KATRINA’S INSTRUCTIONS FOR HAPPY 
LIVING, PORT CHARLES STYLE

Welcome.  Please pull out your text.  We will now read from the books of Intelligence, chapter 3, verses 14-45.  

Intelligence 3:14-45: And the wise one spoke to the masses that gathered in the hills to hear her wisdom and her words were hailed as the enlightenment of the ages. For as much as the people were fictional, they were also thirsty for guidance and knew not how to extricate themselves from the hell of their own devices and vices. All fell hush and the words of wisdom from their font of knowledge poured over them and they absorbed the full impact and implications of her words. She spake unto them saying:

Thank you, my children, for coming here today to sit at my feet and absorb my wisdom into your minds and your lives. Even though you are fictional, you are still my loved ones and though the words I say unto you may sting your ears and even your very heart, still must you take them into your mind and activate them in your life to achieve a state of bliss and oneness with the divine. Here as I speak to each of you with the softness of a gentle rain or the fierceness of a dread typhoon, depending on the openness of your mind and the level of your IQ. Open ye your hearts and minds to accept the word of enlightenment.

My blessed Luke, upon I have smiled favorably in earlier times when your tongue was quick and your motivations clear. Surely you must see that prayer is often answered in ways we do not expect and often resist. Take Scott into your confidence and make your enemy your ally. Partake of his legal wisdom and use his expertise to your own advantage rather than pushing him away. Certainly, the doors before you are few and many lead to the lion rather than the beautiful lady. Your wily wisdom like that of the coyote has not failed you before and will not fail you now. See that the things you despise about your adversary are those things you admire most in yourself and through that knowledge will you be made whole and find your way to salvation and not imprisonment. Remember ye well that Port Charles is the city of everlasting life and that verily, people return from the dead when there are bodies, so surely there is hope for one who has not been found dead to rise from the grave and grant your freedom! All around, it is your enemy upon whom you must depend to save you: Scott to defend you, Bat to free you. YOUR LESSON is to learn the freedom of releasing the pre-judgments of a person to the negative and allowing them to help you in spite of themselves. The door that reaches the beautiful lady will glow, and verily, she will return in time for the trial and be made ready for your sweet lovin’s forever more. Partake of her bounty and let your mind not be cast down into the pit of the vile fleas and flukes. Come into the light and return to the sanctity of marriage or be ye lost forever in the pit of old man hell.

Beautiful Felicia. I call out to invoke the energy of your single brain cell and beseech you to focus on what I am saying. Most assuredly, the truth shall set Luke free, but shall imprison you in bad storylines forever more! As your turbines whine into full motion and your spark of intelligence flickers briefly in your eyes, consider the way the willow bends in the wind and bend your story thusly. As you swear your honor to a court of law, do so with the intent to provide alibi to Luke without bringing destruction to your house! Speak words of the truth in telling all that you were indeed with Luke and verily, he did not slay Stefan. Certainly, there is no need to yammer endlessly about WHAT you were doing; simply that you were with him and know of his actions. It would be in keeping of the truth to inform the court that your husband, in his anger, had just presented you with documents to sever your ties to both him and your children and in your pain, you sought to destroy him in front of his minions. As Luke intercepted you, he took you away to a quiet place to regain your strength and wisdom and determine to not be vanquished by the consequences of your actions. There is no need to blather about having lain with Luke in a carnal way or describe how you rolled off the bed, onto the floors and up the walls in your passion. Simplicity is a virtue and to omit such talk would set you free and endear you to the world. Even Mac the Just must understand that even if you DID lay with Luke on that day, you were under no obligation of chastity to him for he had served your divorce papers and cast you aside! Look down your crinkled nose disparagingly at Mac the Just and explain to him that while you love him now and your devotion knows no bounds, your actions on the day of Bat’s “death” were not unwarranted or immoral, except by the binds of the law, rather than the heart. He had set you free and pushed you away, therefore, loses he the right to bitch about your playmates. YOUR LESSON: Discretion within the bounds of necessity is required of you. Tell no more than you must, but if you must reveal the unsavory, make it someone else’s due (due due?).

MAC: My sweet, just and vindictive child. Cleave yourself unto your wife and find forgiveness in your heart for both her year of madness and her squeaky voice that was once so endearing to you! Remember that Luke Spencer is not a stupid man and would never kill a person, hide the poison in his safe so obviously, then bail town, for he is much wiser and craftier than that! Inhale the scent of a set up and feel the frame that has descended around thy enemy! Call also to your mind the venom in your voice when you brought Felicia the divorce papers and set forth to cast her away, both from yourself and her children! Know ye the law that states that once you have surrendered unto your spouse the papers of divorce, your claim to the parking of their privates doth expire! Surely, you have no cause to go nuclear should the pronouncement of their dalliance come forth from the witness stand! For even you have said, “What happens with Luke today has nothing to do with us!” Premising that time is a man-made mythology, consider that we stand in the present with the past and future occurring simultaneous with our impression of Now. If, then, what happens with Luke today has nothing to do with us, similarly, what happens with Luke yesterday or the day Bat was killed, also does not. LESSON: Forgive thy wife. See the love that shines in her eyes for only you and move your family forward. into the future, which will still have nothing to do with Luke Spencer.

