Well, November Sweeps, or Nodoff Sweeps as I’ve been referring to them, are over.  Nothing happened.  Not a marriage, divorce, murder, attempted murder, shooting, affair, drugging, birth, death or resurrection.  I’m quite aware that Bobby doesn’t “do” sweeps as as I mentioned on the message board last week; however, did anything happen in Nodoff that is worth remembering?  There were a few sentimental moments that I enjoyed but in the larger scheme of things the entire month could have been skipped.  When you compare the big events that occurred in Pine Valley, Llanview and the flip-side of Port Charles it comes as no surprise that the GH ratings in household numbers fell by .6 and the all-important demographic ratings fell by an entire point compared to last year’s November numbers. 

I did not even enjoy the Nexis nuptial preparations.  Elton, the wedding planner from hell, is merely an unamusing, annoyingly bad imitation of Martin Short’s “Franc” from the Steve Martin version of Father of the Bride.  Alexis’ wedding shower was a ploy by the writers to fabricate sympathy for the golden child, Carly, rather than Alexis’ moment to shine.  Don’t buy into that manipulation people, it was so transparent.  Everything on GH has suddenly become integrated but it’s S&C that have been integrated into every other story, no matter how lame the premise.  Suddenly Sonny is talking to Zander and I’m failing to see what difference it makes to the local godfather whether this kid lives or dies, but then I remember that he’s the gummiebear mobster.  He doesn’t really do anything illegal and is just a Robin Hood in pinstripes....I keep forgetting that.  Carly is now working with Laura at Deception which was purchased with funds loaned to Laura by Sonny, a man she labeled as a murderer last year.  Many (many, many) people have tried to explain how working with Carly and Sonny is better than having Edward own part of the company.  I still don’t see it as anything other than more blatant manipulation on the part of the writers to have Carly and/or Sonny front and center in every story currently in a holding pattern over GH right now.  Carly is suddenly the Best Woman to Alexis.  This is the same person that Alexis called a “gold-digging psychotic” (a speech that I’ve watched at least ten times because it gives me chills it’s so entertaining) and threatened to have returned to Ferncliff.  

The search for the perfect wedding dress was amusing.  I absolutely adored the last dress that Alexis tried and I am still ticked off that the press was allowed to see it.  I’m afraid of what sort of froo-froo-botanical-Chloe-concoction that she will end up in at the wedding (if there is a wedding).  

Who was that guy impersonating MyNed (and looking mighty cuddly) when Edward showed up with the prenuptial agreement? MyNed, the corporate shark and sharp-tongued millionaire mogul by day, sexy rock star by night? PodNed was waxing poetic about forever, the beauty of love and no need for a pre-nup.   MyNed may seem very tough on the outside, but the man has the heart of a true romantic and he is practical. He should have wanted the pre-nup to protect Alexis in the event that they would ever get divorced. His grandfather would see to it that Alexis wouldn’t get a nickel (not that she’d want or need it) but Ned would want her to be protected. Also, he would have realized that the Cassadines could make it very difficult for Ned to come out of this marriage unscathed. I’m sure he has a trust fund set up for Bratlynn and that L&B probably has some sort of paperwork giving the company to her with Ned managing it, however, lawyers can turn paperwork upside down in minutes. He should have wanted the pre-nup to protect the women that he loves from his family and hers. 

From Alexis’ point of view the prenuptial agreement was a grand idea and I commend her for it but was it really necessary to hurt Ned in the process?  First, she's putting her client BEFORE her soon-to-be husband.   Hearings can be rescheduled at the drop of a hat! She could have even moved it UP to oh, I don't know, BEFORE the wedding.  Why she’d rather spend 15 minutes in court defending a kidnapping drug dealer (who has no shot at bail!) than a week ALONE with MyNed in some "idyllic setting" complete escapes me. He was crushed by all that she did that day and he still gave in. All he was asking for was a little compromise, a continuance, and she wouldn't budge. I believe the writing is on the wall and she’s going to bolt at the wedding.  I really hope they surprise me (the wedding hoopla is taking place on my birthday, wouldn’t that make a fabulous present for this Nexis fan?).   That entire scene seemed so out-of-character for both Ned and Alexis.  Gillian Spencer must have received her writing credentials from a box of Cracker Jacks.  She should never be allowed to write anything for Ned or Alexis.  Paging Patrick Mulcahey: Nexis and the Cassadines need you, STAT! 

