Peter, Dahling, Where Are My SOAPS???
The Week of November 27th
Neither of my soaps aired yesterday (pout) because of a flawed American voting system, so here I sit with my thumb up, um, on my spacebar waiting for something interesting to type about and all I'm getting is a load of Peter Jennings with a lot of bureaucratic BS about chads or shads or whatever those little poked holes are called, preferring to shoot myself in the head rather than listen to one more person in a bad suit who probably smells like the lining of my grandmother's purse talk to bored people about whether or not voters x, y or z are going to be disenfranchised. To me, shads are those goofy looking little guys peeping over the brick walls that say "Kilroy was here" from some war fought before I was born or else a fish that is hard to cook where it tastes decent. Start talking to me about pregnant shads or half shads and I need to be excused because my brain is full. It all turns into Charlie Brown's teacher saying "whaaa whaaa whaa whaaa." I know I must get the same, glassy-eyed, glazed over look I get when my darling, sweet, wonderful husband begins an hour of sharing his day with me and talking MCI lingo about routing configurations and T-Birds and test kits and Cisco and any number of other things that shake my etch-a-sketch the second they hit my brain.
Since I didn't get my shows to review, I decided to make up my own recaps. (Disclaimer for those who are picnicking without a full basket: These events never happened, probably never will happen and hence, were never aired. This is all facetious and merely a product of my bored brain trying to find things to do other than pack up a four bedroom house in two days to move). Like Chris from In a Lather says, I'm "Watering plants." [Ed note: By the way, Chris, my proofreader, please let me have a "get out of jail free" card on the dialogue combined into one paragraph. I need to conserve some space on this one, so I'm taking grammatical license.] In this recap, there is actually some of that famous rewriting of history going on of which GH is so very capable, so try and follow the bouncing ball as it bounces both backward and forward.
At Kelly's, Bobbie looked in disbelief at the papers she'd been served about the unpaid property taxes on the diner. "I can't believe I didn't pay the property taxes!" she moaned to Roy. "Surely you did," Roy assured her. "There must be some mistake." (ruffle, shuffle) Bobbie looked through her meticulous records carefully. "I'm not finding any evidence that the check was ever written. Roy, what's the matter with me? I'm forgetting everything lately. I've screwed up two patient 's charts, both of which could have resulted in tragedy. I forgot I was supposed to pick up Lucas and now this!"
Roy gently took her hands in his and spoke softly. "Bobbie," he said, "I know this is hard for you, but there are some important things I want you to hear and I'm afraid no one else will love you enough to tell you." Her eyes widened even further and she swallowed heavily. "You are a 48-year-old woman. That is barely shy of half a century that you have lived. Your face may be pulled tight and seamless by a surgeon's knife, but look at these hands, sweetheart. They do not lie." Bobbie looked down at the hands that lay in his like dead, wrinkled doves. "You are very lovely, don't get me wrong. So much so, in fact, that I barely recognized you on the docks when I first saw you because you looked like a totally different person than the one whose face I memorized as she bent over me crying as I lay dying on the sidewalk twenty years ago. The surgery was a success and you are a much more beautiful woman than before. The extra large breasts are also a welcome bonus, I must confess." At this, she smiled shyly. "But a scalpel can only turn back time on the outside. Our insides cannot be fooled. You are forty-eight AND had an early hysterectomy because of DL's beating, so you must consider two very strong possibilities. One is that you may have Alzheimer's Disease, but the more likely is that you are peri-menopausal and the ovaries that were probably left behind for their hormonal value are dried up like California raisins and the lack of go-juice being produced by them is screwing with your head." He sighed deeply. "The next part is going to be even harder, because I have to tell you that the people in town are talking about the way you dress. Tammy dressed better than you when she was a hooker and you are simply going to have to stop shopping at Retail Slut for your clothes. I have called up Rae Cummings who will be here tomorrow to outfit you for a new wardrobe more becoming to your age. Do not resist this process. This is being fully funded by your new son-in-law, Sonny." Bobbie looked over Roy's shoulder to see Sonny leaning against the door jam of Kelly's. When he caught her eye, he nodded solemnly. "Sonn-neeee," she said, looking at him imploringly. "I dunno, Bobbie," he said. "You just, I dunno, hurt my eyes or somethin'." Bobbie toyed with this for a moment or two, but Roy read her mind. "Baby, I love the way you dress, myself and I want you to keep all of your old clothes two wear when we are alone. I just can't let you embarrass yourself and me in public any more. Now I have to go take some percocet because, let's face it, I'm fifty-one myself and all this talking is giving me a headache, not to mention that I still have to give a similar speech to Monica, excepting the stuff about the makeover." Roy kissed her soundly and turned to leave. "But Royeeee," she said, bouncing over to him, "When will you be back?" "Soon, Baby," he said, grabbing her butt with both hands. "In the meantime, why don't you make an appointment with one of the nice doctors where you work and we'll get you some medication to cure what ails ya."