SCOTT: Thou name art god and I sing my praises and psalms to thee! Long have my eyes pained for the sight of you and they weep with joy for the relief that comes! Surely you may remove the visage of Roy from my mind and bring a new warmth to my loins and quickening to my heart! I worship at thy altar and prostrate myself to thee in the ecstasy of your presence! It matters not that I am advanced in years and remember when you lived with your crazy mother Meg and kindly stepfather Lee, being shipped off to camp in every season. It matters not that thou were such a mensch through the Laura years and only found thy greatness as cynicism and worldliness took hold! We revel in your presence and wish it to stay since our cable provider does not bring forth Port Charles for our viewing pleasure! LESSON: Get thee hence to the Kind Arthur Room at Ray's Theme's Like Old Times Motel.  Bringeth ye a lemon, a pair of leotards, 14 maraschino cherries, lavender massage oil, body paints, lots of liquor and a pair of police-issue handcuffs.  Be prompt. 

BOBBIE: Harlot!! Haranguer!! Even your daughter spake unto thee this week and said, “Would you hold off with the advice for, like, half a second please?” Look only to your own wretched life and see that you are not in a position to tell your dog which leg to lift to go pee pee, much less to tell someone how to run their life! Return thee to thy place of healing and assist with the physical healing of people, leaving the emotional and mental repair to Kevin Collins! Dress thyself as the fifty-something crone thou art and not the hooker thou hast been! For despite the Lessons of Mac that say time occurs simultaneously, age does not and yours shows most gruesomely when you dress like a hussy. LESSON: Know thy age, Mind thy business, Go to work.

ROY: Remove thy face from the cleavage of thy skankmonkey and raise thy eyes to the sky! Feel the enlightenment flow over your soul that if you had a woman of much flesh on her body, she would be fluffy, comfy, cuddly and not have sharp, protruding bones to slice and dice your tender flesh. Lo! It would be as though making love to an overstuffed, wonderfully snuggly couch! Explore the joys of the full figured woman and never again look to the BOAS for lovin’s. Beseech of St Nikolas to gift you with a thesaurus for the celebration of the day of your birth and learn ye well! For it is said that a man who is blessed with broad shoulders and a tiny vocabulary is as the giant oak with no roots. Spend thy time with Luke and not Bobbie, for we liketh you better in his company when your vocabulary and intelligence grows exponentially! LESSON: Fat women comfy. Men who are both wide of shoulder girth and monosyllabic often are perceived as toopid.

LAURA: Make haste! Return thyself to the embrace of your ex! Appease the masses and blend your yin to his yang! Kick off thy earth shoes and perch upon the lofty and point high heels of the femme fatale and bring thy man back to thee! He perishes now in the valley of the shadow of loneliness and despair and you love will set him free! Note ye that I have not identified which of your ex’s to lay to waste with your wiles, for it matters not! Lo, they are both worthy of your attention and should one act the fool, simply turn thy attention to the other and thou art doubly blessed! YOUR LESSON: Never look a gift ex in the mouth. Cut your losses with the past and make a future with one of these kick ass guys.

CARLY: My child, your karmic lessons have been beaten into you with a brickbat this year and my guidance to you is minimal see’uns as how you have already learned so much. Your wisdom streamed forth like milk from a cow’s teat this week when you said, “Tonight I realized that I have been pushing Sonny to react the way that I would. And Sonny's just never going to do that. So I thought that maybe what I need to do is just back off a little bit and let Sonny react the way that he wants to.” Nooooow you’re getting it! YOUR LESSON: Think, project, engage; not engage, retreat, repair. LESSON: While it is better to rule in hell than serve in heaven, one must ensure that rulership is indeed an option before vacationing in warmer climates.

SONNY: You have said, “What Carly and I have is not love,” but I ask of you, compared to what? Your perception of what love is has not been kind to you, so I offer you the thought that perhaps what you know as love is actually tragedy! What example of love did you have as a child to define its very boundaries for you. Ahh. I thought so. Brenda with her whiney ways, Lily who was a master manipulator and beseeched of her daddy to purchase you like chattel and Hannah the legal beagle were what you perceived as love, yet your life fell to shambles in their wake, despite their cool exterior! Look ye then to the opposite and cleave to the one who’s life is already a shambles and there, perhaps, you will find the real essence of love. LESSON: “My oh My you’re just the boy too shy, you’ve got to kiss de girl.”