I hate this media blitzed wedding, but then this whole Eddie’s Angel thing is a lame premise. I was willing to go with it for a little while, but Angel had her 15 minutes sometime around September 1.  In my little alternate sense of reality, Alexis could continue her panic attacks but Ned would finally see one and realize just how scared she really is of all the hoopla.  He would then secretly plan a ceremony on the day of the wedding at an alternate location, thereby having the press decoyed at St. Timothy’s.  He would send messages to Emily, Bratlynn, Father whomever, and Lila to meet him at another church.  He would need a co-conspirator and Nikolas is the most obvious chose so, Nikolas would pick up Alexis before the ceremony and deliver her to the secret church.  After Ned explains that this should be “their day” and that he didn’t want to share it with the world, we would be treated to a beautifully written (by Patrick!) intimate wedding ceremony, while the rest of the world is blustering about being kept waiting at St. Timothy’s. 

Luke and Laura’s 19^th Anniversary was barely a glitch on the screen and paid no respect to the legions of fans who have been watching for all of those 19 years.   Even more disrespectful, Scotty showed up to deliver Luke’s divorce papers on the anniversary date Any other time that scene could have just stood on it’s amusing content, but I was too sad at watching the end of something I’ve loved for so long.  {Note:  I don’t really believe it’s over} 

That insipid conversation about "protection" carried out between Nikolas and Lucky nearly made me physically ill. Could these two previously intelligent characters have acted more like junior high locker room jocks? I don't think so. Next thing you know one of them will be snapping Em's brastrap!  Nikolas is a Prince and Lucky is Luke’s son so please writers treat me like I have an ounce of sense! 

Along that same topic the conversation(s) between Lucky and Liz regarding the various forms of birth control sent me calling “Earl on the big white phone” again.  Buying condoms is humiliating? Trust me as a former cashier during my high school and college days, cashiers do not care one iota what anyone is buying.  They just want you gone so they can concentrate on that next coffee break.  Can we please get past the ABC Afterschool Special and move on to the "love in the afternoon"? I don't even know that I'll watch that but it'll be more entertaining in FF and at least Lucky will have to "get buck" for that! 

Continuing the Afterschool Special, Emily decided that she MUST have some birth control pills in a scene that played out something like this: "Oh Dr. Meadows can I plllllllllllleeeeeeeaaaaasssssssseeeeeee have some birth control tooooo because my friend is getting some and we have to do everything at the same time!" Em probably just thinks they taste like Skittles or something.  

Emily’s request for birth control brings me to the most obvious candidate for her to test out that birth control, Zander.  I've held my tongue as long as I possibly can on this boy. Who does he think he is? He kidnaps Emily and holds her hostage for a couple of weeks (without any showers, but that's another rant) so he now thinks he knows what's best for her? He doesn't KNOW Emily or her family! Did he ever stop to think about the strain he put on Emily by keeping her from her family or the strain he put on her family ESPECIALLY LILA by keeping Emily away from them? Did anyone think about the fact that the final straw before AJ drank himself into a stupor was Emily's kidnapping?  I was waiting on Alan to reach across the table in the interrogation room, grab Zander by the head and commence a smackdown.

PAGING SOREL - One punk for killing in this line - NO WAITING!  I think Chad Brannon is doing a fabulous job (he actually ACTS).  I want to pull for Zander and a relationship with Emily, but the writers are going to have to give me something more to work with here if they expect me to warm to this coupling.  Alienating her from her family, who she adores, will not do the trick.  Normally a story of “us versus them” is a huge draw.  So far I’m on the “them” side.  I want Zander to show some remorse for kidnapping a teenager at gunpoint.  I want the writers to remember that he was selling date-rape drugs to teenagers and nearly left one of the 100 raves we had to endure with Liz after he drugged her.  I’m sure he did not intend to return her safely to her studio.  Basically, I’m looking for a little redemption.

Perhaps the best way for Zander to make the Commissioner believe his tale about DeadTed would have been to show him the RAT! 

Carly is still managing to tick me off regularly.  Her little tantrum over Deception just proved once again why I have no use for her. What, precisely, did she do to deserve 49% of any company, much less the bigger office?  Oh yeah, she fell down on Sonny a year ago because she was angry with Jason.  Silly me! Of course she deserves to run a company.  NEGATRON BATMAN - Step back and EARN your keep!  I’m on Laura’s side.  Carly can be mad all she wants, she’s got the same designer panties to get glad in.  Sonny’s condescending attitude with Carly was irritating.  That company is not a “toy” and if they want me to show Carly some respect then they should have her husband show her some respect first.  While I’m on my Carly critique, I can’t let the opportunity to bash her over the attack pass.  I’ve never criticized Sarah Brown on her acting.  I think she’s over-rated, but she is good; however, when Carly was caught in the alley by Sorel’s thugs I saw a drama queen, with the whining and flipping of the hair. 

