send that broad to the laundry room to get me a drink
 

OLTL Spoiler Commentary 

• On a tip, Bo and John go to the Llantano Lake, prepared to investigate a probable murder.

Or murder a probably investigator, who's keeping track?  Six of one, half a dozen...  what was I saying?

• Bo and John oversee the removal of a female corpse from the shore. Before they can say, Lacy Peterson, there’s another corpse, a baby corpse.

Aaaagghh!  Despite rumors of a baby that lives and is foisted onto Blair, OLTL actually went for it.  Wow.  I'd never considered the Laci Peterson aspect of it before but it's all there:  the boat, the unwanted baby, the even more unwanted mother of the baby...  chilling. 

• Todd seems flabbergasted when Bo gives him the low-down on the corpses. Bo also requests that Todd publish about it in his newspaper.  Todd’s next impulse is to pack up the suitcases and send him and the Manning clan far far away. Blair immediately thinks Todd’s trying to run away from something bad.  Blair coerces Todd into staying put. Instead of an unplanned vacation, they head upstairs to the bedroom for some action.

Proving yet again that this is not really the sexually complex and disturbed Todd Manning, but is, in actuality, Walker Laurence who Blair married.  (cause it sure ain't the Todd I know - "I'm in big trouble!  Let's screw!"  The Todd I know would head upstairs with Blair and then bonk her on the head and jump a private plane to parts unknown with her and the kids)

• Rex forages around, hitting paydirt, someone who might’ve seen what really happened at the lake.

And didn't do anything?  Like the guy who was taping the Rodney King beating... put down the damned camera and do something!

• Rex thinks the female corpse belongs to Margaret, but then who’s the baby?

C'mon, Rex, I know you weren't likely an A student, but I'm betting even you can do the math here.

• Bo gives reporters angling for the hot story, some pertinent updates, which panics Todd.

Since Bo is not known for grabbing the guilty party first, I'm betting the news goes something like, "Todd did it, Todd did it."

• Bo and John come across some fibers on the corpse, but not the corpse’s.  Bo and John also come across some blood on a portion of wood, not the corpse’s blood either.

 Curiouser and curiouser.

• Todd puts Denton on the case of spying on the cops who are pursuing this case, to try to be one step ahead of them. Denton arrives at a conclusion based on his gathering of information: The cops see this as murder most heinous.

Wow, y'think?

• Bo gives Todd the latest update on the corpses, which almost causes Todd to piss himself.

Well, Boss, they're still dead.

• Todd pressures Denton for a cover story, to cover up where he was that night. In the middle of this, Blair arrives, leaving Todd no choice but to cop to the existence of a floating corpse on the lake.  Denton pulls through for Todd, providing that cover.  Todd could help the cops out, but he’s too busy shucking and jiving with Blair – about the events of the lake – and shaking in his boots about the discovery.  Blair notices something askance about Todd. Despite Todd’s embellishment of the truth, Blair forges ahead secretly to ferret out what is going on. She will turn up a car-detailing receipt, and ask him about it.  Todd concocts a make-believe cover story about his whereabouts, to avoid the cops even thinking about pinpointing him at the scene of the crime.

If I had a picture of a bag of hammers here, I'd name it Blair, but I wouldn't want to insult the intelligence of said bag of hammers with the comparison.

• Spencer isn’t exactly oblivious to Todd wigging out.

The boy is nothing if not observant.

• Watch Todd unravel. Watch Spencer slither in for the kill, as Blair’s standby, with an able and coerced assist from Ginger, in exchange for a shot at Duke.

Never to miss an opportunity...

• Viki demands that Todd be forthcoming with her about Margaret and the baby. Thanks to Todd’s convincing act (?!), Viki refuses to give in to any belief that Todd could kill a pregnant woman, much less one carrying his progeny.

And as I have maintained since word first leaked about this story, I really don't think Todd killed her.  The writing and story so far have been set up to look entirely too much like he did do it, thereby assuring us that he did not.

• Bo uncovers more evidence in the double-murder case.

On his own? That's different.