Alexis' jaw dropped as she opened the package containing the teddy and the flashbulbs began popping. Carly covered her face and the rest of the people in the room hooted like feeding time in a pet shop. "That's IT!" Alexis stormed. She picked up the Herald reporter by the collar and ushered him to the door. "Print THIS!" she seethed. "Eddie's Angel has HAD it! Eddie's Angel turns into Eddie's Demon and calls off the wedding! There IS no wedding. There IS no engagement and there IS no reason for you to still be here. Johnny!!!" "Yes, Ms Davis?" "Johnny, escort this man out and if you let even one more reporter onto the floor of this building, you'll sleep with the fishes, got it?" "Got it, let's go, buddy." Alexis, raged back into Sonny's penthouse, grabbed one of the toaster shaped packaged and jammed into her penthouse. She wept like a motherless child until her eyes were swollen and her ears were ringing so badly she didn't hear Ned come in. "Did you mean it?" he asked. "Is the wedding off?" She wiped her eyes and asked, "How did you know so fast?" To answer, he opened the latest edition of the Herald he'd folded under his arm. A photo of Alexis with her fist raised over her head and the headline reading, "The Halo Slips" burned her retinas. "This just happened thirty-five minutes ago," she said incredulously. "It's been on the news stands for thirty-four minutes," he said, shaking his head. "They're good. So is it true? Are we over?" "WE aren't over," she answered. Just the wedding. It's just not fun any more. Have some popcorn and toast." She passed him the bowl. "You mean I don't have to have AJ for a groomsman any more?" he asked. "Nope." "Or wear a monkey suit or humor Grandfather or move into the corner penthouse of mob central?" "Um, nope, nope and nope." "I love you, wanna get married?" "Nope, now kiss me." He did. "So what do we do about the media? "CALS," she replied. "Cows?" he asked. "No," she said around a mouthful of popcorn. "CALS: Class Action Law Suit. I'm a high powered attorney, you're rich, they HAVE to leave us alone." "Nice," he smiled. "I love you."
"Did you get the fire put out?" Felicia asked. "I did," Luke smiled, "at least the fire in the kitchen. The one in my pants is still raging." Felicia smiled coyly. "I have to go. Maxie needs help with her math. You do know she has a crush on Lucky, right?" "That is because she shares the extraordinary good taste of her mother, Doll. So tell me, are you ready to come to Switzerland with me and fix this unpleasantness about the Princess, princess?" Felicia giggled. "You want Orphie and Hiram back in action again?" "Was there ever any question?" Luke grinned. Flea smiled excitedly. "I'll go pack right away. I'm sure Mac can help Maxie with her math. He's much more analytical than I am. I'll be back in. . ." her eyes clouded for a moment and her jaw dropped slightly. Suddenly, a clarity came into her face that hadn't been seen in years. "Wait," she said. "No, no, NO! This is all wrong. What was I THINKING? They were RIGHT!! I was a terrible mother to get so wrapped up in your crap to the point that I ignored my family for a year." "So when will you be back?" "What kind of friend are you that you would ask me to do this after all I lost over your crap? Don't you care about anyone but yourself?" "How about three? We can lay low in a hotel room until dark, then fly out on the red eye to Europe." Her eyes narrowed and her nose wrinkled. "Go to hell, Luke. I'm going to go get Mac back." Felicia stormed out the door, leaving Luke looking forlorn. "Damn," he lamented. "Time to court Angel."