HANNAH: Foole! Imbecile! Follow ye not after the drunkard who falls into the cups each night and feels the boogedies crawl upon his flesh in their absence! Look ye to the dark knight whose patience with ye knows no bounds in human existence. Cast back your mind to the conversation you last had with him when he told you to choose. Have you done so with your actions instead of your words? Stroke ye not the hair of a man whom you only call friend, for such is the way to destruction, chaos and madness. Flee to the arms of he who is shiny of pate and broad of muscle, leaving the small one to pickle in his own juice and be healed by his family! Seek ye the book of knowledge and learn the definition both of “friend” and “stooge” and carefully consider on which to hang your hat. LESSON: Take your leave once the chariot of healing hath dispatched the drunkard and use a remote communication system such as the PHONE to see if he perished or survived!!

TAGGERT: Great dark spirit who moves catlike through the night and rights the wrongs done to mankind, take pity upon those who seek your help! Both the imbecilic faux Brenda who seeks your hot monkey lovin’s yet stalks the town drunk, as well as the sister who seeks your praise while incurring your wrath! Access the gentle nature that somehow grew within you in the past few months and give of your patience to these dingbats. Show little Gina that she has worth without hiding behind false pretenses and contrived stories. Point Hannah gently in the direction of the door and pat her shapely little fanny on the way out, advising her to return should she decide to cut off the drunk! Worry ye not about the availability of nookie, for it is all around and nothing shall be denied to a handsome chap like yourself! LESSON: Open your heart and do what you know you must do. If you love her, let her go. If she comes back to you, she’s yours! If she doesn’t, hunt her down and arrest her on trumped up charges.

STEFAN: Look to the cutesy charm of your captive and allow yourself to become awash in a sea of giggles as she charms you out of your basket and up into a little dance. But be mindful of your secret and know that you can pull this off without losing face. No one need know that you were never Helena’s captive and that you, in fact, are her prisoner. Smile amusedly at her perk and learn to love her optimistic ways. The light of her and the darkness that is you will meld together into a perfectly whole yin and yang, dazzling for all to behold. Bemusement is your if you allow yourself to love this minx and you will know the freedom and bliss of loving someone who is not a Laura or Helena wannabe. LESSON: Mouth shut, play your cards well, leave with the kitty while you’re ahead.

CHLOE: Open your eyes to see that your playboy daddy has left you drawn to men who obsess over women no longer in their lives. Their emotional absenteeism mirrors the absence of your father and join us in raising our voices in fervent prayer that we NOT learn Stefan was that self-same father, a thought disturbing to the point of being just plain icky. Nay, let Stefan be the handsome captor who steals your heart away as you focus on Helena, your common enemy, and forget about Jax, who spaced out and wandered off to find Brenda. You will brighten the halls of Wyndemere and systematically begin scrubbing clean the Cassadine dark quarters, figuratively and literally. Thy fashion flair and whimsical nature will breathe life into the mansion and verily, I say, Chloe Cassadine just has a, well, cute ring to it. Ne’er you mind the fears of thy friends, Alexis and Ned, for surely they do not understand and their fearfulness will poison your love. Be the stronger of the two and allow Stefan to collapse into you, rather than the other way around. LESSON: Charm, disarm and alarm him until he is YOURS for he does look great in a bathing suit.

ALEXIS AND NED: Stop screwing around and get married already.

Lastly (The wise one does not address issues of the teen set, for they are foolish beyond all lessons. Their wisdom must come via their own life lessons and not through simply being “given” the answers. All mentioned here are far too old to waste time trying to learn these things themselves while the younger set has their whole lives laid out before them), there was a gushing font of truth laid bare by several of the characters this week and as they stand in their own real truth, I share their wisdom with you:

FORESIGHT:

ZANDER: Hey, if we get caught, you go home. I get the death penalty.

JUAN CLARITY:

ZANDER [to Emily about Juan]: You see, the guy's a jerk.

ZANDER: Or maybe Juan's too stupid to see how special you really are.

GIA [about Juan]: What does that girl see in him?
NIKOLAS: Beats me.

QUARTERMAINE TRUTHS

MONICA [to Audrey]: Well, this is the second child that has been in desperate trouble and couldn't come to me for help. There is a message there some place.

ALAN [to Edward about AJ]: Alcohol didn't poison him. This family did.

QUICK THINKING:

NIKOLAS [to Gia]: And since when are you the voice of reason?

AHA! SHE GETS IT!

MAC: I'm not asking for promises.

Felicia: Why would you? I keep breaking them.

See ya next week!!