• Rex would like to continue on as Bo’s unofficial righthand informant and junior detective.

And I would like for him to do so as well.  If Antonio is any indication, you can become a cop, even a bad cop, in just a few weeks, so it should not be a problem.

• Bo and Paige sit Matthew down for some bad news about his mother, about her collapse, surgery and coma.

Gotta give the kid the ol' "her brain broke" speech, I guess.

• Paige is left to do damage control (Bo has to deal with the whodunnit) for a distraught Matthew.

Talk about a stepalmostmom trial by fire!

• Spencer sends out invitations to the Buchanan men for David’s bachelor party. The Buchanan men, Kevin, Bo, Asa, etc., are perplexed as to why Spencer would do this.  Spencer openly admits to David that he wants to make the Buchanans rue the day (but for what?).  To help Spencer accomplish his anti-Buchanan mission, David must muzzle Dorian.  David does as Spencer demands, he begs Dorian to stay out of Spencer’s way and to cease and desist with her blackmail attempts.

Story... dragging... too... long... zzzzzz.  If there is any day ruing to be done, I wish they'd get on with it!

• The upcoming bridal shower’s preparations bring old enemies together as, dare we say it? friends. Dorian and Viki get along well, their bond strengthening, defying expectations or definition.

Yes, I saw that one coming!

• Spencer arouses Kevin’s mistrust. But then, Kevin has never stopped seeing that guy as bad news, the proverbial shoe waiting to drop.

When I read that, I saw, "Spencer arouses Kevin's mustache."  Believe me, it was an infinitely more interesting spoiler.

• Kevin and Duke brainstorm Spencer’s motives, arriving at the possibility that espionage is at stake, with the Buchanans’ downfall the goal.

Revenge?  They didn't even think of revenge?  Have they never heard of Digger Barnes?

• Ginger will be one of Spencer’s tools to destroy the Buchanans.

Well, she's a tool alright.

• Who put a pause on the fertility surgery, Dorian or Kevin?, is Kelly’s concern.

Why either of them is able to dictate her fertility procedure is the next question.

• Nash alerts Tess to the presence of Antonio in California, on the hunt for Jessica.

Speaking of tools.

• The mere mention of Antonio’s name brings Jessica out.

Oh yeah.  Awesomah Powah.

• By the time Jessica does resurface, she glances at her sterile, clinical surroundings, it slowly dawning that Tess took them in for an abortion.

I guess Tess springing an abortion on Jess is an appropriate comeback to Jess springing a pregnancy on Tess.

• Antonio walks up to the winery cottage, closing in.

...and thinks, "What a shithole!"

• A sedative makes its way throughout Jessica’s system, slowly putting her out.  Before the doctor can kill their unborn baby, Jessica speaks up, calling a halt to the procedure.

I'd say that's about as close to "nick of time" as you get.

• Despite the doctor urging her to stay put until the sedative wears off, Jessica takes off anyway, groggy but determined to hook back up with Antonio.

Sedated is about the only way I could do that too.

• Nash greets Antonio, but not warmly. Nash calls in the cops, to take intruder Antonio away.  Antonio is carted away before he can alert Nash to Jessica’s mental split.  Try, try again, Antonio’s efforts are rewarded.  Evangeline can hardly believe what’s spouting out of Cristian’s mouth, as he tells her what he thinks happened to him.

He is definitely a determined little pup.

• Evangeline’s concerned about Cristian’s welfare and mortality.

and ability to get out of prison and shake up John and Natalie.

• Carlo’s influence meets up against the brick wall of Cristian’s resistance.

Damn, and I was so enjoying his influence.  Damn brick walls.

• Furious, Carlo issues his intent to menace Cristian, without getting his hands dirty.

As long as he menaces, I don't care.

• Natalie wants Evangeline to be honest about why she’s seeing John all the time, all hush-hush.

She's GOT John and just won't leave it alone.  I'm sure this is quite a turn about for her since usually it was Evangeline who was wondering why Natalie was with John all the time.

• After learning that Evangeline put herself on John Doe’s (Cristian to everybody else) case, to help free him from prison, Natalie goes on the warpath.