"You know my terms," Sonny said to Laura. "I know," she answered. "I'm game. Why not give it a try? But the money has to be clean and totally trackable to legitimate sources." "Done. I'll tell Carly tonight." "Wonderful," Laura smiled and they shook on the deal. "I'll have my lawyers send the papers to Baldwin then and the two of you can look them over." "Perfect," Laura replied. Laura walked the docks, smiling warmly at the thought of being financially solvent and having a business to pass on to LuLu. Scott came up behind her and put his hands over her eyes. "Guess who?" he said, not so mysteriously. She pulled his hands away. "I have good news and bad news," she said. "Good news, I have the money. Bad news, it's from Sonny." Scott frowned. "Legitimate sources?" "Absolutely," she assured him. "Dinner to celebrate?" he asked hopefully? "It's only two in the afternoon!" she said. "I'm sure it's dinner time somewhere and I haven't eaten since our lunch at the Grill yesterday, so dinner time it is." "Let's go," she said, hurriedly. "The Grill has the best bar in town." Later, they lingered over dessert and talked about old times. Laura felt a warmth in her heart from the nostalgia and in her belly from the scotch. "So what do you think took you toward the bad boys?" Scott asked. "I was always such a white bread good guy, but you were completely captivated by Luke." "I was young, Scott," Laura said, shaking her head. "I had never done anything or seen anything and his world of danger intrigued me." "I guess killing that old guy wasn't enough excitement?" Scott wondered. Laura batted him playfully with her linen napkin. "You would bring THAT up, wouldn't you?" She looked faraway into the past. "Remember when I bought the law books for you?" He smiled warmly. "Yes a do. Stefan was bad guy too, you know," he pointed out. "Oh, the worst," Laura agreed and motioned the waiter to bring another drink. "He was dark and sinister, but familiar, you know? So yes, that's two bad guys in a row, I suppose." She popped the maraschino cherry from her new drink into her mouth. "Well," he said, "I'm a bad guy now too. Just ask anyone." Laura looked him up and down as though seeing him for the first time, then spit the cherry stem out of her mouth and onto the top of his untouched cheesecake, tied neatly into a bow tie. "So you are," she smiled seductively. "I have a room," he said slowly. "Careful," she said, "If I were Felicia, that's all the encouragement I'd need." Scott laughed, "If you were Felicia, I wouldn't offer." "CHECK!" they both said together. As they laughed their way out of the Grill, already doing it in their minds, both were surprised to see Luke come running in. "Angel," he said breathlessly, "It's our nineteenth wedding anniversary. We have to show a montage!" "Roll the montage," Laura yelled. We were treated to a montage of Luke leaving again, and again, and again, of Laura having to shoot a hit man in her home because of Luke's mob ties, of Luke forcing Laura to choose between her son and her family, of Luke and Flea hurrying half dressed out of the office, of Flea's tearful confession at the murder trial and finally, of Luke forcing himself upon Laura on the dance floor of the Campus Disco while she pleaded with him, "No, no, no. . ." Luke looked at Scott and Laura, ashen-faced, as they glared at him. "Angel," he said, "the nation of GH fans wants us back together. We can't let them down." Laura looked back and forth between Scott and Luke and then grabbed a bouquet of silk flowers from a vase behind her on a table. She tossed them to Luke and he caught them in an eerie replay of Scott catching the bouquet at their wedding. "Welcome to the Land of No Redemption, Luke," she said grimly. "You've crossed the line so far they don't even WANT us together any more. C'mon, Scott." "Happy Anniversary!" Scott called over his shoulder, then he put his tongue in Laura's ear as the walked away. Her laughter filled the building.
