January 3, 2003
8:00am

Happy New Year!!!  

Several people have written to ask if I have made New Year's resolutions this year and since I had not yet done so, I immediately set about it.  I determined that these resolutions should be set in such a way as to foster my self-confidence and bring about an enjoyable result and contribute in a marked fashion to my happiness.  After a great deal of thought, here are my resolutions for 2003:

1).  I will eat quite a bit, with a focus on high fat and high carb foods.  Potato skins, candy, cookies and bread have not been getting nearly enough of my attention and will take precedence. 

2).  I will get very serious about my weight.  I want to gain at least 10 pounds this year, if not more.

3).  I will take up drinking.  I've never been very good at it and it's one of the things I've always wanted to master.  I'm getting older and don't want to miss the boat on this one.

4).  I will spend more time on the computer and less time *out there* in the "real world."

5).  I will endeavor to be more rude to the stupid people of the world.

6).  I will do less housework and instead bark out orders to the people around me to accomplish necessary tasks (from my computer chair).  I will practice "method barking" in front of the mirror each morning until I get the perfect snap to my voice to instill terror at the thought of noncompliance.

7).  I will discover and frequently put into use a new catch phrase.  Last year's "Pfft" served it's purpose well and will continue, but I need a new one that is even more dismissive and condescending.

8).  I will invest much more time into watching TV and spend more quality time alone doing so.

9).  I will completely eliminated accursed "water" from my diet.  Just say "no."

10).  I will sleep at least 8-10 hours out of any consecutive 24.

Well, that's it.  I figure 10 is probably about all I can handle.  OH Jeez, and I'm late!  Here it is the 3rd and I haven't even gotten started!