Like she ever left it?

• Natalie runs off at the mouth to John about how much she can’t stand Evangeline.

Restraint or tact just isn't really in there, is it?

• Also at the root of Natalie’s bitching: Her insecurity in the face of John and Evangeline’s close proximity on the job.

Yeah, well, if they'll do it with you, they'll do it to you.  That's a heavy load to carry into a relationship.

• Carlo strikes, hoping to claim Cristian as his victim.

And...?

• Antonio has Adriana give Rex the funds to purchase Ultra Violet, thus owning not just managing the nightclub he started from the ground up.

The redemption of Rex draweth nigh.

• Adriana bums Rex out though, when she says she and he can only be platonic.

I am quite sure this is the strongest aphrodisiac any man can ever hear.

• Adriana and Duke mend their broken relationship, back together again. Before they can continue on their merry, romantic way, Duke must be upfront with Adriana about an indiscretion.  As a result, Adriana goes gunning for Ginger.

From ingénue to badass in 10 seconds.

• Whenever Michael is a witness to Hugh and Marcie bantering, he sees only green.

Longest courtship on record.  zzzzzz

• Next week:  Cristian faces peril, with John his only chance for survival… Nash fills Antonio in on the missing pieces, and then Antonio reciprocates… As Todd prepares to run for cover, the cops prepare to figure out who the corpses are… Nora’s condition improves, slowly… Viki reels at the bomb dropped about Jessica.

Lots of truth coming out!

• Brace yourselves. Viki’s naughty alter is back, based on advanced scripts floating around on the ‘Net. Niki surfaces after all these years, probably due to daughter Jessica’s naughty alter Tess (Viki must’ve found out).

Well, Tess deserves to have a mother, doesn't she?  Enter Clint to smack these gals back into shape (figuratively speaking, of course).

GH Spoiler Commentary 

• Despite the events that had transpired in the past leading viewers to assume Lucas dug chicks, the latest series of plot turns transforms Bobbie’s and Tony’s son into a homosexual. Lucas had been keeping his homosexuality a top secret from everyone, until, one by one, his friends and family began to catch a clue. If Lucas plays his cards right, he may score an actual, reciprocal gay companion in the near-future, another young man already on the show perhaps.

No doubt that shill that has been sent in to make us think he's the drink spiking nudie photographer.  Personally, I'm voting for Jessie (as the photographer or the newest gay guy... pick one).

• One of the first people Lucas opens up to about his homosexuality, is Georgie.

I am surprised it was Georgie and not Maxie or Brook Lynn since they were the ones who he was horndogging a year ago before the new writing angle took over.

• Jesse and Maxie seek Lainey Winters’ guidance in the roofie stalker case; they’re eager to wrap this case up.

Did anyone see how fast Dr Winters got a nice, cheerleader first name?  Do I smell a contract (and not the kind that Sonny uses)?

• Brook Lynn finds herself on the unlucky, receiving end of Diego’s pent-up agitation.

A little Latin overdose?

• Jesse witnesses part of the verbal assault against Brook Lynn, springing into impulsive action, fists flying on Diego.

Excellent!  I really don't like that guy.  Actually, I don't like either of them, so if Diego gets a punch or two in, I won't cry.

• Mac takes action against Jesse for unnecessarily roughing up Diego, by pulling the hotheaded cop off the stalker case.

Beats him a little more to show him how it's done correctly?

• Jesse lets Maxie in on what he went through, with his kin, from before.

Aw, the sob story emerges.  I knew there was one.

• Diego confides in Brook Lynn, about his vendetta on behalf of the late Sage.

He's avenging Sage?  Is he going to go all Inigo Montoya on us?

• Sonny and Javier try to one-up each other in the big and bad department. Sonny’s just trying to hold his ground.

Hurray!  A pissin' contest!

• Javier lets himself be seen around Alexis. Ric sees this display in action, upset to the extreme about what it means.

Hard to pay the piper for life choices you purchase, isn't it, Ric?

• Sonny responds to Javier’s veiled threat by amping up the guard units to keep 24/7 watch on Ric, Alexis and Kristina.