Sonny’s unilateral decision to pull Mikey out of pre-school just because he fell was more than overprotective, it was ludicrous.  Why not just roll him in bubble wrap and lock him in his room? I can’t believe I’m going to say this, but Carly was right in this instance.  Kids get hurt in school, it is a part of life. 

The great escape left something to be desired.  Do I even have to explain how insulting those scenes were? I feel so bad for Stephen Nichols.  I bet he and Tava both won the “chewing the scenery” award on the set that day.  I imagine it was not intended to be funny, but I found it to be hysterical. 

Fluke is at it again.  Between the mating dance, Luke's idiotic disguises, accents and  Flea's hideous outfit (that should be set on fire and I'm ok with the idea even if she's IN it at the time) I am now fast-forwarding Luke.  For once I’m going to praise Dara for telling Flea that she’s “not the one who had the affair.”  Dara had nothing to apologize for at all.  Flea could have stopped that trial before it ever got started. 

I would love for Taggert to find out the truth about Deke. I’m so sick of his insane vendetta against Sonny.  Either Tags needs to find out the truth or I want it proven that all of this information we’ve been fed by Sonny about Deke is a total mind game because Sonny has some sort of weird personality disorder. Whatever! It’s just time to move that story along.  It’s been going on for how long? 6, 7, 100 years!?? I’m tired of it.  

MacFlea finally decided to make it official and file some divorce papers.  Every citizen of Port Charles has been to visit Zander, including his victim, but Mac is worried about locking a broom closet.  No wonder Helena “prefers his jurisdiction” to quote Stefan. 

Hundreds of fans were screaming for Juan?  In tribute to my posting friends at SoapZone, I feel sure that said “fans” were screaming WJTSTS!!! That’s the acronym used on the board, which stands for “We Juan the Singing to Stop”. 

I maintain that Scotty’s place is on GH and PC cannot have him back!  One of the highlights of the entire month was that kiss he laid on Laura! 

I was ready to give Gia another chance until she fraudulently misrepresented herself as an L&B public relations assistant, but she blew it.  Go Ned!  

I don’t like Hannah.  AJ is still stalking her.  Taggert believes he’s in love with her.  Now they’ve added football to the mix.  The only thing that would make this story more fast-forwardable is, um, nothing! 

In order to leave you on some happy notes and in honor of the Thanksgiving holiday that I missed here are a few things that I am grateful for: 

I am grateful that I can be vertical once again without my world spinning in two directions simultaneously.  I am grateful that I can breathe out of both nostrils. 

I am grateful that Ned took Alexis away for a couple of days so that I had at least a few beautiful Nexis moments to enjoy after my vacation.   

I am grateful that Alan and Monica are still on GH occasionally and have yet to be bumped to recurring status! 

I am grate-{:::cough, choke, cough, cough:::}-ful to Wendy Riche because the last three years have prepared me for the hell I am about to endure under Jill Farren Phelps. 

I am so very grateful that Stefan is off of that island and back in Port Charles.  I am grateful that Bobbie had his # from the very beginning and that those two had more chemistry in that one scene than Chloe had with Stefan collectively over the last three months! 

I am grateful for the brief glimpses we got of Andreas and Johnny. 

I am grateful that Lucky doesn’t own a bathrobe.  I won’t even chastise him for not having the sense God gave a goose for locking himself out of his room. 

I am grateful for blue silk boxers and how well said article of clothing adorn MyNed.

 **I had to get shallow at some point!** 

I am grateful for SoapNet (so, so, so grateful!!!) because I never had to see Peter Jennings, Al Gore, George Bush, “Chad” or any other electoral interruption during GH.  I don’t think I would have liked any of those newbies in Port Charles. 

Mostly, I am grateful for all of my fabulous cyber-friends, both long time and newbies, who not only missed me while I was on vacation but wondered where I was during the following two weeks that I missed due to the flu!  You guys rule! 

December is looking up.  There is at least the promise (or threat?) of a Nexis marriage.  I’m not holding my breath though.  Stefan is home which should mean some excellent scenes between Helena/Stefan and Luke/Stefan.  Liz & Lucky are finally going to consummate their relationship rather than talking about it repeatedly! 

I encourage everyone to write to GH to voice your disappointment over Brad Maule being bumped to recurring, especially in light of the fact that several far less talented actors and actresses are still gracing our screens everyday.  

Have a good week and I’ll see you again next week.