"Daddy?" Elizabeth said into the phone at Kelly's her eyes wide. "Is it really you?" Emily began to chatter about Zander, but Elizabeth waved her quiet. "You want. . .? OK, I'll be right there." Slowly, she put the receiver back in the cradle and looked pensive. "I have to go to Kenya," she said. "My dad and mom want me back." "You have parents?" Emily asked. "Parents are just the worst, the VERY worst. You should be glad you don't have parents. I have parents and they won't let me see Zander. First it was Juan, then Zander. They won't ever let me see the boys I love. Wait, did I say love? Do I love Zander? I think I love Zander? Mrs Emily Zander. I like it. Did you know that Zander. . ." "Shut up, Emily," Elizabeth said. "Just shut up." She pulled a pack from under the counter and headed for the door, just as Lucky was coming in. "Going somewhere?" he asked. "My dad and mom want me back now. I'm on my way to Kenya. Want to come?" Lucky looked vacantly into space for a moment. "Yes," he said, "I'd like to come." "GREAT," Elizabeth enthused. "We can ride elephants and eat beetles and wear strange clothes." "Yes," he said, "I'd like to come." Together, they blew out of Kelly's.
Across town, another phone call was changing lives. "I'd like to speak to Dr Rick Webber, please," Lesley said nervously. "What do you mean there's no doctor there? Is there anyone there named Webber? Riche? Riche the Bartender? Does he have an adopted son named Mike? Mmm hmmm, the bouncer, hmm? No, no message. I don't have very good luck with people named Riche. Oh, RICHIE, I'm sorry, I thought you said 'Riche'. Yes, please tell him Lesley called, she's not dead any more and she wants all of her things back, including her husband, the doctor. Thank you, Bambi, you're a dear girl."
Next on GH:
Sonny catches Elizabeth as she leaves town and tells her that when she insults his wife, she insults him and friend or no friend, she'll pay the consequence if she ever again trashes out Carly, especially in his OWN HOME.
Mike is STILL hiding out on Cortland Street, but no one cares because he doesn't have very good luck with people named Riche either.
Elton the wedding planner has a date with Sonny's bodyguard who is NOT Johnny or Francis.
Juan joins Miguel on an L&B tour indefinitely and the town rejoices.
Leaving fantasyland, even when it does air, I’m bored to death
with General Hospital right now. Trying
to get enthusiastic, for you guys if nothing else, but I swear to God, if I
recorded rather than watching live and didn’t have to watch, I’d be wearing
out my fast forward button. There
were but a few noteworthy items I’d like to mention.
1).
I was creeped out a bit by the Thanksgiving at Bobbie’s.
Mainly, because (rotten tomatoes at the ready) . . .go with me on this
because I’m very uncomfortable even bringing it up (which has never stopped me
for long in the past) and I know it’s weirdness, but it’s what I feel:
Mac and Maxie just seemed, well, strange together today.
Story-wise, I’m glad the girls have a surrogate dad since Frisco is
such a waste-case, loser, deadbeat piece of sh!t father.
He’s basically reduced himself to the role of sperm donor.
They need a good male role model or else they are going to spend the next
50 years or so looking for men who are unavailable in one way or another or else
ones who are destined to leave, just like dear old dad.
I’m glad Mac, the ex-mercenary, hard-core adventure seeker has wrapped
his life around these little girls and let them into the soft place in his heart
that Robin created. I know pre-teen
girls and teenagers are and should be cuddly with Dad and I hope that my
daughter is with HER dad. It’s
not really anything I can put my finger on, it was just, well, odd.
Maybe Robyn Richards has a crush on John J. York and I, the
self-proclaimed energy monitor and labeler extraordinaire have picked up on it.
Just chalk this up my miscellaneous ramblings.
[DISCLAIMER:
I am in no way suggesting that anything at all untoward is afoot in any
way, shape or form either on or off screen.
It is simply a feeling I got while watching and decided to mention before
I exploded from holding it in.]
Sonny was sweet with
Carly and Michael today, but have we simply turned off our red-hot monkey sex
button now that we are married or what?
THANK GOD
they finally let AJ so something decent with no hidden agenda for a change.
I thought I’d fall off my chair when everyone in the family actually
smiled at him and implied a pat on the back.
I want to be
Lila when I’m very old, but I’d really like to walk. Never has such an iron fist been housed in so soft of a
velvet glove.