Guards always dissuade the mob, right?

• Manuel Ruiz rouses from his comatose state, badder than ever. His first words are to put a hit out on Jason, Sonny and Ric.

Good ol' miracle hospital!

• Sonny prepares to handle the Ruiz infiltration, solo.

Break out the dynamite suit again!

• Uh, not so fast, Sonny, Reese won’t let the mobster face this on his own, not without her.

Like a good little mol.

• In the middle of a shoot-out between Sonny and Javier’s goons, a bullet strikes Reese down.

Quick!  Get her to the mob hospital or she'll be written off the... oh, never mind.

• Javier strikes a blow for vengeance and power, forcing Sonny to strike back.

That's a lot of striking!  I hope they have a union!

• Ric intercedes, on behalf of Sonny, in a mediating meeting with Hector, who runs the Ruiz conglomerate.

Ric is definitely doing a fine job of making himself indispensable.

• Jason and Sam try to forget their previous life in Port Charles, while hiding out in Hawaii. To little avail. Their past chases them across the continent and over the Pacific.

That does so tend to happen when you are still on contract.

• It gets very ugly, and very violent, very fast for the stalwart couple in paradise. Seems Manny Ruiz hopped a flight to Hawaii, as well, for a little torture. He observes from the sidelines, along with a horrified Sam, as his thugs put a beating on Jason. As Sam rushes toward Jason, waving her pistol, Manny steps up, aims and puts a bullet in Jason’s leg.

That should shut her up.

• Police sirens indicate the impending arrival of law and order, but not for Jason, who must put down his weapon before he can return fire on Manny.

Don't you hate when that happens?

• This violent, ugly incident convinces Jason to pack up and head back to Port Charles to finish the job for Sonny, which he does, after bidding Sam a sad, fond farewell for now. Sam lets Jason go, because – while she’s scared for him – it’s what she feels he must do.

Plus, he's taking all the shooting with him.  "Um, OK BYE!"

• Jason suddenly appears like a holy apparition before Sonny, and it’s almost like old times. Sonny is heartened to hear Jason will consider taking up his Enforcer title.

"He'll be bahck"

• Jason leaves Sam open to danger in Hawaii. With Manny released from the pen, he is now free to travel on over to Sam’s and terrorize her a little.

Well, Jason can't be everywhere now, can he?

• Ric arranges for Jason to take an appointment with Hector… only Ric starts pushing the issue and pushing people around too much for Jason’s liking. Jason then informs Sonny of Ric’s inflated sense of ego.

He didn't notice it?  It comes into the room 3 minutes before he gets there!

• Javier and Manny bicker. The bickering disintegrates into a shooting free-for-all, and one felled victim.

It's a violent month on GH, folks.

• A DVD delivery forces Jason to watch as Sam is terrorized. Jason clutches his head in agony, and books the next flight to Hawaii to retrieve his woman.

I'm glad he remembered where he left her without leaving post-its everywhere.

• Dr. Tony Jones indicates that in order to live a little longer, Jason must now take brand new meds. Failing that, undergo that surgery which could render him a cold slab, anyway.

They flew Brad Maule in for THIS?

• Over in Paris, France, Robin Scorpio does her job, as a doctor. She butts heads with another doctor, Henri. Henri does as he pleases with a patient, against her advice, and his patient flatlines.  Henri feels bad, feels remorse, and feels a compulsion to tell Robin he’s sorry, but can he take her out? She discloses to him her HIV condition.  Robin’s advanced medical work will lead her back home, to Jason. She could be his salvation.

I think I just threw up in my mouth a little.

• Emily entrusts a secret to Sonny: She still has a thing for Nikolas.

No shit, Sherlock.

• Nikolas affirms his monogamous love and devotion for and to Courtney. But cannot and will not deny he will forever care for Emily. Just not in that way anymore.

He'd better start loving Courtney "in the family way."

• Sonny confronts Courtney about her control issues, and her behavior in trying to push Nikolas and Emily back together. At that point, Courtney blurts out to her big bro that she’s in the family way.

As usually, she's telling everyone except who she should be telling. 

• Courtney fails to manipulate Emily to her way of thinking, i.e., to reunite with Nikolas (so Court won’t have to deal with the paternity thing).

That would definitely be handy for her.

• Emily eavesdrops in on Courtney and Sonny’s (presumed) private conversation about Nikolas and the “P” word.

Adoing!

• Emily presses Sonny for details about his conversation with Courtney and what she eavesdropped in on.

Um, NOT your business!

• Sonny’s opinion, shared with and by Emily, is that Courtney should give Nikolas full disclosure. Sonny’s own paternal issues are at work here, too.

Well, I'm so glad they figured all that out for Courtney.

• Courtney feels she should be the first to know who the daddy is. So, she requests a paternity test from her doctor. Her doctor cannot perform any paternity test on the unborn baby until at least three weeks have elapsed.

Well, yeah!!

• Emily takes Courtney aside, bringing up her concerns about keeping Nikolas in the dark. Their discussion grows heated.

As well it should.

• Courtney remains reluctant to let Nikolas know anything about what’s going on with her body, but Emily keeps pushing for full disclosure. Courtney’s reaction to Emily’s lecture about honesty, is to take on a defensive and accusatory tone. Courtney lays into Emily for trying to break her and Nikolas up by plotting to blab to him about this pregnancy.  Emily heads directly to Nikolas, torn about telling or not telling a secret that belongs to Courtney.

I doubt she'll be "torn" for long.  She's bursting to pop the news.

• Courtney trembles with fear and trepidation when she spies Emily and Nikolas in deep conversation.  When pushed into a corner, Courtney goes and chooses honesty as a default mechanism. She readies herself to be forthcoming with Nikolas about her miracle pregnancy. Maybe theirs.

So Emily manipulated things to the way she thought they should be.  Big surprise.

• Some nefarious, foolish soul abducts Tracy. Skye freaks. Luke pretty much shrugs. Skye stares incredulously at Luke’s callous disregard for his wife’s peril.

Do I sense a "Ransom of Red Chief" story coming?

• Lorenzo steps in to help, by donating the funds for Tracy’s release, provided Skye sleep with him once. Hey, fine by Skye.

Pfft, yeah!  Throw me into that briar patch, Brer Fox!

• Luke stares incredulously, incredulous that Skye would go along with Lorenzo’s nasty deal so easily.

Well ol' Luke needs to wake up and smell the hormones.

• Luke negates Lorenzo’s attempt to help, by preparing to help Tracy out of her abduction himself.

And I'm loving the new haircut!

• Tracy doesn’t need Lorenzo’s or Luke’s help. She can drive her abductor insane on her own, insane enough to cry, Uncle!, and set her free.

THAT's my girl!

• Tracy then turns around and has Skye abducted, so she can wrest control of ELQ from Lorenzo.

Whatever works!

• Tracy’s terms: Skye can go free, if Lorenzo gives her his stockholder’s share of ELQ, leaving her in the winner’s seat.

Is she overestimating Skye's value to Lorenzo?  Or am I underestimating it?

• Lorenzo feigns indifference about Skye’s kidnapping, and refusal to cave to Tracy’s demands in front of Luke.

Don't play poker with this guy!

• Later, Lorenzo does give and cave, to free Skye.

awwwww.  What a softie!

• As a result of his generous gesture, Skye is free to go and run to Lorenzo for his reward. Luke stands there, holding his, ahem, bruised ego, in his hands, the stunned fifth wheel.

And they are both actually named Lorenzo.  Interesting.

• Next week:  Jason sacrifices what little bit of happiness and peace he has struggled for with Sam (and Danny), to do what he senses is the right thing by Sonny and Sonny’s loved ones, which means heading back to PC and reclaiming his enforcer title… Sonny and Reese take on the Miami mob, and all other comers, which will take a lot out of them… Sonny versus the Miami mob, bring it on… Sam needs help, ASAP… Jason struggles with the unthinkable, hurry, hurry.

The unthinkable?? NOT THE REINDEER SWEATER!!

Lovin YOU!