Reginald was
adorable. I loved how he just
pulled up his chair to the family Thanksgiving table like any other butler in
any other rich family would do. Shouldn’t
Latecia have been with him, though? I
thought we were actually going to be able to see some of that romance, but
evidently it has been moved to off screen.
What a pity.
This whole
Luke Is Darius Cassadine farce is going, um, where?
Can’t wait for The Bat to fly back into Port Charles and turn that town on its ear!
Can you
believe it?
The Week of November 20th
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I missed the kiss!!! Had to go potty, couldn't wait and low and behold! When I got back it was done. Rats. Although Amber Tamblyn's performance has been sterling, I have to say that snotty little Miss Emily has really gotten on my nerves in the last week or so. While I can fully advocate her campaign to make certain that Zander has the best representation against the murder charges, I can't really see being nasty to friends and family who are worried about her. Of she could look at the circumstances with anything close to an objective eye, she'd understand that a drug dealer with a heart of gold is still a drug dealer, still spiked girls' drinks at raves, still was Sorel's flunky and still pulled a gun on her and dragged her away, causing her and her family a great deal of anguish. WHAT a crack-up! A netpal who started watching GH when Sonny dumped Brenda at the altar was reading over last week's Best of the Journal where I was discussing what was happening five years ago. Someone, I line of text was deleted and the comment was: "We got to hear Mary Mae croon from time to time and Jason, the old Jason, not the new one, made love to her in Paris or some foreign country. Who was watching the geography with naked Jason under the covers?" The line was *supposed to read, ". . .time to time, her granddaughter, Keesha was still in town and Jason, the old Jason. . ." and the omission made it sound as if Jason was getting busy with Mary Mae in Paris or wherever. Although I am quite certain Mary Mae would give a considerable rocking to young Jason's world, it was indeed Keesha and Jason swapping virginities in that faraway city. MY mistake. Back to the show. Is it possible that Carly might actually acquire *gasp* a FRIEND? Looks like Laura might be willing to give her a chance. What a score to land a friend in one of the more respected people of Port Charles. It makes sense. Laura could definitely get into Carly's rhythms because they are so similar to Luke's: do what you think you have to and pick up the pieces later. Both are dedicated mothers and are used to working on the wrong side of the law in a pinch. Both have been in loveless marriages to rich men while they secretly pined for their true love. Both were separated from their natural mothers at birth and grew up as very rebellious teens. Laura's friendships have not been particularly plentiful lately. Scott is about the only person in town who could truly wear that mantle. She is close to Bobbie, but I get the impression it's more of a family acquaintance since the two have never really gotten along. They've worked to tolerate one another for so long that I don't think they know how to not get along any more. I would not call their relationship one of "girlfriends" however. I would say the same about Amy. She and Roy have a great relationship based on old ties and mutual respect, but again, not really buds. Laura needs a friend and so does Carly, so I have big hopes for this alliance. I do NOT have good feelings about the imminent Nexis Nups. My instinct is that if a wedding/marriage is causing as much anxiety as it is for Alexis, then something is a miss and the advice is don't do it. The jitters were really cute for a while, but now it seems like it's worked its way into a full blown psychosis, to the point that I'm having to remind myself why they are getting married in the first place. The place to live is an issue. The place to get married was a bone of contention. They both have attendants they don't particularly want. Alexis was in agony trying on dresses, which is the highlight for most brides. I say either go to Reno or sh!tcan the whole idea and stay engaged forever. Nothing is worth this much angst. Sure, the Eddie's Angel thing is going on, but the media is fickle and if Eddie stopped touring for a few months and there was nothing interesting to see, the whole thing would blow over like pet rocks, the dancing baby and day-glo. But that's real world, which isn't nearly as interesting as the whole internet world being riveted by a single picture of a middle-aged, very attractive woman in a teddy. OK, it's official. Mac is a psycho. He's going to Thanksgiving Dinner at Bobbie's with Felicia, the gurrrllls and LUKE? He's a nice, mature adult with Felicia to discuss Maxie's crush and suddenly all animosity is just gone *poof*? They are sweet and cuddly and he doesn't even care that she's laying on Luke's bar 24/7 again? Nah, if all goes well, we have a nifty Tony Jones Syndrome in the making. The second Mac shaves his head, I'm getting my popcorn (and a catheter to make sure I don't miss anything this time), pulling the ottoman up to the TV and kickin' back for some action. Mike. Zzzzzzzz. Ron Hale is a great actor, but with the exclusion of the slap scene (and don't get me started on that one), these writers do NOT know how to write for him or his character. This whole skulking in the shadows and pleading with Carly to keep his secret then begging her for money isn't good soap stuff. We need to SEE the actual destruction of Mike, like we did with Alan. If it happens off screen, we need for him to be more trashed out and nasty looking than he is. When Carly (or was it Tammy) was talking about how terrible he looked, I couldn't really tell a difference! It was like when Bobbie put on her Candy clothes. She still looked the same to me. If he was missing for a couple of months and the first time we saw him, he had a full beard, weeks of old man dirt on him and was eating beans out of a can and wearing newspapers on his feet, THAT would be entertainment. I must confess. I've gotten really
miffed at people before for any number of things, but forgetting to tell
me they had a million dollars isn't up there in the top ten. I thought it
was really cute the way Gia stayed on to protect Nikolas from "Granny
the Psycho" (If ONLY Helena could here her new moniker - heh, heh,
heh). Although neither one is in threat of carting home a Daytime Emmy
anywhere soon, I do like these two together and I'm hopeful that it
continues to be a hit. |
| I've been searching for the
good things to talk about on GH, but so much of what is going on reflects
the lame duck syndrome between head writers. Things are definitely lagging
until the new people find their feet and figure out what they are going to
offer us. Little Lost Michael wasn't particularly interesting, but acted as a means to bond Carly and Laura together. I'm glad Carly decided to come clean with Sonny and I imagine her weird reaction of begging Laura not to tell him was born of her recent panic attack over Michael being missing. It would be such a hoot if they went the Alzheimer's route with Bobbie's character, although I can't imagine them getting into anything that good. Maybe she has a brain tumor (It is not a toomah - Maybe a brain cloud like in Joe Versus the Volcano. The movie lines are flowing like fine wine) or is perimenopausal or something. Unless the election coverage wiped out something for me, we seem to have dropped the ball on Monica's missed period. In fact, there are more balls dropping on the show than in the Dallas Cowboys locker room (oh, come on, I was talking about the footballs). What happened to Lucky's room that he bartered computer services to get? Wasn't Emily curfewed or something for getting herself kidnapped? Since when does Sonny kowtow to Sorel? He was putting up a big bluster, but it looked to me like he was more than a little worried that Sorel was going to bust a move on him. If Sorel is such a threat and is causing so many problems for everyone Sonny loves, why hasn't Sonny the great crime lord just popped him? Where is Mac's brain going off on Emily as though she is the criminal and not even so much as glancing Sorel's way when quite a few people are pointing at Sorel, blowing whistles and waving flags. Why is it so hard for Mac to believe that Sorel is behind all of this? I'd LOVE it if it came out that Mac has been paid off by Sorel and after all this time is really a dirty cop. I'm sure he'd be thrilled to have anything happen that didn't involve him grinding his teeth at Felicia or helping Maxie with her math. A real story for Mac would be wonderful. I wanted to pull a bead on Hannah myself today. The football team story is just annoying to me and I would like to get into some meat on this story. It would be awesome of AJ took on a darker, more sinister stalking and Hannah kept blowing it off until things got really Ryan Chamberlain-type weird. I thought it was great today when Roy so cooly said, "Aren't you?" when she insisted she was not leading AJ on. Good move, dad. It's gotta get better! Until it reaches the bottom of the well, you just don't know how deep a show is. |
| Zzzzzzzzz Good lines, especially the Cruella line. But good lines a soap no not make. I'm bored out of my gourd with what's happening on GH and pray it gets better soon. The most fun in a while was when Sonny's bodyguard was feeling up Elton. I promise to come up with something interesting to say soon, but for the moment, when I watch GH, it's as though the artist is painting the canvas with disappearing paint: a picture starts to form, but then it fades away. Hang in there everyone. These lulls are always temporary. We'll be swinging into action again soon.  |
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